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Chapter 15: The Road to Recovery Begins

Josh spent all of Donna's first day post-surgery at her bedside at the military hospital in Landstuhl. Due to the extent of her injuries, doctors had elected to keep Donna sedated throughout most of the day, but Josh didn't want to leave her. He didn't want her to wake up scared and have to face the reality of her amputation alone. He wanted to be the one to tell her that her life had unalterably changed.

"I didn't want you and Mr. Moss to have to go any longer without hearing anything." Josh was saying on the phone to a frantic Roberta. He knew that the Army had sent them official notification that Donna had been wounded, and wanted to alleviate their fears. He listened to Donna's mother, weeping in a combination of shock and relief, tell him that she would be on the next flight to Germany. Josh, in his wisdom, managed to talk her out of it, or at least put it off for a few days. He knew the last thing Donna would need in the coming hours was her mother showing up right as she was trying to absorb the shock. He kept the rest of the conversation brief, then flipped his phone shut.

Josh sighed, putting his head back and wanting to get a few minutes of sleep. However, his mind did not wish to extend him that courtesy. Like it or not, he realized, his life had changed too. This was his wife that would face this seemingly insurmountable medical challenge, his wife who would have to face whether or not a medical discharge from the Army was the recommended plan. Even if she could stay in the service, he thought, what kind of life would she have? Working behind a desk for the rest of her career?

And then, of course, there were the practical aspects of her amputation recovery. Living out of a wheelchair or crutches for weeks, maybe months, before her prosthetic would be ready. Would she even want a prosthetic? He assumed she would, but there was no way to know for sure until she woke up. The military housing they lived in would need to be adapted for her. How was he going to afford that? To him, it didn't matter he would be able to afford it. He just would.

Josh rolled his head slightly to the side and watched Donna for a few minutes. His hand had been in hers ever since he sat down. "In sickness and in health." he murmured. "Those were our wedding vows, baby. And I'm going to do whatever I can to hold up my end of the bargain."

He traced patterns over her bandaged hand, before letting go to pull out her letters. The letters they had been sending back and forth since the day she was deployed that had been his only connection to her. He pulled one out randomly, and began to read:

Dear Josh,

I was so glad to get your letter last week. Somehow reading your words puts me much closer to you. And there are days when I feel like I need to have you close to me.

I've been thinking lately about our wedding. How beautiful it was, how personal it was to us. It may have taken us a long time to be able to recognize our feelings for what they were, but once we did-well, I wouldn't take back a second of these last two years.

Things are getting tougher out here, but I guess that's par for the course. They wouldn't have deployed the unit here if they didn't need us desperately. The days are long and hard, and there are many times when we wonder what will happen day to day. But the thought that keeps me going every day is coming home to you.

I miss you more than I say. I saw you mentioned in your last letter that your mom invited you down to Florida for Thanksgiving. I think you should go. Even though it won't be the same without me, at least around your mom you don't have to act like everything's fine. She knows what you're going through better than anyone right now.

Keep your head up, honey. We've got this! Can't wait to hear from you soon.

I love you,

Donna

Josh was jolted from the letter by a moan coming from the bed. He sat up straight as he felt a light squeeze in his hand and his wife's face grimacing. He could only imagine the pain and disorientation she must be experiencing.

"Donna, it's okay. I'm right here." Josh said, leaning over the rail to gently stroke her hair. He noted as he did that she was ragingly hot. She thrashed about, clearly in pain. He hit the nurses' call button multiple times, and a nurse came running in. She pushed a syringe full of something into Donna's IV, muttering all the time, "Hold on, honey. Just hold on." After a few seconds, she relaxed and fell back asleep.

"What just happened?"

"Sometimes patients, especially soldiers, in extreme pain can be prone to confusion and disorientation. It's also the beginning of PTSD. Nightmares that develop can jar a patient awake and panic them when there's a lot of pain."

"What was that you just put in her IV?"

"Dilaudid. It's a pain medication we often use after surgery. It'll bring down her post-op fever too. The doctor's ordered a morphine drip, that should control her pain more in the long run." She gently patted Donna's shoulder. "She should be out for the next few hours, until the morphine kicks in."

Josh nodded. He obviously had quite a lot to learn about life post-amputation. He settled back against his chair and decided to get a couple more hours of sleep.

He woke up to movement of fingers in his hand. When it happened again, he looked up quickly to find Donna's blue eyes staring back at him.

"Hi." he said quietly, struggling to find the words. "You're awake."

"Josh?" she said, confused. "How long have you been here? How long have I?"

"I've been here almost as long as you. What's the last thing you remember?"

"Going out on patrol. I think we were doing re-reconnaissance?"

"Yeah." He wasn't exactly sure how to broach the subject of the explosion and the devastating injuries that came with it.

"Josh? What happened?"

"Your humvee hit a landmine, and you were thrown out."

Donna blinked and nodded. "My guys?"

Josh froze. He knew she would ask, but he still had hoped he could ease into the conversation.

"Donna, um…"

"They're gone, aren't they?"

He sighed. "Two were killed on impact. Corporal Gardner died in surgery."

Donna stared straight ahead, tears filling her eyes. "I can't believe it." She leaned back against her pillow, and Josh leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"What about me?" she said quietly. "How bad off am I?"

Josh swallowed deeply. He dreaded the next part of their conversation. He decided to start off light. "Um, you have a few broken ribs, a concussion, internal injuries, that sort of thing."

"Josh."

