Ah, Egypt. Land of the stupid fucking morons who worshiped crocodiles. Crawly was only here because he had heard that God had sent a man named Abram and his wife Sara here and in order to no get killed for having a hot wife he lied about being her husband and said he was her brother. Then men started courting her and Abram got all jealous and was apparently getting kicked out. This was hilarious and Crawly just had to see it.
But once he arrived he found something a lot better to occupy his time. Aziraphale was watching the pyramids being built by slaves and he saw him wringing his hands. Oh yeah. Something was up.
He opened his wings and flew where Aziraphale was standing before retracting them and landing on a thump in the sand causing Aziraphale to jump.
"What are you doing here?"
"Seeing what the fuss was about over this Abram guy. Ha! Did he really say his wife was his sister?"
"Well yes, but God is calling him so it is best not to make fun of him. It is all part of the ineffable plan and it is not something to be mocked over."
Crawly rolled his eyes. Aziraphale was once again doing that annoying watching human suffering and wanting to do something about it but couldn't because of the ineffable plan and all that other bullshit thing. Maybe he was more angry over the fact the angel simply did not seem to notice him. Then a thought crossed his mind.
"There is this brilliant new thing called alcohol angel. And I hear Egypt has some fine tastes you may enjoy. I know how much you like eating."
This got the angel's attention and he turned with a puzzled look on his face.
"I never told you I liked eating."
Okay so maybe Crawly did watch Aziraphale from a safe distance where he couldn't sense him and one of his favorites was how amusing and carefully the angel ate. He savored every flavor and it was just too amusing to not be viewed. He was getting insight on the enemy so all is well that ends well.
"Well, I just assumed because you seem to be so apart of human culture and worrying about them all the damn time."
"Tasteful phrasing."
"Glad you like it!"
"But I suppose you are correct. I do enjoy the various things humans have done to food. Especially their tasty whipped delicacies"
Oh, this was good. Crawly would be able to watch Aziraphale eat up close. That is if he agreed to it.
"Egypt has some of those too but I don't eat so I will have to pass."
"But you eat this alcohol stuff? Or do you simply expect me to do all the eating myself?"
"It is a drink and it is a fucking good drink. Makes the humans go all loopy. I have tried it many times before and it is great. It is like being halfway in between sleeping and waking. The demon Davea helped bring it about."
Alarm bells seemed to go off in Aziraphale's head when Crawly mentioned that last bit.
"Oh no, you don't willy serpent! You are not about to tempt me to drinking something a demon created."
"Well, she didn't create all of it. She just helped with the drunkness and sloth part."
"No way. Hell will freeze over before I allow myself to have my soul be corrupted by some demon drink."
"Demon drink? I highly doubt it will corrupt your soul. Besides, you are an angel who can't do the wrong thing. Won't some divine force pull it out of your hand if you try and drink it?"
"I suppose so."
"And besides if you don't like it you can always miracle it out of your system. It is what I do rather than deal with bowl movements. Surely you don't do that either?"
"No, I find the whole bowel movement thing tedious so of course I miracle the food out of my system."
"So?"
"So what?"
"Are you gonna come try alcohol or are you just gonna sit here and being boring?"
"What is your game demon?"
"I have absolutely no idea what you are referencing."
"An ulterior motive? Why else would you invite me on a lunch date?"
"fjerojijv! This isn't a lunch date!"
"Well what every you wish to call it!"
"Well it isn't a luch date I know that for sure."
"I don't trust you. Be gone foul fiend."
Aziraphale turned back to the pyramids as though he were watching a presentation and needed to get every detail right. Crawly really wanted the angel to come with him for some unknown reason but whatever it was he needed to think of something fast. Oh yeah.
"What if I paid?"
"We both know we can miracle currency or any other trading good out of thin air. If you are trying to do some sort of bribe for whatever evil thing you are up to it isn't working."
"Oh come on! I saved your ass so many times!"
"I had it under control!"
"About to be tortured by Beelzebub the actual Prince of Hell is having it under control?"
"If you just came here to mock me you can leave now!"
"Come on angel!"
"I said no Crawly!"
"I am not gonna take that for an answer."
"I can see that."
Crawly sighed deeply. This was working. From what he had known about the angel Aziraphale didn't seem to have very many friends. He wasn't the only angel on earth as he had come across multiple pairs by now and he never saw Aziraphale interact with any of them. Even other Principalities. He knew angels socializing among each other wasn't uncommon although they certainly didn't eat together or worry about humanity as much as worrywart Aziraphale he knew that much.
It was a stretch and maybe he was just projecting his own feelings and need for companionship onto Aziraphale but maybe just maybe he could use jealousy just like Hannya used to torture the wayward souls in Hell. Being lonely and knowing people were together should do the trick. This was a vulnerability he could prey on. He needed to get insight into the enemy was all.
"Alright, you win. Just so you know I can go and drink alcohol at any demonic Hellish party I want and they have them often so I guess this goodbye."
He wasn't lying. They really did have demonic parties to test out new temptations. He was invited to them all the time because he was in the upper sphere of demons due to his exaggerated memos and abilities. Did he attend them all? Of course not. Demons were a violent bunch and being hate raped over a table was not his idea of fun.
"You party with demons?"
Oh. He was lonely. Crawly could hear it in his voice.
