Day 9: Shirou — A Black Heart
Shirou stood near the center of the cavern of the Greater Grail. In front of him was the central mass of the chains which carpeted the space, a great twisted bulk of black metal pulsing with curses. At the base, it was shaped into the seat of a throne; currently empty, as the two Avengers were locked in ineffectual combat with one another a short distance away. The top of the throne stretched up into the air as a lone pillar, at the top of which the limp forms of Ilyasviel and Sakura were bound back to back. And above them, two black suns pulsing with malevolence: the Grails, waiting to be born. They were slowly increasing in size and rising further into the air. When they rose through the cavern roof and into the air above the mountain, they would begin spewing forth cursed mud, and Fuyuki would once more taste the fires of hell. The tragedy of ten years ago would be repeated, but on a greater scale; this time, the curses would not stop until they engulfed the entire world.
Shirou could hear the sounds of battle from behind him. His friends and allies were fighting, possibly dying, in battle against the Dark Servants. His instincts screamed that he should turn and run to their aid, but he couldn't. All of them had placed his trust in him and were willing to offer up their lives for the plan to stop the Grails; so abandoning his role would be a betrayal of their devotion. So, Shirou didn't allow himself to be distracted. Ignoring the sounds of carnage behind him, he focused all his attention on the opponent before him: the final obstacle standing between himself and the throne.
"Kirie Kotomine." Shirou said.
"Shirou Emiya." Kotomine said.
The priest had cast off his robes, showing off his muscular physique. Though he was not pierced by one of the False Avenger's chains, a cursed darkness still stained his chest over his heart. The tainted flesh throbbed with a regular rhythm, but it was different from the pulses of energy that flowed down the False Avenger's chains: his blackened heart was beating to the tune of the true Grail rather than the false one.
"You know why I've come here." Shirou said.
"If you wish to destroy the false Grail, be my guest." Kotomine said. "But I will not allow you to touch the container of Angra Mainyu."
"Why?" Shirou said. "You know it's evil, so why do you want such a thing to be born into this world?"
"Because I sympathize with it." Kotomine said. "You call it evil; but is it truly evil if it is simply being true to its nature? After all, it is exactly what it was born to be. It was never given a choice in the matter. Fire burns, and water drowns; yet we do not apply moral judgement to them because they are simply behaving according to their nature. Likewise, we should not despise Angra Mainyu for doing precisely what people wished for it to do, what they created it to do. Even if its only pleasure is the agony of others, even if its very existence does nothing but bring suffering to the world... I believe that it deserves to be born. That it is not a sin to be born into this world, regardless of one's own nature. And so, no matter what pain it brings, I will protect it, and bless its birth. That is my duty as a priest... and the answer to the meaning of my own life."
"And just for that, you're willing to sacrifice the entire world?" Shirou demanded. "I'll never allow such a thing to happen. If you're going to stand between me and the Grails, then I'll defeat you with my own hands."
"If you wished to destroy the Grails, there was an easier way." Kotomine said. "You could have ordered Saber to use Excalibur as soon as she entered the cavern. It might not have defeated all of the corrupted Servants, but it would have been enough to kill Sakura and Ilya. Without their vessels, the curses would not be able to be born. Simply through the sacrifice of a mere two lives, you could have saved the world. That's what Kiritsugu would have done."
"I am not my father." Shirou said. "He told me that a hero can't save everyone. But I don't accept that. I will never accept that. I won't sacrifice my friends for the world. I will save my friends and the world!"
"But even so, your ideal remains impossible." Kotomine said. "You can save your allies, but you cannot save your enemies. You cannot save Angra Mainyu... and you cannot save me."
"It doesn't sound like you want to be saved." Shirou said.
"That is incorrect." Kotomine said. "What else do I seek, if not my own salvation? But that is not something you can provide. Only Angra Mainyu can give me an answer to the contradiction that is my life."
"I've spoken to him." Shirou said. "He didn't impress me much."
"Not Servant Avenger." Kotomine said with a laugh. "He is nothing but a scapegoat chosen as a sacrifice by humans afraid of bearing the responsibility for their own sins. I refer to the curse he bears: the irredeemable existence born from the peoples' desire for an enemy who could be hated and despised without guilt or reservation. That which is called All Evils of This World."
Shirou could not respond to that. The curses within the Grails could not be allowed to be born into the world. In order for everyone to be saved, it would have to be destroyed. But in order to achieve that, those who had allied themselves with it would also have to be destroyed. This was the contradiction that Kiritsugu had warned him of: even a hero cannot save everyone. He can only save those who he has sided with.
