A/N: It will be a while for Brittana to become official. A long while. Britt has a long way to go. But it'll be a fun ride, I think :)
Things are gonna die down a little for a bit with regards to relationship drama so this may seem like a filler, but what happens is pertinent to the story. I don't think filler chapters exist, honestly. That's just me, though.
Hope you enjoy :)
-H
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :(
CHAPTER 30
Quinn Fabray was on a mission. When she got a bee in her bonnet – as her best friend loved to tease her – nothing could stop her until the damn bee had been let out.
"Rachel Berry," she said evenly, walking up behind the former Cheerio at her locker.
The brunette turned around and sighed. "Quinn."
Quinn was momentarily taken aback by how sad Rachel looked, but she brushed it off. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you break up with Santana when things were going so well?"
Rachel scoffed and closed her locker. "If you think things were going well between us, then I guess both of us are better actresses than I thought."
"What are you talking about?"
"I didn't want to break up with Santana. Hell, I still want to be with her. But I couldn't prolong the inevitable."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "The inevitable being Santana and Brittany? Do you even realise how preposterous that is?"
"Of course I do. But I know both of those girls better than they realise and there's something there."
Quinn paused, chewing her lip. She couldn't disagree with Rachel because she'd thought the very same thing on many occasions. She'd also seen how they looked at each other over the last couple of months. There definitely was something.
"Are you so sure that something is going to happen between them that you're willing to sacrifice yours and Santana's happiness?" she asked.
Rachel's eyes dropped. "Nothing will ever happen between them if Santana and I stayed together. She would never cheat on me again, not willingly anyway."
Quinn's eyebrows shot up. Did she remember something from New Years? Quinn hadn't been at the party – her parents had virtually locked her up, saying that she wasn't going anywhere. She wished she had, though. Whatever had happened between Santana and Brittany that night may not have happened if she'd been there.
Who are you kidding? They always seem to find a way to accidentally kiss or have sex, regardless of who's around.
Quinn grimaced inwardly at her doubting conscience. She had to believe that Santana wasn't so…well, slutty. She valued the connection she had with a person, which was why she knew that the whole Rachel/Brittany triangle thing she had going on had really confused her.
And probably still confused her.
"Quinn?"
"Sorry," she mumbled. "I'm just…This is so messed up. After everything that you two have been through, I really thought that you'd make a better go of it this time round."
Rachel frowned, her eyes flashing with hurt. "Do you really think that? I did try, Quinn. God, I have done everything I know to try and get rid of the constant doubt and distrust that just welled up inside me whenever I saw the two of them in close proximity to each other. I was falling in love with her, Quinn." Rachel's voice choked as she admitted something that Quinn was pretty sure she'd kept to herself.
No way would Santana have let her go if she'd told her that.
"I'm so sorry, Rachel," she whispered, placing a gentle hand on the brunette's forearm.
She just nodded in response, keeping her gaze on the ground. "It was the right thing to do," she said in a shaky voice. "Santana can't fall in love with me and I can't keep falling deeper and deeper in love with her when I know it'll never be returned."
"You were protecting yourself."
"Am I a bad person?" Rachel said quietly.
"Definitely not," Quinn replied immediately.
Rachel looked up at her with watery eyes and the blonde felt a rush of heartache for a girl that had become a good friend – much to her own surprise. A few months before, she would never have guessed that the Cheerios second-in-command (well, ex-second-in-command) would be asking her for relationship advice about her best friend.
"Are you gonna be okay?" Quinn asked quietly.
Rachel lifted a shoulder. "I'm just trying not to miss her, something that's proving to be very difficult. I'm a totally different person – a better person – all because I wanted to impress her. She's had a major impact on my life and trying to move past it is…fucking hard."
Quinn nodded sympathetically. She'd never been in love, but her best friend was all about love and emotions and romance, so she had a pretty good idea of what it was supposed to feel like.
"Rachel, do you…I mean…can you ever see Santana and Brittany together?"
The brunette sighed and lifted her gaze to meet Quinn's. "Honestly? That's entirely dependent on Brittany. She needs to accept who she is. She needs to realise that whatever happened between her and Santana stemmed from something more than just a physical urge or need. Or even curiosity for that matter."
"And what are the chances of that happening in this lifetime?" Quinn asked dryly.
Rachel cracked a small smile. "Stranger things have happened. And if I've learned anything, it's that the attention of one Santana Lopez can do strange things to you."
"But…what if the impossible does happen, Rachel? What if they do get together? Are you going to be able to handle that?"
The brunette sighed. "Right now, I'm just focusing on getting through today without my resolve crumbling. If or when it happens, I'll be ready. For now, I'm a heartbroken girl just trying to deal with the hurt."
