A/N: Better late than never….?
It has been ages, I know. I do apologise. Brittana has awakened my heart and my fingers (wanky) so I have oodles of motivation to focus on my fics again.
Little time jump from last chapter. If you're a little confused in the beginning, don't worry – it will all make sense :)
Teeny little bit of lady sex…
Hope you enjoy!
-H
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :(
CHAPTER 29
Brittany glanced at Santana's reflection in the vanities that had been set up in the choir room for them to use for Regionals. The Latina was standing in one corner by herself. Her eyes were closed and she was mouthing the words to their first song – a mash up of Moves Like Jagger and Don't Cha that she'd arranged – and moving easily with the choreography that Brittany had come up with.
She looked completely flawless. Brittany felt the damn butterflies stirring again so she tore her eyes away and focused on adding the finishing touches to her make-up.
"Hey, Britt."
"Hi," she greeted Finn.
"So, did you wanna hook up tonight?" he asked.
Their relationship – or whatever they had – had become very simple. Finn understood what she wanted from him and he never expected anything more. It was easy. Way easier than anything else in her life.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, running a finger across her bottom lip to gather some excess lip gloss.
"Your place?"
She nodded. "Cool." Her parents were somewhere. Again.
Finn disappeared from her view and she found her eyes drifting back to the corner where Santana was doing the tricky triple spin that only she, Brittany, Rachel and Quinn were doing in the first number. Thankfully, they were all skilled in the dancing department, which was why Brittany had selected the four of them to pull it off.
She sat back and adjusted the bottom of her tights. Not for the first time, she wished that she'd just ignored Ms. S and worn her own tights instead of the itchy, too tight ones she had on. The bottoms were cutting into her calves, which didn't bode well if she was going to be using them excessively while dancing for all three of their numbers.
Brittany sighed and rolled the tights up a little. From her new position, she was able to glance at Santana a little more discreetly. Quinn had joined her and they were doing their kick steps. She shut her eyes when she heard Santana's lilting laughter echo across the floor. Her eyes shot open as unwanted memories assaulted her.
She remembered her scent.
She remembered their bodies being so closely pressed together.
She remembered Santana humming in her ear.
And then she remembered Santana realising who she was and the look of disbelief and horror on her face. Brittany had been pretty hurt in the past, especially the last few months, but that look – that one look – was quite possibly the worst.
Stop it. New Year's was over a month ago. You need to forget it.
She swallowed and sat up the chair, opening her eyes and staring at her own reflection. Things were finally going well with Rachel. They had a semblance of what their friendship used to be. In some ways it was even better. It wasn't so superficial. They took an active interest in each other's lives. They laughed together and had lunch together, even had a few spa days – although Brittany hadn't stepped foot inside the sauna since she'd been in there with Santana.
Don't look, she willed herself, forcing her eyes to stay fixed on her own face.
Since the grand revelation of her betrayal two months before, Brittany had been working fucking hard to prove to Rachel that she was truly sorry. She participated in glee club without needing to be pushed. They didn't talk about the fact that Rachel wasn't back on the Cheerios, although Brittany had been dropping subtle hints every now and then. They definitely didn't talk about Santana. At all. She was a forbidden topic when it was just the two of them. Brittany was only too happy to comply with Rachel's silent request. She was focused on repairing her friendship. A surefire way to torpedo that would be if Rachel found out that she still had feelings for Santana.
Frustrated, Brittany grabbed the flat iron and teased the ends of her hair a little more. Rachel and Santana were happy from what she could tell. Rachel had been upset about the whole New Year's debacle, but both Brittany and Santana had apologised profusely, saying that they had no idea what was happening. There had been a lot of confusion, but Brittany was very grateful that Rachel accepted their apologies and they had simply moved on.
Nobody needed to know that she was the only one who remembered what had really happened.
"Britt?"
Speak of the devil.
Brittany could only manage a simple glance at the dark eyes in her mirror. "What's up?" she asked quietly.
Santana was quiet for a few moments. "I know things have been…weird or whatever, but I wanted to thank you for moving past all our drama and sticking with glee club. We really are so much better with you and Rachel."
Brittany plastered a small smile – and yes, it was a teeny bit genuine – and nodded her appreciation. When she and Santana did have their few and far between one-on-ones, the blonde made a concerted effort to keep it short and platonic. She still wasn't sure if it was because every time Santana looked at her, all she could remember was those fleeting moments before they kissed, when Santana's eyes would flutter closed. Brittany knew that she was being ridiculous. She knew she was only creating more problems for herself. Santana was with Rachel. Rachel was her best friend (even if she wasn't Rachel's…yet) and no one could know about her feelings, especially Santana and Rachel. Nonchalance and staying away from the Latina had been her lifesaver over the last two months.
Barring New Year's of course.
"Um, have you-" Santana began again, but was interrupted by Rachel wrapping her arms around her waist.
"Did I interrupt something?" Rachel asked lightly, but Brittany could hear the distrustful undertone. She supposed she couldn't really blame her.
"No, I was just thanking Britt for sticking with us rejects," Santana replied easily, turning in Rachel's arms and nuzzling her neck.
Brittany quickly averted her eyes, focusing on her nails.
"You're not rejects," Rachel replied matter-of-factly. "The people in this room are probably some of the most genuine and interesting people I will ever meet."
"And hot?" Santana teased.
"The hottest," Rachel purred back.
You can say that again.
Brittany squeezed her eyes closed. She hated that the voice in her head took every opportunity to remind her just how fucked up she was. She was crushing – hard – on her best friend's girlfriend after already having sex with her and making out a bunch of times.
There's a special place in hell with my name on the door, she thought ruefully.
