Wow, so you guys kind of liked this (if judging by your favorites/follows, thanks for that btw) I still don't know where this is going, but I hope to get an inkling soon (It may not go the way you think it will) .

Alex.

~There's something tragic, but almost pure

Think I could love you, but I'm not sure

There's something wholesome, there's something sweet

Tucked in your eyes that I'd love to meet~

- Broken Like Me, Lovely the band.

Now

May 3rd 2009.

Music was blaring through the speakers and I had a mojito in my hand, granted the college party I was currently crashing was not probably the best choice for me, but I honestly couldn't care less. There was something about not caring that helped me feel what little I could feel after loosing my entire family to a freak accident, healthy coping methods hadn't made the final cut.

The visits to the therapist had been a waste of my time, no matter how much progress she said that I had made, I still felt half dead inside. Ghost was the only thing that anchored me to the world of the living. If not for the ball of fluff, I would have chucked myself off the nearest bridge, it wasn't a bad plan, but I needed to feed Ghost.

I took a sip of my drink and got pulled into the dance floor by some drunk sorority girl, I laughed and danced my problems away, the alcohol lulling my pain for the time being, it was the only way I could feel something, anything. Otherwise I was living a numb existence.

The song changed and I realized that my cup was, once again, empty, I sighed and decided to go back to the makeshift bar and get myself a refill, the night was young after all. The bar was full of frat boys, I ignored them and winked at the bartender who placed all his attention on me. I brought his face to mine as he handed me my cup, the kiss felt like every kiss I had given in this godforsaken world, empty, flat and just boring, but the guy smiled hazily at me and I winked at him again before I disappeared through the crowd.

I could almost hear my mom complaining about my behavior, just almost, and that glimpse of hope was enough to make me down the entire cup in one swing.

"Rough night?" asked a voice to my left, I looked up and was momentarily struck by blue eyes.

It was probably the breeze of the balcony, or the noise of the city underneath us, maybe it was all the alcohol that was running through my veins, or the fact that I was so over this existence, I smiled flatly at the guy.

"Who's to say?" I asked, the guy seemed amused by my answer and I rolled my eyes before gazing down to the street, the urge of jumping festering in the pit of my stomach.

Rooftops parties were such a drag.

"You don't look too well" the guy pointed out casually, I huffed, who was this dude to say if I looked well or not, I checked him out briefly, disinterest plain in my eyes.

"We can't all look like you, blue eyes" I drawled, he chuckled and took a sip of his glass of whiskey.

"Have we met before?" he asked, I shrugged, had I met the blue eyed stranger before? I squinted my eyes at him, he looked familiar, but not overly so, I smirked at him before grabbing the glass from his hand and downing the whole thing.

"Who knows" I said as I handed back the empty glass to him, I looked down once more, the street below looked so tempting.

The wind blew again and I fixed my scarf, closing my eyes and enjoying the crisp air that made me wonder my sanity. Was I okay? Debatable, was the night pretty? It was gorgeous, gorgeous enough to die a poetic death.

I held the rail with my hands, a small smile on my face, maybe just maybe I could be with them again, we could joke about my bad decisions, about what had become of my life for the past five months, I tightened my grip on the railing, so close to be free, to be finally free from everything, I was about to take a leap when I felt something holding me back.

"Whoa, whoa" a voice said too close to my ears, I tilted my head to the side to find blue eyes, wide blue eyes that were not amused anymore, maybe slightly worried, but not a hint of amusement in them, "What are you doing?"

"Being free" I answered as if it was the simplest of things.

"Free from what?" he asked, he sounded annoyed, prettily annoyed and so blue, like the ocean.

I giggled and turned to face him, his face felt funny under my fingertips, "From life" I whispered as if it was the greatest secret, blue eyes grew concerned and I laughed.

"They're dead" I whispered against the fabric of his shirt, his hands gripped my shoulders, holding me steady, I giggled again, I hadn't been held in a while, sure people held you during sex, but blue eyes was holding me in place as the world spun around me, "I'm dead" I said and looked up at him, "I wanna be dead" I whispered, I traced his lips with my fingers and smiled, "You'll take care of Ghost"

"Ghost? Excuse me Miss, what are you talking about?" he asked, but I wasn't listening.

