There were three things that Loki had learned in Sanctuary that he knew to be the absolute truth.
Number one.
He, alongside his siblings, existed to serve their father.
They were tools.
Extensions of his will.
They lived to serve and to assist their father in rebalancing the universe.
While it was unfortunate, some may need to be eradicated in this quest for balance, for peace.
This was Loki's purpose.
The Children of Thanos's purpose.
They were to clear the way for their father. For balancing the universe.
This was what Loki reminded himself as he crept through the barren halls of the senator's home, dagger in hand.
Number two.
No one could be trusted.
He would always be alone; he could rely on no one else.
This was why Loki found himself slipping through the shadows by himself as he moved towards the large doors ahead of him.
Nebula had slipped away during a momentary lapse in concentration.
Abandoning him to assassinate the man in the other room alone.
He was alone.
Just like before.
In the-
No.
That didn't happen.
Fractured memories of falling, of biting cold and dim stars flashed though his mind.
Cold. Silent.
Alone.
No, no, no.
He shoved the memories down, trying to tell himself that it wasn't true. That it had never happened.
He knew it was a lie.
But he didn't want to think.
He just needed to take care of the man in the other room.
Before Nebula got to him.
He couldn't afford to fail.
Lest he wish for something as sweet as pain like the Other was so fond of telling him.
Just from thinking those words Loki could almost hear the strange hissing voice in his ear and the hot breath on his wretched blue skin. Whispering. Standing far too close for comfort.
There was faint music playing.
The muffled melody drifted out from the other side of the doors Loki now stood in front of.
He needed to be fast.
Unrelenting.
The doors were silent as they opened.
Stepping into the elegantly decorated room Loki remembered the final lesson.
Number three.
Weakness was unacceptable.
It only led to suffering.
Loki knew suffering well.
The senator would die by Loki's hand.
It was him or Loki.
He would do what he must to survive.
As Loki walked in the man inside the office turned around.
Loki knew him.
Bright blue eyes widened.
Blond hair.
A bright smile; shining like the sun.
Red.
He-
No.
He was wrong.
His eyes were too dark.
His blond hair was too light.
The man's hair was too long, his face too round.
He was too chubby, too short.
The man in front of him was not smiling.
He was backing away, alarmed.
His deep red robe swishing as he moved.
"You-"
"Who-?"
They spoke simultaneously.
Both broke off into a tense silence.
The blond man spoke first.
"Who are you? What do you want?"
Loki said nothing, staring intently at the man.
He knew him.
But he didn't.
The man was wrong.
"Well? What do you want? Why are you here?"
There was panic in the senator's eyes now, in his too dark eyes.
Loki edged towards him.
The senator's back bumped into the wall. He was unable to back away any further.
Studying the man's face Loki murmured, "I… know you…?"
No. That statement felt wrong.
He… didn't know this man but… he did?
"What?"
Maybe… someone like him?
Someone important…
"What are talking about? I've never met you in my life!"
The man seemed less panicked and more confused now, although an edge of wariness remained.
Who…?
Blue eyes flicked from Loki to a desk drawer.
Monstrous red eyes narrowed.
Loki stalked forward with a frown, holding a dagger to the senator's throat.
"Wait! Wait! Whatever you want! I'll give you anything you want, please, just don't hurt me! Please!"
Loki hesitated.
"Please!" The blond man repeated, "This is madness!"
Red eyes widened.
"Loki, this is madness!"
A crystalline bridge of rainbow light
Shattering
An old man with golden armour
"No Loki."
Falling
Falling
Shards of the bridge swirling around him
Cutting
Slicing into him
Two distantly familiar faces
Shock, horror, and grief staring down at him
"Loki, no!"
"Brother!"
Loki's mouth dropped open.
Brother.
He had a brother.
The large blond man with the striking blue eyes and the red cape in his fuzzy memory; that was his brother.
Questions flitted though his mind frantically.
Where was his brother?
Who was his brother? What was his name?
Did he have any other family?
His head hurt.
Where were they from?
Where was he from?
Loki took a stunned half step backwards, lowering his dagger.
Why did he look nothing like his brother?
Relieved, deep blue eyes stared into his as he backed away.
Why didn't he know the answers to these questions?
He couldn't look away from those too dark eyes.
…What had happened to his memories?
He couldn't look away from those dark blue eyes, even when the blaster shot pierced the flesh between them.
There was a flash of red.
And then a blond man collapsing to the floor; shock in those cold, dead, blue eyes.
No.
No! No! NO!
He-
"Thor!"
The man, not-Thor, hit the ground with a dull thud.
The dark red robe pooled around the man as if it were a puddle of blood as Loki screamed.
He dropped to the floor next to the dead senator in a panic.
Distantly he heard Nebula leap down to the floor gracefully but couldn't bring himself to care.
His heart pounded in his chest.
His breaths were coming far too quickly.
His red eyes were fixated on the open, glassy blue ones.
The quiet music still drifted through the air.
Loki felt as if he were being torn in two as he followed his sister back to the ship.
He was both calm and frantic.
He felt everything and nothing.
He felt like he was going to be sick.
Loki could not tear his mind off of the blond senator.
Off of Thor, the brother he did not know.
The smile in his mind's eye the only thing attached to the name other than a bone deep longing for him. The brother he did not remember.
There was a disgusting sort of relief that the man who had perished had not been his brother. Had not been Thor. Loki hated how grateful he felt.
He was horrible.
It struck him that he couldn't even remember the blond senator's name.
His stomach rolled as he sat down in the ship numbly.
His revolting blue hands rested limply in his lap.
He was a monster.
He-
"-and he screamed out a name too. Thor."
