"So here's the thing...I really really need some kind of perfume that is going to make me irresistible to whoever smells me. Erm...no wait that sounds weird. Actually I need this person to be so absolutely enthralled by the scent going into their nose that they will do my bidding."
"Uh..." The look on the Japanese woman's face reflected one of terror and confusion. Crawly wasn't sure if it was because of his eyes or his poorly phrased question. For a demon, he was always more brutally honest than he intended to be. This wasn't because he wanted to be blunt. It was more because he sucked at lying. Unless it was to other demons and Aziraphale. Could Aziraphale sense when he was being lied to? He was an angel after all. Crawly certainly hoped not.
"So anyways perfume? For men? And persuasion stuff?"
"Um...so are you trying to court someone or what?" She was avoiding eye contact by proceeding to work on the clothing she was stitching up. Crawly honestly couldn't blame her. If someone came up to him with Hastur's eyes he would have a mini-meltdown as well.
This time was what would become known to historians as the Jomon Period and she was wearing robes and had a painted face. They called them Geisha's here. Perhaps when he went to ask Aziraphale for that favor he would dress like one of them just to see his face. He really didn't have any experience with the female body though.
"I won't exactly say that. More like manipulating someone to do what I want." Yeah. Manipulating. That was the right demonic phrase.
At this, the lady raised her gorgeous brown eyes that reminded Crawly of the desert sand at this and an almost mischievous grin appeared on her face. "So you want to get laid is what you are saying?"
"No! Nothing like that!" Sneaky dirty-minded humans. Always assuming everything was about sex.
His face must not have been that convincing because she smiled at him and said: "I didn't know Yato-no-kami needed help getting laid with beautiful women. Besides I thought that Yato no kami were killed and enshrined by a man named Yahazu no uji no Matachi during the time when Emperor Keitai was in reign and then vanished later when a man named Mibunomuroji Maro drove them away from disturbing him and his workers who were building a mote there"
Oh, so that was why his eyes scared her. She thought he was a kami spirit. And not just any kami. Yato-no-kami meaning gods of the night sword. From the Hitachi no Kuni Fudoki. He had faked being deities many times before so why not now.
"Firstly that is not at all what is going on. Secondly, you better give me what I am asking for or else...um...I'll curse your farmland or something..." Crawly really was a poor excuse for a demon. Couldn't even make a convincing threat.
"Well, he must be a not very smart Yato-no-kami. Your family doesn't even have a farm, Ahmya." Said another painted lady coming up behind her and putting a supporting hand on her shoulder. She was a lot thicker in the stomach region than the other geisha called Ahmya was. "No kami threatens my sisters without me knowing about it. What did you say you wanted again? I'm Fuji by the way."
"Crawly. I need perfume and you bitches had better give me your best stock before I burn this entire marketplace to the ground." He said through gritted teeth as he had a very heavy suspicion he was being picked on.
"I didn't know Yato-no-kami could do that," Ahmya said more with curiosity than fear which was miles off from what Crawly was aiming for.
"I told you having that no-talent hack Eiji play the main kami in Hitachi no Kuni Fudoki was a bad idea. It's drawing out all the stupid ones." snorted Fuji with an eye roll. Crawly willed his cheeks not to turn as pink as the tents surrounding them. But a play? That was perfect. Dinner and a show. Hopefully, it wasn't a sappy one although Aziraphale seemed to lap those up. What in Hell was wrong with that angel? Were they all this sappy?
"Hey, I'll make a deal with you. If you can turn yourself into a snake and prove you really are a Yato-no-kami then we will give you bottles of our best perfume." Fuji said as her eyes lite up beneath the hordes of silver-white makeup as what can only be described as an air of naughtiness. It was borderline flirtatious and making him very uncomfortable.
"Aren't my eyes enough?"
"You better start showing some scales or get lost freak eyes."
Crawly sighed a deep hissy sigh realizing he was beaten and proceeded to form his smooth skin into dark red and black scales. His robes distributed into a slick yellow belly and his tongue sliced through his form in a forked fashion. He stood himself up as tall and intimidating as he could before letting out what most grown men would be considered to be a dangerous threatening hiss. One in which you did not want to mess with the snake it was coming from. If only Aziraphale could see him now he had no doubt the angel would be doubled over with laughter. Not that he would mind of course. The angels laughs sounded like gentle waves pouring against the rocks at the harbor where the water was so clear you could see the crabs and oyster shells at the bottom. Satan, he was losing his literally God damned mind.
