Warnings: Explicit usage of language.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything involving the Star Wars Universe other than a POP Poe figurine. All characters belong to their creators. Seraphine and other OCs are my personal characters unless otherwise mentioned.
Author's Note: I AM SO SORRY. I am an awful human being. I got really overwhelmed with school and attempting to write my own personal novel, and this was a really hard chapter for me to write. I have had it in my head for so long and I just needed it to be perfect. I apologize, and will attempt to be better in the future. Please let me know what you think.
We had another student killed on campus about two weeks ago. Shot and killed by some asshole who she only dated for a month. Something needs to change. That's two octobers in a row here at the U. Something needs to change. We need to do something about this.
Songs of the Chapter: Taylor Swift - Safe and Sound
Chapter Fourteen - Children No Longer, We Are No Longer Safe and Sound, No Longer Sheltered From the World
Seraphine forced herself to take step after step as she chased after him. She couldn't breathe and she felt like every step she took was in quicksand. She felt like every step she took forward was somehow forcing her back and that the distance between them would never get smaller. It was like she was moving in slow motion, like no matter how fast she ran or how far she went she just kept falling behind. Like no matter how hard she tried, all she would ever be looking at would be the square of his back. Like no matter how far she reached, she would never reach him. Like there was nothing she could do.
She felt so small. She felt like she was still a child, still scared hiding from her master. Hiding from her world.
But she also felt like there was nowhere to hide. Like she was naked to the world and every feeling her heart had would just rip into her more. Tearing her apart, ripping her father, taking all that she didn't even even know she had. Taking all she was and taking more. Till there was nothing of her left and she would be forgotten to the world.
She felt nothing and everything at the same time and all she knew is that she hurt.
He was dead.
Han couldn't be dead.
He was Han.
And it was Ben.
Her Ben.
His Ben.
The Ben they loved with all of their hearts, the Ben who had just been lost to the darkness. This wasn't Ben.
It couldn't be Ben.
Not her Ben.
The Ben that she missed every day, but it was if that Ben was gone.
It was if someone had picked out everything that made Ben Ben and turned him into Kylo Ren. And that was the man she was chasing after.
When she reached the outside he was only a few steps in front of her. She was blinded by the sudden light but still screamed on the top of her lungs with all of her heart ,"Ben!"
When she was able to see again, there he was, standing directly in front of her. He was only a few steps away and yet he felt so far. She could walk up and just touch him and yet it was like he wasn't really there. Like there where whole galaxies between them and no matter what she would try, that she would never be able to reach him. That nothing she did mattered.
But she knew he was. Here he was, after all of this time. Just staring at her. Staring at her with those beautiful blue eyes.
"Ben." She softly repeated herself. The armor she was wearing might have been able to take shots from blasters, but it gave her little protection from his glare. There was such a hatred there, in a place that had once held so much love and kindness all she could see was hatred and pain. He hated her. And he had full reason too.
"Seraphine." Kylo Ren spat out as if her name was acid in his mouth. "I see that you are on their side." He had named her. He had given her the power of having a name, that a name meant that she mattered. He was the one who taught her that she mattered, who taught her that she was something. He was the one that had given her her name. He meant so much to her, and yet he spoke like she was nothing to him.
"I'm not on anyone's side, Ben. I just want the war to end." Seraphine replied crossing her arms in order to hide just how much her hands were shaking. She was okay. She would be okay. She could do this. "I just want the suffering to stop, for the people to be free of death. I'm not on anyone's side."
"Well you certainly not on mine."
"You are the one standing all the way over there." Seraphine shot back and they just looked at each other.
"You are the one who pushed me away." Kylo Ren replied, refusing to back down.
Seraphine looked at him shocked, "After you murdered all of those kids!"
"You never bothered to get my side of the story." Kylo Ren shouted with enough force to make Seraphine to take a step back. "You just called me a monster and now you feel guilty. Now you are here trying to fix your mistake, trying to make everything better."
"I know you Ben, this isn't you. You aren't a monster, and you don't want to hurt people. I know you."
"You know nothing." Kylo Ren snarled, raising his hand up and throwing Seraphine into the wall behind her. Seraphine struggled back to her feet, coughing and ignoring the intense jabbing pain in her ribs. She shakily took a few steps forward advancing from her previous question. "You betrayed me. Again. You took their side last time, and you took their side again. You betrayed me." He threw her against the wall and this time kept her there, his hand tightening until she felt the force around her neck and started to gasp for air.
Just as her vision began to fade and the darkness began to creep around the corners, he dropped her. Struggling to fight for every breath she crumpled onto the ground, the cold piercing her lungs. "You betrayed me." Kylo Ren repeated, as she pushed herself up onto her knees.
Kylo Ren used the force again to throw her back into the wall a third time, screaming, "You betrayed me."
Seraphine stumbled back up to her feet clutching her side and forcing the air in out of her lungs, struggling to take every breath. She looked at him, watched him, without saying a word. Suddenly she was being pulled forward.
And then his hand was wrapped around her throat. "You betrayed me." He hissed, his hand tightening around her neck as she attempted to break out of his grip. Still struggling she looked into his eyes. Looked into eyes and remembered the boy he once was. The boy she had loved with all her heart. The innocent and kind boy he once was. She looked into his eyes and for the first time truly saw the truth. That kind sweet boy was gone. That boy was dead. And he had been replaced by the broken man in front of her.
She couldn't save him. She wished she could. She truly wished she could. She would give anything and everything she had to be able to go back, to go back to save him. To not turn away when he was hurting, to not have turned away when he needed her most. She was so stupid. She was such a stupid kid. She should have known better. She should have trusted him. And then maybe he wouldn't have done this. It was all her fault. She turned him not what she had become.
