A/N: Hey :) Thanks for the Lopez family love :)
A few general queries:
Brittana is endgame. However, they are not endgame in THIS part of the story. This story is a trilogy. They will be together by the end of part 2. How they get there…well, that's the fun part :)
Yes, I'm focusing a lot on Santana. But this is a Santana-centric fic and it always has been. I don't mean to portray her as the victim because we all know she definitely is not. It's how some people deal with guilt and this is how Santana deals with her guilt. And a family's love is unconditional.
Never fear – Brittany will be forced to face her part in all this. Her skeleton will come bursting out of the closet and the repercussion will be HUGE. But it will happen, rest assured :)
Thank you all for your reviews and alerts. I really enjoy this story and I live hearing what you guys think.
So let's see what the first Sectionals rehearsal has on store for our four lovely ladies…
Onward and up!
-H
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :(
CHAPTER 22
Brittany's brow was in a permanent frown as she headed to the choir room after school. She'd had to forego Cheerios practice, which didn't go down too well with Coach Em.
This stupid Glee shit is ruining my life.
Yeah, she enjoyed the dancing because she rarely got to let loose like that with the Cheerios. But that was it. The singing was ok, but not mindblowing. Well, she guessed that-
She slowed her walking as she neared the choir room. Someone was playing the piano and singing softly. She didn't have to listen very long to know who the voice belonged to. Brittany peeked in. Santana had her back to her and the room was empty. She was playing a soft melody and the lyrics were familiar, but Brittany couldn't place them. She did hear the pain in the Latina's voice very clearly, though.
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that this world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby, now you do
Brittany knew that she probably shouldn't be intruding on Santana's private moment, but as with most things when it came to Santana, her logic seemed to desert her. Santana stood up from the piano and walked to the chairs, sitting in one and staring at the ground. Brittany took a breath and walked inside, hoping it didn't seem as though she had been lurking right outside the door.
She's staring at the ground. You're safe.
Would this awkwardness ever dissipate? She got that Santana felt guilty, but Brittany honestly didn't. Yeah, Rachel was her best friend, but she hadn't cheated on her. It was just sex.
Keep telling yourself that, Blondie.
Ok, seriously! This annoying know-it-all voice was really starting piss her off. She was done with whatever thing she'd had for Santana. It was over. She'd dealt with it. She was straight.
As the letter 'g'. Which stands for GAY!
Brittany set her jaw and sat down in a chair far from Santana, who still hadn't noticed her. She was not gay. It was impossible. She would know if she was. She'd had sex with enough guys to prove that she enjoyed their company. She'd know by now if she didn't like sex with them.
Yeah, cos Santana had nothing whatsoever to do with the best orgasms you've ever had.
Fuck.
She vigorously shook her head and glanced sideways at the girl who she couldn't get rid of, no matter how hard she tried.
And you much prefer being drunk when you have sex with a guy.
Yeah, well, alcohol made her horny.
You always have the lights off.
Who didn't like the lights off during sex?
It was broad daylight when you let Santana fuck you.
Brittany swallowed. The stupid voice had a goddamn point. Ok, so if she acknowledged that being with Santana had been by far the best sex she'd ever had, that didn't make her gay, right?
But the way you kissed her did.
Fuck.
Unbidden, the memories of the day in the sauna came back to her and she shifted subtly, tightening her thigh muscles. Kissing Santana had been nothing short of amazing. She'd felt every kiss down to her toes. The feeling of Santana's hands on her body still burned to this day. She could feel her skin on fire beneath her Cheerios uniform.
But that didn't even compare to Santana really touching her. How she'd known exactly where to move and push. There was no doubt that Santana had a very good knowledge of a woman's body and how best to pleasure it.
Rachel may have mentioned that on a few occasions.
She frowned. She hardly needed a reminder that Rachel had been with Santana in every way. In all the ways that she…
Fuck, no. She had to stop thinking. Santana was messing with her brain again.
In all the ways you want to be with her.
She groaned silently. It wasn't fair to have a know-it-all voice going on and on in her head when it knew all her thoughts. It wasn't fair that she had to hear the thoughts that she wasn't ready to hear. Ever.
Deal with it. You want Santana. And you want her more than once.
Brittany bit her lip. If it's physical, it's doesn't mean anything, right? It didn't make her gay or anything.