Quinn bit her lip. "Rach, I want you to know that I'm here for you. I know you and Brittany have an unorthodox friendship, to say the least, and from what I've seen since you two joined glee club, you're not really the type to talk to each other about feelings and problems and things."
"You're not wrong there. But I think things may be getting better."
"Well, if and when, we'll cross that bridge. I am here if you need a friend, okay? Even if you want to just vent or cry or whatever."
Rachel sent her a grateful look. "Thank you, Quinn. That really means a lot."
"Anytime." She squeezed Rachel's arm before turning away and heading down the hall to her homeroom. It was going to be a very interesting second half of the year.
"Hey, Mr. Tanaka," Santana said to her Spanish teacher.
"Santana," he greeted in his usual gruff voice.
"I was wondering if there was any extra credit work for me to do. If I can get enough credits for this subject, I could take another language next year, maybe."
You just want to bury yourself in work. Work is safe. Work is comfortable. Work means you don't think about Rachel or Brittany or anything to do with the two of them.
She frowned to herself and focused her attention on her teacher, who was kind of useless because he could hardly speak intelligible Spanish. She could do a better job of teaching the class.
Well, it certainly would take up some of her time. Obviously she'd never be able to teach an actual class, but maybe she could do the next best thing.
"What about tutoring?" she blurted out before Mr. Tanaka could offer any comments on her initial request.
"Actually, I have a few students that are failing abysmally. Since you are practically fluent in the language-"
Actually completely fluent, you moron. A lot more than you profess to be.
"-perhaps you would consider tutoring them?"
Santana nodded. "Sounds good."
"Great. If you'd like, I have some extra credit comprehension reading and questions you could do. I'm pretty sure you won't need to take Spanish again next year anyway," Mr. Tanaka said with a smile.
Santana matched it, a small amount of relief washing over her.
"Stop by after school and I'll give you a list of the students that I think would benefit greatly from some tutoring. I'll talk to them about it by the end of the week and from next week you can approach them about setting up a schedule."
"Thank you so much, Mr. Tanaka. This is awesome."
The Spanish teacher just nodded and gave her a quizzical look. Before he could ask any further questions, Santana dashed out of the door, holding her books close to her chest as she walked towards the chem lab, head down.
Turning a corner, her shoulder clipped someone else's and the momentum pushed her against the wall, jarring her elbow in the process. She winced and tried to keep a hold onto her books.
A chorus of giggles made her look up. Three Cheerios were smirking at her.
"Something you sheep need some assistance with?" she asked bitingly.
A blonde one stepped forward. "You have absolutely no power anymore, Lupus. Your split from Rachel is all over the school so whatever reprieve you've been allowed, consider it officially over."
"Finite," a brunette added next to her.
Santana rolled her eyes. "You done? Think I could get to my class?"
The blonde – clearly suffering from a sense of false confidence – stepped right up to Santana and glared at her. The Latina held her ground and the glare.
"We're going to make your life hell," the cheerleader spat.
"Oh, you mean it's not that now?" Santana retorted. "Clearly you ladies haven't been doing a good enough job to squish us losers the, have you? Really, ladies, this has been absolutely riveting conversation, one of the highlights of my day – no, my week – but I hear the chem lab has just been painted and I'm absolutely dying to watch it dry."
Blondie's brows furrowed in confusion, which made Santana start to wonder about what the hell was in those stupid protein shakes that Coach Em made all the cheerleaders drink.
"I don't even get what Rachel ever saw in you," Blondie commented airily, flicking her high pony to one side.
Santana grit her teeth and stepped forward. "Someone who wasn't afraid to call her out on her bullshit. That's something that I'm happy to extend to all Cheerios. You wanna get started, Airhead Barbie?"
"You little bi-"
"Kayla!"
Oh, fuck.
Santana kept her eyes on Blondie as she turned her head to the right and her eyes widened.
"What's going on?" Brittany asked, stopping next to her.
"Just some stellar conversation between classes," Santana deadpanned. "You know, because we have so much to discuss."
Brittany's sharp eyes trained on her cheerleaders. "I would hope that you don't need reminders about how we treat students in this school," she said in a low, commanding voice.
Santana subtly took a breath and willed her mind not to think about how sexy it sounded. What the hell was wrong with her? Sure, Brittany Pierce was hot. Anyone with eyes could see that. But why, after everything, was she starting to think about her in that way?
Or in any way, for that matter?
While Brittany continued to chew her Cheerios out, Santana slipped away from the girls and continued to the chem lab, trying to forget about the head cheerleader. She was three doors away when she heard someone running after her.
"Santana!" she heard Brittany whisper-yell.
Just keep walking.
