On the Back of the Turtle 2
"Are we allowed to make weapons so we can hunt for food?" Hippolyta asked.
"You are free to make anything you like," Xander replied. The two Amazon's left and Xander found his eyes following their spandex clad rears and wishing their inner beauty matched their outer beauty.
It had been several days since the Amazon incident and the two seemed to have relaxed a bit, no longer convinced he was going to demand they service him sexually, though he had heard them discussing their duty as slaves and how that was part of it. While he could do with some companionship he'd rather be alone than order anyone like that.
The fog around the island cleared away to show they had moved to the US this time, which meant Xander could a little shopping once he managed to get some money. Fortunately he had a wide array of powers that made making money relatively easy. Taking to the sky over the city (Jump City according to the signs) he scanned for anything of interest, while ignoring the people going about their lives. Over a dozen different things caught his eye but eliminating banks and private safes left three solid hits.
Xander landed in front of the police department and walked inside, drawing some attention as large pale skinned men wearing only a pair of bicycle shorts and what appeared to be moccasins weren't exactly common anywhere.
"Can I help you?" the sergeant at the front desk asked, he looked to be in his early thirties and though he still kept in shape, his hair was greying out at the temples.
Xander smiled. "I was wondering if a large amount of gold bars went missing recently, or a large collection of stolen paintings, and finally a chest filled with Confederate currency."
The sergeant perked up. "Someone hit First National two days ago, are you saying you know where that gold is?"
"Depends on the serial numbers on the bars," Xander replied.
"You got em memorized?" the sergeant asked with a smirk, "cause I doubt you got em on you."
Xander chuckled. "I can see them from here. They're in a lockbox buried in the bottom of the bay."
"Who do you think you are, Superman?"
Xander floated upwards to touch the ceiling and then back down. "He's a distant cousin actually."
"You're serious?"
"Yep. See I'm not a superhero or anything, but I'm here till sundown and broke off my ass. So I figured I'd help you and collect any rewards offered."
"Broke?"
"Got dumped on an island in the middle of nowhere naked," Xander explained. "And I have to return by sundown to the same island. Magic's involved, don't ask."
"Let me get a detective," the sergeant said.
"Pick one with a sense of humor if at all possible, please."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Detective Riggs, white male with brown hair, in his early twenties looked in the back of the SWAT van they'd borrowed. "Come on cracker, make with the directions."
"Hey!" Detective Murtaugh shouted at his partner. "I don't want to have to attend another sensitivity training class because of you." The older black detective turned to look at Xander. "Sorry about that, sir. What should we call you?"
Xander tried to resist, he really did but he found himself giving a heroic pose with his hands on his hips. "They call me… The Coon!"
Riggs fell over laughing while Murtaugh just groaned and rested his head on the steering wheel. "Only two more years til retirement," he muttered.
"You're alright," Riggs said. "I thought being some sort of superior life form to us mere humans meant having your sense of humor removed."
"Superior?" Xander asked confused. "Where did you get that idea?"
"Aren't you Kryptonian?" Murtaugh asked.
"Distant relative," Xander assured him. "But even if I was a full blooded Kryptonian it wouldn't mean I was superior."
"You're part human?" Murtaugh asked.
"Distant cousin of Kryptonian and human with some added stuff," Xander explained.
"How the hell did that happen?" Riggs asked.
"I'm not sure of the specifics," Xander admitted, "but at some point I'm guessing tequila had to have made an appearance."
"Please tell me you have a name I can use that won't land me in a racial sensitivity course," Murtaugh begged as Riggs laughed.
"Xander," he replied. "And head towards the beach."
"You really broke?" Riggs asked as they drove off.
"Yep. I have nothing in the way of cash just some odds and ends that have washed up on the beach and two Amazons."
"Amazons?" Riggs asked.
"One snuck onto my island and tried to murder me in my sleep just because I was male," Xander explained. "It's complicated."
"Fair enough," Murtaugh said giving Riggs a look that made him shut his mouth.
"Where'd that island come from?" Riggs asked when they reached the beach as he spotted what appeared to be an actual tropical island next to the Teen Titan's island in the middle of the harbor.
"That's mine," Xander replied.
"How does that work?" Riggs asked before Murtaugh could stop him.
"It moves about and I have to return to it. Let's just say the gods are strange and leave it at that."