His ideal was impossible.
My life...
But then, he'd known that from the start.
My whole life...
Even if it was an impossible ideal, he'd still fight for it.
My whole life, was...
His mind was filled with countless swords. An endless conflict. The beauty of the ideal he strove for, and the cruelty of the reality that denied it. He would forever be fighting, both against the world and against himself. That was the undeniable truth of Shirou Emiya's existence.
My whole life was Unlimited Blade Works.
Shirou ignored the words that strove to undermine his determination and gazed at Kotomine with eyes of fire and steel. The priest understood his resolve and nodded in acknowledgment.
"Do you remember what I told you the first time we met?" Kotomine asked.
"Yeah, I do." Shirou. "Rejoice, Shirou Emiya. Your wish will finally be granted."
"That moment has come." Kotomine said. "We will fight, hero versus villain, your wish versus mine. Whoever survives may claim the Grail and do as he sees fit. Will this world be blessed, or cursed? Will Angra Mainyu be born, or die in the womb? The clash of our wills will determine everything."
Shirou nodded. He understood, as only one who had lived his life as a sword could.
"Prepare yourself, Kirie Kotomine." he said. "I'm coming to crush your wish."
Kotomine raised the cross he wore around his neck to his mouth and kissed it.
"Prepare yourself, Shirou Emiya, to accept and suffer All Evils of This World."
A single moment passed in silence, then Kotomine lunged forwards. He crossed the ground between them in a single smooth motion, as though he had been fired from a cannon. Shirou recognized Kotomine's stance as a form from the Chinese martial art of Bajiquan; but enhanced by magecraft to a level that could only be described as superhuman. Shirou didn't even have time to think about dodging the closed-fisted strike which shattered his sternum and burst his heart inside his chest. It should have been an instant death. But Shirou only staggered backwards from the blow for a moment, then regained his footing. There was the sound of steel grating on steel as countless swords tore through his flesh, replacing the damaged portion of his body. Then the blades knitted together and melted, becoming new muscle and bone, and Shirou's heart began beating once more.
"Interesting." Kotomine said. "Could that power be... Avalon? Yes, Kiritsugu used it as well when he fought me ten years ago. You truly are his successor."
Shirou spit blood. From that first strike alone, he could tell that he had no chance of defeating Kotomine in unarmed combat; the priest would overpower him and smash his brain, which even Avalon would not be able to repair. Therefore, his only route to victory was to use Projection to create a weapon with which he could prevail over his opponent. He could already see it before his eye: Saber's most treasured possession, the perfect sword than shone gold in his dreams. That was, without a doubt, a holy sword capable of destroying all evil, a kingly weapon which would never falter against Kotomine: Caliburn.
"Trace–"
Shirou began running energy through his magic circuits, beginning to construct the basic framework of the weapon. However, the moment he began his incantation, Kotomine surged forwards once more. Shirou tried to draw back in order to give himself time to complete the Projection, but Kotomine's leg hooked his and held him in place as the priest unleashed a punch that scattered the energy Shirou had gathered in his hands. This blow was an uppercut; one with such force that it would not break his jaw, but smash straight through and pulverize the inside of his skull.
Shioru barely managed to twist his head aside from the fatal blow. Feeling Kotomine's knuckles graze his cheek, he reached out desperately with his mind for a weapon. He didn't have the time or composure to recreate that grand and faultless sword, so he reached out for anything he could fight with, anything at all–
And found Kanshou and Bakuya nestled in his hands, as though they belonged there. He hadn't even restarted his incantation yet; these twinned swords had coalesced out of the remnants of the power Shirou had accumulated to forge Caliburn. It seemed he had some form of natural affinity for these weapons; while nowhere near the level of power as Caliburn, their simple structure made it almost second-nature for him to will them into being with only the slightest of effort.
Shirou immediately swung Kanshou at Kotomine, aiming to take his head off. However, Kotomine's reflexes were astonishing With his left hand, he grabbed Shirou's wrist and twisted his arm until his elbow popped, causing the blade to fall from his has numb hand, then stomped on it with such force that it shattered to pieces. Shirou responded by swinging Bakuya from the other side, but Kotomine ducked under it by dropping into a crouch; then delivered a vicious kidney-punch to Shirou's side. Shirou gritted his teeth in pain as he felt the organ rupture under the impact of Kotomine's inhumanly strong fist, but did his best to ignore it; as long as he could keep his head intact, any other damage would be undone by Avalon. He had to be a sword – feeling no pain, existing only to strike at the enemy, no matter the cost!