Keep telling yourself that when you're pressed tightly to her and you look into her eyes. Try convincing yourself that it's just sex then.
Brittany stood up abruptly and walked quickly out of the choir room, not even noticing Quinn in the hallway.
Santana's head snapped up when she heard a chair being scraped back on the floor. Brittany was walking quickly out of the room.
What? When the hell did she even get here?
Granted, she'd been so in her head that it was entirely possible that she hadn't even noticed Brittany coming in.
"Hey, San," Quinn greeted quietly, walking up to her. "Thanks for agreeing to this."
She shrugged. "Yeah, well I guess you got Rachel to guilt me enough."
Quinn sighed. "This isn't meant to be a trick. We do need you. Sectionals is going to be tough. We need to win."
You need to win, Quinn. Because you need to feel like you've achieved something.
She didn't say what she was thinking, though. She was upset and tired and sad, but she wasn't naturally a bitch. Well, at least she didn't try and be mean. Yet she seemed to have no problem hurting Rachel and fighting with Brittany.
The four girls had started their sophomore year in a very interesting way and although the semester was already two and a half months in, it didn't feel like that amount of time had passed.
Sometimes, though, Santana felt like it had moved in slow motion. The good and especially the bad.
"Hey."
Her head shot up again and her heart ached at the sight of Rachel. She doubted that it would go away anytime soon.
"Hi, Rachel," Quinn greeted. "Where's Brittany?"
Rachel shrugged.
"She ran out a minute ago," Santana said quietly. "I don't know where she went, though."
"Ok, well I guess we can tell you about our idea so long," Rachel suggested, dropping her bag next to the piano and leaning against it.
Quinn nodded and sat next to Santana, who dutifully turned to give her best friend (even though things were awkward) her full attention.
"Rachel and I both agreed with what you said about Brittany's performance of Mad World a few weeks back. It absolutely has to be our opening number."
"Britt was a little apprehensive about taking lead vocals, so she asked me to help her out," Rachel added. "And then I thought how awesome you would sound with it and Quinn agreed and we just worked on the song and turned it into a four-part harmony."
"Acapella," Quinn added.
"Acapella?" Santana repeated, raising her eyebrows. The idea played around in her head. She nodded. "Ok, that sounds doable. Do you have sheet music?"
She figured that getting lost in the music would distract her from the tension in the room. She and Rachel had agreed to try and be civil and the Cheerio was definitely holding up her end of the deal. The guilt that ate away at Santana every time she saw her was at the forefront of her mind.
"Yeah." Quinn dug around in her bag and handed Santana a few pages. She glanced at the different parts. She figured Rachel and Quinn would take the higher harmonies and she and Brittany, having the lower voices, would take the alto.
"Hey, B. Where'd you disappear to?"
Santana glanced up and saw Brittany looking at her hesitantly. She frowned slightly.
"Uh, just had to go to the bathroom," she mumbled, walking back to her chair.
"Well, Santana's on board so we should get into practising," Quinn suggested.
"Whatever," Brittany mumbled.
Santana felt a spike of frustration. "How are we starting?" she asked instead.
"Brittany comes in with the first four lines, you follow with the next four, Rachel does the chorus and we all harmonise on the last line. I start the second verse and you do that last half. Brittany ends off with the last chorus and we all come in on the last line again."
"Those who aren't singing are carrying the melody, I'm assuming?" Santana asked.
Quinn nodded.
"This sounds awesome," Santana said honestly. "I think it's going to sound really good."
"Ok, well at least we have one of three songs sorted. Let's get rehearsing," Rachel said, pushing off from the piano and picking up her bag.
The four girls arranged their chairs in a circle, facing each other. Santana ended up between Quinn and Brittany and opposite Rachel. She supposed it wasn't going to be easy, no matter where she sat. They discussed the melody that they were going to use and Santana let herself be caught up in creating music. She felt like it had been forever.
"Ok, should we give the first verse a bash?" Quinn suggested, glancing to Brittany and Santana.
The Latina nodded and raised her eyebrows to Brittany, who had been unusually quiet. The Head Cheerio shrugged. Quinn counted them in and she and Rachel started humming softly.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Santana nodded. It sounded good so far. She launched into her section with passion.
