In These Empty Eyes
Chapter 1
Pain…
There was pain…
It was… somewhere deep inside…
Agony…
Throughout his being…
He was in pain…
But the pain, it felt dulled somehow.
It was like an agonizing ache that had seeped into his bones.
Wake up darling…
Noises…
Voices… all around him…
Loud…
A murmuring cacophony that was too loud…
Far too loud…
And yet to quiet to…
It hurts
Why does it hurt so much…
understand…
Pain…
Wordless voices…
He stopped trying to listen.
To comprehend.
He was just…
…drifting.
Everywhere and nowhere…
He was himself once more.
At least, a part of himself.
That he understood.
Hurry up '
Ł - ø ~; ' We're almost there!...
The burning ache within his bones, the molten agony flooding his core.
That he understood as well.
Pain…
He was cocooned in pain and unceasing suffering.
It hurt…
Swathed like an infant in unfeeling numbness…
He felt like he was floating…
He was…
I can't!
You're too fast! .
He was.
Past the fiery burn of his unnamable agony.
Like peeling flesh and slicing and dicing
Agony…
Cut and carve
Tear
All consuming…
Rip
Suffering…
He was
Of course I am,
I'm your big brother!...
It hurt!
He was Loki.
He woke up.
Suddenly jerking back into awareness as if revived from the dead. His eyes snapping open as his heart pounded rapidly, a high shrieking noise piercing the air. Seeming to drill into his skull.
The dull pain seeping through him had become a tidal wave of sharp burning agony stabbing at his every limb. His hand spasmed, twitching oddly.
Loki looked around quickly, taking in his surroundings. He was bombarded with the bright light illuminating everything. It was all white. Clean. The room was filled with strange polished surfaces and complicated machinery. There were thin tubes piercing through the revolting blue skin of his forearms.
Patches of a strange gelled mesh wrapped around his wounds.
Cutting…
Ripping, tearing,
Pain!
Pain!
Pain!
He jolted upwards, frantically clawing at the wrapping over his injuries. Sharp claws tore through both bandages and flesh alike, causing deep violet blood to ooze out of the lacerations.
Loki lurched off of the plain platform he was laying on, ignoring the pain stabbing through his body. Collapsing onto the floor he whipped his head around, his eyes darting around the room in a panicked frenzy.
His mind felt cloudy and the shrill screeching noise coming from one of the ridged discs by the platform was piercing his eardrums.
They could hear it!
The thought pierced through his hazy awareness.
No, no, no, if the things from before could hear it they would come!
The creatures!
The creatures were coming!
He couldn't let them…
They would hurt him again!
Cut and saw and rip and shred…
No, no, no, no…
Dragging himself over to the source of the sound Loki reached up with a shaking, bloody hand, fumbling to turn it off somehow. Stabbing pains ran through his twitching fingers as his unsteady hand bumped into a raised edge.
He could hear the dull thud of numerous footsteps approaching…
No, no, no… the creatures, the monsters, were almost there!
Mumbling to himself Loki tried to push his body up on one wobbly arm but he slipped and went crashing back to the ground, head smacking against the floor. His vision blurred briefly, swimming before his eyes.
There was a ringing in his ears and he could see blood pooling under him. Molted fleshy hands grabbed at him, they were there. It was those things from before.
Loki thrashed in their grip and let out a panicked, wordless shriek. One of uniformed creatures yanked his head to the side and jammed something small and sharp into the side of his neck.
Trying still to squirm away he began to scream out weakly, "No, no, no, no!"
No, no… No…
no…
His head was spinning and black spots appeared in his vision. Loki could numbly feel hands on his body before everything went dark.
When Loki next awoke he was back in his room, alone, lying on his hard mat. Hauling his body into a sitting position Loki leaned against the wall, wincing, before examining himself.
The odd bandages from when he last was awake were gone. In their place was some sort of dark, translucent medical tape wound around the worst lacerations. The blue flesh surrounding his injuries was numb. Loki didn't know what had been done to him. He didn't think he wanted to know.