Brittany managed to catch up and grabbed her elbow. Santana jerked away, slamming into the wall again. She grimaced in pain as she hit the same elbow in the same place.
"You okay?" Brittany asked.
"Dandy," she muttered, not daring to look the blonde in the eye.
"Um, I'm sorry about those girls. They know to leave you alone."
At that, Santana did look up. "Excuse me?"
Brittany shrugged. "The Cheerios and jocks aren't allowed to slushie the glee club. I cleared it with Principal Schuester a few weeks ago."
"I…"
After Santana failed to come up with a response, there were a few moments of awkward silence.
"Um, I should get to class," Brittany mumbled, looking at her white shoes. "See you in Glee?"
Without waiting for a reply, she spun on her heel and walked away quickly, leaving Santana dumbfounded with the scent of Brittany surrounding her.
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, feeling her stomach clench before turning in the opposite direction and finally stepping into her chem lab.
She was late, but somehow didn't feel all that sorry about it.
Santana stared in disbelief at the list of names that Mr. Tanaka had given her. She wasn't so sure about her decision to offer her services to tutor his weakest students.
Second on the list was Brittany Pierce.
There was no way that she could tutor Brittany. There was just absolutely no way. Mr. Tanaka had stressed that the worst student was at the top and it went down from there. So Brittany was in pretty dire danger of failing Spanish.
Why does that bother me? Why does the thought of her not passing make me feel like a failure?
It didn't matter why she felt whatever the fuck she was feeling; what was important was that she forget about them. She couldn't tutor Brittany.
It. Would. Never. Happen.
"Hey, San," Quinn greeted her, leaning against the locker next to hers.
"Hi," Santana mumbled in return, her eyes still glued to the list. Well, one name in particular.
"What's that?"
"Nothing." Santana quickly stuffed it into her folder and packed it into her backpack.
"You sure about that? Your behaviour screams that it's definitely not nothing."
The Latina groaned internally. "Just a list of students that Tanaka wants me to tutor in Spanish."
"That's great," Quinn said with a smile. "Besides the fact that it'll look great on college applications, you'll do a much better job than that sad sack."
Santana rolled her eyes. "Not everything has to go on college applications, Q."
"It can't hurt."
"Whatever," she breathed, shouldering her backpack and slamming her locker closed.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Mad, yes. At you, no."
"Okay," Quinn replied quietly, following her best friend as she set a furious pace towards the choir room.
"Just…it's hard, okay? I'm angry and sad and confused and sometimes it's so hard to differentiate between them all."
"Okay," Quinn said again, but Santana could hear that she understood.
"I just need to get through this first week," Santana muttered.
"I have a dance competition on Saturday," Quinn said brightly. "Would you like a ticket?"
"Is Karofsky after Sam-I-Am's green eggs and ham?"
"Ew. What does that even mean?"
"My humour is so lost on the intellectually challenged. It means yes, Quinnie."
"Great!" The blonde was all smiles as they walked into the choir room.
Santana paused as the headed for their normal seats. Was Rachel going to move to the back row with Brittany again? Did their break up mean that everything had to change?
"San?"
Without saying anything, Santana walked to her usual seat and sat down abruptly.
"Why so grouchy, Santana?" Tina asked in a high voice.
Santana set her jaw and stared at the piano, wiling herself not to snap at her friends.
"Maybe she didn't get any this weekend," Mercedes chimed in.
"Guys, shut up," Quinn hissed before sitting down. She put an apologetic hand on Santana's arm, but the Latina shook it off.
"Good morning, Regionals winners!" Ms. S announced with a big smile as she walked into the choir room from her office.
Everyone except Santana cheered. Her attention had been stolen by Rachel walking into the choir room, followed by Brittany. Blue eyes met hers briefly, before they dropped to the ground. Rachel's deep and sorrowful brown eyes never left hers, though.
"S-Sorry we're late, Ms. S," she said quietly.
"That's quite all right, Rachel. Why don't you and Brittany take a seat before I announce this week's assignment?"
Santana wanted so badly to stop looking at Rachel, but it was like her body couldn't stop her eyes from following her ex to her old seat – the one in the back row next to Brittany.
"God, why do you look so forlorn? It's like you guys broke up or something," Tina said with a ridiculous laugh.
Santana felt a stab of pain hit her right in the middle of her chest. She became aware of the eerie silence in the room.
"Oh my God, no way!" Tina exclaimed.
"Oh, please. They're always up and down. It's just a matter of time before they're back to their usual lovey-dovey selves."
Santana couldn't take it anymore. She stood up abruptly, so much that her chair scraped on the floor. She grabbed her bag and ran out, blinking away the tears that were rapidly filling her eyes.