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
"San, feel free to have fun with that last line," Quinn suggested.
"Nah, it sounds good as is," Santana replied. "It's the right timbre for Rachel to come in with the chorus. This isn't about power. We need to play it understated."
A snort from her left caused the three girls to look at Brittany.
"I'm sorry," Brittany scoffed. "But does anyone else not see the huge glaring irony of what's going on here? I'm singing about not going anywhere because I've got fuck all going for me. Santana's singing about crying and sorrow and shit cos let's face it, that's all she's been doing all week."
"Brittany!" Rachel and Quinn said in shock.
"What? This is fucking high school. And it's a competition for Glee Club. You're all taking this so seriously. Isn't this whole thing supposed to be 'fun' anyway?" She used quotations around the word.
Santana arched an eyebrow and sat back in her chair, looking with interest at the Head Cheerio.
"Britt, this isn't about you or about Glee Club," Rachel said quietly.
"Well, isn't that why she's speaking up now?" Santana replied. "She wants the spotlight, but doesn't actually have the guts to ask for it. Because in this room, she's still no one special."
"How very, very far from the truth you are, Lezpez I see that you must still be suffering somewhat of a concussion from yesterday."
Santana's blood boiled. She stood up abruptly, as did everyone else. "I may just take you up on that free slap now, Wonder Barbie."
"Go for it," Brittany taunted, her eyes flashing.
"Stop it, you two!" Rachel snapped. "Fuck! I thought we'd moved past this!"
"That's rich coming from you, Berry. You're completely hung up on Santana even though she cheated on you."
Oh, hell no. I'm so fucking done taking the blame for this.
"Rachel, I know I said that I wasn't going to tell you who I cheated on you with, but I think that at this stage, hell, what have I got to lose?"
"Um, what the hell is going on?" Rachel asked in confusion. "Santana, I don't really care who it was. The fact is that you did cheat on me."
Santana broke away from her staring match with Brittany and looked at Rachel in confusion. "So it doesn't matter? It'll still be all my fault?"
Rachel shrugged. "You were my girlfriend. You cheated. That's what matters to me. And…"
It doesn't matter. She won't care that it was Brittany. She won't care because she blames me entirely.
"I…" Santana swallowed the lump in her throat and felt her eyes tear up again.
Fucking tears. Stop fucking crying!
"Brittany, what in the hell is wrong with you?" Quinn snapped. "Why can't you keep your trap shut for once?"
"Why can't you mind your own fucking business?" Brittany retorted. "None of this would have happened if you had just left things alone!"
"You're absolutely crazy. I'm convinced of it now," Quinn said in disbelief. "Please share your theory with the class. I'm dying to know how this is somehow my fault."
"You went after my man and brainwashed him into joining this stupid club. If he hadn't joined, I wouldn't have, and neither would Rachel. Which means that Rachel and Santana would never have hooked up and then broken up."
"Britt," Rachel said warningly.
"Puck's been gone how long now? A month?" Quinn asked. "And you guys are still here. Don't tell me that he's keeping you here because that's bullshit. We both know that you actually like being here because you don't have to be the picture perfect head Cheerio all the time."
Brittany glared at her. "Don't fucking psycho-analyse me. You don't know jack shit about me or my life. I despise this fucking club. I'm only doing it because Coach Em is making me."
"Need someone to hold your hand and tell you what to do?" Quinn taunted.
"Stop it," Santana said quietly. "Brittany, you're no saint so don't even try and pretend that you are. Also, no one's fooled. If you didn't want to be here, you wouldn't be. Simple. Quinn, you've made mistakes and we acknowledge that. Me, well, we all know what I've done." She sighed. "Let's just practice and get this over with." She wiped her eyes as subtly as she could.
"Why should I listen to anything you have to say, Lopez?" Brittany snipped. "What are you in this school again? Nothing."
Santana closed her eyes. She didn't need this shit. Brittany Pierce had been the cause of enough headaches in her life over the last two months. She stood up and turned to the blonde, not bothering to stop the tears rolling out of her eyes. "You know what, Brittany? You win. I'm done. Whatever game you want to play with me, I'm giving up. You win, ok? I'm done."
She grabbed her bag and walked out before Quinn could stop her. She rounded the corner of the deserted hallways and collapsed against a set of lockers, sliding to the floor as she started sobbing quietly.
