"Ugh! Angel, you are killing me with all these things I have to remember to take to the Dark Council."
They were in Aziraphale's tent which was bland but had been attempted to be decorated with various Egyptian stylized patterns and traits. Crawly liked the feel as it was homey and felt safe. Though whenever he was around Aziraphale he felt this way. He couldn't quite explain it. It was as though there was a fire that was just the right amount of warmth within the angel. Must have been an angel thing.
"Well, it's not my fault. I didn't make the rules."
"But your lot are the ones who came up with them didn't they?"
"Well, I am not brought up during these matters. I am only a Princepatility after all. "
"So you keep saying."
"Do you want this information or are you going to just keep talking?"
"Sorry angel. Please continue."
"So first there was this whole issue about servants so new laws were put in place. If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free. "But if the servant declares, 'I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' 6 then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life. "If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners because he has broken faith with her. If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money."
"That just sounds like slavery with more steps."
"It is rather but regulated as to damage as fewer people as possible. Besides they are freer than the slaves of Egypt."
"I still don't buy it."
"Anyways then there was the whole matter of murder. Expanded upon so innocent people aren't accidentally put to death. And also planning a murder is the same as murdering now."
"I see."
"And of course killing your parents is illegal too. Apparently there were some messed up sons killing their elderly parents to get land and money. Imagine that."
"I don't have to imagine. Demons convince people to do this stuff all the time. Greed is like a favorite choice weapon of the forces of Hell."
"Kidnapping carries the same punishment as murder."
"I would hope so."
"Also anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death."
"Woah! That escalated quickly."
"Well Crawly people have been abusing the elderly for some time now and-"
"Yeah I get it. Demon remember? Go on."
"Right. So If people quarrel and one person hits another with a stone or with their fist and the victim does not die but is confined to bed, the one who struck the blow will not be held liable if the other can get up and walk around outside with a staff; however, the guilty party must pay the injured person for any loss of time and see that the victim is completely healed. Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property."
"Geez. So slaves don't have any rights here."
"Oh they do."
"But not as much as a free person."
"No. I guess not."
"It just is pretty crazy to me to see your side promoting slavery."
"We aren't promoting it. Controlling it. Outright banning it would only make it more comon."
"Whatever you say angel."
"If people are fighting and hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows. But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise. An owner who hits a male or female slave in the eye and destroys it must let the slave go free to compensate for the eye. And an owner who knocks out the tooth of a male or female slave must let the slave go free to compensate for the tooth."
"Well at least there are limits to how much a person can beat a slave."
"The point is to make having a slave so hard to own that it phases out."
"Okay. And what if it doesn't?"
"Then Heaven will do something about it down the line. It is all part of the Great Plan. It's ineffiable."
"I see."
"If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. But the owner of the bull will not be held responsible. If, however, the bull has had the habit of goring and the owner has been warned but has not kept it penned up and it kills a man or woman, the bull is to be stoned and its owner also is to be put to death. However, if payment is demanded, the owner may redeem his life by the payment of whatever is demanded. This law also applies if the bull gores a son or daughter. If the bull gores a male or female slave, the owner must pay thirty shekels of silver to the master of the slave, and the bull is to be stoned to death."
"So no throwing babies into pits full of bulls and betting to see how long which baby lasts."
"Crawly!"
"I am only joking Aziraphale. You know I have a soft spot for children."
"If anyone uncovers a pit or digs one and fails to cover it and an ox or a donkey falls into it, 34 the one who opened the pit must pay the owner for the loss and take the dead animal in anyone's bull injures someone else's bull and it dies, the two parties are to sell the live one and divide both the money and the dead animal equally. However, if it was known that the bull had the habit of goring, yet the owner did not keep it penned up, the owner must pay, animal for animal, and take the dead animal in exchange."
"Well seems fair. Not that I care about fair. I am a demon after all."
"Whoever steals an ox or a sheep and slaughters it or sells it must pay back five head of cattle for the ox and four sheep for the sheep. If a thief is caught breaking in at night and is struck a fatal blow, the defender is not guilty of bloodshed; but if it happens after sunrise, the defender is guilty of bloodshed."
"So wait until sunrise to commit grand theft bull."
"Well, I would hope not. Humans get pretty violent when it comes to things like this."
"They are greedy little bastards."
"Anyone who steals must certainly make restitution, but if they have nothing, they must be sold to pay for their theft. If the stolen animal is found alive in their possession—whether ox or donkey or sheep—they must pay back double. If anyone grazes their livestock in a field or vineyard and lets them stray and they graze in someone else's field, the offender must make restitution from the best of their own field or vineyard."
"More about stealing. These rules seem quite specific angel. Don't tell me people are already taking advantage of each other like this?"
"I am afraid so."
"Yikes!"
"You are a demon. Shouldn't you know this?"
"Well, I don't know every little thing a demon does or temptations that are committed around the world just as you don't know every good thing Heaven does."
"If a fire breaks out and spreads into thornbushes so that it burns shocks of grain or standing grain or the whole field, the one who started the fire must make restitution."
"Didn't God speak to Moses through a burning bush?"