His nails were different though. In their place were short metallic dark violet claws, coming to a sharp point. A feeling of disgust welled up in his stomach. These claws belonged on an animal, not- not on him…
Although, Loki supposed, maybe they did belong on a monster. And he definitely looked like one with his revolting blue skin and bloody red eyes, along with his strange markings running along his body.
But… he didn't want to be a monster…
Except he didn't know how he could fix himself. Tear away the revolting blue flesh to reveal something proper underneath. Free himself from this hideous animal he saw in his reflection. He wished he could just do that.
But he couldn't.
He was trapped in a savage, monstrous body. He wasn't even completely himself any more. He was just a weapon. A monstrous, clawed beast. Modified. He could never…
Never…
No.
No, no, no!
He could breathe.
He couldn't breathe!
Loki clutched at his clothes over his heart, gasping for air. He squeezed his eyes shut, trembling, as he desperately tried to breathe.
His heart thudded in his ribcage violently as if it were trying to break loose. He dug his monstrous claws into his chest, nearly breaking the skin.
He felt lightheaded and the room seemed to spin. His fingertips felt numb.
This wasn't his choice.
It wasn't his choice!
But no, monsters didn't get a choice. He didn't get a choice. Not Loki. Not about the modifications. About the claws, about what he was.
No, no, no!
He felt as if he were dying. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do it!
He could hear his heart pounding like a drum. Thrumming in his eardrums.
Couldn't think. Couldn't breathe. Dying. He felt like he was dying.
Dying!
He was dying!
Loki dragged his knees up to his chest, curling into a ball.
Gasping for air.
His head was still spinning; his breathes coming in harsh wheezing gasps.
Loki sat there like that for a long while. Curled up in a small ball, clutching at his chest, desperately trying to breathe.
He wasn't sure how long he sat panicking but slowly he began to unfurl. The crinkling of the strange fabric his current clothes were made of was a good distraction. It was like tissue, rubbing against him. With his heart still frantically pounding in his chest as he tried to calm down, Loki turned his attention to his new clothes. Trying to focus on something other than his panic.
He was dressed in light, loose clothing. Loki assumed the pale, thin material was probably disposable. It felt itchy against his skin and he wanted to peel it off. He only wished his sickening blue flesh was as easy to remove. Loki's stomach turned as his thoughts turned back to his skin. The painfully obvious reminder of what he was. A monster.
Just then there was a soft mechanical sliding sound. Startled, he quickly glanced up to meet a pair of dark eyes.
Gamora's head tilted to the side, "I see you're up."
Loki remained silent, staring up at his sister with wide eyes. A slight tremble went through his frame as his hand twitched slightly. He hated how weak he knew he looked in that moment.
Gamora took a few steps forward in his small room and Loki tensed, watching her warily. Noticing his alarm she stopped, halting a few feet away from him. She examined him carefully, studying him silently with her dark eyes. The moment stretched on forever.
At long last Gamora set down the bundle she had been carrying under her arm. It was then Loki realized it was his armor. Only, it had been altered. Upgraded. Just like him. It was sleeker and not as bulky as it had been previously. Its design was obviously focused more on speed and agility; although, it was not as protective as it had originally been.
Set on top of the bundle was a nutrient cube. Gamora picked it up and held it out towards him, only saying, "I got you something."
There was a beat of silence as Loki contemplated the offer, eyes darting from his sister to the small orange cube and back again. After a long while Loki hesitantly stretched out his horribly blue hand and carefully grabbed it from her.
Just in case she were to suddenly change her mind and take it back, Loki quickly unwrapped it and shoved the small nutrient cube into his mouth. It was gritty and tasteless as usual. The only things Loki had ever eaten in Sanctuary were these cubes. They were small, bland and packed full of enough nutrients to keep someone alive.
As she watched him the corners of Gamora's mouth twitched upwards slightly into a barely noticeable smile as she asked, "Mind if I sit down?"
Swallowing, Loki glanced down at his bed and back up at his sister before edging over to the side. Taking that as permission Gamora strode forwards and sat down next to him on the thin mat. Wasting no time she got straight to the point, "So you've got your first modifications."