"God, I don't think there are two people in the world who have less tact than you!" Quinn snapped as soon as Santana had left the room. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What did we say?" Tina asked in complete oblivion.
Rachel stood up the same time as Quinn. Their eyes met. The blonde shook her head, but Rachel shot a pleading gaze. She wasn't sure why she was so adamant to go after Santana, especially considering how awkward things were between them.
"Rach?" Brittany asked curiously.
"I just…I need to go after her," she whispered back, jumping onto the bottom level and practically running out the door.
Where? Where? Where?
Biting her lip, Rachel followed her gut instinct and ran towards the auditorium. Breathing heavily, she descended the steps and sighed in relief when she saw Santana curled up in between the stage and the first row of chairs.
"You know, you're kinda predictable when you run away," she said quietly, taking small, slow steps towards her ex.
"R-Rachel, what are you doing here?" Santana whispered, hurriedly wiping her eyes and sniffing subtly.
Well, not that subtly. The shorter girl could see right through the tough girl façade Santana loved putting on. She sat down next to her, back against the stage.
"Did what they said really bother you that much?" she murmured.
Santana sighed heavily and leaned her head back, staring up at the spotlights hanging from the ceiling. "I guess it was yet another reminder that we're over. There isn't going to be a make up. There isn't going to be anymore lovey-dovey, as they so eloquently put it. It's really over, Rachel. And it fucking sucks."
"I know." Rachel sighed as well. "It's hard."
"Understatement of the year," Santana muttered. "Does this feel right to you? Does us being apart makes any sense? Because I'm struggling to find the logic of it all."
"Matters of the heart rarely make sense, San. You can't find logic where there is none."
"So us not being together is illogical. Explain to me why you broke up with me again?"
Rachel sympathised with the girl that had changed her life. "This is hard for me too, Santana. Don't for a second think that I don't miss you or that I wish I hadn't broken up with you."
The Latina let out a rueful chuckle. "Okay, so if you wish that you hadn't so much then why did you? Why aren't we brushing it off as a bad in-the-moment decision and just be together again."
Rachel lost herself for a few moments as Santana turned to look at her and their eyes locked, emotion swirling in her ex's deep, dark depths.
"It may feel pointless and illogical now, but if we got back together, it wouldn't erase the problems that caused us to break up in the first place."
"Oh, you mean your disillusion that Brittany and I are supposed to somehow magically stop hating each other and fall in love?"
"She doesn't hate you," Rachel said quietly, taking Santana's hand, "and you don't hate her. You need to stop pretending that nothing affects you, San. Your strength is one of your best qualities; it was something that drew me to you in the first place, but you don't have to be strong all the time."
"It has been my experience that wearing my heart on my sleeve simply means that people can tear chunks out of it," Santana replied dryly.
"San, please don't do this," Rachel pleaded, threading their fingers together. "I'm missing all the things that you are, I swear. But we did the right thing."
"You did the supposed right thing."
"I did it for us," Rachel continued, ignoring Santana's jibe. "You may be angry at me for a while, and that's okay. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. But you'll come to realise sooner rather than later that it was the right thing. God, San, I would give anything to kiss you, but that'll just lead us down a road of confusion and I don't want to start something that could ruin any hope of a friendship between us."
Santana snorted and shook her head. "Friends? Really, Rach? I know intimate things that any future girlfriend would not be happy with a friend knowing."
Rachel rolled her eyes. "How about you let me worry about my future relationships? Instead, just focus on you."
"I am," she muttered.
"That's good," Rachel encouraged. "You have so much to offer the world and when you do, I'm going to be able to tell everyone that we're friends."
She nudged her ex's shoulder and Santana sniffed a smile.
"You're completely insane, you know that?" the Latina mumbled. "Only insane people go after me not once, not twice, but three times and still stick around."
"I care about you," Rachel replied quietly. "While those feelings will never develop further in a romantic relationship, I'm sure they will in a friendship capacity."
Santana looked at her again and sighed. "This is gonna be hard for a while, isn't it?"
"Wanky," Rachel teased with a wink.
"Ew." Santana wrinkled her nose, but Rachel congratulated herself at the genuine smile that crossed her face.
"You would've said the exact same thing if the positions were reversed," she retorted good-naturedly.
Santana lifted a shoulder. "So, what? Do we just pull on our big girl pants and pretend that this doesn't suck ass?"
"San, you don't have to pretend. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to show that. I know that, for you, it's probably easier to climb Everest, but I don't want this to eat away at you. And it will. I know you."
"Asshole," she mumbled, but there was no malice behind it.
"You haven't called me that in a while," Rachel mused. "Does that mean we're making progress?"
Santana rolled her eyes. "Progress? Hardly. I'm just calling you what you are, which is an asshole because we had a good thing going and you pumped the brakes." Once again, she was just stating fact. She wasn't being mean.