It had taken some time, but she had finally admitted to herself that she wasn't completely straight. Of course, she had only admitted it to herself. Rachel already knew, but since their talk all those weeks ago, they hadn't spoken any more about Brittany's sexuality, her infidelity or her sister.
Brittany stood up abruptly. She couldn't think about her either. Her sister was lost, gone with the times. She had no idea how to find her, even if she wanted to.
"B?"
She looked up and saw Rachel's curious look.
"I'm fine. Just going to the bathroom," Brittany replied, stepping past the couple and heading out the door.
She walked quickly to the bathroom and headed straight for the faucet. She turned the tap on and drank some water, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat.
You're not allowed to be jealous of them, she told her reflection sternly. They are together. They're a couple. They're happy. And you're happy for them.
Brittany nodded firmly at her reflection. She said those same five sentences to herself about twenty times a day. And she would continue to say them if it meant that Rachel still called her a friend.
"And the winner of this year's Regional Show Choir Competition is…New Directions!"
Santana squealed happily and wrapped Rachel into a hug immediately. She hadn't expected them to lose, really. They'd killed their performances.
"Babe, you were so good," she said into Rachel's ear as they continued their embrace. "I'm so fucking proud of you. You absolutely decimated Strong Enough with Quinn."
Rachel pulled out of the hug and kissed her lightly. "Don't sell yourself short, San. You were phenomenal too."
"Well, duh," she teased with a chuckle.
Rachel smiled and leaned in for a more sensual kiss, but they were ripped apart by their fellow glee club members and pulled into excited and celebratory hugs. Santana laughed and ruffled Blaine's afro. She was on a total high and it felt pretty awesome that it wasn't recreationally induced. Without really registering who the person next to her was, she threw her arms around them.
Immediately, her body felt like it was on fire. As she inhaled Brittany's familiar scent, her insides clenched. She needed to pull away. They weren't supposed to hug. It was a really bad idea. She felt Brittany's arms tighten briefly around her waist and she closed her eyes for a brief second to allow the sensations to flow through her.
No! This is wrong!
She quickly let the blonde go and stepped back awkwardly.
"Um…"
Brittany was looking down guiltily. "You…um…you were great, Santana."
"Y-Yeah. You too, Brittany. You really killed that choreography in Defying Gravity."
Brittany just nodded and glanced up at Santana, but her eyes drifted to past her and widened.
Shit.
Santana turned around and saw Rachel staring at them, her eyes narrowed. Quickly, Santana walked towards her and grabbed her hands. "It was nothing, okay? Just a celebratory hug. We've hugged everyone."
Rachel just looked at her and took a deep breath. "I guess I'll just have to trust your word, won't I?"
Santana frowned. Rachel sounded completely distrusting. "Hey, that's not fair. I have been one hundred percent honest with you about everything that's happened."
Her girlfriend sighed in frustration. "I know that. It doesn't make it any easier to stomach it, Santana."
With that, Rachel pulled away and walked off the stage. Santana rubbed her forehead against her palm. It felt like they were just going around in circles. She knew that New Year's had really messed things up. All the progress they'd made had been shot to shit with one moment.
You're becoming a pro at those moments. And they all happen to be with Brittany.
Santana scowled at her thoughts. She wasn't an idiot. To any outsider, it would look really bad. Hell, it was bad. She'd cheated on her girlfriend with her best friend. Her girlfriend had given them another chance and she'd done something stupid with the very same fucking best friend while Rachel had been out of town. Nothing had really happened, though…
Yeah, right.
She groaned inwardly and went to sit on the steps at the back of the stage. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't remember anything from that night. Brittany had promised her that nothing had happened between them. She didn't exactly have any reason to distrust her after how she'd been acting. She was more terrified that Rachel would sever all ties with her completely.
In front of her, streamers and confetti were being thrown everywhere and the cheers were almost deafening. She didn't feel so elated anymore.
Why can't I get rid of these stupid feelings? Things have been good with Rachel. Yeah, not great, but that's my own fault. This whole Brittany thing needs to end.
"Hey, you okay?" Quinn asked, sitting next to her.
"Yeah," she replied with a sigh.
"Uh oh. I know that tone."
"Oh, yeah?"
"That's your Brittany tone."
Santana whipped her head to her best friend. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" she hissed. "I do not have a Brittany tone."
Quinn smirked. "Oh no? You get this guilty look on her face and your tone becomes all dejected because every time you think about her y-"
"I am not thinking about her. I'm happy with Rachel."
Quinn just nodded, but Santana could tell that she didn't believe her. "Your family's waiting for you."
The Latina looked out at the crowd and saw Angelo tuck Miguel's head under his arm in a playful hold. It wasn't long before their mother hit them both over the head. She could just imagine their whines of mami as she reprimanded them.
A grin crept onto her face and she felt a wave of appreciation for her family. All the drama with her and Rachel and Brittany was momentarily forgotten as she headed to the edge of the stage. Ferdi was waiting to help her down. He held her waist and she threw her arms around his neck.
"You were so amazing, hermana," he said, his voice full of pride. "Every time I see you sing, you're better."
"Thanks, Ferdi," she replied shyly.
"Santanita!" Angelo called loudly.
Santana rolled her eyes and let Ferdi put her down before she was picked up by her oldest brother.
"Angelo!" she squealed. "Put me down, loser!"
Of course, in typical big brother fashion, he didn't.
Brittany was hesitant to head back to the choir room. She knew Rachel would be there. She also knew that Rachel was upset. Angry, even. She was seated on the top step of the stage stairs that they used during their performances. A familiar squeal caught her attention and she immediately locked her gaze on the Latina that tormented her so much.