No matter what she did, no matter how much she tried, none of it mattered. Brittany had been right all those weeks ago. She was trying to change something that would never be changed. People like Brittany would always come out on top. And people like her would populate the sub-basement with the rest of the vermin.
All she'd managed to do what make a fool out of herself, somehow manage to score the hottest girl in school and then lose her because she fucked her best friend. She didn't know why she thought that she'd be able to make anything better. It wouldn't happen. It wasn't supposed to happen.
Even coming clean wouldn't make a difference because people at the top would always stick together. It wouldn't matter that Santana had fucked Brittany because Santana would still be the one blamed. How could she have been so delusional that she honestly thought that she could be the catalyst for change at McKinley? It was never going to happen. She didn't live in some TV show where the writers could decide who lived and died and broke up and got together. If she did, she sure as hell wouldn't make it so fucking confusing.
She climbed to her feet and started heading towards the parking lot. She wondered if her parents would consider letting her transfer. Or be home schooled. She was just so over everything and everyone at McKinley. Her confidence was shot to an all-time low because she just did one thing wrong after another. What kind of person cheated on someone that had done so much for them? Rachel was so sweet and spicy and Santana had loved every second of their time together. Even when they were fighting.
It sounded like someone was calling her name, but she ignored it, kept her eyes on the exit and walked quickly towards the door.
"Santana! For fuck's sakes! Stop!"
She was surprised that Rachel of all people had come after her. The surprise guilt attack had worked once, but clearly she just caused way too much tension in Glee and as much as she loved singing and performing, she was toxic. She wasn't about to ruin Glee for everyone else.
Rachel gripped her arm and pulled her to an abrupt stop.
"Just let me go, please," Santana mumbled, realising that she was still crying.
"No, just listen."
"No, you listen! Didn't you hear what happened back there? I'm the one that fucked everything up. Nothing else matters because it all comes back to me. I should never have fallen for you. I knew that it was a bad idea because we're so different and you're up in the penthouse where you belong, and I'm-"
"San-"
"I'm in the doghouse in the shit yard with the rest of the dregs. And that's where I belong. Brittany was right. The social hierarchy at school is there for a reason. It can't be changed, simple as that. I thought I could make a difference, but all I did was make things worse. I hurt the most amazing girl in the world because I thought that a fleeting moment was worth it, but it was the biggest mistake I've ever made and I'm going to spend the rest of my life kicking myself for hurting you when I knew it was wrong. I fucking knew it was wrong, but I still did it anyway and-"
"San-"
"And I know that you deserve to hate me forever and I deserve feeling like shit because what I did was abhorrent. The fact that you're trying to be the bigger person all the time just shows how amazing you are because I don't have that strength. I'm sorry, Rach, I really am. I commend you for trying, but I can't fight so much anymore. I'm exhausted. I don't want to fight anymore."
"So don't."
Santana frowned. "It's not that easy. It goes against my nature to just accept things, but all I'm doing is making everything worse. I hurt you, I got into two fights with your best friend, I slept with someone that you fucking know, but it doesn't matter because it's all my fault and I deserve this. I deserve pain and-"
"San-"
"It doesn't matter what you say anymore. You're an amazing person for trying to do the right thing. You do it so well, Rachel. People admire and respect you. I'm just the irritating girl who doesn't shut up and who plays hero and martyr for her bunch of misfit friends. But in all honesty, you fit in and I don't. That's the bottom line. That's always been the bottom line and it always will be-"
Santana's eyes widened when Rachel's lips were suddenly on hers. She was in such shock that her hands just hung limply at her sides as her ex-girlfriend's lips fitted over hers as though they'd never left.
She gasped when Rachel pulled away.
"You talk too much. Shut up," Rachel whispered.
Santana just nodded. She let Rachel push her against the lockers and kiss her again. This time, she reacted. Her arms went around her waist and she angled her head so that their tongues could meet and explore deeply. Rachel pressed into her and it made Santana's heart pound.
Eventually they broke apart slightly for some air. "By no means are you forgiven," Rachel said, her voice husky. "But I miss you too."
Santana looked into her brown eyes for a few moments before leaning down and closing the gap between them. She knew that they weren't back together. They were both just tired of hurting.