"Ghostie, he's fluffy and white, so white, like snow, he's my baby" I said before I felt my eyes tearing up, my baby, my Ghost, I was going to leave my baby alone in the world, tears started falling down my cheeks, "Ghost will be all alone, I'm so horrible"

Blue eyes looked concerned as he examined my face, "I think… I think that you have had too much to drink, miss"

He was probably right, or not, I could have done with another drink, push the tears away, drink away and welcome numbness, I giggled again and rubbed at my eyes. "I wanna go home" I said softly.

But then again, where was home? I wanted my mom and my dad, home was them and they were not here anymore, never again. I wanted to go home, home.

My head was pounding when I woke up next to a table, the rooftop was littered with passed out college students, I groaned as I pulled myself up and checked my purse, thankfully everything was there, even the pack of bubblegum that I always liked to keep on me. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and grabbed my sunglasses.

My memories from last night were hazy at best, I could remember the party and then little to nothing, I ran my hands through my hair and decided to leave. When I got home Ghost was there waiting for me, barking and jumping, I smiled at him and patted his head, he was still small but so cute.

I undressed on my way to the bathroom, the water of the shower was warm on my skin and I welcomed the small reprieve that it offered. My head was still pounding and I still felt like shit, but the shower lulled my emotions and cleared my thoughts a bit.

When I stepped out of the shower, everything was foggy, I grabbed my towel, basking in the soft fluffy texture of it and began drying my hair first. I wiped the mirror with the back of my hand and stared at my reflection. Gaunt lifeless brown eyes stared back at me, my once healthy tan had faded to an ashen look; I ran a hand through my damp hair and sighed.

I had to admit that I hardly looked my best, my build was slight at best and I often found myself swimming in clothes that once would have fit me perfectly, I looked even younger than my twenty six years, I barely looked nineteen, and that was pushing it. Deep inside I knew that I needed to do something, but I just couldn't bring myself to care.

I finished drying myself and grabbed a pair of underwear, then began my makeup ritual, I had become a pro at hiding everything under layers and layers of makeup, there was no need for me to look like the dead, even when I felt like it. Once I was done and actually content with my look I walked into my room and grabbed a clean pair of yoga pants and a black t-shirt. I slid in my tennis shoes and grabbed my jacket.

Ghost was already standing by the door, his harness on the floor next to him, he was just a smart pup, I smiled at him and crouched next to his side, patting him on the head, he licked my face as if he knew that I was far from alright and I couldn't help but to laugh.

"Ready to go out?" I asked, Ghost wagged his tail excitedly, I grabbed his leash and we stepped out of the apartment.

Central park was lovely, I sipped on my coffee as I walked Ghost, it felt nice to do something so trivial to take my mind off darker things. It was still a mystery to me how it was the year 2009, perhaps my entire life had been a fluke, a product of my almost drowning, I wanted to believe that so badly, but I couldn't. The pictures, the things that had happened, nothing lined up with my memories.

The doctors had told me that amnesia could be a side effect of drowning, that maybe I had brain damage from the experience. I wanted to believe them so bad that it hurt, but I couldn't, not in a world that my entire family was dead. I needed to believe that I had been the one to die, that this was my purgatory, that this was me, paying for all the wrongs that I had done while I had been alive. Besides, how could I believe them when I remembered the fact that I had been shot?

I had died, yes, but this existence? Whatever it was, it was not the life I had lived before, Alexandra Black was dead, but she hadn't die in some freak shipwreck, I had been shot, a bullet through my head and that was something that I still had nightmares about. So no, I couldn't just believe the doctors, no matter how compelling their arguments were.

Ghost whined as I pulled on his leash a little, I looked down and he had apparently been smelling some tree, I smiled at him.

"Sorry buddy" I said softly, Ghost yipped but was quick to return his attention to the tree, if only life could be that simple.

Once Ghost was done with the tree we kept walking, not a destination in mind and definitely trying to enjoy something while being sober. It was not that I liked being an alcoholic, and there was a reason that I hadn't done drugs. I was slightly scared of doing drugs, and since I had been working for law enforcement, so drugs had been a big no-no for me for all my life, so I stuck to alcohol and self-loathing.

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