She was surrounded by three massive guys who all looked alike. An older couple were standing off to one side.
Santana's family, she realised.
She felt a pang in her heart, but it was the different to the ache she felt when she thought about Santana. The Lopez family all had proud smiles on their faces. Her parents hadn't come to watch her perform in any of her cheer competitions or even her dance recitals when she was younger. That was why she'd stopped doing them. She just went to the classes because she enjoyed them. She didn't have to pretend to be anyone or do anything a certain way. She could just be.
Brittany watched as one of the guys swung Santana around. The look of utter joy on her face made Brittany's heart hurt. One of deepest secrets, maybe even the deepest, darkest secrets of all her deep, dark secrets was how often she pictured herself being the person to put a smile like that on Santana's face.
But it wouldn't happen. It couldn't happen. It was a dream, a dark dream. And those, Brittany knew, were the kind that never came true.
"Okay, let's have it," Santana said, dropping her overnight bag at the foot of Rachel's bed.
Her girlfriend just arched an eyebrow from where she lay on her bed, phone in hand.
Santana rolled her eyes. "Come on, Rach. You've been in a bad mood since we left the competition. You don't think my parents didn't notice that you barely said anything at dinner?"
Rachel put her phone on her nightstand and crawled on her knees to where Santana was leaning against one of the bed posts. The Latina swallowed, seeing the familiar glint in her girlfriend's eyes. Rachel pulled her tank top over her head and dropped it over the edge of the bed. She didn't say anything as she grabbed Santana's hips and jerked her forward into a kiss. Santana responded straight away, her own hands immediately digging into the warm and soft skin of her girlfriend's back.
Rachel moved backwards so that she was laying on the bed and Santana followed once she'd removed her own shirt. She hovered over her girlfriend and smiled tenderly before leaning down and kissing her. Rachel flipped them over and wasted no time in undoing her jeans, shoving them down to her thighs. She took Santana's hand and directed it to where she wanted it. Santana frowned internally, but obliged. Rachel hadn't been so forceful and quiet before. She always whispered things to her and made sure that it was tender as well as passionate. It almost felt like she was experiencing a different side of Rachel.
It was still hot as fuck, though, so she wasn't complaining. Her girlfriend rode her fingers hard. The soft moans that she was making were really turning Santana on more and more.
"Fuck, San," Rachel moaned.
"God, you look so hot with my fingers inside you," Santana whispered, kissing Rachel's neck.
"Hotter than when they were inside Brittany?"
Santana froze and pulled back, staring at Rachel in complete disbelief. Her girlfriend was breathing a little heavily, but her expression showed that she was dead serious.
What the fuck?
"What kind of a question is that?" Santana asked.
"One that you're avoiding evidently," Rachel replied, rolling her hips slightly. "What's wrong, Santana? You can't be honest with me?"
"Fuck, Rachel, what is this?" Santana asked, pulling her fingers out and pushing her girlfriend off her. "I'm not in the mood for fucking mind games."
"You're not in the mood? Hmmm, our pretty active sex life would suggest otherwise."
Santana got off the bed and frowned. "That's not what I meant and you know that. Why would you even bring her up when we're having sex?"
Rachel was quiet, but her expression remained serious. "You told me that you didn't have feelings for her."
"Are you-"
"Shut up," Rachel hissed, cutting Santana off completely. "I'm not fucking stupid, Santana. I have eyes. I see how the two of you look at each other when you think no one can see you. I saw that hug today."
"Rachel, it was a hug. Are you going to analyse every single hug I have with someone? Or maybe I should just stop hugging people." She shook her head in disbelief.
"Do you have feelings for Brittany?" Rachel asked in a low voice.
Santana swallowed, hoping that her expression didn't give her away.
"Santana!"
"I don't know!" she eventually blurted out. It was a lie. She did know. And she hated that she did.
Rachel chuckled in disbelief. "So much for not lying to each other anymore."
"Rach, I thought we were past this. I am committed to you, to us. Whatever I may feel for her pales in comparison to what we have."
Um, lie.
Santana mentally glared at her conscience.
"You know, you keep saying how much you care about me and how committed you are, but I always find myself wondering what happens when I'm not around."
"God, how many times do I have to apologise for New Year's?" Santana groaned in exasperation. "You said that you understood what happened! That neither one of us was to blame."
"Maybe I changed my mind!" Rachel snapped back.
"This is crazy," the Latina muttered, bending down to grab her shirt and Rachel's tank top. She tossed it to her girlfriend before pulling her own on hurriedly.
"Is it crazy for me to second guess what happens when you and Brittany are alone in a room? Or fuck, even outdoors, apparently?"
Santana wanted to scream with frustration. "Okay, you want to rehash this? Let's do it. Brittany hosted a New Year's party and invited all the glee club members. Allow me to repeat that. All the glee club members. I believe this next point is a vital part of our story. I called you and asked you if it was okay that I went. You said sure. Do you need me to repeat that?"
"Fuck off, Santana. That's because I seriously didn't think you'd do something again."
Santana rolled her eyes. "Whatever. So I went. I didn't drink because I wanted to make sure that I didn't do anything stupid."
Rachel snorted in disbelief.
"You know what? Clearly, you're going to believe what you want to. Why are we even doing this again?"
"Santana, you slept together."
"We were asleep in the same bed," Santana corrected. "Yet you seem to think that we did so much more than that."
"Is that not bad enough?"
"Nothing happened," Santana reiterated. "I've actually lost count of how many times I've told you that."
"See, that's the part where I have trouble believing you."
Santana just remained quiet. She didn't know how else to express how nothing had happened between her and Brittany. She remembered waking up to see Brittany sitting up in bed, staring straight ahead. Before she'd even woken up properly, Brittany had vehemently denied anything happening. Santana had paused, but chosen to believe her. Brittany had left her room pretty soon after that.