"I would rather have stopped the train now before we derailed a few weeks or months down the track," Rachel replied. "And you can argue with me all you want, but we both know I'm right." She took a deep breath. "We can go around and around in circles over this, San, but the bottom line remains. We're not meant to be."
"Then why did it feel like we did?" Santana asked quietly.
"Because we wanted it to feel like that. And for a while, it was great. Really great. But then you got a taste of what it really felt like and things just weren't ever going to be the same after that."
"I just…Brittany and me will never happen. It can't. There's just way too much…fucking crazy there." Santana shook her head. "I don't know what you think you see between us, but it's not there."
"We'll see," Rachel replied with a knowing smile. It hurt like hell to admit that her ex-girlfriend, someone she had really pictured a future with, was better suited for her best friend, but she was no fool. Santana had burned her once and they'd managed to regain part of what they'd had, but it hadn't been the same. Santana really was grasping at straws if she truly thought that.
Of course, both her and Brittany were in huge denial about their feelings for each other so she wasn't planning on holding her breath for them to actually realise that they were meant to be. But she knew that her ex had a great capacity for love and that Brittany, once she accepted who she was, would be able to do wonders with that love.
"Come here," Rachel whispered, pulling Santana down to rest her head in her lap. "We can stay here for a little longer before we go back, okay?"
Santana nodded against her leg and gripped her hand even tighter.
It was going to be hard for the both of them, but they would get past it. Maybe they could even help each other move on.
Stranger things had happened.
Brittany picked at her thumbnail impatiently, her eyes glued to the choir room door. They'd been gone for a really long time.
What if they…?
No. She wouldn't. Rachel wouldn't. Right?
The last time Santana ran out and Rachel followed her, you found them making out.
But she broke up with Santana. And it had sounded like they weren't going to try and make a go of it a third time round.
Stranger things have happened. Like you sleeping with Santana. Twice.
She visibly winced.
"Um, I'm not sure if we'll be seeing Santana or Rachel again today, so I'll just tell you all my news now," Ms. S said, her brow creased in worry.
Quinn mumbled something about people's tact and Brittany's raised an eyebrow at Mercedes and Tina's regretful expression. After had Rachel had run out, Quinn had laid into the two girls without holding back. Brittany had been surprised that Ms. S hadn't stepped in. And hell, she'd be proud of some of the clever insults Quinn had dished out. She found herself wondering if it was Santana's influence or if they were both just lyrically brilliant.
Santana definitely has a talented tongue.
Brittany shut her eyes in embarrassment. The irritating inner voice had taken up permanent residence in her head. And it had no qualms about reminding Brittany every second of the day how much she wanted Santana.
She winced again. She couldn't have Santana. Even if she and Rachel were for reals broken up, she couldn't. Santana didn't even want to be with her. It was completely preposterous.
"As I was saying earlier, I couldn't be more proud of what you've accomplished this year already," Ms. S went on. "We completely dominated at both Sectionals and Regionals and that was due, in large part, to everyone's commitment to this club. In addition, our new members really gave us an edge that we hadn't even realised we'd been missing and, I think, have made us unstoppable. Brittany and Rachel, thank you for everything you've done for glee club."
Brittany was dumbfounded. She just stared at Ms. S, who was sending a genuine smile her way. The glee kids started clapping and cheering, leaving her even more confused. They were cheering her? The glee kids were cheering her? After she'd pretty much caused the most shit possible and made life unbearable for several of its members.
"What did we miss?" Rachel's voice penetrated the applause.
Brittany swallowed, her eyes immediately darting to Rachel and Santana's joined hands. The familiar ache in her chest worsened.
Well, that didn't last too long. Maybe they just had an off weekend.
"Ah, Rachel. Just in time. We were thanking Brittany and you, in your temporary absence, for everything you've done for this glee club. We're definitely a better group with you two in it."
Rachel grinned and walked towards her seat. She dropped Santana's hand and sent her a wink before they went to their respective seats.
"I have to say, I didn't expect to enjoy glee club as much as I have. I mean, you guys are all ridiculously talented so it's not even hard to be awesome along with all of you."
Everyone chuckled, but Brittany couldn't stop thinking about the wink and hand-holding. It'd be fine, right? She'd dealt with seeing them together for more than two months since the shit hit the fan. She could pretend for however long she needed to. She'd been pretending for who knew how fucking long anyway. Sometimes, she looked at herself in the mirror and couldn't fathom who the girl was in the reflective glass.
"Britt?" Rachel whispered, nudging her out of her reprieve.
"Hmm, what?" she asked.
Everyone was looking at her.
"Anything you'd like to say?" Rachel prompted.