Without responding Loki just shifted slightly and fidgeted with the medical tape covering one of his wounds. His silence didn't seem to bother Gamora as she kept speaking, "It's always he first ones that are the worst. It becomes easier the more of them you get."
Loki's hands balled into fists anxiously, his new claws digging into his skin. Pinpricks of violet blood welled up where his claws pierced his palms.
Were there going to be more? More modifications? Would there be more- more of the pain and agony of being torn apart?
Being disassembled on the whims of others?
No!
No, no, no!
In an instant Gamora's hand whipped out and grabbed his wrists, making him jolt in alarm, hands uncurling in surprise.
Looking into Loki's eyes she simply said, "Don't."
After that short statement Gamora released his wrists, turning away to stare at the closed door.
Sighing softly his sister continued to speak, "I know it hurt. These modifications, they felt like a violation. Someone cut you open and changed you, twisted you, so that you could be a better weapon."
Loki made a surprised noise, staring at Gamora. He was startled at how well she… understood. He wasn't sure why he felt so surprised as he'd know that all his brothers and sisters had been modified in a myriad of ways. But somehow Gamora seemed different. She wasn't like the rest of his siblings. Loki knew that didn't make sense but for some reason her understanding still felt so… unexpected.
Gamora sardonically raised an eyebrow stating, "You don't have to look so surprised. I have received numerous modifications, as have all Children of Thanos."
Looking away in embarrassment Loki instead focused on the floor, a purple flush creeping over the ugly blue of his cheeks.
The painfully uncomfortable silence returned. Loki glanced around awkwardly, unsure of what to do. He wanted to say something but it felt wrong somehow to break the oppressive silence enveloping the small room. It was suffocating.
Thankfully after a few more tense moments his sister continued talking, "Your armour has been altered."
Loki looked over at his armour where it was lying on the floor, quietly grateful for the change in subject.
"It's been decided that you're going to be getting some more experience, outside of Sanctuary."
Loki's eyes lit up as he heard his sister's statement. He was going be sent on assignments too, just like the rest of his siblings were. For the first time in ages Loki actually felt… excited. He was actually being given the chance to prove his worth to his father.
At his reaction Gamora looked somewhat… disappointed. It was only for a brief moment, flitting across her features before melting into a blank façade, but it made a sense of guilt pool up in Loki's stomach. He wasn't sure why but he almost felt ashamed.
Gamora looked him over for a moment, calculating, before saying, "You remind me of Nebula sometimes."
He reeled back in shock. "Nebula?" Loki asked hoarsely, scrunching up his nose in distaste. He was nothing like his sister Nebula. His indignation must have shown on his face as Gamora looked amused.
"Yes, Nebula. Both of you want to prove yourselves so badly. You're both extremely determined, persistent. And both of you," At this Gamora shot him a pointed look, "make things far more complicated than they need to be."
Loki let out a huff, mumbling, "I do not…"
Gamora just shook her head. Picking herself up off of Loki's bed she nudged his armour with her boot. Glancing down at him she said, "You'd better get dressed. You have get back to training immediately."
"Alright. I'll... see you in the training room then?" Loki asked, dragging himself up off the mat.
The edge of Gamora's mouth quirked up as she turned and strolled towards the door.
As it quietly slid shut behind her Loki stood in the middle of his room for a short moment, swaying slightly, before moving to get dressed. As he awkwardly tugged on his newly adjusted armour over his wrapped wounds he couldn't get his mind off of the thought of leaving Sanctuary.
He wanted to. He wanted to see what was out there, to fulfill his purpose. But at the same time… he was scared. He didn't know anything about life outside Sanctuary. He didn't know what was out there. It could be anything…
But he had to know. It felt like there was something missing. Loki would lie awake at night, longing for something. He had to find out what it was.
And for that, Loki needed to prove that he was ready to go on assignments. He needed to be the best weapon possible for his father. Whatever it was he was looking for he knew he had to find it.
Loki took a deep breath and adjusted his armour slightly before walking out the door. Stumbling off as it slid shut softly behind him.