"If you want to believe something happened, then that's your deal, Rachel. Both Brittany and I still had our clothes on and we woke up on opposite ends of the bed." She laughed mirthlessly. "I seriously don't know what else to tell you."
She swallowed subtly as a brief memory of Brittany moaning quietly in her ear flashed in her mind. She honestly couldn't remember anything. The weed that Blaine had brought with him had been laced with something. Both her and Brittany had passed out before midnight and had somehow ended up in the same bed. All she could remember was that one sound, that one fleeting moment. But it could have been anything. A nightmare, Brittany throwing up or something else – anything else. It didn't have to mean that anything had happened between them. Santana actively tried to forget it every day.
"You're never going to trust me, are you?" the Latina eventually asked quietly, wringing her hands.
Rachel sighed. "Could you really blame me if I said no?"
Santana lifted a shoulder in response. "You're always going to believe whatever you want to, Rach. Especially when it comes to me and Britt. Even when both of us have told you that nothing happened, you're still going to convince yourself that something did."
She ignored her inner voice sending her a mental version of a pointed look, complete with smirk.
They looked at each other for a long while. "Honestly, Santana? Something happened between you two a long time ago and it just hasn't gone away."
"W…What? That's just…" Santana faltered, not able to find words to rebuke what Rachel had said.
"Exactly." The shorter brunette pulled her tank top on and climbed off the bed. "Look, nothing's been the same since…you and Brittany happened. It's just a fact. Even before New Year's, I could feel some underlying…I don't even know how to describe it. Suspicion? Maybe. I dunno."
Santana felt her chest start to ache painfully. She knew what was coming. It didn't mean that she was going to go down without a fight. "So Thanksgiving? Christmas? That didn't mean anything?"
Rachel's hard expression softened somewhat. "No, San. I loved spending that time with you and your family."
"But those good times apparently mean jack shit when you make a few mistakes," Santana said bitterly.
Rachel stepped up to her and took her hands, stopping the wringing. "You and I both knew that this was coming. Too much has happened with external influences to make this relationship work in the long run. I don't regret what we had, Santana. What I hate right now is that I'm always second guessing you and Brittany and even myself. It's not healthy."
"So why can't you just believe me?" Santana whispered sadly.
Rachel smiled a watery smile. "Because what am I supposed to believe when it happens again?"
"It won-"
"Sssh," Rachel cut in, putting a hand over Santana's mouth to stop her protest. "I'm not blind, Santana. There is something between you and Brittany. It's been building since the start of the year. If you're not literally fighting each other, you're fucking each other or stealing kisses in saunas and behind garages."
Santana sniffed and brushed the tears running down her cheeks. "I don't want her, Rachel. I want you."
"I have no doubt that you do, San. I can feel that you do when we're together. But I just can't share you. I want all of you and I'm woman enough to realise that I'm never going to have that."
Santana started sobbing and pulled away from Rachel. "You're breaking up with me because you have convinced yourself that there's something going on between me and Brittany. This is completely ridiculous." She hurriedly wiped her eyes. She hated crying.
"Do you think that I want to lose you?" Rachel asked, walking up behind Santana.
Santana could feel her body heat and it just made everything worse. She let out a loud sob when Rachel's hands came to rest on her hips and her lips met between her shoulder blades.
"You are such an amazing girl, Santana Lopez. I count my lucky stars that I found you and that we were able to experience these few months together. I know that you've taught me a lot about myself." She paused and sighed. "As much as I wish that what happened hadn't happened, it did. I can't change that. I really pictured a future with you."
"We can still have one," Santana replied, turning around and cupping Rachel's face. "You are the one that I want to be with. Just you."
She leaned down and kissed Rachel softly, trying desperately to convince her that she didn't want them to break up. Rachel reciprocated it, but Santana could tell that it was half-hearted. She was pulling away.
She broke the kiss and begged, "Rachel, please! I don't want to lose you."
Rachel sighed and dropped her gaze. "Santana, we can't continue like this." She smiled ruefully. "You and Brittany have got to be the two most in denial people I know."
"Denial?" Santana asked in confusion. "Denial about what?"
"About each other. About your feelings."
The Latina scoffed. "I am not in denial about Brittany Pierce."
Rachel smiled sadly and kissed her cheek. "I never thought I would ever say this, but there's a lot you don't know about her so don't write her off so easily. She is very capable of love."
Santana's eyes went wide and she stepped back from Rachel. "L-Love? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Don't worry. Brittany isn't in love with you, San," Rachel replied, but the unspoken yet hung heavily in the air.
Santana knew that things had changed between her and Brittany. She wasn't a total blind, deaf and dumb moron. But Brittany Pierce? And her? No, just…no. It would never happen. Brittany had made that very clear herself during their last argument.
"Five minutes ago, you were yelling at me for my past indiscretions with her and now you're talking to me about her feelings and my feelings. I'm a little confused here, Rachel. I don't want to be with Brittany. I want to be with you."
"I know," Rachel replied simply. "And I want to be with you."
"So why-"
"Because you could never fall in love with me, Santana."
That shut the Latina up.
"I know that's what you want. You've told me enough times about how your parents met and fell in love. Hell, even Angelo's love story with Liz is a cute one. You want a grand love story and I can't give that to you when you have feelings for both me and my best friend."
"No, no, that's not. I don't," Santana insisted.
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Sometimes I think I know you better than you do. I'm sure Quinn will be able to back me up."
"W-What?" Santana squeezed her eyes closed and stepped away from Rachel. "This is completely messed up. Rachel, what do I need to do to ensure that this night doesn't end with me walking out of your house single?"
