All the tribes of Israel came to David at Hebron and said, "We are your own flesh and blood. In the past, while Saul was king over us, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord said to you, 'You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.'" When all the elders of Israel had come to King David at Hebron, the king made a covenant with them at Hebron before the Lord, and they anointed David king over Israel. David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years. In Hebron, he reigned over Judah seven years and six months, and in Jerusalem, he reigned over all Israel and Judah thirty-three years.

Meanwhile, there was a drunken demon going to watch a play for some Greek War he honestly couldn't have cared less about. But if Aziraphale was gonna act like an asshole he would just avoid him and see if the angel got all lonely. He would really feel bad now. Maybe he could make Aziraphale jealous. Could angels even be jealous?

"Crawly? I really wasn't expecting to find you here dear boy." The angel plopped down beside him and did that cute little wiggle. So much for distance and jealousy.

"Aziraphale what in the name of Satan are you doing here?" Crawly groaned into his hand with a tone of annoyance although his heart was beating to a different tone.

"Well coming to see the play of course. I heard it was rather good. The thing I love about Greeks is their creativity."

Crawly hide his grin with his hand. "You inspired them to start doing this theatre garbage didn't you?"

"Oh look, the play is starting we should be quiet now."

Now the grin had spread to a full out smile. Classic Aziraphale. Couldn't resist a good storytelling if Crawly lite it up with Hellfire and put it on a high mountain.

Not even five seconds into the play Aziraphale began talking. Granted they were at the top of the seating and away from everyone else but still. Bad theatre etiquette. Crawly didn't mind as the voice of Aziraphale brought comfort to his tortured demonic soul. Honestly Crawly had given up trying to fight it at this point. The angel was growing on him.

"Did you know that David conquered Jerusalem?"

"You don't say?" Of course, Crawly knew this but having the joy of Aziraphale explaining it to him made it all the better.

"No really! The king and his men marched to Jerusalem to attack the Jebusites, who lived there. The Jebusites said to David, "You will not get in here; even the blind and the lame can ward you off." They thought, "David cannot get in here." Nevertheless, David captured the fortress of Zion—which is the City of David."

"The City of David?"

"Anyways on that day David had said, "Anyone who conquers the Jebusites will have to use the water shaft to reach those 'lame and blind' who are David's enemies." That is why they say, "The 'blind and lame' will not enter the palace." David then took up residence in the fortress and called it the City of David. He built up the area around it, from the terraces inward. And he became more and more powerful, because the Lord God Almighty was with him. Now Hiram king of Tyre sent envoys to David, along with cedar logs and carpenters and stonemasons, and they built a palace for David. Then David knew that the Lord had established him as king over Israel and had exalted his kingdom for the sake of his people Israel. After he left Hebron, David took more concubines and wives in Jerusalem, and more sons and daughters were born to him. These are the names of the children born to him there: Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, Solomon, Ibhar, Elishua, Nepheg, Japhia, Elishama, Eliada and Eliphelet."

Crawly looked at Aziraphale and clocked an eyebrow. "Really? Anything else your precious King David has done?"

"Well since you are so interested when the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over Israel, they went up in full force to search for him, but David heard about it and went down to the stronghold. Now the Philistines had come and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim; so David inquired of the Lord, "Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hands?" The Lord answered him, "Go, for I will surely deliver the Philistines into your hands." So David went to Baal Perazim, and there he defeated them. He said, "As waters break out, the Lord has broken out against my enemies before me." So that place was called Baal Perazim. The Philistines abandoned their idols there, and David and his men carried them off. Once more the Philistines came up and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim; so David inquired of the Lord, and he answered, "Do not go straight up, but circle around behind them and attack them in front of the poplar trees. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move quickly, because that will mean the Lord has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army." So David did as the Lord commanded him, and he struck down the Philistines all the way from Gibeon to Gezer."

"Uh-huh."

"His army has also been growing too. He is getting so much support even from Hebron!"

"Really? You don't say?"

"Also David conferred with each of his officers, the commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds. He then said to the whole assembly of Israel, "If it seems good to you and if it is the will of the Lord our God, let us send word far and wide to the rest of our people throughout the territories of Israel, and also to the priests and Levites who are with them in their towns and pasturelands, to come and join us. Let us bring the ark of our God back to us, for we did not inquire of it during the reign of Saul." The whole assembly agreed to do this, because it seemed right to all the people. So David assembled all Israel, from the Shihor River in Egypt to Lebo Hamath, to bring the ark of God from Kiriath Jearim. David and all Israel went to Baalah of Judah or Kiriath Jearim to bring up from there the ark of God the Lord, who is enthroned between the cherubim—the ark that is called by the Name. They moved the ark of God from Abinadab's house on a new cart, with Uzzah and Ahio guiding it. David and all the Israelites were celebrating with all their might before God, with songs and with harps, lyres, timbrels, cymbals and trumpets. When they came to the threshing floor of Kidon, Uzzah reached out his hand to steady the ark, because the oxen stumbled. The Lord's anger burned against Uzzah, and he struck him down because he had put his hand on the ark. So he died there before God. Then David was angry because the Lord's wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah."

"Geez. Sounds a little harsh of the Almighty."

" Ah, you can't second-guess ineffability. There's right, and there's wrong. If you do wrong when you're told to do right, you deserve to be punished."

Crawly sighed deeply and Aziraphale went on.

" David was afraid of God that day and asked, "How can I ever bring the ark of God to me?" He did not take the ark to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite. The ark of God remained with the family of Obed-Edom in his house for three months, and the Lord blessed his household and everything he had."

"Oh, you mean to say David was scared of God after She went and did all that? I would be too."

"Everyone is supposed to fear God Crawly."

"Yeah. Whatever. Can we just watch whatever this shitshow is?"

"Language Crawly and I thought you hated plays?"

"Well, I decided to go off and do this since you were taking so bloody long to meet me for lunch."

Aziraphale gasped gently and put his hand over his mouth. Why did everything he did have to be so goshdarn cute?

"I'm so sorry Crawly. I completely forgot. I was writing a chronology and then had to write reports for David's deeds."

"You see this is why Heaven should do presentations like Hell does."

"You have to do presentations in Hell?"

"Yup."

"I think if I had to do that in Heaven I would pass out from nerves."

"I make a song and dance of it."

"I honestly am getting knocking knees just thinking about it."

"And my ears are bleeding from your lack of metaphors that make sense."

"Don't get me wrong we have evaluations in Heaven in front of the archangels and I must say my nerves have gone down since they have decreased in frequency."

"Why? You're an angel. You are supposed to love it up there."

"Well, the archangels can be quite intimidating. I am only a Princibitality after all."

Crawly felt anger seer up his stomach at this. And before thinking spat out "Well doesn't God consider everything part of the ineffable plan or something? So why are you saying you are only a Princibitality?" He immediately regretted it. What in the world was wrong with him?

Aziraphale stared at Crawly blankly and he saw his cheeks begin to turn a pinkish color. Must have been a demon thing.

"I suppose when you put it makes sense when you put it like that."