"Stop asking him questions," Murtaugh ordered Riggs. "You know normal people can lose their minds trying to figure that shit out."
"I know, I know!"
"And I am far too old to start wearing spandex!"
"Ok, Ok," Riggs apologized. "Jeeze pops, watch the blood pressure." He climbed out of the van followed by the others.
"Where's the gold?" Riggs asked.
"Buried under a couple of feet of mud," Xander replied. "Let me get it for you."
Riggs waved him forward and Xander floated out over the bay before plunging straight down a dozen feet out.
"I'd look pretty good in spandex," Riggs said making Murtaugh groan. "Crazy ass, crackers."
"Hey, only we can use that word," Riggs said trying and failing to keep a straight face.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
The chief of police was waiting for the three when they returned several hours later. "Detective Murtaugh, did everything pan out?"
"Yes sir," Murtaugh replied. "We've recovered the gold from the robbery, what appears to be a lost shipment of stolen artwork from the early twenties, and a chest from the civil war that was probably going to pay a group of mercs from Canada."
"What I don't get is how you could see through the lead lining in the box of gold or the walls of that cave in the lead mine," Riggs said, finally figuring out what was bugging him.
"I'm only a distant cousin of Superman," Xander reminded him. "He can't see through lead, I can."
"So your vision is stronger than his?"
"Nah, I just have a different blind spot."
"Can you do that heat vision thing he does?" Riggs asked curiously.
"Nope," Xander shook his head. "He can spot weld while mine just freezes things. "
"Bummer."
"I'll let the Titans know they can stop looking for the gold," the chief said. "See if you can track down who owns the paintings now."
"What about the chest of Confederate treasure?" Murtaugh asked.
"It's been well over a century, finders keepers," he said bluntly.
"Three way split?" Xander suggested.
"You found it," Riggs pointed out.
"I'm not greedy," Xander said. "Besides, I'm only here until midnight and then it's back to Fantasy Island for me and god only knows where it'll end up next."
"Museum or coin shop?" Riggs asked.
"Museum," Murtaugh suggested. "Even if we don't get as much it has historical value."
"I'll leave you three to it," the chief said before leaving.
"Who's up for Chinese food?" Riggs asked.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Xander was lying on his rock, still dressed in only spandex biker shorts like he had been the day before, but a solar powered slushee machine hummed quietly behind him. A green skinned rhino ran past being chased by an angry Amazon wielding a fine hardened wooden spear, her breasts bounced nicely as she bounded past clad only in spandex shorts. A few seconds later a bald black cyborg ran past followed by a flying woman with orange skin and pupil less green eyes.
Xander sipped on his cherry slushee unconcerned.
It was nearly an hour and several laps later that Robin and Raven arrived with Queen Hippolyta.
"I'd like to have a word with you," Robin, the leader of the Teen Titans growled out.
"Really? About what?" Xander asked noting the lead lined pouch on Robin's belt holding a pair of green glowing brass knuckles.
"Kidnapping!"
"I haven't kidnapped anyone."
"The Queen of the Amazons."
"My slave."
"Slavery is illegal in the United States," Robin started off.
"You aren't in the United States at the moment," Xander replied. "You are standing on my sovereign territory, uninvited."
"Starfire and myself have not set foot upon your soil," Raven quickly interrupted, floating several feet off the ground.
"A technical loophole, but an acceptable one," Xander allowed.
"Slavery has been banned in all civilized countries in the world for a reason, it's barbaric and morally indefensible," Raven said.
"The two Amazons are my slaves because a pair of kindhearted women asked me to find a punishment for their attempted murder of me, while I lay sleeping upon this very rock, that avoided bloodshed. I believe the United States still allows capital punishment, so I suppose I could be civilized and kill them."
"Why are they topless?" Robin asked, quickly changing the subject wanting time to figure out the right approach to put his plan into action.
"I don't know," Xander admitted. "I haven't asked."
The two Titans turned to the silent queen, their question obvious.
"Why wouldn't we be?" she asked, Greek culture having very little in the way of nudity taboos.
"So really, enslaving them was just a punishment for their actions and they have no real use for you?" Raven asked, trying to get a handle on his motives.
"That does sum things up nicely," Xander agreed.
"Could we challenge you for them?" Robin asked.