"Oh, um, yeah. Thanks…and stuff. Yeah. It's fun." She shrugged and leaned back in her chair. In a group, when she was performing or dancing, she was happy to be in the spotlight, but not for something like a thank you. What the hell even was that?
"Okay, moving forward. Nationals this year are in Denver and the theme is emotion."
"Emotion?" Santana asked.
Brittany could detect a lot of dread in that single word. She could relate. Who the fuck wanted to sing about emotion? It was all so…complicated.
"Yes, emotion. That is all we've been given. No elaboration. So every second week, we are going to focus on finding the perfect emotional songs to sing at Nationals."
"Sounds like it's going to be one helluva depressing show," Lauren commented from the back row.
"Seconded," Santana mumbled.
"Well, that's the point of our fortnightly assignments," Ms. S replied. "Whether it be a duet, solo or group number, I want you to come up with a song that you think expresses true emotion. Now I need you to understand that it's not about the message of the song or the lyrics. Emotion, in my opinion, is how you sing the song. There are few singers that I've heard who evoke true emotion in the songs that they sing."
"Whitney Houston," Santana spoke up.
"Praise," Mercedes agreed.
"Britney Spears," Afroboy said with a grin.
"Say what?" Brittany asked with a raised eyebrow. "I'm right here, Afroboy."
She heard a snorted laugh from the front row, and immediately found herself in a brief locked gaze with the most amazingly dark eyes. They were almost black, but she knew they were a gorgeous chocolate brown. Blinking, she remembered where she was and broke their stare.
Get a fucking grip, Pierce.
"Celine Dion," Quinn offered.
"Absolutely," Ms. S agreed. "You guys have got your work cut out for you so get started. First performances will be on Wednesday."
"So we have to sing songs about emotion the week after I've broken up with my girlfriend," Rachel mused in a quiet. "Fan-fucking-tastic."
Brittany nodded to herself until Rachel's words sunk in. "Wait, broke up?"
Rachel looked at her incredulously. "Have you not listened to anything I told you today?"
"No, no, I did. I just thought…I mean, when you walked in just now, you…" she trailed off and shrugged. She didn't want to actually say the words. Saying them made them a lot more real and real things hurt like a bitch.
Rachel sighed. "No, we're not getting back together. It's hard because neither of us really want to be broken up, but it's for the best."
Brittany frowned. Rachel had been pretty vague about exactly why it was for the best that she and Santana broke up. No matter how she'd gently probed, the brunette had cleverly dodged giving her a straight answer.
Ha! Straight answer. How ironic.
"Do you have any ideas about what you want to sing? You wanna do a duet or something?" Brittany asked instead.
"No idea. I'll probably raid my dad's Broadway collection. There's bound to be something in there worthy of the emotional tag."
"Okay. Will you let me know if you need my help?"
Rachel nodded and smiled. "Thanks, Britt. This has been a crazy day and you've been really amazing. I'm really proud of this open person you've become. Even if it is just to me, it means a lot."
Brittany cracked a shy smile. "Thanks, Rach. Um, I have this thing on Saturday. It's no big deal, really."
"A competition?" Rachel asked.
She nodded.
"Someone's gotta be your personal cheerleader, or has that position been filled?" Rachel teased.
"No." Brittany shook her head to emphasise. "Seeing you in the crowd always made me feel less…"
"Alone?"
"Yeah. And more appreciated."
Rachel bit her lip. "Any progress on The Search?"
That was their codename for Brittany trying to find her sister. She knew that she had put very little effort into the endeavour and it was something that Rachel was adamant she needed to do.
"Um…" she faltered.
"Britt…"
"I know," she mumbled. "I just…it's fucking scary! What if she doesn't remember me?"
Rachel frowned. "You were eight, Britt, not a baby. Why wouldn't she remember you?"
"Because she never tried to find me!" Brittany hissed, finally voicing something that had been plaguing her mind for months.
"How do you know that?" Rachel asked gently.
"I…I mean…"
"Your parents left no trace, right? Dani could have tried to find you and not been able to. You'll never know unless you try."
Brittany swallowed. "I wouldn't even know where to start. If my parents ever found out, Rach, I don't even know what they'd do."
"Is that what's stopping you from doing anything?"
No. I'm stopping me. If I do find her and she's wonderful and amazing, I know I'm going to tell her about Santana and Rachel and the whole mess and that'll be the end of everything I've worked for. If she knows my secret, she'll tell me to confess to Santana how I feel about her. And I just can't. I can't.
"My parents and me," she admitted quietly.
"I can't imagine the confusion this must be causing you, Britt, but if you need a sounding board or someone to just bounce ideas off of, I'm here. That's what friends are for, right?"
