Day 5: Shirou — The Girl Who Would Be King
Shirou Emiya dreamed of a sword.
A beautiful golden sword was embedded in a stone. It was said that the one who pulled the sword from the stone would become King of England. Many great knights gathered on the day foretold by the prophecy and attempted to draw the sword, but none could budge it. As they decided amongst themselves to decide the matter of the kingship by a jousting competition instead, a girl approached the abandoned sword. Without hesitation, she drew the golden blade. In that moment, bathed in holy light, she was proclaimed king.
The girl was Arturia Pendragon, daughter of the late king Uther. Sent away from the royal castle as a child because she was not the male heir the king desired, raised in secret by a former knight who had educated her about the noble path of chivalry, she had at last returned to attain her destiny.
Of course, in such times, people would not have willingly accepted a woman as their ruler. As such, the magus Merlin disguised her as a man. Once she drew the sword from the stone, her aging ceased, so people ascribed her feminine features to her preserved youth. Thus Arturia became Arthur, King of Knights.
King Arthur was a great and glorious leader who was enshrined in eternal legend. But in exchange for his success, the girl Arturia was forced to pay a deep price. Her true identity subsumed by the false image she projected for the sake of others, she alone was forced to bear the impossible weight of her entire country's future. For the sake of all the subjects who depended on her, she forsook any hope of attaining ordinary human happiness for herself. The chivalrous King of Knights knew only of duty, devotion, and sacrifice.
And so Arturia Pendragon walked the thorny path of the martyr, sacrificing all she had, all she desired, and eventually even all that she was for the benefit of people who she never even knew. Enraptured by the glorious tale of King Arthur's noble passing, nobody noticed the body of a young woman, barely more than a girl, left lying broken and bloody atop a hill of swords. With the last of her dying strength, the girl who had never had the chance to live an ordinary life raised her hands to the heavens, and prayed for a miracle.
And a miracle appeared before her: the shining Cup of Heaven, the Holy Grail which could grant any wish, fulfill any desire. It hung before her, tantalizingly close, its brilliant light just beyond her outstretched fingers. The girl pleaded to the World, offering her life and afterlife in service to the Throne of Heroes, if only she would be given this miracle, this second chance.
The girl reached out to grasp the divine miracle —
— and a black fire poured forth, drowning the world beneath the weight of six billion curses, and there arose screams and lamentations without number...
Shirou Emiya jerked awake.
He knew as soon as he woke up that it was later than usual. He was in the habit of getting up early in order to enjoy the large breakfasts that Sakura came over to cook. Today, however, there was no smell of cooking food wafting from the kitchen; and the brightness outside his window told him that it was well past morning. Shirou quickly sat up, trying to shake off the lingering drowsiness.
"You're awake, Shirou." Saber said, a note of relief in her voice.
She was sitting on the floor near his futon, though he hadn't noticed her presence until she'd spoken.
"Saber...?" he asked. "What time is it? I'm late for school — why didn't anybody wake me up?"
"You were running a slight fever in your sleep." Saber said. "Tohsaka decided that it would be best to let you sleep, and Taiga agreed that your health was more important than going in today. Bazett is in the tool shed, I believe; she thought it would be less suspicious to wait until evening to introduce herself rather than just appearing at the house in the morning."
"Oh." Shirou said.
He felt fine now, but he could see that his futon was damp with sweat.
"Tohsaka is also skipping school." Saber said. "She said she needs to bring some of her possessions over from her house, but I suspect her actual motivation is concern for your health. She may be feeling somewhat responsible for your condition; she said that the fever could be a side-effect of your magic circuits being forced open by the gem she had you swallow. It's not dangerous, as your body should adjust to the burden fairly rapidly, but she seems to feel guilty over causing you discomfort."
"Rin worries too much." Shirou agreed. "This is pretty much the equivalent of a muscle cramp, right? My previous magecraft technique bypassed my natural magic circuits by creating artificial ones; since I've just now started exercising my natural ones for the first time, it's only natural for there to be a few aches and pains."
"That is more or less what Tohsaka said, though she used magus terminology." Saber said. "Because you are not experienced in using your natural magic circuits, prana is not passing through them smoothly and is occasionally overflowing."