Loki leapt out of the way of Gamora's sword, clashing his own against it. He was panting and his muscles were aching. Loki felt like collapsing onto the hard stone floor but he refused to give in. It hadn't been long since he had been told that he might be able to go on an assignment outside of Sanctuary and if that were to happen he needed to be his best.
Gamora pushed forwards, trying to corner him in the otherwise empty room. Loki didn't know where the rest of his siblings were and didn't particularly care. He knew Gamora was locking him into a corner of the room and he wracked his mind for a solution. Quickly examining his surroundings Loki darted to the side and slashed at his sister's legs, hoping to force her to take a step back.
Unfortunately Gamora stood her ground and blocked his strike with her sword, using it to shove Loki back another step.
He slipped a small dagger into his hand while stabbing his sword at Gamora's stomach, expecting her to block it. The moment she did Loki went to stab her in the side.
He saw the glint of recognition in her eye before she released her sword, dropping to the ground and kicked his legs out from under him. As he collapsed to the ground Gamora grabbed her falling sword and made a swipe at his chest.
Loki kicked her sword from her hand, using his sédir to teleport a short distance away. The moment he did a green fist went flying at his head forcing him to teleport away again to avoid the impact.
Appearing a short distance away Loki just noticed Gamora grab her sword once more and leap towards him. Thinking fast Loki teleported again and created a handful of illusory copies of himself. Gamora glanced around at them with a calculating gaze.
She lunged forwards, slashing through one of them with her sword, causing it to dispel. Whipping around Gamora began cutting through the copies ruthlessly. Her distraction with his copies gave him a moment to come up with some sort of plan. Loki wracked his brain for an idea.
He was tired and in this fight most of his abilities were useless. His talents in things such as sédir and manipulation would not be useful in this fight against Gamora. He was too tired to preform most of the useful spells he knew and Loki did not want to use his ice against her. The memory of Nebula's warped, frozen arm flashed in his mind. The thought of that being Gamora's arm made him feel sick. He could feel his stomach churn. His ice was a savage and monstrous curse that only caused harm to everyone around him. But Loki knew he didn't have time to think about this at the moment. Shoving down the fear and revulsion that filled him at the mere thought of his monstrous ability Loki did his best to focus on what would be beneficial in winning this fight.
His modifications were of no use in his current situation. Loki had only just gotten his first modifications so they were merely the basics. Focused on enhancing things such as his senses, speed, strength, and durability.
These sorts of modifications were always the first ones, or so Gamora had told him. He needed to become accustomed to them before he could receive further modification apparently. But seeing as Gamora had them as well, along with other modifications, they were no advantage to Loki in this fight.
He shoved away the memories of being upgraded, trying not to remember.
Slicing…
Ripping him open…
Cutting… Pain!
Everything hurt…
Sharp, hot agony… Tearing…
Pain!
Pain…
No. He could not think of that. He refused to. Ripping his thoughts away from the memory he focused once more on the present. Focused on the fight.
Loki knew Gamora would probably see though most of his strategies so he needed to be unpredictable. He needed to throw her off balance.
When she stabbed the final illusion Gamora turned and locked eyes with him, twirling the blade in her grip. As she darted towards him Loki stood still. Closer. Closer.
Looking the slightest bit confused at his immobility Gamora made to slash him in the chest with her sword. As it cut through the air towards him Loki didn't move. Just before the sharp blade made contact Loki's arm shot up and pierced the sword with his claws. Twisting his wrist sharply he tore the weapon from her grip, making it fly across the room to land with a clatter a short distance away.
Both Loki and Gamora paused for half a second, staring at the sword. Gamora looked away first, sending a punch towards Loki's head. He blocked it with his arm, making to strike her with his sword before Gamora kicked his blade from his grasp, sending it flying opposite of where the other sword lay on the floor.
With the pair of them now disarmed Gamora grabbed Loki's wrist and before he could do anything, twisted it back and kicked him in the chest making him collapse onto the stone floor.
As Gamora went for another punch Loki slashed up at her with his claws, making a series of thin cuts in her arm. A small amount of deep green blood welled up from the cuts.
