Crawly never looked forward to in-person reports especially when he had to give a presentation to a horde of demons rather than Beelzebub, Hastur, Ligur, Dagon sometimes and Satan occasionally. Crawly sighed a silent breathe of relief when he heard from Ligur Satan would not be in attendance.
Apparently he was right to think demons had almost no clue what was going on in the surface world. They all seemed to think that the tribes of Isreal were still one unit. Crawly sighed internally. There were quite a few demons in the room. But he knew he had to keep us demon cool otherwise he could risk starting a riot which Beelzebub would surely find a way to dunk his head in Holy Water for it. As chaotic as Hell was it was a chaotic order which Beelzebub liked to keep it that way.
Beelzebub was sitting in the front her legs spread out and her hands clasped near her thighs. She had more flies buzzing around her boiled filled face than ever before. She seemed tired with a slight bit of annoyance.
Hastur and Ligur were also there with their usual blank stares. Honestly Crawly didn't even know why they bothered to show up if they were just going to ask dumb questions over every little thing he said and still gave that dull expression that reminded Crawly of drunk humans. They were certainly a pair that was for sure. Asmodeus had also made a mission to show up and still had half his face burnt off from his encounter with Aziraphale. Stupid dick wasn't so cocky now.
Dagon was also there leaning against Beelzebub's chair with her right him and her hands firmly crossed against her chest. She was more of a gender-fluid type flipping back and forth between the two genders and changing appearance and vocal tones more so because she was the head tortured demon and that stuff tended to freak out the human souls more so than anything. Crawly enjoyed presenting male. Kept things simple and besides women were not equal to men on earth and he had no interest in putting himself in more harm's way than Hell had already clearly laid out before him.
Crawly waited until all the demons stopped with their observe mumbling. He had brought with him three sets of rocks and three different bowls full of different crushed colored berries. Red. Blue. Orange. To make what the humans called paint. It would help with the visual demonstration part.
"Right so um-" He dipped his finger into the orange paint first. He made a little drawing of a tree. "So when the Canaanite king of Arad, who lived in the Negev, heard that Israel was coming along the road to Atharim, he attacked the Israelites and captured some of them. Then Israel made this vow to the Lord: "If you will deliver these people into our hands, we will totally destroy[a] their cities." Typical humans. Greedy bastards. Always wanting revenge and the like. Completely my doing as I have been up there the longest and did introduce them to the knowledge of evil. The Lord listened to Israel's plea and gave the Canaanites over to them. They completely destroyed them and their towns; so the place is now named Hormah." He then took his other hand and dipped his middle finger in the red paint and slithered an x over the tree.
He then went over to the next to the blue paint and made some very poor looking rivers and then used the red paint to draw up a rough sketch of the region of sorts.
"They traveled from Mount Hor along the route to the Red Sea,to go around Edom. But the people grew impatient on the way; they spoke against God and against Moses, and said, "Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!" Then the Lord sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, "We sinned when we spoke against the Lord and against you. Pray that the Lord will take the snakes away from us." So Moses prayed for the people. The Lord said to Moses, "Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live." So Moses made a bronze snake and put it up on a pole. Then when anyone was bitten by a snake and looked at the bronze snake, they lived."
Hastur scoffed. "What is the point of this story other than knowing that God is still a pushover?"
Crawly turned around and gave him a hard glare that made grown men piss themselves. "I am getting to that."
He then turned to the third rock and began doing his crude finger sketches once more. "The Israelites moved on and camped at Oboth. Then they set out from Oboth and camped in Iye Abarim, in the wilderness that faces Moab toward the sunrise. From there they moved on and camped in the Zered Valley. They set out from there and camped alongside the Arnon, which is in the wilderness extending into the Amorite territory. The Arnon is the border of Moab, between Moab and the Amorites."
He then turned back to the demons. "That is why the Book of the Wars of the Lord says: Zahab in Suphah and the ravines, the Arnon and the slopes of the ravines that lead to the settlement of Ar and lie along the border of Moab."