Shirou raised one knee, then launched a powerful kick for Kotomine's groin. Kotomine managed to partially turn and take the impact on his outer thigh instead, then delivered a second and even more brutal kidney-punch to the same location. The still-healing organ was pounded to a mush a second time, and the pain was too much to block out. Shirou wet himself, but not with urine; he uncontrollably pissed blood. Off-balance and in agonizing pain, it would have been easy for Kotomine to finish him at the moment – but Kotomine was also staggering back, clutching the hand he'd punched Shirou with. It had been horribly mutilated, lacerated so badly that the bone was exposed in places. As one, the combatants looked to Shirou's side, where Kotomine had punched him: in that spot, Shirou's skin had been replaced by metal scales. No, not scales: swords, countless tiny overlapping swords with exposed razor-sharp edges. Kotomine's attack, intended to damage to inside of Shirou's body, had done so regardless of the metal covering; but punching through that mass of swords had taken a toll on Kotomine's flesh.
"That is certainly an unusual body you have." Kotomine said mildly, observing the blood dripping from his mangled hand. "Whoever attacks you must put their own life at risk."
"I don't understand it myself." Shirou said. "But this is who I am. I've always been this way. My body... is made out of swords!"
"I see." Kotomine said. "This is not the effect of Avalon. Or rather, the healing effect of Avalon is being altered due to the influence of your Origin. The Origin of Shirou Emiya must be Sword. You are one who creates swords. Your body is a Magic Circuit specialized for that function alone. A body made of swords — yes, there can be no doubt. If only you had possessed the resolve to turn your mind into swords as well. Then you would have been unstoppable."
"My ideals are stronger than steel!" Shirou shouted.
Kotomine flexed his injured hand a few times, then tightened it back into a fist. Blood leaked from it, but the grimace that filled his face spoke of determination more than pain. Like Shirou, he viewed his body as a disposable tool; and so, even without Avalon to heal him, he would not hesitate to pound his hands into the metal thorns of death sprouting from Shirou's body.
"Then show me!" Kotomine demanded. "Come, Shirou Emiya! Attack!"
Shirou materialized another Kanshou and threw it at Kotomine. However, the priest was already lunging forwards again, ducking under the blade and launching another brutal uppercut. This time, Shirou wasn't able to pull back fast enough, and the punch connected; he felt his lower jaw shatter and teeth go flying as his head snapped back. He hadn't managed to dodge the blow entirely, but he'd blunted the force enough to prevent it from taking his head off. Shirou slashed wildly wish Bakuya, desperate to fend the priest off long enough to heal. Kotomine easily backed out of range of the clumsy swing – then Kanshou came hurtling back at him from behind. The paired swords were drawn to each other like magnets, and the blade Shirou had thrown earlier was now being called back towards its twin. By some preternatural instinct, Kotomine sensed the sword approaching his back and managed to twist his body out of the way, but it still clipped his arm and cut a deep gouge that sent blood spraying.
Shirou's lower face was a mass of agony, his tongue being grated by the multitude of swords that was re-forming his lower jaw, but he had enough awareness left to recognize an opening when he saw one. Raising his empty hand, he caught the returning Kanshou, then bore down on Kotomine with both blades swinging. Kotomine roared and surged forwards to meet him. One of Kotomine's fists connected with Kanshou, and the sword shattered; pieces of it spun away along with two of Kotomine's fingers. Undaunted, Shirou pressed forwards with Bakuya, but Kotomine performed a snap-kick which smashed the blade to pieces.
As Shirou had feared, those swords weren't strong enough to stand up to Kotomine. He needed a more powerful weapon. Visualizing Caliburn once more, Shirou spit blood as he spoke through a mouth full of razors:
"Trace–"
But Kotomine reacted instantly to the incantation, launching another punch. Shirou immediately broke off the Projection and raised his hands to protect his face, but the priest's upward strike with his good hand was only a feint – he drove his mangled hand into Shirou's stomach. The force of the blow lifted Shirou up off his feet and launched him backwards. Shirou hit the ground, rolled, and quickly leapt back to his feet. Miraculously, he still had breath in his lungs – surely the priest had been aiming for his solar plexus, to drive the air from his body and prevent him from speaking the incantation for his magecraft. Kotomine was capable of fighting through his pain, but his body wasn't without limits – the damage he'd sustained was weakening him. Shirou could do it; he could win.