Brittany rolled her eyes as Quinn continued to yap in her ear about God knows what. Whatever she'd said to any of them had been exactly true. She was just saying what everyone was thinking.
She grabbed her bag and walked out, ignoring Quinn. She had a fucking cheek to try and bitch at Brittany for speaking her mind when everyone else decided to walk around on eggshells and pretend that everything was hunky dory.
Here's a word for you: hypocrite.
"What the fuck ever," Brittany muttered, heading for the exit. She froze when she saw Santana. Santana and Rachel. Santana and Rachel. Kissing. Each other. They were kissing. And they weren't stopping.
Oh, God. What…why…?
Brittany felt her chest constrict and she couldn't breathe. She backtracked quickly and stumbled into the nearest bathroom. She felt too hot, her uniform was too coarse against her skin, only aggravating this rapid heating across her body.
What the fuck is happening to me?
She stared at herself in the mirror and flashes of Rachel and Santana came back to her. She squeezed her eyes to get the images out, but they wouldn't quit.
They're supposed to be broken up!
She opened her eyes and her mouth fell open slightly as a lone tear rolled down her cheek.
She never cried. Ever.
"What the hell is happening to me?" she whispered fearfully.
It felt so familiar and so warm that Santana just let herself be swept up in the sensation of being back in Rachel's arms. In the back of her mind, she knew that things were far from right. They weren't girlfriends, they were barely even speaking, but they were making out like nothing had changed.
Rachel broke away and rested her forehead against Santana's, breathing heavily.
"This doesn't mean anything, San. Ok?"
"I know," Santana whispered, closing her eyes briefly. "I know."
"I should go," Rachel said, stepping out of Santana's hold.
The Latina nodded, her arms dropping to her side.
"Look, the reason I actually followed you is to ask you to reconsider Sectionals. Just Sectionals. After that, you're free to do what you want. If you want to leave Glee, I won't stop you. I just…I want to know what it feels like to win because I deserve it, not because I'm a Cheerio and it's expected. And I don't think we'll be able to do that if you're not there."
Santana sighed and chewed her lip. "Fine," she said quietly after a while. "Just until Sectionals. But Rach, if she says-"
"I'll deal with Brittany, don't you worry," Rachel cut in, holding up a hand. "Just be there tomorrow, ok?"
Santana nodded, digging her hands into the pockets of her brother's hoodie. "Why did you kiss me?"
Rachel smirked. "It was the only way to get you to shut up."
Santana blushed and dropped her gaze. "I don't think it was a good idea."
"Yeah, well you've done some pretty dumb things so I figure I've got some catching up to do."
What? Does that mean…?
"Don't read too much into it, ok? We'll talk more tomorrow. Right now, I've got a date."
"Oh," Santana whispered. Of course she did. She was Rachel Berry. "O-Ok. Have fun."
"With my dads, you idiot." Rachel laughed. "Seriously, I get that things are kinda shit, but where's the Santana I know? Normally she'd be giving me endless sassy one-liners."
Santana shrugged. "Honestly, I don't think I can pretend to be this person anymore."
Rachel caught her eyes and held them for a few moments. "Don't bullshit me, Santana. The girl that I met, that is the real you. This pathetic version is actually sad. You're lucky you're still hot."
I feel like I'm in some kind of parallel universe.
"Um…"
"You and I are having lunch together tomorrow. We're going off campus and we're going to talk, ok? And by then, I want this…inhabitant gone."
Santana took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. "Fine. I'll meet you out front at lunch. We can take my car."
"Or mine."
"No, we'll take mine. That way if things get weird, I can run away and leave you there."
Rachel grinned. "Much better."
Santana smiled back. It did feel a little refreshing, even if it was so weird and she had zero understanding of what was actually going on.
"Bye, Lopez."
"Have a good night, Cherry Berry. Don't keep your date out too late."
Rachel gasped in mock horror as she headed back to the choir room. "Moi? I'm the very epitome of chivalry."
Santana arched an eyebrow. "Says the girl who refused to open the door for me because, and I quote, 'I have two very capable arms with ten exceptionally talented fingers'."
"What? I wasn't wrong." She stuck her tongue out and disappeared around the corner.
What the fuck just happened?
"Home!" Santana called as she opened the door.
She shut it behind her and hung her keys on the hook.