He then proceeded to draw a stick figure of War with the red paint. He was sure to give her angry evil eyebrows to complete the scenic view.
"Get it! War! Book of War!" Locust would have made a louder buzzing noise than the reaction the demons watching him gave him. He sighed internally. Tough crowd.
He continued with his horrendous drawings and explanation of all the different expansions being done.
"Anyways from there they continued on to Beer, the well where the Lord said to Moses, "Gather the people together and I will give them water."
He looked back and Beelzebub's right eyebrow was flinching with rage. Hastur looked like he had gone to sleep with his cold, dark unfeeling eyes and Ligur was giving him a cold hair stare. Dagon had lost instrest long ago and her ice blue eues were tracing the flight patterns of the flies around Beelzebub's head. Time to lighten the mood.
"You are really going to get a kick out of Israel sang this song:" He did quite a dramatic throat and in a mock singing voice belted out:
"Spring up, O well!
Sing about it,
about the well that the princes dug,
that the nobles of the people sank—
the nobles with scepters and staffs."
All the demons gave a disgusted look. Really tough crowd. Then again demons were the toughest crowd in existence he would give them that.
"Then they went from the wilderness to Mattanah, from Mattanah to Nahaliel, from Nahaliel to Bamoth, and from Bamoth to the valley in Moab where the top of Pisgah overlooks the wasteland."
He then proceeded to use the blue paint to paint Pollution completed with her own set of angry eyebrows.
Then Israel sent messengers to say to Sihon king of the Amorites: Let us pass through your country. We will not turn aside into any field or vineyard, or drink water from any well. We will travel along the King's Highway until we have passed through your territory. But Sihon would not let Israel pass through his territory. He mustered his entire army and marched out into the wilderness against Israel. When he reached Jahaz, he fought with Israel. Israel, however, put him to the sword and took over his land from the Arnon to the Jabbok, but only as far as the Ammonites, because their border was fortified. Israel captured all the cities of the Amorites and occupied them, including Heshbon and all its surrounding settlements. 26 Heshbon was the city of Sihon king of the Amorites, who had fought against the former king of Moab and had taken from him all his land as far as the Israel settled in the land of the Amorites. After Moses had sent spies to Jazer, the Israelites captured its surrounding settlements and drove out the Amorites who were there. Then they turned and went up along the road toward Bashan, and Og king of Bashan and his whole army marched out to meet them in battle at Edrei. The Lord said to Moses, "Do not be afraid of him, for I have delivered him into your hands, along with his whole army and his land. Do to him what you did to Sihon king of the Amorites, who reigned in Heshbon." So they struck him down, together with his sons and his whole army, leaving them no survivors. And they took possession of his land."
Beelzebub rolled her eyes. "Is this all you witnessed Crawly because we do not have time to fuck around with little human squalls that the Almighty has played the hand of fate in."
"I am not done Lord Beelzebub. May I continue?"
"Yes. Go on demon Crawly."
"RIght. So then the Israelites traveled to the plains of Moab and camped along the Jordan across from Jericho." He proceeded to draw a crude map of the area again with his finger paints enjoying this a little more than he cared to show on his face. He then made some stick figures for the characters in the story.
