"Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created at all and didn't just start, as it were, unofficially, it came into being about 14 billion years ago. The Earth is generally supposed to be about 4 and a half billion years old. These dates are incorrect.

Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC. Also, incorrect. Archbishop James Ussher claimed that the Heaven and the Earth were created on Sunday, the 21st of October, 4004 BC, - at 9:00 a.m. This too was incorrect, by almost a quarter of an hour. It was created at 9:13 in the morning. Which was correct.

The whole business with the fossilized dinosaur skeletons was a joke the paleontologists haven't seen yet. This proves two things.

Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe. I play an ineffable game of my own devising. For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

Secondly, the Earth is a Libra. The entry for Libra in The Tadfield Advertiser on the night our history begins reads as follows: "You may be feeling run down and always in the same daily round. A friend is important to you. You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, so avoid salads. Help could come from an unexpected quarter". This was perfectly correct on every count, except for the bit about the salads.

To understand the true significance of what that means, we need to begin earlier. A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise. Just after the beginning. It starts, as it will end, with a garden. In this case, the Garden of Eden. And with an apple..."

With that Crawly slithered down the tree as a naked and expecting Eve approached. Adam was there as well. Their dark skin gleamed against the sun and Crawly almost felt sorry for them. But this was the best way to avoid the wrath of Hell and to also stick to the angels.

He tempted them telling them to go on and eat the fruit. They did so without much hesitation. Eve first than Adam. With that, they began to scramble around like a bunch of holagians after they had realized they were naked. Crawly found the whole exchange almost humorous and he had to hold ever fit of laughter in as the fools tied leaves around their private parts. Out of all the things in the garden to use they used leaves.

Not short after that Crawly heard a booming noise and God appeared and he watched the humans proceed to blame each other and then him for eating the apple. Crawly felt his stomach drop. He had already pissed off one boss he didn't need to piss off his former ex-boss. God proceeded to let them know the universe would not take kindly to their choices as Crawly expected and they were given the boot.

A certain angel was watching from a distance surprised that the humans betrayed God just as the angels did. He then saw a pack of hungry lions wandering the desert and saw the pregnant woman and her husband hand and hand as the walked towards the opening in the wall.

Aziraphale knew he shouldn't interfere but he had powers and they did not. It just didn't seem fair. With that, he spread his angelic pearly white wings and flew down behind a tree. With that he tucked them away and proceed to block the path of Adam and Eve.

What he was about to do was very much against the rules and he knew he had to do it quickly.

"Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here". He said it quickly and shoved the sword into Adam's hand before he flew back up to the wall before the had a chance to thank him. Adam and Eve proceeded outside the walls. Meanwhile, War watched from a distance and smiled as she was about to receive her first weapon of choice.

"It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn't been invented yet. But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way. And it was going to be a big one..."

Crawly saw an angel perched on top of the wall turned towards the desert. He slowly slithered through the garden and slithered up the wall. He had no intention of attacking the angel of course. He just wanted to mess with him and wanted to expose the harshness and cruelty the angels kept under wraps with their fake smiles and false promises. Maybe the humans would even provide an audience to this very important lesson.

Aziraphale watched the humans like a worried father. Even in the short time, he had known them he had come to care for them. He hoped they won't be killed by the animals who had already begun to turn rabid and eat each other. It was a vicious sight. Please be careful he mumbled in his head over and over again.

He felt a snake slither behind and felt a sense of relief that not all the animals had gone bad as one of the snakes he had helped color still wanted to be around him. The snake then slithered beside him and he got a closer look and felt something was off.

He then watched in horror as the snake formed into a person...no a demon. He nearly peed his angelic robes and angels didn't even need to use the bathroom! He stretched his black wings out and proceed to say in a low voice without turning his head "Well, that went down like a lead balloon."

Aziraphale did not know what to say and had not even heard the demon. He was just chuckling like a fool as everything he had feared would happen was happening now. Perhaps he did the wrong thing as a demon was about to end his life. Then Aziraphale remembered his manners and responded.

"Sorry, what was that?"