Brittany smiled. "That's what I've been told."
"Good to know you've been getting the memos I've left in your mailbox every day," Rachel said with a chuckle.
Brittany laughed with her and revelled in how amazing it felt to laugh with her best friend once more. It was almost enough to distract her from Santana's stern face.
Santana popped some more candy into her mouth and hummed the tune to Shake It Out as she played Candy Crush on her phone. Since she, Mercedes and Tina (who had agreed to sing with her as an apology for acting like total jackasses) had performed it for the first Emotion week in glee club on Thursday, she hadn't been able to stop singing it or humming it.
She wasn't shy to admit that she'd played it safe. Unlike Rachel, who had belted out Because You Loved Me, bringing the whole choir room to tears. Thankfully, she hadn't looked at Santana during the song because that would have just killed her. The week had been torture. She hated not being able to do the simple things that she'd gotten so used to and now felt like she'd taken for granted. Hand-holding, stealing kisses between classes, watching her practise and perving over her sexy ass every time her spanks would show – which was often. She missed cuddling together and watching movies, forgoing most of them to make out instead. She missed doing homework together. She missed singing in glee club together. Sure, they were kinda still able to do that, but it wasn't nearly the same.
She sighed and glanced up. The curtain was still down. She was at Quinn's dance competition. They'd finished the group numbers for the twelve to fourteen age group and were headed into Quinn's group, but that had been a good fifteen minutes ago. She was excited to see what her best friend had to offer. Every single competition that Santana had been to (which, hello, was all of them), Quinn had always found something new and different to wow the judges with. There was no doubting that Quinn had talent. It was a pity that she didn't have the passion to go with that talent. They often watched Centre Stage together and Quinn likened herself to the character of Maureen. She wanted to build a career out of something she loved, not just something she happened to do well.
It had got Santana thinking about her decision not to go into medicine. Political science had really intrigued her. Brittany may have been onto something.
Ah, Brittany.
Since their awkward encounter on Monday, they two had barely glanced at each other, much less exchanged words. Santana was absolutely fine with their lack of communication. Besides the obvious Rachel/Brittany/Santana triangle that had somehow become a thing, she didn't want to think about the following week where she was meeting the students she was tutoring for the first time. Mr. Tanaka had briefed everyone on the list, including Brittany, but hadn't mentioned who the tutor was going to be – at Santana's request. She had a feeling that Brittany would show up to their meeting during on Monday, but she was pretty certain that it wouldn't last long.
Groaning inwardly, Santana rubbed her temple, mentally warding off the oncoming headache she could feel brewing. Thinking about Brittany seemed to bring on splitting headaches that she struggled to get rid of. She'd had one every day that week. It was exhausting.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we appreciate your patience. The spill on the stage has been cleared and we will continue with the competition shortly."
Ah, that explains it.
"To start, we have our young ladies in the age group fourteen to eighteen. We'll start with the solo dances and move onto the group dances thereafter."
It's like he thinks we're idiots, Santana mused. The announcer guy had repeated the same process at the beginning of each category and age group. But she knew that people often only came to watch their person and then left. It was kind of insulting, in her opinion.
"For the first time, we have one of our advanced group dancing a solo. They do primarily group pieces so this is a real treat. Please welcome Brittany Pierce."
Santana had just swallowed the candy in her mouth and choked as she heard the name that plagued her every day and every night echo around the auditorium.
The curtains flew open and there she stood, looking completely serene. Santana's eyes widened when she saw that Brittany was wearing the same dress as she did the day they…
The day you fucked her behind your garage.
She suddenly felt incredibly hot. The introduction to Just The Way You Are started and Santana forced her eyes closed. She couldn't watch it again, not after what it had led to the first time. Unfortunately, once the chorus hit, her eyes flew open just in time to see Brittany do the most graceful no-hands cartwheel that she had ever seen – and she knew how to do a damn no-hands cartwheel.
The blonde on stage had everybody captivated. Santana didn't need to look around the room to know that. She knew it because she was easily the most captivated and she had every reason to shut her eyes again. But she couldn't. Brittany was just too good. Every hump, every twirl, every landing was as graceful as a feather floating in a soft breeze. She hated how she found herself amazed at the many intricate positions the blonde could manoeuvre her body into.
Who knew she was so flexible?
Santana swallowed at the graphic images her mind conjured up and played like a movie reel in her head. It was a bad idea. A bad, bad, bad idea. But she was amazing. Quinn was good, but Brittany was a thousand times better. She felt guilty for thinking it, but a blind person would make the same judgement.