"Buenas noches, mija," Carmen greeted teasingly as she stepped out of the kitchen.
Santana rolled her eyes. "I had Glee practice after school for Sectionals. And then…stuff. So what's for dinner?"
She neglected to mention how she'd driven around for like an hour trying to figure shit out.
Carmen folded her arms across her chest and looked at her daughter pointedly. The youngest Lopez sighed.
"Strange shit happened, mami. I don't even know where to begin deciphering it."
"Well, it couldn't have been bad if you're acting more like yourself than you have since Friday."
Santana winced at the reminder. She saw the realisation in her mother's eyes and she nodded in understanding.
"Your brothers are loafing in front of the television as usual. Why don't you round them up and set the table. We'll enjoy dinner and then sit down and talk."
Santana sighed nervously and nodded once. She headed up to her room and dropped her bag on her bed. She started unpacking her homework onto her desk out of pure habit – she'd also been neglecting her studies in favour of melancholy. Her phone was buried deep in her bag because she generally hadn't had a desire to be in contact with anyone since Friday. There were two messages waiting for. The first was from Quinn.
Are you ok? Don't listen to that bitch. She'll get what's coming to her. Did Rachel find you?
Rachel found her all right. Santana bit her lip as she opened a reply screen. She decided that it was best not to divulge to Quinn the details of what had happened between her and Rachel until she understood it.
I'm fine. Rachel found me. She convinced me to stay until Sectionals are over. We'll see what happens after that. Dinner with the clan now. Chat later.
That would be enough to tide her best friend over. She frowned as she went over Brittany's tongue lashing towards all of them. It was so unprovoked, so out of nowhere. Everything had been fine, right? Maybe she'd missed something when Brittany had been in the room when she was lost in her world. She sighed, but smiled when she saw the next message.
Is it a bad thing that I'm not sorry…? Rach
Her fingers flew over the keyboard on her phone. If there was one thing out of the day that she was certain of, it was this.
No. I'm not sorry either.
She was shitting herself she was so nervous. Her father had even consented to her having a beer to try and calm herself down. It was helping, but barely.
"Santanita, what happened on Friday?" Carmen began quietly.
"Oh, God!" Santana sobbed, any courage immediately leaving her. She couldn't, she couldn't tell them what she'd done.
Carmen quickly moved over to where she was sitting.
"Look at us, mija. Do you see any judgement on our faces?"
Santana wiped away her tears and peeked at her family, who were simply looking at her with concern and love.
God, how did I get this lucky?
"I told you last night that no matter what you've done, I will not love you any less or treat you any differently."
"But how do you know you won't? You don't even know what I've done!" Santana protested, gripping the beer bottle tightly.
"Does this have anything to do with you and Rachel breaking up?" Carmen asked instead, keeping her arm around her daughter's shoulders.
Santana just nodded once, her focus on the label of the bottle. She was picking at it nervously.
"So something happened on Friday that caused you and Rachel to break up?" Ferdie asked quietly.
Santana took a deep breath. Here goes.
"Rachel broke up with me on Saturday because I cheated on her with her best friend on Friday afternoon."
Her shoulders slumped and she stared at the floor in shame, the silence echoing around her. She knew this was going to happen. She knew that they'd be ashamed of her, that they'd hate her. She'd have to move out, maybe even drop out of school. She wondered if Quinn's parents would take her in?
"Wow, ok. I wasn't expecting that," Carmen said quietly.
Santana snorted. "Told you," she muttered.
"Hey."
Santana lifted her gaze to look at her father. She never denied him anything. He was a fair disciplinarian and had the respect of everyone in the household. When he spoke, you listened.
"While I don't agree with infidelity, you did the right thing by Rachel. I understand that you're both hurting right now and I understand that you are feeling guilty. Mija, wasn't this the girl that you got into a fight with?"
Santana nodded. "I know how messed up this whole thing is. It's…convoluted to say the least."
"Well, why don't you start from the beginning?" Carmen suggested. "We're going to listen until you're finished and if you'd like our opinions on the matter or advice on what you should do, then we'll be here."
She breathed out and took a long sip of beer. She glanced at her father. "Papi, I'm warning you in advance that there may be some parts that you're not going to like, but it is what it is."