Shirou recalled the dream he'd been having, how painfully nostalgic it had felt — as though it wasn't a dream at all, but a long-forgotten memory. If it had coincided with prana spilling over from his magic circuits, the bond that connected him with his Servants...
"I dreamed about your legend." Shirou said. "About King Arthur... or rather, Arturia."
"It is not unheard of for Masters and Servants linked by a contract to dream of each others' pasts." Saber said. "I must confess... over the past couple of nights, I myself have had dreams which I suspect to be your memories. About the fire, ten years ago. It was not my intention to intrude upon your privacy, but I had no control over what I experienced."
"It's alright." Shirou said. "You didn't mean to, and I already explained about that to you anyway. Would it... would it be alright if I asked you about your past a little? I mean, of course of heard the legend of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, but your real life was obviously very different from the stories."
"Of course." Saber said. "I would be happy to clarify any confusion you might have."
"The sword I saw in my dream — it wasn't the same as the sword you have now." Shirou said. "It looked similar, but... more beautiful somehow. I'm not sure how to describe it, exactly, but it definitely felt like it was on a different level. I know King Arthur's sword in the legends is Excalbur; and that's the sword you wield, since you called its name when you used your Noble Phantasm last night. So what was that other sword?"
Saber's eyes grew distant as she immersed herself in a memory of a long-ago age.
"You saw the sword Caliburn — once my greatest treasure, but now gone from this world for all eternity." Saber said. "It was the Sword in the Stone, capable of being drawn only by the worthy, and by right of which I was declared King of Britain. But though I was universally praised for my honor and virtue, all men are fallible, and even I proved unworthy of it in the end. Faced with a battle that I could not win by honorable means, I chose to violate the code of chivalry in pursuit of victory — and though I won the day, Caliburn could not bear the taint of my dishonor, and sundered itself in my hands. I took the broken pieces to the faerie Viviane, known as the Lady of the Lake, and she reforged them into Excalibur. Excalibur is without doubt an exceptional blade, exceeding its predecessor in terms of strength and power. But even so, it could never truly replace Caliburn in my heart. The very fact of its greater strength makes it less beautiful — Excalibur is a sturdy tool to carry out the grim work of slaughter, whereas Caliburn was a fragile dream meant to inspire awe. It's breaking taught me a lesson I have never allowed myself to forget: that the ends do not justify the means. That victory is only virtuous if attained through honorable means. Never again will I allow myself to be sullied with the taint of shameful deeds. Even if Caliburn no longer exists in the world, I will strive to live so as to be worthy of wielding it; and in that way, it will continue to exist in my heart."
Shirou swelled with admiration for the woman who had become his Servant. He knew that the most difficult battle one could fight was not against any external enemy, but the struggle to stay true to one's ideals. How many times, since Kiritsugu's death, had Shirou fought against the impossibility of the ideal he strived for — becoming the perfect hero, who could save everyone. Struggling against his own physical limitations, as a third-rate magus; struggling against despair, in the face of the enormity of the world's problems and his inability to solve them; struggling against resentment, when people like Shinji took advantage of his altruism by dumping their work on him without offering him respect or gratitude. Yet even in the face of all that, he nevertheless continued to strive, for the beauty of that abstract ideal was so great that he could not bear to live his life without holding it in his heart.
He looked at Saber, and truly understood her for the first time.
"It's loss must have affected you very deeply." Shirou said. "It must have taken tremendous resolve to continue after its loss."
"I bore the burden of an entire nation on my shoulders; I could not afford to falter, no matter the depth of my bereavement." Saber said. "But in a way, I was also fortunate that it was only the blade which was broken. For both Caliburn and Excalibur, the greatest power lay not in the sword itself, but in the sheath which I carried them."
"The sheath?" Shirou asked.
"I carry Excalbur within Invisible Air now, but it once had a glorious golden sheath." Saber said. "It was the embodiment of Avalon — the ever-distant utopia which I forever strove for. So long as I carried it, I was protected from all the evils of this world — I could not be touched by aging, nor disease, nor injury."
"That sounds like the most powerful Noble Phantasm in the world." Shirou said. "It'd make you immortal... unstoppable."