"Now Balak son of Zippor saw all that Israel had done to the Amorites, and Moab was terrified because there were so many people. Indeed, Moab was filled with dread because of the Israelites. The Moabites said to the elders of Midian, "This horde is going to lick up everything around us, as an ox licks up the grass of the field. So Balak son of Zippor, who was king of Moab at that time, sent messengers to summon Balaam son of Beor, who was at Pethor, near the Euphrates River, in his native land. Balak said: A people has come out of Egypt; they cover the face of the land and have settled next to me. Now come and put a curse on these people, because they are too powerful for me. Perhaps then I will be able to defeat them and drive them out of the land. For I know that whoever you bless is blessed, and whoever you curse is cursed." The elders of Moab and Midian left, taking with them the fee for divination. When they came to Balaam, they told him what Balak had said. "Spend the night here," Balaam said to them, "and I will report back to you with the answer the Lord gives me." So the Moabite officials stayed with him. God came to Balaam and asked, "Who are these men with you?" Balaam said to God, "Balak son of Zippor, king of Moab, sent me this message:'A people that has come out of Egypt covers the face of the land. Now come and put a curse on them for me. Perhaps then I will be able to fight them and drive them away.'" But God said to Balaam, "Do not go with them. You must not put a curse on those people, because they are blessed." The next morning Balaam got up and said to Balak's officials, "Go back to your own country, for the Lord has refused to let me go with you." So the Moabite officials returned to Balak and said, "Balaam refused to come with us." Then Balak sent other officials, more numerous and more distinguished than the first. 16 They came to Balaam and said: "This is what Balak son of Zippor says: Do not let anything keep you from coming to me, because I will reward you handsomely and do whatever you say. Come and put a curse on these people for me." But Balaam answered them, "Even if Balak gave me all the silver and gold in his palace, I could not do anything great or small to go beyond the command of the Lord my God. Now spend the night here so that I can find out what else the Lord will tell me." That night God came to Balaam and said, "Since these men have come to summon you, go with them, but do only what I tell you."
"And we should care about this why? We could easily be focusing you elsewhere but yet you muck around with this disgusting breed. What the fuck does this have anything to do with finding out when the Christ will be born and where corrupting souls for our master or damning those who need to be flogged endlessly with barbed wire whips set on Hellfire." Hastur grumbled.
"Patience Hastur."
"Patience is not a virtue demons are known for Crawly."
He sighed and looked back at the drawing board before making more stick figures and non-sensical dots and lines.
"Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his donkey and went with the Moabite officials. But God was very angry when he went, and the angel of the Lord stood in the road to oppose him. Balaam was riding on his donkey, and his two servants were with him. When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand, it turned off the road into a field. Balaam beat it to get it back on the road. Then the angel of the Lord stood in a narrow path through the vineyards, with walls on both sides. When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it pressed close to the wall, crushing Balaam's foot against it. So he beat the donkey again. Then the angel of the Lord moved on ahead and stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn, either to the right or to the left. When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat it with his staff. Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and it said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?" Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now." The donkey said to Balaam, "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?" "No," he said. Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown. The angel of the Lord asked him, "Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me. The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If it had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now, but I would have spared it." Balaam said to the angel of the Lord, "I have sinned. I did not realize you were standing in the road to oppose me. Now if you are displeased, I will go back." The angel of the Lord said to Balaam, "Go with the men, but speak only what I tell you." So Balaam went with Balak's officials."
Beelzebub leaned forward intrigued. "And who was this angel exactly? One of the archangels?"
"I am afraid not Lord Beelzebub although he is the Seraphim to the archangel Gabriel. His name is Sandalphon I believe."
She buzzed angerly and leaned back in her chair flies buzzed about her head more furiously as her anger grew. "And why should we give a fuck then? As Hastur mentioned talking donkeys and angels whom go about this nonsense have absolutly nothing to do with our mission."
He proceeded to continue the story anyways
"When Balak heard that Balaam was coming, he went out to meet him at the Moabite town on the Arnon border, at the edge of his territory. Balak said to Balaam, "Did I not send you an urgent summons? Why didn't you come to me? Am I really not able to reward you?" "Well, I have come to you now," Balaam replied. "But I can't say whatever I please. I must speak only what God puts in my mouth." Then Balaam went with Balak to Kiriath Huzoth. Balak sacrificed cattle and sheep and gave some to Balaam and the officials who were with him. The next morning Balak took Balaam up to Bamoth Baal, and from there he could see the outskirts of the Israelite camp."
Hastur groaned interrupting once more. "Is this story going anywhere or we just going to continue to flirt in circles until fucking Crawly has had his fill of wasting our time?"
"Well it is not the end of the story for Baalam had seven messages to give to the people from God."