He curled his lip in slight discomfort. "You are my daughter, Santana. I know more than you think I do."
"O-Ok. Right. Well, I guess it started when we went to the spa. Um, Quinn was having a facial and I went to the sauna. I didn't realise that Brittany was in there, but when I did, we kind of got to talking. And, strangely, it was like a debate, but very intense. No fighting or anything. Then suddenly she got up to leave. I can't even remember if I said something wrong. Anyway, she got up and lost her footing on the bench. I grabbed her towel, but it kinda came undone and I pulled on it to stop her from falling and I ended up against the wall with her, naked, in my arms."
Santana chanced a glance at her family. Thankfully, they all had blank expressions on their faces. Except for her father. He looked like he wanted to run away.
"That was where we first kissed. She initiated it and I…I couldn't control myself. It was like she ignited this fire inside of me and I had to kiss her back. I know it sounds like bull, but it's really difficult to explain. Um, things might have gone further than a kiss if Rachel hadn't interrupted us, but luckily she couldn't see anything with all the steam. Things were really weird, but Brittany just acted like nothing happened, so I did the same. Oh, I forgot to say that our first day back at school. We were in the locker room, just Brittany and I, and she told me that she was jealous of Rachel. Because Rachel was with me. But the next day she was back to being the bitch I knew her as, so I had no idea what to make of it. That's kinda what's been so confusing about this whole mess. Brittany blows hot and cold and I never know what's going on in her head. I don't think she does either.
"Anyway, so on Friday, we were doing final performances for Glee and Brittany was dancing. But she was looking at me and mouthing the words to a love song and I just…I didn't know what to do. I had to get out of there. I told Rach I wasn't feeling well and I drove home. I'd just pulled into the driveway and suddenly Brittany's behind me and pulls me into that space between the wall and the garage. She starts going on about scratching an itch. She looked at me in that way that I knew she was going to kiss me and I tried to tell her no. Well, I did. I told her that I wasn't going to hurt Rachel and that she shouldn't want to hurt her either. And she said…I'll never forget this. She said, 'Do you think I want to feel like this? Do you think that I'm happy that all I can think about is that kiss and how much I want to do it again? I don't even like girls, but I can't stop thinking about you'."
Santana took another swig of beer as she let that particular memory run through her head. As soon as Brittany had said that, she would do whatever she wanted her to do. She hated herself for it.
"I tried telling her that it was a bad idea. I offered to be her friend. I said that I could help her through her confusion, but she kinda called me out on wanting to kiss her as much as she wanted to kiss me. I honestly did try and fight it. I can plug that argument until I'm blue in the face, but it doesn't change the fact that we…" She trailed off.
"You…?" Carmen prompted.
"Come on, Mom. You know what," Santana said, flushing with embarrassment.
"She might, but I don't."
Santana groaned inwardly. "Ok, Papi. You want to know? I finger fucked Brittany against our garage wall."
"Dios mio," Carlos Lopez muttered, rubbing his hand over his face.
"Was that really necessary, Santana?" Carmen chided disapprovingly. "We're willing to hear what you have to say and we want to be here, but it wouldn't hurt to have a little tact. No parent likes the idea of their kids having sex."
"Lo siento, Papi," Santana apologised meekly.
"Ok, so you told Rachel that you…you…with Brittany and you guys broke up?" Carlos eventually asked, his voice a little strangled.
"Well, sort of. I didn't tell her who it was. I texted Brittany on Saturday morning to tell her that I was coming clean with Rachel because it wasn't fair to her. Not after everything she'd done for me. In true Brittany fashion she told me that I was welcome to flush my relationship down the toilet, but that it wasn't fair of me to take her down too."
"So Rachel doesn't know that it was Brittany?" Miguel asked, his brow furrowed.
Santana nodded. Miguel had been busy at college so he hadn't really been home to see the whole fallout. Angelo had probably filled him in.
"Mija, was it wise not to tell Rachel? I mean, this is her best friend who's lying to her about so many things."
Santana shrugged. "Honestly, that's between Rachel and Brittany. There were many moments where I wanted so badly to tell Rachel and watch her tear Brittany a new one so that she felt as horrible as I do, but…I couldn't."
"While I admire that, you realise that this wasn't your best judgement call," Carlos said.