The sound of Nebula's voice shook Loki from his thoughts and he froze.
The Other's strange, hissing voice came for the hologram, "I ssssee… he will be informed immediately."
Before Nebula could reply Loki blurted out without thinking, "No!"
His sister's head snapped towards him alongside the Other's to stare at him intensely.
As she opened her mouth to speak Loki cut her off quickly, desperation leaking into his voice, "Please! Don't tell Father! I'm sorry, please! I- I didn't mean too! It won't happen again, please, just- just don't tell him! Don't tell Thanos, please!"
Nebula was silent, her face emotionless except for the slight crease between her brows. The Other's cruel hiss cut through the silence like a knife, "What makesss you think you have any ssssay in thisss? It is hisss right to determine your fate. It is hisss right to determine you punishment. And for your failure you will be punished. Your flesh will be flayed from your bonesss; you will scream and beg for the sweet release of death only to not be granted it."
He couldn't breathe. Loki barely felt his short, metallic claws digging into his palms as he stared straight ahead, not focusing on anything in particular.
Clouds drifted lazily across the hazy yellow sky just outside the window.
"-back to Sanctuary immediately."
Breaking-
"nononononnonno…"
Shattering-
"Thanos-"
Falling to pieces…
A disturbed and distraught, nigh hysterical laugh bubbled up in his throat and slipped out from between his teeth as tears rolled down his cheeks.
No, no, no, no, no-
He was both far too whole and shattered beyond repair.
He was powdered glass, dust blowing in the wind.
He felt as he were falling once again.
He whispered Thor's name over and over to himself as if it were some sort of protective enchantment. As if it were a buffer against the cruel realities of life. A comfort in a storm.
The hologram disappeared.
His sister was silent.
Nebula was enraged.
Cold fury seeping through her body, surging through her veins and burrowing into her bones.
This was nothing new, she was nearly always furious at something. More often than not she was furious with her siblings. At her sister. Gamora. It was safe to be angry with her.
It was not safe to be angry at their father.
Gamora had everything Nebula had ever wanted. Was everything Nebula had ever aspired to be. Had worked towards. Yet she didn't seem to even care.
Just like how she didn't care about Nebula.
Not anymore.
Gamora was the favourite. The most skilled.
Always besting her in their training.
She never cared.
Gamora pretended to care for her but when it came down to Nebula or herself, well. Nebula was just an afterthought.
Gamora never cared that when she won Nebula lost another piece of herself. Became that much more of a machine.
Because Gamora was father's favourite.
She won.
And remained in one piece.
Nebula never won against her.
And so, their 'father' tore her to shreds.
Over.
And over.
Nebula knew suffering well.
Gamora only gave a damn after Nebula had been ripped to pieces and reassembled with a little bit less of herself. Offering comfort after the fact but allowing it to happen in the first place.
Nebula could not bring herself to hate Gamora and that almost made it worse.
Gamora filled her with rage and fury. Set her teeth on edge.
Yet Nebula still yearned for the comfort her sister would offer.
Out of all her siblings she hated Gamora the least.
She was just trying to survive.
She had not chosen to follow Thanos but had no choice in the matter.
Gamora was conscripted into their father's service when the mad titan had slaughtered her people and stolen her from her home. Just like he had done with Nebula when she had been but an infant.
Nebula faintly remembered a time before Gamora had become a part of the Black Order.
When Nebula had been very small, she had been introduced to her sister. Gamora had never been like the other Children of Thanos. She was kind when she could be. Assisting Nebula, comforting her in private.
Nebula could recall secret smiles and whispered words of encouragement.
Gamora was never willfully cruel like their other siblings.
She was only cruel when she thought she had no choice.
Nebula in truth did not despise her sister for besting her in training. It was not cruel to want to win. Gamora did what she had to do in order to remain their father's favourite child. To survive.
Nebula did despise her sister for standing by and letting her, watching her, be torn apart. It was cruel to never once step in. To knowingly let Nebula be disassembled, warped and ruined by their father's hand.
Nebula knew it was foolish to think her sister could have stopped it but that did not halt the fury spilling through her veins.
Nebula hated her father.
She hated Thanos more than anything for what he had done to her. To her siblings. To Gamora.
To Loki.
Her newest sibling.
Weak and afraid, like she had been as a child facing off against Gamora.
Trying to prove themselves to their so called 'father'.
It infuriated her, the similarities.
He infuriated her.
He was pathetic.
Weak.
And it infuriated her that she herself was his Gamora.
She had won.
Had proved herself worthy to their father.
Had proved that she was better.
Nebula had succeeded where Loki had failed. She had eliminated their target.
She had been instructed to wait, to observe.
To see if her new brother would kill the man. To see if he could.
Loki had failed.
Nebula had ended the senator's life and she had won.
The loser would suffer the consequences of failure.
Nebula herself was like Gamora in some respects.
She could be so very cruel.
Nebula was infuriated with herself as she stood by. As she returned to Sanctuary and watched the Chitauri soldiers drag Loki away. She watched the tears trail from his vacant eyes. Listened to his faint repetitive murmurs of, "Thor… Thor… Thor…". The name seemingly providing her bother some sort of hollow comfort.
Nebula didn't know who's name Loki whispered to himself.
She didn't know why he had screamed the name when the senator had died.
As Loki was dragged away, clawed hands ensnaring him in their grip as he was led to their father, Nebula was enraged.
She felt cold fury seeping through her body, surging through her veins and burrowing into her bones.
Nebula hated herself as she knowingly let her brother be warped and ruined by their father's hand. As she stood by and did nothing.
She had won.
She had survived.
And she hated herself for it.