"Did you just interrupt me to bring up something irrelevant?"
"Sorry. Please continue."
"If anyone gives a neighbor silver or goods for safekeeping and they are stolen from the neighbor's house, the thief, if caught, must pay back double. But if the thief is not found, the owner of the house must appear before the judges, and they must determine whether the owner of the house has laid hands on the other person's property. In all cases of illegal possession of an ox, a donkey, a sheep, a garment, or any other lost property about which somebody says, 'This is mine,' both parties are to bring their cases before the judges. The one whom the judges declared guilty must pay back double to the other. If anyone gives a donkey, an ox, a sheep or any other animal to their neighbor for safekeeping and it dies or is injured or is taken away while no one is looking, the issue between them will be settled by the taking of an oath before the Lord that the neighbor did not lay hands on the other person's property. The owner is to accept this, and no restitution is required. But if the animal was stolen from the neighbor, restitution must be made to the owner. If it was torn to pieces by a wild animal, the neighbor shall bring in the remains as evidence and shall not be required to pay for the torn anyone borrows an animal from their neighbor and it is injured or dies while the owner is not present, they must make restitution. But if the owner is with the animal, the borrower will not have to pay. If the animal was hired, the money paid for the hire covers the loss."
"More on this. I keep remember all these differnet case scenarios."
"Well I do."
"But you are an angel so it makes sense. But I am a demon."
"If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins."
"So rape isn't allowed?"
"No Crawly rape isn't allowed."
"Sex is gross. I don't get why the humans like it so much."
"A form of intimacy I suppose. In their defense, it is a cold dark world out there."
"That it is."
"Do not allow a sorceress to live."
"Fair enough."
"Crawly!"
"What? Have you seen Satanic nuns? Have you seen the crazy shit they do? Almost got my finger cut off this one time. Crazy fucking bunch."
"I still think the death penalty is a bit extreme."
"Aziraphale someone could torture you for days and you would think to put that person to Death would be extreme. Some people fucking deserve it."
"Should I be insulted?"
"After all the times I rescued you from nearly dying I would say so."
"Anyone who has sexual relations with an animal is to be put to death."
"Oh, humans and their sex drives. There are at least ten demons in Hell per strange fetish."
"I still think it is rather disgusting. Why would anyone-"
"Don't. Even. Ask."
"Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the Lord must be destroyed."
"God needs to chill the fuck out."
"Crawly! You can't say things like that."
"I am a demon. I can say anything negative about God I want."
"Do not mistreat or oppress a foreigner, for you were foreigners in Egypt. Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless."
"People that hurt oppressed groups are monsters."
"Says the demon."
"Just spitting facts. Not trying to say I am against it or anything. Being a demon automatically means being for anything remotely evil."
"If you lend money to one of my people among you who is needy, do not treat it like a business deal; charge no interest. If you take your neighbor's cloak as a pledge, return it by sunset, because that cloak is the only covering your neighbor has. What else can they sleep in? When they cry out to me, I will hear, for I am compassionate."
"Another thing about money and stealing and being generous. Why am I not surprised?"
"Do not blaspheme God or curse the ruler of your people."
"Typical."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means repeatition angel. Didn't we already go over this in the ten commandments?"
""Do not hold back offerings from your granaries or your vats. You must give me the firstborn of your sons. Do the same with your cattle and your sheep. Let them stay with their mothers for seven days, but give them to me on the eighth day."
"Child sacrifices?"
"No. It just means the kids go to work in the temple."
"Oh. Well, that makes it all better than."
"Crawly if you are going to be cultural insensitive-"
"Okay. Alright. I'm sorry. Please continue."
"You are to be my holy people. So do not eat the meat of an animal torn by wild beasts; throw it to the dogs."
"Eating is disgusting anyway so no problems there."
"You just haven't found the right dish to enjoy yet."
"Well, when you find one as good as alcohol you let me know."
"Do not spread false reports. Do not help a guilty person by being a malicious witness. Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. When you give testimony in a lawsuit, do not pervert justice by siding with the crowd, and do not show favoritism to a poor person in a lawsuit. If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, be sure to return it. If you see the donkey of someone who hates you fallen down under its load, do not leave it there; be sure you help them with it. Do not deny justice to your poor people in their lawsuits. Have nothing to do with a false charge and do not put an innocent or honest person to death, for I will not acquit the guilty. Do not accept a bribe, for a bribe blinds those who see and twists the words of the innocent. Do not oppress a foreigner; you yourselves know how it feels to be foreigners because you were foreigners in Egypt."
"More on lying, being unfair and stealing. God really needs to stop repeating Herself. All this information is giving me a headache."
"Well you don't have to tell them everything. You could just summarize."
"So then why aren't you summarizing?"
"Because you have to have the full context in order to summarize."
"Fair enough."
"For six years you are to sow your fields and harvest the crops,but during the seventh year let the land lie unplowed and unused. Then the poor among your people may get food from it, and the wild animals may eat what is left. Do the same with your vineyard and your olive grove."
"Sharing is caring."
"I thought demons didn't share."
"We don't. Next law."
"Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest, and so that the slave born in your household and the foreigner living among you may be refreshed."
"So don't overwork people."
"Of course not. Relaxation breeds productivity."
"So do you get days off in Heaven?"
"Of course we do. Don't you?"
"Yes, when I get promoted which isn't going to happen because I have to memorize all these specific for every occasion save for camels flying."
"Camels can't fly."
"It's a joke. Can we get on?"
"Be careful to do everything I have said to you. Do not invoke the names of other gods; do not let them be heard on your lips."
"Again with the blasmoey. I have a feeling you are doing this on purpose just to annoy me."
"I could say the same for you."
"How am I being annoying?"
"You keep interrupting me."
"Right. Sorry. Please continue."
"Three times a year you are to celebrate a festival to me."
"Oh, fun!"
"Sarcasm will get you no where."
"I thought we were going over rules?"
"We are."
"Then why are holidays in here."
"It is part of the whole not working yourself to death rule."
"Arugh! Fine!"
"Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread; for seven days eat bread made without yeast, as I commanded you. Do this at the appointed time in the month of Aviv, for in that month you came out of Egypt. No one is to appear before me empty-handed."
"I bet you will like that one since you are always eating all the time."
"Not all the time. I do for one enjoy a good meal."
"And being a huge nerd apparently."
"I don't have to help you you know."
"Yes, I know. Please go on."
"Celebrate the Festival of Harvest with the firstfruits of the crops you sow in your field. Celebrate the Festival of Ingathering at the end of the year, when you gather in your crops from the field. Three times a year all the men are to appear before the Sovereign Lord. Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast. The fat of my festival offerings must not be kept until morning. Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the Lord your God. Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk."
"Why did you stop?"
"Because you normally interrupt me at this point to say something stupid."
"I am just practicing a learning technique. And I am a demon. Supposed to be a rebel to upstairs."
"The next part is about angels so I am skipping it."
"What? Why?"
"Because you are a demon and we are on opposite sides and this would basically be telling you our battle strategy for the region for the next century."
"Are you getting involved?"
"Of course! I am one of the only angels who lives down here constantly and has to deal with constant annoyances."
"What annoyances? I thought you liked the humans?"
"I do. I was talking about you."
"Oh come on! I am annoying but I still can make you laugh."
"Laughing with one of the Fallen is a recipe for disaster."
"Well, you are helping me now."
"The only reason is that I have faith in the Almighty and I know that even if I tell you the rules that Heaven will still succeed in their plans."
"You really believe that?"
"Of course! God is all-powerful and all-knowing. She created the world after all."
"So are there any more things I should know besides the forbidden angel stuff that I could just get out of a local civilian."
"Don't quote me on this but they are more likely to pass out from your disturbing facial features before they tell you anything."
"You aren't scared."
"I am above and past that sort of thing. I highly doubt you are going to attack me and having snake eyes isn't the scariest thing I have witnessed in my time."
"How do you know I won't attack you now?"
"Because I am of a valuable asset to you. Without me, you won't have any information to take down to the depths of Hell and do whatever demonic things you do."
"Fair enough."
"Then God reaffirmed the Covenant with the Book of the Covenant and sprinkled lamb's blood on it."
"What is it with God and lambs?"
"It is an inside joke you will have to be patient for."
"Oh cryptic. Anything to do with God's Son coming to Earth?"
Aziraphale's eyes widened in horror. "You-your side knows about that?"
"Of course."
"Did I-"
"It wasn't you angel. It was another angel."
"What other angel? Did someone betray Heaven?"
"No. The demons tortured him for four years and got it out of him and then executed him with Hellfire."
Aziraphale's face drained of all color and Crawly feared he would pass out.
"Are you alright Aziraphale? Maybe you should come outside for some air."
Aziraphale began to nervous mumble and shake his head repeatedly. He was sweating profusely and his knuckles were white. His large blue eyes darted back and forth without any focus.
"Here Aziraphale. Try standing up."
He reached out his hand but Aziraphale swatted it away. Stupid stubborn angel.
"Aziraphale you are having a panic attack. I need you to calm down. It's not even that big of a deal. Trust me. The demons are a stupid lot and most of our plans have backfired. It's not worth getting this upset over."
This didn't seem to help at all and Crawly was at a loss for what to do. The demon thing to have done would have been to have left Aziraphale in his abysmal state and hope he died from heart failure but for some unknown reason he couldn't find it in him to do it.
He sat as close as he could to Aziraphale without it being awkward or making him uncomfortable and waited for the breaths to start coming out normally. He decided it would be best not to speak and give Aziraphale one more stimulus to worry about.
He began to come down from this panic and once his breathes were normal enough Crawly said barely above the volume of a whisper "It's alright angel. Just breathe."
Aziraphale had a look of embarrassment on his face with a mixture of shame. His eyes were full of fear. Crawly put his sandals on to leave.
"Don't worry angel. You gave me information to take to the dark council so I won't tell anyone about this. Just try and relax."
With that he went out the tent flaps into the wilderness and was tempted to look back to check on the distraught angel but decided to leave him alone was for the good of both of them.