"Trace–"
Kotomine dashed forwards again. Shirou was watching his hands, but this time Kotomine lashed out with his feet. He stomped on Shirou's leading foot, crushing it into the ground, then brought his knee up into Shirou's groin. Shirou's world went white with pain as he toppled backwards. He couldn't see anything through the agonizing haze of pain, but was certain that the priest would be pressing forwards, intent on crushing his head. Wildly, desperately, Shirou lashed out with a kick. It would have been a futile gesture, bouncing harmlessly off Kotomine's leg – but Shirou's foot, having been so recently crushed, was now a bristling mass of swords. Kotomine let out a gasp of pain as his thigh was flayed to the bone, and toppled to the ground as well as his leg gave out under him.
For a moment, the two combatants lay on the ground next to each other, both gasping in pain. Then, simultaneously, they rolled away from each other and struggled back to their feet. They stared at each other, gasping in pain; Kotomine's clothes stained with blood, Shirou's shredding on the countless swords erupting from his skin. Kanshou and Bakuya were in Shirou's hands again; he didn't recall Projecting them, must have called them forth instinctively. They came to him so easily, yet Caliburn remained beyond his grasp...
And finally, Shirou realized. The holy sword Caliburn was the embodiment of an unattainable ideal, a dream too beautiful to exist in the harsh reality of this cruel world. As soon as Shirou had decided to kill Kotomine, he had admitted to himself that becoming a hero of justice who saved everyone was actually impossible; and so that perfect sword had become something he would never be able to grasp again. Its golden light was something that he would forever strive for, but would never reach.
Yet, those hands will never hold anything
But even if his ideal was impossible, Shirou couldn't give up. He had to find a way to push beyond his limitations. To kill Kotomine, Shirou needed a weapon that was "real" to him; something that he could imagine himself attaining in this dirty and imperfect world. Kanshou and Bakuya could be projected with ease, but they weren't strong enough. He needed a weapon that would certainly kill without fail. The embodiment of a certain, inescapable death, which could neither be avoided nor blocked.
After a moment, an image appeared within his mind.
"Trace, on." Shirou said.
Kotomine, as always, rushed forwards to interrupt him. Shirou flung both Kanshou and Bakuya at the oncoming priest, freeing his hands for his new Projection; Kotomine blocked the spinning blades with his forearms, pushing onwards through the attack. He knew that the battle turned on Shirou's Projection, was prepared to make any sacrifice to disrupt the process. But this time, he wouldn't be fast enough, because Shirou had finally understood. He had been performing Projection incorrectly from the beginning. It was the same mistake he had made with his Magic Circuit. Before Rin had corrected him, Shirou had gone through the long and painful process of creating a new Magic Circuit each time he wanted to use magic, not knowing that he could have just used the one he already possessed. Likewise, when he wished to project a sword, he had gone through all the steps of judging the concept of creation, hypothesizing the basic structure, duplicating the composition material, imitating the skill of its making, sympathizing with the experience of its growth, reproducing the accumulated years, excelling every manufacturing process...
But all of that was unnecessary. Shirou didn't need go through all the steps to project a sword; because within him, there already existed a world that contained infinite swords.
"I am the bone of my sword."
In the world that reflected his heart, Shirou selected the weapon that he needed, and pulled it forth.
So, as I pray...
"This is the end, Kirie Kotomine...!" Shirou shouted. "Gae Bolg!"
With all the strength remaining in his ravaged body, Shirou cast the spear at his opponent. The mythic lance cut a graceful arc through the air as it sailed towards Kotomine. The priest had only a moment to register the weapon's deadly tip driving directly towards his heart – but that moment proved enough. Springing into motion in an instant, as though his body reacted without need for thought, Kotomine slid out of the way of the weapon. The legendary spear of piercing death thorns passed harmlessly by the priest, who took advantage of Shirou's surprise to bring his hands down in vicious chops against Shirou's shoulders. Even with his incredible endurance, Kotomine couldn't help but yell in pain at the brutal impact of his savagely maimed hand against Shirou's body – but the attack had achieved its result. Both of Shirou's shoulders were dislocated by the force of the attack, causing his arms to fall limp. He could no longer protect his head, which meant Kotomine's next attack was certain to destroy his brain and finish him.
"A valiant effort, Shirou Emiya; and for that, I honor you." Kotomine said, his breath ragged. "However, it seems your abilities were not up to the task. I thought for a moment that victory was yours, when you managed that Projection... but it seems it was only a second-rate counterfeit, as the original would never have missed."
Kotomine centered himself in front of Shirou, clenched his good hand into a fist, drew back his arm, lined up a perfect punch that would shatter Shirou's skull... and then the spear's red tip erupted from his chest, punching through him from the back and piercing the center of his heart. Kotomine looked down in astonishment, blood dripping from his mouth.