She would have given anything to save him. Anything for him to be safe and sound.
She looked him in the eyes and stopped struggling. She slowly reached up to cradle his cheek and accepted her fate. She couldn't do anything to save him. So if she were to die, it made sense that it would be by his hand. The hand that had pulled her out of hell to be the one to put her back in it. She should have saved him. This was her punishment she deserved it.
And then she was on the ground again, gasping for air. She stared up at him, attempting to speak but unable to. Unable to force the words out of her throat no matter how hard she tried too. She was trying so hard to speak, but she didn't know what words she was trying to say. She didn't know what she could say, she didn't know how to fix this. But she wanted to try. But her body was betraying her and the words were being choked back into her throat. She slowly reached her hand up towards him, and he turned and walked away without a word.
She tried to scream his name but nothing came out. Her voice was silent and everything hurt so bad. Every breath she took the cold air stabbed her again and again. She tried to scream his name but nothing came out, her arm crumpled back to the ground, her hand grasping at the cold snow beside her, looking for something, for anything, to hold onto.
She couldn't even cry.
She couldn't remember the last time she ever cried. She had learned so long ago not too, to not show weakness that she had forgotten how to. She laid there in the snow, watching it scream around her and the sun grow weaker and weaker. Soon it would be gone. And then they would all be dead.
She just wanted to die. She just wanted this all to be over. She just wanted to be free from her pain, to just exist in nothingness. She had tried so damn hard. She had tried to fucking damn hard. She had tried to do everything right. She had tried to run. She had tried to fight. But none of it mattered. Nothing she did mattered. She just wanted to die.
She just wanted to die.
She just wanted to die.
She just wanted it all to be over.
She just didn't want to hurt anymore.
She just wanted to be safe.
She just wanted to be a child, to be the safe innocent child that she had never been given the chance to be.
She just wanted to be free.
She just wanted it all to be over.
She just want to die.
She slowly raised her hand again, grasping at the air as she fought for each and every breath. She stared at her hand, as the wind danced around her. An x-wing and a group of tie-fighter screamed over her and she caught sight of the ring since on her middle finger.
She could still feel his heartbeat. He was still up there. He was still fighting. They were all still fighting. There was a war still being fought. There were people still dying, there were people still left to be saved.
Innocent people. Innocent children. All far more innocent than her. Far more innocent than she had ever been. They didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve any of this. It was her fault.
She had failed. But they didn't deserve to die because of her failures. They didn't deserve to live the life full of suffering and pain as she had. And if she could take their pain. If she could take her pain, if she could add it to her own, so that they might live happy lives then wouldn't it all be worth it. If she could just save one person, then wouldn't it all be worth it. She hurt so bad. But she could take their pain. She could save them.
She couldn't save Ben.
But she sure as hell could kill him.
She would kill him.
She would kill him and save the universe.
She would kill him or she would die trying.
So she couldn't die now. She couldn't die now, she had to keep on fighting. She had to keep on trying.
She needed to live. She need to fight.
She would die one day.
But that day was not to day.
She slowly rolled onto her side and forced herself onto her knees. Staggering, she placed on foot after the other on the ground and forced herself to stand, her lungs gasping for air no matter how much it hurt. She would live. She stumbled over her own feet but stood strong. She would live.
Dying would be too easy. She would live. That was the punishment fitting for her. She would live.
She slowly looked around and found herself completely surrounded by stormtroopers, their blasters raised. She didn't have any of her blasters. There were about twenty of them, all with their weapons raised.
She would die.
Just not today.
She slowly pulled two blades out of their sheaths on her belt.
"Alright boys. Let's play."
Author's Note: So yah. I apologize for my lack of motivation, it is existing in all fields of my life. I just want to give up, but I keep on trucking. I keep on trying. All of your support really helps, I am so grateful for every single review, follow and favorite. You guys all mean the world to me and I am so grateful for everything. I will try my best to resume my writing again, and your guys reviews will greatly help that. Everytime I see an alert on my phone I just can't help but smile.
On a more serious note, please stay safe in this dangerous world. If you are in an unhealthy relationship or you know someone who is, please know that there is support. Please know that there are people who care. There are resources to protect you, to help you, to support you and there are people who love you, people who will care for you, and people who will fight for you. Lauren didn't know who she was dating and after she found out she broke up with him. And she died for it. We have to protect each other, stand together with our brothers and sisters because none of us are alone. It is a scary world out there, but none of us are alone and we need to band together to stand the pain. Keep fighting and protect each other. Stay safe and always know you are loved. Never forget that, no matter what happens, never forget that.
Sneak Peek Into Chapter Fifteen
"Black leader, there is a brand new hole in that oscillator. Looks like our friends got in." Yolo Ziff called, causing Poe to rip his eyes off of the battle in front of him and look down onto the planets surface. Time was running out, they had less than a few minutes and it couldn't have happened at a better time.
"Red Four, Red Six, cover us." Poe ordered.
"I'm on it." Red Four, Lieutenant Bastian, responded.
Red Six, Ello Asty, chimed in with a "Rodger."
"Everybody else, hit the target hard, give it everything you've got." Poe turned his X-wing into a sharp dive towards the surface, his men following closely behind him. This was going to be the only chance they had, with the seconds ticking down, this had to be done now or else all would be lost.
He could feel his heartbeat accelerate as he forced himself to calmly take breath after breath. This was it. This is the time he was waiting for. The time that he never felt more alive.
She was alive. He could feel her heartbeat. He needed to do this now. He only hoped that she would get off the planet on time. He had his mission, he had hers. She just better make it out of this alive, then it would all be worth it.
He carefully ducked down avoiding each of the blasts coming his way but there were just too many of them, "I need some help here, I need some help." He needed to complete his mission. He needed to complete his mission. He needed to.