"Yeah, I do. Hannya the demon of envy and Davea the demon of partying and drunkness have the best. I do enjoy them. We party for days at a time. Did you really think I was alone? I mean you saw me with Beelzebub the Prince of Hell, Hastur a duke of Hell and his Hellish servent Ligur and Satan the king of Hell."
"So you are powerful and important?"
"Yup." Not really. He was disposable but Aziraphale didn't need to know that. He just wanted to some conversation with beings who won't cut off his corporation's right arm if they said anything too revealing about how they really felt about Hell and Satanic politics. Aziraphale also seemed to know a lot about earth and the demons couldn't ever seem to keep up. Well, that was mostly just Hastur who still hadn't wrapped his mind around the wheel let alone a whole pully system. He was kept around to help him mostly know about human society and customs but mostly their technology.
"Well then if you have so many demonic friends why don't you go and ask them to do alcohol?"
"They aren't my friends! I am a demon! We don't have any friends!"
"Whatever you wish to call them. It would be far more appropriate than asking your hereditary enemy."
"But I am a demon and I like breaking rules. Rules were meant to be broken."
"And I am an angel and I enjoy following the rules."
"That why you are so lonely then? Because you follow the rules?"
Aziraphale grew quiet at this and Crawly felt he had maybe gone too far with that last bit. Aziraphale was good at concealing his emotions as was Crawly. Maybe that was why he could read him so well.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have preyed on your weaknesses like that. I really do just want to have lunch with you minus the eating part. No tricks. No traps."
Aziraphale whipped his head around in surprise. Crawly knew it was because demons never ever ever said sorry and especially not for using a weakness because that was just what demons did.
"Right so just forget it." Crawly turned to walk away but was surprised when he felt a super soft hand wrap around his wrist stopping him. He turned to Aziraphale.
"Fine. I will try some."
A wide grin began to spread across Crawly's face.
"But only a little bit. And only if you try date balls and honeycombs."
The grin didn't stop till it reached his ears.
"Willy serpent."
There were teeth in the smile now.
"Don't think anything of this nor will this become a regular occurrence."
"Whatever you say, angel."
They moved down towards the town and people began widening their eyes at the pair and backing away in fear. At first, Aziraphale didn't know why before he looked up at Crawly and remembered. His eyes. Poor thing must have been so lonely and desperate to come to an angel for companionship.
They found a vendor who was selling the date balls and honeycombs and the dude looked like he almost had a heart attack looking at Crawly.
"Yeah sure. You can have whatever you want. Please just don't hurt my family!" He outstretched the plate with the treats on it and Aziraphale thanking him and attempted to had him the coins but the man refused to take them with Crawly next to him.
"Oh, he won't hurt you." Aziraphale said trying to ease the man's anxiety. It didn't work.
Crawly found the whole thing amusing and he had grown accustomed to it. What he wasn't expecting was Aziraphale to lean down and place a hand on the man's forehead. He mumbled something and the palm of the hand glowed underneath and the angel whispered something. The man instantly relaxed and accepted the coins. Aziraphale thanked him and they went on their way.
"So what kind of occult stuff was that?"
"I am an angel! We aren't occult. We are ethereal."
"Okay, whatever you want to call it. What was it?"
"And let an enemy in on high-risk angelic secrets? I think not."
"You know what? Let's just get drunk."
When they got to the place they sat down at a table. The place was crowded and it wasn't hard to get a seat because Crawly went to a table and flashed his eyes with a harsh "Get up!" Causing the pair to bolt.
They sat down with their alcohol and sweets and Aziraphale mumbled "Was that really necessary?" to which Crawly replied "Yeah. I am a demon it is what I do."
They sat down and Crawly immediately started on the alcohol. Chugging away like there was no tomorrow.
"Hey slow down! You said you were gonna try the honeycombs!"
Crawly looked down in disgust.
"Do I really have to eat that disgusting thing?"
"I am drinking this so yes you do."
"Don't pretend you don't like it."
"Alright. I will admit I enjoy the flavors of this drink."
Crawly grinned mischievously. "Just wait until the real kicker starts."
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
With that Crawly lifted one the honeycombs and groaned in aggravation when the honey began spilling everywhere including on his cloak. He looked up and saw Aziraphale beaming at him. He literally looked like the sun with those beautiful blonde curls and soft blue eyes full of excitement. With that, any doubt Crawly had about eating was chased away and he bit into the comb and honey spilled everywhere. The sweet sensation punched his tongue and caused him to gag.
"That is disgusting! How the hell do you like this stuff?"
Aziraphale laughed as Crawly snapped his fingers to clean up the mess.
He watched Aziraphale eat them with a lot more delicacy than he did. He marveled at how the angel loved his food. His suspicions were right. Watching him eat up close was even better.
As the drinks went into Aziraphale he became way more relaxed and his anxiety had left his face. He looked soft and like he was genuinely having a good time. Crawly was having a blast.
The angel turned out to be hilarious and had picked up corny jokes he had learned from the humans. Apparently the angels were just as stiff as Crawly remembered so the angel had bottled this up. He had the prettiest smile Crawly had ever seen.
When they left and were quite drunk they stumbled into the street the stars lined the sky and went up to a hill where they sat under a palm tree. There they sobered up. And the familiar fear and suspiciousness of each other came over them. With that they split but knew that something had changed about their views of each other. They just didn't know what.