Hastur began to protest but Beelzebub silenced him and motioned for Crawly to continue.
"Balaam said, "Build me seven altars here, and prepare seven bulls and seven rams for me." Balak did as Balaam said, and the two of them offered a bull and a ram on each altar. Then Balaam said to Balak, "Stay here beside your offering while I go aside. Perhaps the Lord will come to meet with me. Whatever he reveals to me I will tell you." Then he went off to a barren height. God met with him, and Balaam said, "I have prepared seven altars, and on each altar I have offered a bull and a ram." The Lord put a word in Balaam's mouth and said, "Go back to Balak and give him this word." So he went back to him and found him standing beside his offering, with all the Moabite Balaam spoke his message:"Balak brought me from Aram, the king of Moab from the eastern mountains. 'Come,' he said, 'curse Jacob for me;come, denounce Israel.' How can I curse those whom God has not cursed? How can I denounce those whom the Lord has not denounced? From the rocky peaks I see them, from the heights I view them. I see a people who live apart and do not consider themselves one of the nations. Who can count the dust of Jacob or number even a fourth of Israel? Let me die the death of the righteous, and may my final end be like theirs!" Balak said to Balaam, "What have you done to me? I brought you to curse my enemies, but you have done nothing but bless them!" He answered, "Must I not speak what the Lord puts in my mouth?" Then Balak said to him, "Come with me to another place where you can see them; you will not see them all but only the outskirts of their camp. And from there, curse them for me." So he took him to the field of Zophim on the top of Pisgah, and there he built seven altars and offered a bull and a ram on each altar. Balaam said to Balak, "Stay here beside your offering while I meet with him over there." The Lord met with Balaam and put a word in his mouth and said, "Go back to Balak and give him this word." So he went to him and found him standing beside his offering, with the Moabite officials. Balak asked him, "What did the Lord say?" Then he spoke his message "Arise, Balak, and listen; hear me, son of Zippor. God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? I have received a command to bless; he has blessed, and I cannot change it. "No misfortune is seen in Jacob no misery observed in Israel. The Lord their God is with them; the shout of the King is among them. God brought them out of Egypt; they have the strength of a wild ox. There is no divination against Jacob, no evil omens against Israel. It will now be said of Jacob and of Israel, 'See what God has done!' The people rise like a lioness; they rouse themselves like a lion that does not rest till it devours its prey and drinks the blood of its victims." Then Balak said to Balaam, "Neither curse them at all nor bless them at all!" Balaam answered, "Did I not tell you I must do whatever the Lord says?" Then Balak said to Balaam, "Come, let me take you to another place. Perhaps it will please God to let you curse them for me from there." And Balak took Balaam to the top of Peor, overlooking the wasteland. Balaam said, "Build me seven altars here, and prepare seven bulls and seven rams for me." Balak did as Balaam had said, and offered a bull and a ram on each when Balaam saw that it pleased the Lord to bless Israel, he did not resort to divination as at other times, but turned his face toward the wilderness. When Balaam looked out and saw Israel encamped tribe by tribe, the Spirit of God came on him and he spoke his message: "The prophecy of Balaam son of Beor, the prophecy of one whose eye sees clearly, the prophecy of one who hears the words of God,who sees a vision from the Almighty, who falls prostrate, and whose eyes are opened: How beautiful are your tents, Jacob, your dwelling places, Israel! "Like valleys they spread out, like gardens beside a river, like aloes planted by the Lord, like cedars beside the waters. Water will flow from their buckets; their seed will have abundant king will be greater than Agag; their kingdom will be exalted. God brought them out of Egypt; they have the strength of a wild ox. They devour hostile nations and break their bones in pieces; with their arrows they pierce them. Like a lion they crouch and lie down like a lioness—who dares to rouse them? May those who bless you be blessed and those who curse you be cursed! Then Balak's anger burned against Balaam. He struck his hands together and said to him, "I summoned you to curse my enemies, but you have blessed them these three times. Now leave at once and go home! I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded." Balaam answered