Santana sat down on the edge of the bed when Rachel didn't reply immediately. She sniffed as more tears collected in her eyes and she felt her irritation levels rise. After everything they'd been through, she'd really thought they'd turned a corner and were heading to a point where they were finally past everything that had happened.
"You know that it's going to happen sometime," Rachel said quietly and Santana could hear how her voice wavered. "We may not want to end this, San, but realistically, we're not endgame. I'm not your penguin."
Santana's shoulders started shaking with her barely concealed crying. She felt Rachel's hands on her shoulders and move up her neck to cup her cheeks and force her to look up. She jerked away roughly, but Rachel just held her again. She was reminded of just how strong her girlfriend was.
Or was she already her ex-girlfriend?
"I hate you for doing this," Santana muttered, trying to glare at Rachel. She knew that it came across very half-heartedly.
"Well, you hated me once," Rachel replied.
"Once upon a time," Santana whispered. "And now I have these feelings for you that I'm, what? Just supposed to switch off?"
Rachel smiled and leaned down to kiss her. "San, you can't turn off your feelings off. That's why we need to do this. It's why we need to do it now, before each of us get attached any further."
Santana's hands went to Rachel's hips and pulled her close. Without preamble, Rachel climbed onto the bed, straddling Santana.
"I care for you so much, Santana," Rachel said quietly, her voice breaking a little.
Santana looked up into brown eyes and saw how much it was killing Rachel to go through with it.
"Rachel, you don't want to do this. I can see that you don't."
"I have to, San. For both of our sakes, I have to end this now."
"I don't know who convinced you that you can't be my penguin," Santana said with a sigh, resting her forehead against Rachel's collarbone. She placed feather kisses across the tops of her breasts. She could feel's Rachel's heartbeat increase. "I even told Quinn right at the beginning that I could see myself falling in love with you."
"That was before Brittany, sweetie."
"Why do you keep saying that?" Santana asked in exasperation. "Seriously, if I didn't know any better, I almost expect you to suggest that I start dating her or something."
"No, you can't do that."
"Exactly."
"She's not ready."
"What?" Santana's eyes widened to comically-sized saucers.
Rachel sighed and ran her fingers through Santana's hair. "Tonight, during dinner, I was just thinking about everything that's happened and one thing just became so obvious to me."
"You need psychological help?" Santana replied dryly.
Rachel tugged on her hair playfully. "I remember seeing you that day that you came to my house and told me you cheated on me. I was so fucking angry, but I remember seeing how guilty you felt. That look on your face hasn't left me. It made me realise that you aren't that type of person. You don't mess around with people's emotions purposefully, unlike me and Britt. You're genuine. You don't do anything that you don't want to do."
"Rach-"
The shorter brunette covered her mouth. "This is where you listen." She lifted her hand and gave Santana a short kiss. "Even before I knew that it was Brittany, something kept nagging at me. I couldn't figure out how you could do something so…callous. It just completely went against your nature. That was when I realised that it was more than you screwing someone else. There were feelings involved." She traced Santana's eyebrow with her index finger. "I wanted to be selfish. I wanted you for myself so I ignored the thoughts. I just wanted you and me to try. And try we did, San."
"But now you're taking the easy way out."
"I'm not taking the easy way out. None of this is easy. You really think that I want to give you up, give this up?" Rachel placed her hand over Santana's heart. "God, Santana, I don't think you even realise how much I want to ignore everything we've said tonight and just stay in this state of blissful ignorance."
Santana held her tighter, relishing in the feeling of their bodies pressed against each other. "Why can't we do that?"
"Because neither of us is ignorant."
Santana groaned in frustration and buried her face in the crook of Rachel's neck.
"I know, baby. It sucks," Rachel said quietly, running her fingers through Santana's dark hair once more. "I'm just pre-empting the inevitable."
"What exactly do you think is inevitable? That I'm going to run off with Brittany or something else completely impossible?"
"No. So much has changed since I asked you to be my girlfriend all those months ago, and yeah, it has been for the worse. We haven't come out stronger as much as I wish I could say we have. I know myself, San. And I know you better than I think you realise. The guilt of having feelings for Brittany is going to start eating away at you; it's already eating away at you. And because I know you have feelings for her, I'm going to always be waiting for that day when you come to me and say that something's happened, or even break up with me because it's getting too much for you."
"Jesus, Rach," Santana choked out. "How long has this been churning around in your head? Why haven't you talked to me about this?"
Rachel lifted a shoulder. "It's always been in the back of my mind since I heard you and Britt, but it's been…louder, I guess, since New Year's. And, San, I couldn't talk to you about it because I know how much you want us. You'd just deny it, much like you denied having feelings for Brittany."
"But-"
"Just stop lying to yourself, Santana." Rachel's eyes bore into hers. "It hurts me to know that I had all of you for maybe a few days before Brittany wormed her way in there-"
"God, no, Rachel. It wasn't like that."
"It wasn't?" She was genuinely curious.
Santana sighed. "No." Her fingers started tracing patterns on Rachel's back underneath her tank top. "I don't…fuck, I can't believe I'm actually talking about this with you."
"If you don't talk to me, who will you talk to, Santana? Quinn? She doesn't understand what our relationship has been like. Sure, she gets the dailies from you and sometimes me, but only we know our own dynamic. And our dynamic is a weird, fucked up one where we're completely attracted to each other, but I can't trust you and you will never love me. That's just how it is."
Santana just stared at her, mouth slightly agape. "That cut and dried, huh?" she asked, her tone hurt.
"I think we're past the point of sugar-coating things, aren't we?" Rachel countered.