The demon turned to him like he was frightening the angel. Good. This meant the angel was off his game and won't attack him.

"I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon"." He responded waiting for the angel's reaction.

The angel looked down sadly and replied nervously "Yes, yes, it did, rather."

His focus was not on the demon but rather on the humans. He had decided that if they needed help he would fly out and save them. If he was about to be killed by a demon he might as well do what his heart told him to do.

Crawly did not appreciate this lack of focus. He needed to say something worse.

"Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. First offense and everything. I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway."

The angel did not even turn to face him when he said "Well, it must be bad-" with this he turned his gorgeous blue eyes on him.

"Crawly. My name is Crawly." He said rolling his eyes.

"Crawley. Otherwise, you wouldn't have tempted them into it." He then faced back to the humans.

This was getting annoying for Crawly on how the angel only seemed to care about the dumb humans. Any other angel would have already tried to kill him or at least fight him off. He then realised the angel was a Principality and probably did not care enough about to care about him.

"Oh, I just said, "Get up there and make some trouble"." Crawly said although this was an oversimplification but no need to give the angel any indication of his tricks.

The angel turned and frowned as though Crawly had told him the most basic information in the world. " Well, obviously. You're a demon. It's what you do." He then turned back to the humans worry lining his face.

What was going on? Was an angel seriously more worried about humans without any powers than a demon who could summon Hellfire and destroy him permanently?

"Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a "Don't Touch" sign. I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? Or on the moon?" Crawly thought aloud and was pleased to see the angel turn his eyes skyward in confusion at this. "Makes you wonder what God's really planning."

The angel scoffed silently. "Best not to speculate. It's all part of the Great Plan. It's not for us to understand. It's ineffable."

Crawly wasn't really listening and realized why the angel was so focused on the humans. The flaming sword he had was nowhere in sight. He was probably hiding it and looking so fore longed at the humans in order to smit Crawly when he least expected it. Stupid angel. He really thought that would work.

He responded to act like he was listening. "The Great Plan's ineffable? "

"Exactly. It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words."

Time to trip up an angel mid explanation.

"Didn't you have a flaming sword?"

That flustered him. He didn't even look at the demon and only sputtered words came out. Not a very bright angel if this was his attack stategy. He then saw the look was one of guilt and not fear. He then realized the angel probably didn't have it after all.

"You did. It was flaming like anything. What happened to it?"

The angel once again had the same look of shame. Oh. He lost it. Crawly didn't know if he should laugh or feel bad or both. The archangels really must have hated the humans to send this absent-minded of an angel to guard Eden if he couldn't even keep track of one sword. His response to this was somewhere in the middle of the two.

"Lost it already, have you?" He held back snickers.

The angel looked down and mumbled, "Gave it away."

Crawly almost fell off the wall and went with widened eyes " YOU WHAT?"

The angel looked at him and breathed out louder this time "I gave it away." He then proceeded to go on with his explanation about how it was necessary in a hurried fast past nervous rant all while Crawly was trying to figure out just what was happening.

"There are vicious animals. It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already. And I said, "Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here".

The angel looked back at the humans and said sadly "I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing."

"Oh, you're an angel. I don't think you can do the wrong thing." Crawly shouldn't have said that but he was. This really was a weird day.

The angel turned to him with so much relief on his face and replied in an anxious fit "Oh, oh, thank Oh, thank you. It's been bothering me."

Crawly almost felt sorry for him as the angel turned his attention back to the humans who were not facing a lion and then Crawly saw the sword in Adam's hand and felt stupid for not seeing what was right in front of him. A lion was approaching and they were going to be clobbered to death. For some reason, he didn't want such an anxious angel to have any more on his mind so he lead with"I've been worrying, too. What if I did the right thing with the whole "eat the apple" business? A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing."

Of course, this wasn't true as he had done exactly as he was asked to the letter. He just wanted for some reason to see the stress lines leave the angel's face. It didn't work as the angel was still staring and flinched as Adam slayed the lion.

Perhaps he could get the angel to laugh. That would ease his mind. "It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one."