She's lost the battle that her head had been raging the whole week and her eyes devoured every movement Brittany made. She followed the arch of her back and the thrust of her chest. She stared at the blonde's legs as each one moved in precise steps. The slit in the dress (that she was very familiar with) allowed flashes of creamy thighs to draw her in and hold her captive. She couldn't tear her eyes away if a nuclear war was imploding the world behind her.
She could only see Brittany.
Rachel sighed from the back of the auditorium as her eyes flitted between Brittany on the stage, totally owning it, and Santana, who sat in the crowd completely captivated. She wasn't blind. There was proof right there that she'd made the right decision in breaking up with Santana. It didn't make it any easier to stomach seeing her ex basically devouring her best friend with her eyes.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe being selfless is actually going to be a lot more painful than I expected.
She wished she didn't know the exact expression on Santana's face as she watched Brittany dance. She'd seen that hungry look many times when she'd undressed for her before they engaged in the best kind of dancing.
She sighed again. The confirmation hurt. It really fucking hurt. She hadn't prepared for that when she'd agreed to watch Britt dance in the competition. She didn't even know that Santana would be there. Why was she even there?
Her eyes drifted off her ex and to her best friend, who was giving the performance of her life. She'd never seen Brittany put so much power, energy and effort into one dance. She'd been to most of her competition because her parents hadn't really deemed it necessary that they support their daughter, so she'd seen a lot of performances.
Nothing like what Brittany was putting out there at that moment.
It was completely raw and vulnerable. Rachel was glad that her best friend was able to lower her guards around someone other than her. Sure, it was in the form of a dance, but vulnerability was a taboo subject for someone like Brittany; someone who had spent a lifetime building up walls to keep people from getting close.
Even Rachel.
Over the last few months, it had become painfully obvious to the brunette that she really had no idea who her best friend really was. The carefree girl that had made brief appearances was by far her favourite version of Brittany. She just hoped that she'd see it the same way and embrace life in more of a carefree way. Maybe then she'd summon the courage to start The Search.
Rachel was brought out of her thoughts by thunderous applause. She smiled at Brittany's slight blush at the response to her incredible performance. She glanced at Santana, who was sitting in her seat, eyes closed and rubbing her face, shaking her head slightly.
Interesting. Disbelief is a very rare look on Santana.
She wondered what Santana was convincing herself of. Or not convincing herself of.
Focusing back on the stage, Brittany caught her eye and waved slightly. Rachel grinned at how cutely shy her best friend was acting. A far cry from fearsome Head Cheerio Brittany Pierce.
Brittany bowed a few times before skipping off the stage and out of sight. It was Rachel's cue to head outside and find somewhere quiet where she could possibly sort out her conflicted thoughts. She turned and walked out of the double doors at the back and almost ran into someone walking past.
"Shit, I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed, gripping the person's arms to steady them.
"You make a habit of knocking people over?" a familiar voice teased.
"Quinn! What are you doing here?"
The blonde stepped back and indicated her outfit.
"I didn't realise you and Brittany danced at the same studio."
Quinn lifted a shoulder. "We rarely see each other. She's in the more advanced classes and doesn't really do ballet much anymore. She's more into hip hop."
Rachel rolled her eyes. "She does like pretending that she's more ghetto than she can only dream she'll be."
Quinn chuckled.
"Wait, aren't you like, supposed to be backstage or something?"
"Yeah, I just came to get some water from the café. I forgot to bring some."
"Why didn't you ask Santana?"
"Oh, you saw her?" Quinn asked sheepishly.
"She's kind of like a magnet in any room for me," Rachel admitted with a sigh. "It's going to take me a while to neutralise the magnetism."
Quinn bit her lip. "I do have to go, but…are you okay, Rachel?"
"If I told you yes, would you believe me?"
"No."
"Then no, I'm not okay."
"Um, okay. Crap, I hate that I have to leave you like this."
Rachel smiled gratefully. "Quinn, you're a really great friend. Really. I'm lucky that you find me worthy to listen to."
"I will always listen to anything you have to say, Rachel," Quinn said quietly, taking her hand and squeezing it. "And if you need to talk or anything, you know I'm just a phone call away."
Rachel nodded. "Thanks, Quinn. Santana has a true gem in you."
Quinn chuckled. "You should tell her that."
"I might just. Break a leg, Quinn. I know you'll do great."
The blonde blushed. "Thanks, Rachel. I do have to go, but thank you. And sorry for almost bowling you over."
"I thought I almost bowled you over?" she teased, grinning.
Quinn chuckled and fluttered her fingers in a wave goodbye. Rachel watched her jog backstage before turning around and walking back into the auditorium.
Big girl pants.
A/N: Hope you all enjoyed :) Progress is being made, slowly but surely ;)
Keep reading and reviewing Brittana fanfiction! Authors are writing again and it's awesome! So go out there and read it! :)
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