"How do you mean?" Xander asked, using the confusion of his multiple mindsets to hide his emotions from the empath, as their entire plan seemed pretty obvious to him, but looked fun so he decided to play along.
"I'll fight you one on one, knockout or ring out in a circle," Robin replied. "If I win you let them go."
"And what if I win?" Xander asked. "It's only fair to have an equal stake in the game."
"Then I become your slave," Robin said.
"You wouldn't look half as good in bicycle shorts," Xander disagreed. "Plus there are two of them."
"But you don't really have any use for them," Raven argued. "So I'd like to place myself as the wager in this game, as I believe I'd look much better in bicycle shorts."
Robin's jaw couldn't have gotten any lower without being dislocated.
"That is a very good point," Xander agreed.
"You shouldn't risk yourself for me," Hippolyta said as she approached. "The punishment we've received was approved of by the gods, besides he defeated our entire nation in the blink of an eye."
"I have faith in my teammate," Raven said loyally.
"Is the wager acceptable?" Robin asked.
"Yes," Xander said thoughtfully. "I believe Raven's company is of equal or greater value to that of the two Amazon's I currently have. If you would care to gather your friends as witnesses, we'll make a couple of circles in the sand and begin."
Raven levitated Beast boy out of Artemis' reach on their next lap.
"Come down here and die!" Artemis yelled at the floating green skinned teen.
"What did he do?" Xander asked.
"He assaulted me!"
"He tripped and fell face first into her chest," Cyborg explained. "Of course it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been…distracted."
"Would you agree that's what happened?" Xander asked.
"It's not my fault!" Beast boy squealed.
"I feel…unclean," Artemis said with a shudder. "He left teeth marks around my nipple."
Xander sighed. "As a way of apology you have to build her a bath, because even if it was by accident it was practically sexual assault. There are some hotsprings on the north side of the volcano. I'd suggest a Japanese onsen unless you think you can finish off a Grecian bath before sundown."
"Why sundown?" Cyborg asked.
"The island moves randomly at night and I can't guarantee it'd be anywhere close to the US again anytime soon."
"I'm not that great at building things," Beastboy admitted. "I made a birdbath once and the city condemned it."
"I'll help," Cyborg said, handing a pouch of small silver orbs to Robin.
"I also will lend my aid," Starfire said.
"Will an apology bathhouse make up for his clumsiness?" Xander asked.
"I… I suppose it will, though I would much rather make him eat his own liver," Artemis said grudgingly, as she considered some of the talks she'd had with her queen and fellow slave lately.
"Good," Xander said. "DO you feel this is an unfair punishment for your unintentional assault on her?" he asked Beastboy.
"Nah, this is much better than eating my own liver," Beastboy replied quickly.
"Excellent. Let me know if there are any problems."
After the four had left Robin considered Xander's actions. "You seem really concerned with being fair."
"Power can corrupt you if you let it," Xander explained. "And I've got far too much power not to be concerned with that. As long as I never let myself fall into a 'might makes right' mindset I'll probably be ok, but just to make sure I try and ensure all my actions are fair."
"I just hope you're not a sore loser," Robin said.
Xander laughed while Raven smoothed out a thirty foot circle in the sand using her powers. "If I lose I get my own bathhouse and some peace and quiet. I'll do my best to win, but losing won't upset me."
"Good," Robin said unclipping the lead lined pouch on his belt and tossing it to Raven, much to Xander's surprise. "On three?"
"Yeah," Xander agreed curiously, wondering why Robing was throwing away his only real chance to win.
"One!" Raven called out as they stared across the circle at one another.
"Two!" the two tensed.
"Three!" she called out and Robin threw the pouch he'd gotten from Cyborg up in the air where it exploded, filling the air above them with floating silver spheres.
"I think we'll be on a lot more even ground now," Robin said as beams of light shot from sphere to sphere until they were all connected…and the world took on a crimson hue.
Xander threw back his head and laughed. "That was brilliant. You've talked to the police and found out I was part Kryptonian and could see through lead. Kryptonite brass knuckles were just a red herring so you could get me in a circle under a red sunlight filter, which would depower anyone who draws energy from a yellow sun, while Kryptonite is somewhat hit or miss."
"Exactly," Robin said. "The most dangerous weapon there is, is the mind itself. Do you yield?"
Typing by: The Last Primarch!
Disclaimer: I aslo don't own the Lethal Weapon series.