"I guess…I mean…" She fell silent.
"You were attracted to Brittany when you first kissed, weren't you?"
Santana swallowed. "Um, I th-think so. Maybe? I don't know!" she groaned.
"What about when you-"
"Please don't say it," Santana cut in. "Just…while we're still like this, for however long this is going to last, please just don't say it."
"Not saying it doesn't mean it didn't happen, Santana."
"I know. Uh, I g-guess there were…moments where I realised that there was…something. Um, I tried to forget as much of it as I could, but…"
"It's difficult to forget something that affects us so profoundly," Rachel murmured, leaning down to kiss Santana's cheek. "That's why breaking up with you is so fucking hard. I don't want to forget what we had."
"Please don't forget," Santana whispered, closing her eyes as she felt Rachel's lips ghost across her forehead and cheeks.
"I won't," Rachel promised. She pulled back and their eyes met. "Santana, I could never forget what we've had. The good and the bad. Although, I'll probably be remembering the good as much as possible."
Santana sighed, finally resigning to their fate. "I hope that you can remember the good times more, that they overshadow how much I've hurt you."
"In time they will. You have such a big heart, San, and I know that having even a small part of it for a time has meant so much to me."
The Latina felt two tears roll down her cheeks simultaneously. She closed her eyes as Rachel kissed them away softly.
"You should be angry with me. You shouldn't be so wonderful when we're breaking up."
"I was angry the last time. I know that this is the right thing to do and I can be angry about it tomorrow. I can scream and shout and hate myself for giving you up, but right now, in this moment, I know that it's the right thing to do. I still care about you, Santana. That's not going to stop the second you walk out my door. I know that it's going to be hard when we're at school and in glee club. I'm going to look at the chair next to me and wish that you were there so that I can hold your hand and you can kiss my cheek."
"So we can't do anything like that?" Santana whispered sadly. "Everything will just be gone?"
"We'll remember," Rachel replied, once again placing her hand over Santana's heart. "You'll have all your memories in here."
"Rachel, I really don't want this," she begged. "I don't want us to break up."
"I know, sweetie." They kissed for a few moments. "But it's for the best. If it helps, I doubt I'm ever going to find someone quite like you."
Santana sniffed quietly. "Well, there's no one quite like Rachel Berry. I'll never find anyone like you again, either."
"Hmmm. But maybe that's why this didn't work," Rachel whispered. "I'm not the one for you."
God, I wish she would stop saying that. Every time she does, I have to force myself to ignore that she's talking about Brittany. I don't want to be with Brittany. We could never, ever have what Rachel and I have. Not by a long shot.
Santana and Rachel looked at each other for a long while until Santana leaned up to join their lips in a sensual kiss, eventually moving them back onto the bed. One last time, they allowed themselves to become lost in each other, knowing that it was the best way to say goodbye.
Brittany woke up suddenly and looked hazily around. Was she in her room? Whirling around, she rammed into another body.
"Whossat?" she mumbled, her brain still very fuzzy. What the hell had happened?
Groaning, she rolled over to the other side and reached for her phone. Fumbling for the menu button, she shut her eyes in protest to the sudden light from the screen. It was 1:39am.
"Happy New Year," she mumbled.
Wait. There was someone in bed with her. Who was in bed with her? She held her screen towards her bed mate, the light illuminating long dark hair.
"Holy shit," she whispered, dropping her phone in shock.
No, no, no. Santana shouldn't be in her bed. Bad, bad idea. Where was Rachel? Wait…Rachel wasn't there. She was away with her dads.
Right, party. Her party. Afroboy had brought some party favours that had been way stronger than any of them had anticipated. She vaguely remembered Santana counting the molecules in the air and laughing at their different colours.
Molecules had colours? Wait…molecules are microscopic. What the fuck had been in that kosh?
"Hmmmrrrfff."
Brittany's eyes widened as Santana rolled over in her sleep and threw an arm across her waist, hugging her close.
"Oh my God," she couldn't help but whisper out loud. Her heart started hammering uncontrollably. Santana was snuggling with her.
"Smell good," Santana mumbled, nuzzling her nose against Brittany neck. "Yum."
Brittany swallowed nervously. She needed to pull away. She needed to-
Holy fuck.
Santana was kissing her neck. It was soft, but her body temperature skyrocketed at the sensation. Whatever high she'd been on came rushing back and she felt like she was floating on cloud nine. Or cloud infinity. Whatever the best cloud was.
Santana's hand slid under her sweater, under her shirt and under her tank top – it was the middle of winter for Christ's sake, okay? – and Brittany was pretty sure she'd just died. If heaven felt even a fraction of what she was feeling – of what Santana was making her feel – she'd gladly go towards the white light.
"Oh, God," she moaned quietly, as Santana shifted more to press her body against Brittany's.
Wait, what if Santana thought she was Rachel? Brittany swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. It was wrong. What she was doing was wrong. Okay, so she wasn't technically doing anything, but she sure as hell wasn't discouraging Santana's advances.
"So goo'," Santana mumbled again, moving her lips up Brittany's neck towards her jaw line.
She had to stop things before they went too far. Before she couldn't stop.
"Santana," she said hoarsely. God, the girl was doing unspeakable things to her. "W-We can't. You n-need to – oh – stop!"
Of course, Santana chose at that moment to push herself up so that she was leaning completely into Brittany, even half over her and hovered over her face. Brittany's breath came out in short puffs. Santana's dark eyes stared back down at her. Even without light, she found herself getting lost in them.
Was she awake? Like really awake?