"Not unstoppable." Saber said. "It only granted me the power to survive, not to win. To protect myself, but not to protect others. As King, I was forced to fight many bloody wars in order to defend my homeland. I was constantly surrounded by death. Comrades and allies who rode by side were struck down by enemy swords and arrows. Villages which looked to me for protection were looted and burned when my armies could not arrive in time. I was forced to watch them die, unable to do anything; though I wanted to save them, Avalon only allowed me to save myself."
Shirou understood that tone of powerlessness, that tinge of despair in her voice. It was the same feeling he had experienced himself, caught in that fire of ten years ago. How he had hated himself for being the only one to have been saved. Wishing he could exchange his life for that of some more deserving soul who had perished. Shirou had overcome that despair by embracing Kiritsugu's dream, to become a hero of justice. He would repay his debt to all those who had died so that he might live by becoming a great hero who could ensure such a tragedy never occurred again. But as for Saber...
"But even despite the sheath, you did eventually die." Shirou said.
"The sheath was stolen from me, while I was on a campaign to defend Britain's borders." Saber said, a haunted look in her eyes. "I repelled the barbarian invaders only to return to a rebellion led by knights who had united behind my daughter, Mordred. She and I slew one another, on that bloody hill in Camlann; without Avalon, the wounds I suffered were mortal. But even had I still possessed the sheath's miraculous power, it would not have made the battle a victory: the people I had sworn to protect were dead, slaughtered at each others' hands; and the land I had sworn to defend was ravaged and ruined by the conflict. Avalon might have saved my life, but only mine; my people would still suffer and die due to my failure as a King. To give them salvation would require a power far greater than Avalon: the power of a true miracle "
"The Holy Grail." Shirou said. "That's why you answered it's call as a Servant. You want to wish the Battle of Camlann undone?"
"Not merely that." Saber said. "I want to avert all the sorrows Britain suffered under my failed kingship. If the Holy Grail can truly grant any wish, no matter how impossible, then I will ask it to redo the selection of the king so that Caliburn is drawn by some other knight. There must be someone worthier than I, who can succeed where I failed and save Britain from the destruction it suffered under my leadership."
Saber had died without ever meeting someone like Kiritsugu to show her a path to the future. She still saw only the past, the dying men strewn on that blood-soaked hill. Crushed by pain and regret, she would do anything to make that scene disappear, even if it meant undoing everything she had ever achieved in her life. Shirou felt a deep sorrow, which gave way to a burning resolve. He would save Arturia from this sorrow, from this misguided wish. Even if it meant she gave up on fighting for the Holy Grail. That was his obligation to her, because he was not a Master, who used Servants as mere tools; he was a hero, who would save everyone.
"You became king because you wanted to protect your country." Shirou said. "After all the pain and hardship you went through for that goal, you're just going to give up and push that burden onto someone else?"
"A person's individual desires are irrelevant." Saber said. "When one is called to the service of one's country, it is one's obligation to give all one has. I tried my hardest, gave all that I could; but in the end, it wasn't enough. I was unable to save my country. And so, I must ask another person to take up that burden. Someone stronger than I, who can succeed where I failed. It is the king's duty and burden to make any sacrifice for the sake of their nation; and so I will sacrifice all that I accomplished in my life so that those I failed to save might find their salvation."
"Haven't you sacrificed enough already?" Shirou asked. "As King Arthur, you bore the burden of ruling your country, and in the end you even died for it. Now you've been reborn into the modern world and given another chance at life. Rather than erase the past, you should try to build a new future. Live the life you never had a chance to the first time around."
"You bless me with kind words." Saber said. "However, I cannot agree. My duty as a knight demands I make this sacrifice for the benefit of my people. I will not abandon my ideal."
"Then I'll just have to prove that my ideal is stronger." Shirou said. "I'll become a hero who can bring happiness to everyone — even you."
Saber didn't respond; but as she turned her head away, Shirou saw a faint smile playing around her lips.
"Now, let's go make some breakfast." Shirou said. "I'm famished."
As he climbed out of his futon, Saber also rose to her feet. However, Shirou noticed her sway unsteadily, as though unable to find her balance.
"Saber?" Shirou asked. "Are you okay."
"I'm fine." Saber said, the weakness of her voice betraying her lie. "Just... a little tired... from last night's battle. But I can still..."
She took two teetering steps, the collapsed unconscious to the floor.