"Indeed, it is only an imitation, but it still functions quite well." a voice said.
Standing behind Kotomine was the True Lancer — Cu Chulainn, hero of Ireland and Servant of Bazett Fraga McRemitz. He had caught the spear thrown by Shirou and thrust it into Kotomine's back.
"Bazett's Lancer...?" Kotomine asked in bafflement. "She told me you were slain by the False Assassin..."
"Yeah, that's what she told me as well." Shirou said. "But she later confessed that she'd been lying, holding him back as a trump card."
"Bazett always struck me as such a straightforward woman." Kotomine said, comprehension dawning on his face. "I thought I could betray her and she would never see it coming. To think that all along, she was betraying me..."
"Hey, cut the lady a little slack." Lancer said. "When she contacted you for help, she really did think I was going to die from my wound. Then you proposed that whole distasteful scheme for her to cozy up to Emiya and steal the Grail from him once he won it, and that didn't sit too well with her – it seemed you were just a little too comfortable suggesting such foul play. So, when I ended up recovering after all, she just decided she wouldn't mention it. Your plan didn't require me, anyways; so if you'd been on the up and up, it wouldn't have made any difference. Once the corruption of the Grail came to light, however, and it became clear that you'd been playing her..."
Lancer grabbed the shaft of the spear and wrenched it out of Kotomine's back, twirling it to flick the blood off the head. Kotomine's features settled back into his normal calm, composed expression.
"I underestimated her." Kotomine said. "It seems she listened to my advice after all. When the traitor's hand strikes... it strikes with..."
Kotomine's legs buckled, and he fell to his knees. The throbbing ball of darkness in his chest had ceased to pulse, and the black web of veins spreading from it had faded. Kotomine's false heart was crumbling away, melting back into the cursed mud of Angra Mainyu which had formed it, and his life was fading with it.
"I'm sorry that it had to come to this." Shirou said. "If there had been any other way... but the whole world was at stake. In order to save everyone else, there was no choice but to fight you. Even if it was Lancer who delivered the final blow, it was my plan for him to approach secretly and strike the most vulnerable target. So, I will accept responsibility for the sin of killing you and crushing your dream."
"Do not apologize, Shirou Emiya." Kotomine said. "You have bested me. Congratulations. What will you do now?"
"I'm going to save everyone." Shirou said.
"An impossible ideal." Kotomine said.
"Maybe." Shirou said. "But impossible ideals are the only ones worth striving for."
"Your ideals will betray you." Kotomine said.
"Even if they do, I will never regret choosing to follow them." Shirou said.
"Your suffering will be endless." Kotomine said.
"I'll endure it." Shirou said.
"Your sacrifice will never be rewarded." Kotomine said.
"I don't need a reward to do what's right." Shirou said.
"...Because that is the only way you know how to live." Kotomine said.
He nodded, as thought Shirou had confirmed something important.
"Yes... we are not so different." Kotomine said. "Empty existences, who find meaning only in others. Sinners, who know ourselves damned, and yet who strive for an unattainable salvation... Avalon and Angra Mainyu, two sides of the same coin, unreachable, ever-distant, and yet... we..."
Kotomine's strength was fading rapidly. Beneath the baleful black fire of the twin Grails, it was all too easy for Shirou to see himself back in that hell of ten years ago. He was the lone survivor amidst the sea of flames, and Kotomine was one of the countless victims whose cries for salvation would go unheard. Strangely, Shirou did not feel any hatred for this man, who had killed his father and performed countless other crimes. Kotomine really was right about him: he could not take pleasure in inflicting even the most righteous vengeance. Only saving others gave him happiness — but in this place of accursed flames, only he himself would be saved.
He could not save Kotomine from death; the last traces of light fading from the cursed mud that flowed like blood from the hole in the man's chest made that clear. His life would end in this place, beneath the malefic presence of the Holy Grail he had craved. The most Shirou could do was give him comfort in his final moments. To the man with a hollow heart, who found kinship only with All Evils of the World, Shirou offered the only thing he could: understanding.
"I don't agree with what you've done." Shirou told Kotomine. "But I understand why you did it. You just wanted happiness... in whatever form you could find it."
Seeming to take strength from Shirou's words, Kotomine managed to raise his head and look him in the eye. Though his heart was already gone, he somehow summoned the will to force a few final words out his dying throat.
"All people should pursue their own joy." Kotomine said, his voice barely a whisper. "If saving others is your only happiness... then go, Shirou Emiya, and become a hero."
The priest let out his final breath. His head dipped down, but his body remained on its knees, as though in prayer.
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