"Yeah? What's up, are you in pain?"

"No. Is there something wrong with my leg?"

"Your leg?"

"I can't really feel it."

He took a deep breath. This was it. He would have to tell her. "Sweetheart, there was a lot of damage. They-they couldn't save your leg. I'm so sorry." He sat back and waited for her reaction.

The expression on her face was unreadable. Shock, disbelief, fear, and grief ran over her face like shadows.

"They amputated my leg?"

"Donna, they had to."

"Do you have any idea what this means?"

Josh bit his lip and nodded silently. "I talked to one of the officers here. They said your amputation might not automatically equal medical discharge."

"But it will. You say that now, but...everyone's just trying to make me feel better."

"Donna-"

"You know what, Josh?" Her voice had changed; it was sharper. "Could I just be alone for a while? I need to-I need to process this."

Josh nodded mutely. "Yeah, of course." He kissed her on the forehead and walked slowly out of the room.

…

The next week passed in a physical and emotional blur. Donna was angered and saddened by the loss of her leg, particularly when she learned she might've had a choice in whether or not to amputate. Josh tried to give her as much space as possible, but even he could see it was putting a strain on their marriage. When Donna's mother arrived 48 hours after her surgery, Donna immediately gravitated towards her. Josh tried not to be wounded by the fact that her mother seemed to be taking over. However, he wanted to learn as much as he needed to about taking care of Donna.

He learned, with the help of the nurses, how to change her dressings, how to help her with her personal care, and above all to support her emotionally. However, she still seemed distant from him. He wanted to reach out, but knew that she had to process this her own way.

Meanwhile, Donna was struggling. When she woke up to learn that her leg had been amputated, she had been devastated. Life as she knew it had ended. Would she be able to continue as a soldier, the only life she had ever known? If she just stayed in her own world, and focused on getting out of the hospital, she wouldn't have to face the reality of what the rest of her life would hold. Not yet. The reason she found herself letting her mom take care of her was because if she let Josh...she'd have to face her demons. All of them.

There was her emotional recovery too. She had been woken up with nightmares at least three times a night for the better part of the last week. And working all day in PT, as well as being measured for a prosthesis-the one true reminder that her life would never be the same-was beginning to take its toll on her.

A week after the explosion, Donna was working on her PT exercises. She was actually alone in her room-rare. But her mom had gone to the cafeteria to get some coffee, and she had convinced Josh to go back to the hotel and bring her a change of clothes. She had mainly worn a hospital gown since she entered the hospital, but the doctor had told her she could wear regular clothes if she felt like it.

She was just finishing transferring from her wheelchair to her bed when there was a knock on her door.

"Come in." she said.

The door opened to reveal an older woman in combat work uniform. "Hey, Moss, how have you been?"

For the first time since she was told about her leg, her face lit up. "CJ!" She reached for her metal walker and began to awkwardly stand up.

But CJ waved her back down. "Don't even bother getting up." She slid a chair over to her.

"How did you know where I was?" Donna asked, suddenly self-conscious.

"I'm a Colonel in the US Army. We hear a lot about conflicts, especially nearby." She hesitated. "I heard you were the only survivor, so I thought I'd better check in."

"Where are you stationed?" Donna asked.

"I'm in Stuttgart."

"Oh. I'm sorry if you came out of your way."

"Don't be sorry, I was worried. Then I talked to Josh, and he said you were taking things kind of badly." She awkwardly gestured to her leg, or what was left of it.

"I'm fine." Donna said, trying to shrug it off.

But CJ, who'd been dealing with PTSD victims her whole life, knew a PTSD case when she saw one.

"Are you sure?" she asked carefully.

Donna nodded.

CJ got up and sat next to Donna on the bed. She took her hand. "When I was a little girl, my brother Peter was involved in a rocket attack in Vietnam. He suffered, among other injuries, a traumatic brain injury. It was months before he came home and then...he just wasn't the same. It wasn't even physical, it was...the way he would jump whenever anyone would surprise him, or the nightmares that would have him screaming half the night, or that he would scream at me if I bothered him too much. My parents tried to get him into treatment programs, but he would just check himself out. But, eventually the mental torture just got to be too much."

"No." Donna whispered.

"We were all eating breakfast one day-I was seven-when my mother screamed from upstairs. I'll never forget her scream. I rushed upstairs...and my brother had hung himself in his bedroom. He just couldn't take it anymore."

"Oh, CJ." Donna said. "I'm so sorry."

"I never forgot that day. It still affects me. And whenever I see someone hurting the way he did, I just want to make sure I do everything I can to keep what happened to him from ever happening to vets again."

Donna stared at her blankly. Then, she burst into tears. CJ just wrapped her up in her arms.

"How do I make my peace with this?" she sobbed. "How am I going to live without being a soldier? It's all I know how to do."

"You will." CJ promised. She pulled back from Donna to look her in the eye. "You are stronger, more determined than anybody I've ever known in my life. You will come out of this on the other side."

"You really think so?" Donna said, her voice wavering.

"I know so." CJ said determinedly. "Now, I do have one homework assignment for you."

Donna nodded. "Anything."

"Talk to Josh. Don't keep pushing him away. He loves you so much. I can see it."

Donna swallowed and nodded again. She knew she had to reach out to him. She loved him too much to let him go.

"I'll try."

A/N: Rough chapter, I know, but necessary. I'll be wrapping up this story in either the next chapter or the one after. Let me know what you thought!