He chuckled and was glad to see the angel doing the same until it was like someone smacked the angel as he went back to the state where Crawly found him.

"No. It wouldn't be funny at all."

Well, the demon hadn't attacked him yet and he saw water coming down from the sky. "Well..." he said to himself and without thinking put a wing shield over the demon next to him.

Aziraphale wanted to slap himself. What kind of an angel was he? Gave his sword away? Consorting with the enemy and now shielding him from rain. He prayed for forgiveness and also that Gabriel could not see them.

Crawly was staring at the angel now. He could not believe what was happening.

Aziraphale could feel Crawly's eyes on him and his cheeks burned with shame. When the rain finally stopped he tucked his wings back in and miricled himself dry without looking at Crawly who was still staring at him.

Crawly came to prove a point and this angel had subverted his expectations in every way. The angel was kind and caring towards him and the humans. Two species far below him in the ranking.

He wasn't even mad the humans got to name the animals rather than the angels as he had heard both angels current and former complain about. He gave them protection and he felt instant guilt forever trying to think about angering the angel. The poor thing looked like the definition of cognitive dissonance.

His thoughts were interrupted when the angel let out a strained "Oh no!" and Crawly wondered what he was panicking about now.

"I have been so rude and terrible to you! You must forgive me! You are a demon but still, God says to treat our enemies kindly and here I am acting like a complete jerk!"

Crawly could not even begin to understand in what universe how not killing him or putting a wing to shield him from the rain was considered being a complete jerk.

"I didn't even introduce myself! Stupid angel! Bad angel! My name is Aziraphale! I am a Principality! My job is to guide and protect, inspire living things in art and science, and carry out orders given to them by the upper sphere angels! My upper sphere angel is the archangel, Gabriel. He is the perfect model angel. Who was your former angel hierarchy? No! Sorry! Ignore that! That was stupid and rude! Now you've gone and done it Aziraphale! Can't do anything right can you! Offened the archangels, gave away your flaming sword and now insulted a demon! I am so sorry Crawly! That was awful rude of me! I am blabbering again! Gabriel said I talk too much."

Crawly could not believe an angel of all things cared about his feelings. No one anywhere for his entire existence had treated him with this kindness. He didn't even seem scared of his eyes. He wanted to reassure the angel.

"Aziraphale it is nice to meet you." No! Bad demon! Don't say that!

"I am sorry to have bothered you. I just can't seem to do anything right. I have a wall to rebuild. I bid you a good day."

"Wait! Do you need any help with that? You know I owe you one for the wing thing!"

"No Crawly! It is alright. I am so sorry! I didn't mean to make it seem like you are in debt to me or anything! I did it out of the kindness of my heart as angels are supposed to be. Good day!"

Before he could get another word out the angel was gone. He then transformed back into a snake and slithered to where Aziraphale was self rebuking himself over every little thing as he put the stones back into the wall sealing the entrance. His soft blonde curls were a mess and his beautiful sky blue eyes darting everywhere. His face covered in those worry lines. The demon had to admit the angel was an adorable little thing and hoped he would be sent up here more often and could only hope he wasn't this friendly to all demons. He felt sad realizing the gullible kindness of the angel could lead to him getting hurt.

But it would happen eventually so Crawly tried to put it out of his mind and secretly hoped his screw up with the sword would get him sent back to heaven where he would be safe from the demons already venturing to the surface as he slithered through the tree.

Suddenly the Lord's holy light shinned around the garden. Poor Aziraphale looked like he was about to discorporate from terror.

"Aziraphale. Angel of the Eastern Gate."

"Yes, Lord?"

"Where is the flaming sword I gave you, Aziraphale, to guard the Gate of Eden?"

"Right. Um uh - Big, sharp, cutty thing."

"Yes..."

"Uh Oh, must have, uh must have put it down here somewhere. Um Forget my own head next. Oh, dear."

With that the Almighty disappeared and the garden was being beamed into another reality. Crawly did not stick around as he did not want to feel the piercing Holy Water clouds of heaven and went back to Hell to report on his success with the garden of Eden. But he could not forget that lovely angel no matter how hard he tried.