Brittany's answer was the girl of her dreams – literally – leaning down and fusing their lips together. She couldn't rein in the loud moan in her throat at the feeling of Santana's lips on hers again. She gasped when Santana pulled away. Her chest was pounding. Everything was just so much. Her emotions were at an intense peak that she'd never experienced before.
Santana shifted so that she was completely on top of Brittany and her hand, previously against her rib cage, travelled even higher, skimming the bottom of her bra.
"Oh, fuck," she breathed, her back arching involuntarily.
She heard Santana chuckle softly before joining their lips again. Her tongue swiped Brittany's bottom lip and not even a second later, she was being kissed like she'd never been kissed before. Or maybe she had and it was just the weed or whatever that was making it all so much more intense.
All Brittany could think about was Santana. Santana, Santana, Santana. Her mind, body and soul were completely overwhelmed by one thing.
Santana.
Their kisses became passionate to the point of frenzied, but neither broke away. Brittany's hand was cradling Santana's neck, ensuring that the angle of her face resulted in the most sensual contact possible. Her other hand was – without her even realising it – firmly massaging the Latina's jean clad ass. It didn't take long for Santana to start rocking her hips against Brittany's, encourage by the blonde's hand.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my Santana.
Santana's knee nudged Brittany's leg apart and she felt a glorious pressure against her core. Santana was flexing her thigh in all the right places, sending the most insane shoots of pleasure all through Brittany's body. It was exhilarating. She lifted her own thigh, moaning when she felt Santana grind down against it.
Their kiss broke, but only to pant breathlessly against each other's lips.
"Fuck," Brittany groaned in a broken whisper. Her hands gripped Santana tighter and their rocking became more frantic.
She was pretty sure that her pleasure couldn't grow, but then she heard Santana moaning in her ear, before placing a hot, sticky kiss against her neck.
That, along with a hard thigh thrust from Santana, was too much for her to handle. She whimpered in pleasure as her orgasm swept over her. Santana ground down especially hard before her entire body shook and she collapsed on top of Brittany, breathing hard.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
They'd just had sex. Fully clothed, grinding sex.
Shit.
Why did her satisfaction outweigh her guilt? Oh, right. Santana humming against her neck. The sensation sent a shiver down her body, which made her orgasm aftershocks more pleasurable. The girl on top of her sighed in what sounded like contentment and kissed the bottom of her jaw before snuggling into her neck.
She knew it was wrong. Deep down, the logical side of her was shaking an accusatory finger. But Santana in her arms was just a completely overwhelming feeling. Brittany had never been a cuddler, but she couldn't get enough of Santana's body pressing against her in complete comfort.
Her mind suddenly went rampant, thinking about how things could be if they were together, like really together. They could cuddle all the time and have amazing lady sex. They could…
Santana suddenly sat up.
Brittany sat up too. Her eyes had adjusted enough to the darkness of the room to see the look on her face. She'd obviously been in some haze. Probably an effect of the weed, or whatever had been in the weed. And now she'd woken up. Santana would for sure never look at her again. Once again, Brittany had ruined everything.
Nervously, she met the wide dark eyes of the girl that had, only moments before, taken her to heights of pleasure she had only dreamt of. The expression on Santana's face almost broke her heart.
No, wait. As she swallowed, she felt the splinters poke at her insides.
Already broken. She was done for.
Like she'd been burned, Santana backed away from Brittany as quickly as she could.
Wow, so this is what this feels like, she thought.
Without a word, Santana turned her back to Brittany, lay down and became still. Brittany didn't move. She just stared at Santana's back, watching as it rose and fell with deep, even breaths.
Four hours later, she was still awake, sitting up against her headboard, staring straight ahead.
"Brittany?"
Her head snapped right and she saw Santana half-turned around with a confused expression on her face.
"Nothing happened," she blurted before anything else.
"What…why am I here? Is this…Are we in your room?"
"Nothing happened," Brittany repeated firmly, needing Santana to believe her.
Santana just looked at her for a while, her dark eyes searching Brittany's. Then she sighed.
"Okay," she said simply. "I believe you."
"You…do?"
"Well, you have no reason to lie, right? The last thing I remember is…" Her eyes widened and Brittany started panicking. "Oh, God. Was I counting molecules or some shit?"
The blonde breathed an internal sigh of relief. "Um, yeah. I don't know how we got up here. I, uh, woke up a few minutes ago and we were here…like this."
Santana glanced at the huge distance between them in Brittany's queen-sized bed and lifted the covers to see herself still fully dressed.
"Rachel's not gonna like this," she said with a sigh.
"Nothing happened, though."
"Well, yeah. But the fact that we slept in the same bed? She'll need some convincing."
"If we both tell her the same thing, she'll have to believe us," Brittany insisted.
Santana nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like it'll have to do."
"Okay. I'm gonna go. Um, who knows what happened downstairs. Bye!"
Brittany almost fell out of bed as she moved the covers off her legs and practically ran to the door. Once on the other side, she leaned against the wall and slid down, holding her face in her hands.
Brittany jerked awake – for real, this time. She glanced to her right. It had become a habit since that night, and every time she looked, she was disappointed to find it empty.
Who are you kidding? Santana is with Rachel. Sure, things were weird for a bit afterwards, but Rachel believes that nothing happened.
No one could ever know what had happened between her and Santana and her that night. As delicious a torture as it was to see the girl that had brought her so much pleasure on two occasions making kissy faces with her best friend, it was for the best.
You're not allowed to be jealous of them. They are together. They're a couple. They're happy. And you're happy for them.
Brittany groaned, punched her pillow and pushed the covers off her body. It had just gone five-thirty, but there was no way she was getting any more sleep. She had early morning Cheerios practice so getting to school an hour early wouldn't kill her. She'd run the track enough times in the past few weeks to memorise the different grooves in the ground.