Just as Gamora raised her boot, probably to smash his face in, the nearby door slid open to reveal Nebula with a scowl on her face.
"We're being sent an assignment to Sathorix." She spat at Loki venomously.
Still lying on the floor Loki blinked in surprise, only replying with an ineloquent, "What?"
Glaring at him Nebula snarled, "You heard me. Hurry up!" And at that his sister stomped out of the room.
Scrambling to get to his feet Loki glanced at Gamora with wide eyes but his sister's expression was unreadable. Eyes flicking to the door she murmured, "Good luck."
Hesitating briefly he took that as his queue to get moving and Loki began sprinting towards the door, glancing back over his shoulder. Gamora stood stiffly in the middle of the otherwise empty room, staring at him as he left.
Loki quickly caught up to Nebula and trailed behind her quietly, neither one of them making conversation.
A conflicting mass of emotions swirled inside of him. He was thrilled of course, to finally be leaving Sanctuary for the first time. To be going on his first assignment. But at the same he was apprehensive. He'd always hoped silently that on his first assignment he would be paired with Gamora. He frowned. Instead he'd had the bad luck to be paired with Nebula.
The pair made their way through the winding labyrinth of identical corridors without speaking. Eventually they reached a large set of thick metal doors that slid open to reveal a large hangar filled with rows of various types of ships. Imprinted on the far wall were a couple of strange harsh letters accompanied by a dash and a series of numbers. Following his sister, Loki glanced around, wide eyed, trying to take in as much as possible.
Strolling down to the end of the large room they soon came upon a small ship with the unnatural soldiers milling around it, making strange clicking sounds. The sight of the armored creatures still filled Loki with unease. He was fairly certain he would never get use to them.
At Nebula's approach they scattered, going off to work on the other ships. Walking aboard the ship their boots clicked on the metal floor of the vessel. Once they entered the cockpit Nebula immediately sat down in the pilots chair and flipped the switch to close the ships door.
Loki tentatively sat in the co-pilots seat just as Nebula turned to look at him sharply, saying, "Alright, listen up! I don't need you for this assignment. And I don't want to have to drag you along and babysit you. You'd better look after yourself and do what I tell you. If this mission fails it's on you. So don't mess it up. Got it?"
Indignant, Loki protested, "I'm not going to ruin it! And I don't need you to look after me!"
Giving a sarcastic snort Nebula sarcastically replied, "Yeah. I'm sure you won't."
Loki scowled silently, glaring at his sister as she prepared to take off. He reached out an ugly blue hand towards the controls to assist her but she slapped his hand away, snapping at him, "Don't touch anything!"
"I was trying to be of assistance! What do you want from me!" Loki argued.
"For you not to get in my way!" Nebula shot back, irritation evident in her tone.
Huffing, Loki turned to look out the window, watching as the ship took off, leaving behind the large hangar. If his sister didn't want his help then she could pilot them to Sathorix herself. A long moment passed in silence, the only noises being the ships low hum and Nebula's administrations on the controls. Curious despite himself Loki asked his sister, "So what will we be doing?"
Growling in frustration she snarled, "Does it matter?"
"I don't know, does it?" Loki snapped back at her. For a second he was sure Nebula was going to punch him and he tensed.
His sister took a deep breath and glared at him with her cold black eyes, growling for him to, "Just look at the details of our assignment then. The information's right here," She held up a small black chip, "so read it and shut up!"
Sending a glare back at Nebula he snatched the chip from her hand and turned away, sliding it open and activating it. Settling his aching body into the chair Loki began to look through the details of his first assignment. Desperately trying to not focus on the empty depths of space just outside the window and the sick pit of terror that had hardened in his stomach.
Falling
Fear
Alone
So alone
Falling past the stars
Into the unkown
Panic
No, no, no…!
Falling
Falling
Falling…
Faves and reviews are always appreciated~
An, some of the writing style of this chapter didn't work well with so if you want to see what I intended it to be like then go check out my posting of this fic on Archive of Our Own by Transparent_Reminder!