"I do. Rachel was so hurt when I told her, and really angry. Understandably, of course. I just feel so guilty about the whole thing and angry with myself, with Brittany. I'm sad that I lost a really great girl. It…I just felt like I wasn't doing anything right. Every choice I made just led me from bad to worse."
"Hermana, if I may, as clichéd as it sounds, you need to give it time. I know that you don't let people in easily, so I realise that Rachel was special. And I saw you two together. You were a good match. Have you tried speaking to her at all?"
Santana blushed and looked down, her afternoon siesta coming back to the forefront of her mind.
"I know that look!" Angelo stated. "That's your I did something wrong that I'm kinda proud of look."
"What the hell kind of a look is that?' Santana retorted, frowning.
"Apparently one that you just had on your face," Carmen quipped. "I'm pretty sure that not much else would surprise us at this stage."
Santana grimaced. Her family probably thought she was a slut and were wondering where the hell she'd gotten like that and how bad a representative of the family name she was.
"Mija, we love you," Carlos said quietly. "Even though I know things now that I kind of wish I didn't, I still love you just as much as I did before we had this talk."
Santana's eyes filled with tears and she had to get up and give her father a hug.
"Te amo, Papi," she whispered.
"I know, Santanita. Me too."
She returned to her seat to finish up the story. "Ok, so we were rehearsing a new number for Sectionals after school. It was just Rachel, Quinn, Brittany and myself. Everything was going fine and then Brittany just starts going off at everyone. At me, at Quinn. She even had a go at Rachel. We were all completely confused about what was going on. But she said a few things that kind of hit home and Rachel said some things that made me realise that she blamed me for everything. Which is accurate, I guess. It didn't make it any easier to hear it, though. I pulled the coward card and walked out."
"Did you…did you quit?" Carmen asked.
Santana nodded and her mother gasped. "Santana, what did she say? It must have been really horrible for you to quit Glee. You love that club."
"I know." Santana sighed. "Rachel caught up to me, though. I just started talking and I couldn't stop. It was like word vomit. I told her how I was sorry and that she deserved better and I deserved to be sad and blah blah. I don't remember most of it. She was trying to interrupt me, but I guess I was on a roll. Um, so she kissed me."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Didn't expect that."
Santana chuckled dryly. "Neither did I, trust me. But that didn't stop us from having a make out session against the lockers."
"Ok, so what does that mean?" Miguel asked.
"Your guess is as good as mine. We're having lunch tomorrow and we're going to talk about it. She said that it didn't mean anything, but she missed me, so…"
"Damn, Santa. This is some confusing shit," Angelo muttered.
"Hmmm," Santana hummed. "So…you know my deep dark secret," she said quietly. "How much do you hate me?"
"Don't be silly, Santana!" Carmen exclaimed, pulling her daughter into a tight hug. "Everyone makes mistakes. Yes, what you did was a bad thing, but I still love you and I will support you in whatever you decide to do. Mija, I know you. You seldom do things without thinking, which leads me to wonder about this Brittany girl, but no matter. When you do make a mistake, you do all you can to rectify it, which is why I know that you're going to be ok. Yes, you'll have your off days, as we all do. But you need to remember that we are always going to be here for you."
"Gracias, Mami. God, I love you guys so much," Santana choked out. "You have no idea how scared I was."
"It's going to take a lot more than that to get rid of us, Santanita," Carlos said with a loving smile. "Now, if you'd come and told us that you were pregnant," he joked.
Santana lifted her eyebrows. "Oh, yeah. About that, Papi. Um…so there was this one party and people were drinking and-"
"Santana, you'd better be joking right now!" Carlos thundered. "No me gusta."
She swallowed. "Ok, ok. Guess it was too early to bring out the jokes." She smiled weakly. "Sorry."
Carlos breathed a sigh of relief and Carmen just shook her head at her mischievous daughter.
A/N: I know this chapter may seem all over the place, but everything will be explained in the next chapter and the chapter after that. Have faith, my dearest readers! :) There is always a method to my madness…sometimes…most of the time…ish.
First song was Lana Del Rey – Video Games. Gorgeous song. I've used Mad World before. I really like the Adam Lambert version and I'm going to post the songs on my Tumblr if you'd like to have a listen.
Tumblr, Twitter and Ask: hlnwst
Onward and up!
-H