Thankfully, the running and Cheerios practice kept her mind sufficiently occupied until the beginning of school. As she walked out of her mandatory Monday morning meeting with Coach Em, she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. So far, so good.
Her route to homeroom from Coach Em's office took her past the choir room. Any evidence of the Regionals competition on Friday had been removed. Other than the banners announcing their victory in the main hallways. She rolled her eyes externally as she passed one, but felt a little swell of pride internally. Her contributions had ensured that victory.
The sound of a piano being played softly made her slow down as she approached the choir room. It was still early enough that the hallways were pretty deserted. Brittany poked her head in and bit her lip when she saw Santana sitting at the black piano, her shoulders slumped. She glanced around and ducked around the corner into Ms. S's office.
It hit her just how pathetic she was being, resorting to hiding in offices to just get a glimpse of the girl she wasn't able to forget, but wasn't allowed to look at.
This is ridiculous. You need to get over this, B. Fierce Pierce! Come on. Just stand up and go to homeroom.
Brittany set her jaw. She was being completely ridiculous. She was about to stand up when she heard Santana start to play a familiar tune and sing along. Her eyes widened when she heard the pain in the Latina's voice.
I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
Alone
Something was very, very wrong. Santana didn't sing sad songs. Not in the four-odd months she'd been in Glee had she ever heard Santana Lopez sing a sad song. The only time hadn't really been in glee club, but when she'd been waiting for the intervention for Sectionals or whatever the hell it had been. And it had been when she and Rachel had been broken up.
Wait…
That couldn't mean…
"Santana!"
Brittany almost fell to the floor to stop from being seen. Her heart was pounding from nervousness. There was no way in hell that she was moving. If anyone would know what was wrong, it would be Quinn
"San, you haven't replied to any of my texts!" Brittany heard Quinn say with worry. "I've been freaking out the whole weekend. Your mom said that you didn't want to see me."
"I'm sorry," Santana said quietly.
Brittany swallowed and let out a slow breath. Santana sounded so…small.
"Honey, what happened?"
There was silence for a long time.
"I…" Santana began, before Brittany heard her take a shaky breath. "We, uh… Rachel broke up with me."
Brittany's jaw dropped and she was thankful that she hadn't collected any of her books because she was certain they would have been dropped on the floor in shock. Rachel broke up with Santana? That didn't make any sense?
"I thought things were going well?" Quinn asked in confusion.
"They were, I think. I dunno," Santana mumbled. Brittany had to strain her ears to hear anything. "It was messed up, Quinn. I mean, we were about to have sex and then she asked me if she felt better than Brittany-"
What the fuck? Brittany thought in alarm. That didn't sound like Rachel at all. Oh, crap. The hug.
"-and then we were kinda yelling and then everything got quiet and she told me that it was best we break up now then a few weeks or months down the line when we're both more invested."
"But you are invested. Isn't that the point of a relationship?"
"She said… She said that she wanted all of me, and if she couldn't have all of me, then she didn't want to wait for the inevitable heartache."
"All of you? What are you talking about, San? You're not making sense."
"Do you think I understand what the fuck is going on?" Santana snapped. "Rachel broke up with me because she knows that I have feelings for Brittany. And she doesn't want to compete with that."
Brittany was frozen to the floor. Santana had feelings for her? Her? A small smile crept onto her face.
"Wait, hold up. I thought you said that you had spoken about everything?"
"We have. We did." Santana sighed and Brittany could hear how defeated she sounded. "She said that things changed after New Year's."
"But nothing happened."
Brittany held her breath.
"Santana…nothing happened. Right?"
"I…think so?"
"Wait, you think something did happen or didn't happen?" Quinn clarified.
"I don't know!" Santana replied in exasperation. "Brittany seemed to be so sure, but…"
Oh, crap. She can't know! She'll hate me forever if she remembers.
"Do you remember something?" Quinn asked.
"Kinda. Um…it's like a memory flash."
"Santana, what happened?"
There was silence for a long time before Santana spoke again, "I think we may have…"
"Oh, God," Quinn muttered with a frustrated huff.
"You don't think I realise how fucked up this is? And the worst part? Rachel just kept saying how both of us are in denial about our feelings for each other and about how she wasn't my penguin and basically insinuating that Brittany is."
Penguin? What the fuck does that even mean?
"Brittany Pierce?" Quinn asked in disbelief.
"I know."
"Um, okay. So…is it over? Like completely?"
Santana sniffed. "Yeah. It's over."
Brittany tilted her head back to rest against the wall of Ms. S's office. Santana and Rachel had broken up because of Santana's feelings for her. Santana Lopez, the girl that she couldn't stop thinking about, had feelings for her.
Her.
It felt like her dreams were coming true, and she wished so much that she was brave enough to just step up. She wished that she had the courage to fall in love with Santana the way that she dreamed of because she was absolutely positive that it would be amazing.
A/N: So I know that probably wasn't the type of break up people were expecting, but that particular scene was planned! The whole New Year's thing? Nope, total whim. Hope you guys enjoyed it regardless. And yes, the italics flashback thing is what really happened. It wasn't a dream. So Pezberry is over (for reals), but that doesn't mean immediate Brittana. You guys should know me by now – this is a loooong one.
I'm not insinuating that Blaine purposefully spiked the weed (is that even the right way to say it), or that what happened as a result is okay. Cos it's not. You guys are all responsible so I shouldn't have to give you a lesson on drugs. Really now. This just serves the purpose of the story. Also, I do not have sufficient experience with recreational use of narcotics to know the full spectrum of effects. So if my embellishment is a little beyond the realms of possibility, just go with it ;)
Glad to be back! :)
-H
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