Balak, "Did I not tell the messengers you sent me, 'Even if Balak gave me all the silver and gold in his palace, I could not do anything of my own accord, good or bad, to go beyond the command of the Lord—and I must say only what the Lord says'? Now I am going back to my people, but come, let me warn you of what this people will do to your people in days to come." Then he spoke his message: The prophecy of Balaam son of Beor, the prophecy of one whose eye sees clearly, the prophecy of one who hears the words of God, who has knowledge from the Most High, who sees a vision from the Almighty,who falls prostrate, and whose eyes are opened: "I see him, but not now; I behold him, but not near.A star will come out of Jacob; a scepter will rise out of Israel. He will crush the foreheads of Moab,the skulls of all the people of Sheth. Edom will be conquered; Seir, his enemy, will be conquered, but Israel will grow strong. A ruler will come out of Jacob and destroy the survivors of the city." Then Balaam saw Amalek and spoke his message: "Amalek was first among the nations, but their end will be utter destruction." Then he saw the Kenites and spoke his message: Your dwelling place is secure, your nest is set in a rock; yet you Kenites will be destroyed when Ashur takes you captive." Then he spoke his message: Alas! Who can live when God does this? Ships will come from the shores of Cyprus; they will subdue Ashur and Eber, but they too will come to ruin." Then Balaam got up and returned home, and Balak went his own way."
Beelzebub shot up from her seat eyes widened.
"Was that part of the battle strategy you mentioned when you told us the rules of the Israelite tribes to keep beings like us out?"
"Yes, it is."
She snapped her fingers and two ushers appeared one with paper and the other with a satchel of sorts. She told them what Crawly had set and they wrote it down.
"Our Lord and Master Satan must be told about this at once! Take it to him without delay!"
"Yes, Lord Beelzebub." The two small toad looking things mumbled before poofing into thin air.
She turned to Crawly. "Well, I never thought I would say this but excellent work Crawly. With this information, there is no telling what devious plans the devil himself has lined up to help divide and conquer the people."
He gave Hastur a cocky look before explaining there was more to tell. Beelzebub sat back down and told him to get on with it.
"While Israel was staying in Shittim, the men began to indulge in sexual immorality with Moabite women, who invited them to the sacrifices to their gods. The people ate the sacrificial meal and bowed down before these gods. So Israel yoked themselves to the Baal of Peor. And the Lord's anger burned against them. The Lord said to Moses, "Take all the leaders of these people, kill them and expose them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the Lord's fierce anger may turn away from Israel." So Moses said to Israel's judges, "Each of you must put to death those of your people who have yoked themselves to the Baal of Peor." Then an Israelite man brought into the camp a Midianite woman right before the eyes of Moses and the whole assembly of Israel while they were weeping at the entrance to the tent of meeting. When Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, saw this, he left the assembly, took a spear in his hand 8 and followed the Israelite into the tent. He drove the spear into both of them, right through the Israelite man and into the woman's stomach. Then the plague against the Israelites was stopped; but those who died in the plague numbered 24,000. The Lord said to Moses, "Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, has turned my anger away from the Israelites. Since he was as zealous for my honor among them as I am, I did not put an end to them in my zeal. Therefore tell him I am making my covenant of peace with him. He and his descendants will have a covenant of a lasting priesthood, because he was zealous for the honor of his God and made atonement for the Israelites." The name of the Israelite who was killed with the Midianite woman was Zimri son of Salu, the leader of a Simeonite family. And the name of the Midianite woman who was put to death was Kozbi daughter of Zur, a tribal chief of a Midianite family. The Lord said to Moses, "Treat the Midianites as enemies and kill them. They treated you as enemies when they deceived you in the Peor incident involving their sister Kozbi, the daughter of a Midianite leader, the woman who was killed when the plague came as a result of that incident."
Beelzebub nodded her head tellingly. "So it has begun already?"
"Yes Lord Beelzebub."
"Ah. Well done Crawly. I smell a promotion in the very near future."