Rather than freaking out the two women laughed and clapped as though he had just showed them some flag trick rather than turned into the literal fucking snake of Eden. Human females. He would never understand them. He transformed back and cracked his neck and made sure he had all his fingers and toes. He then reached up and touched his nose to make sure it was still there. He hated doing that. He was always so scared that he would end up forgetting how to turn people shape. The last of his coal-black scales tucked their way into his shoulder blades leaving a very pissed off demon and two very amused painted figures. That was humiliating and he would much rather have had Hastur stick a hot poker through his chest than do that again. He wouldn't really of course but they didn't need to know that.
Fuji reached under the table and tossed him a bottle he barely caught.
"Nice show Crawly the Yato-no-kami. Hope your girlfriend likes the perfume. If you are willing to do that on the streets I can only imagine what you are willing to do in the bedroom. I must admit I am quite jealous." They both giggled in sync.
"Tha-that's not-he's not my girlfriend-"
"Oh it's a he now is it? Now that is even more interesting."
"You know what just-shut up." With that, he flicked out his raven wings and took off for Judah not even caring if the women saw him or not. It would turn up a whole nother discussion about whether or not kami could conjure up wings for the next millennium.
Needless to say he got his revenge in a werid twisted way when he almost scred the pants off Aziraphale by landing in front of him. He almost dropped his scrolls. He was so cute when he was flustered.
"Hello, angel." He said in his best seductive tone. The moon was already out over the mountains. It was full and made the curls on Aziraphale's head have a distinct white haloish glow. Satan he had missed him.
"Hello Crawly. Up to no good I suppose." That tone was a little harsher. Was he seriously still mad at him for the Elijah incident? Crawly hoped not and not just because he wanted the Amos prophecies.
"You know me so well angel. So a little birdie told me that there has been some new prophecies and I know you were there to see and deliver the entire thing and I want in."
"I have no idea what you are talking about."
"Yes you do. The words of Amos, one of the shepherds of Tekoa—the vision he saw concerning Israel two years before the earthquake, when Uzziah was king of Judah and Jeroboam son of Jehoash was king of Israel. He said: "The Lord roars from Zion and thunders from Jerusalem; the pastures of the shepherds dry up, and the top of Carmel withers." The guy is a prophet Aziraphale. You can't trick me into thinking he isn't"
"Oh alright. Yes. Amos is the next prophet. For now."
"For now? Why? Whose next?"
"None of your demonic business."
"Alright fine. I will just settle for the prophecies."
"No."
"What if I told you that I have a show we get to go see about the Yato-no-kami? We can discuss it over dinner."
This temptation seemed to be working as Aziraphale crystal blue eyes went from a hard no to a maybe. Oh yes. He could work with this.
"You know angel they have those wonderful little chestnuts that you would absolutely adore and these little rice dumplings that you can dip in this wonderful sweet sauce they serve it with. They say it is so sweet the smell alone can make human tongues drip with saliva like waterfalls."
Oh yes. It was working for sure. He could almost see the angel agreeing with him now.
"Well...I suppose...I am a messenger of the Lord...and I am supposed to...tell off evil...and I suppose this is a part of that..."
Yes. This was working well.
"Alrighty. Well it's in Japan so-"
"I know where the myth of kamis come from Crawly."
"Of course you do you fucking nerd."
"Crawly language!"
"Sorry...still a demon after all."
"Yeah. Let's just go."
When they arrived at the little restaurant Crawly had noticed when he went to pick up the perfume they got those dumplings that were a main part of Crawly's tempting. And by they I mean Aziraphale did. Crawly tried to eat some but they were a bit too thick for his throat and he had already gotten laughed at once that day. Besides watching Aziraphale eat was way more fascinating. He instead found solace in the fact that no matter where he was in the world there would always be access to alcohol.
"So Aziraphale...yah know Amaziah's good regin?"
"Yes Crawly I do. I was there remember?"
"How did you present what was happening to the God squad?"
"The God Squad?"
"Your angels you are always gushing about and the ones who caused all those kings of Isreal to have such a high turnover rate? What was it like telling em there was a good king for once?"
"Well it was just like any other heavenly presentation really."
"But I want to know exactly what you said."
"Why?"
"Because you are so precise and detailed and-"
"You just want to make sure you didn't miss any details don't you?"
"Yes...very much..."
Aziraphale shoved some of the baked peas into his mouth and hummed softly letting his eyes roll to the back of his head with pleasure as he mumbled a barly audibale "marvolous." He really was something else.
"Well, I suppose it already happened so there isn't much you can do to change it now. If you really want to know exactly what I wrote up for my report it was simple. The exact thing I said was Amaziah was twenty-five years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem twenty-nine years. His mother's name was Jehoaddan; she was from Jerusalem. He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, but not wholeheartedly. After the kingdom was firmly in his control, he executed the officials who had murdered his father the king. Yet he did not put their children to death, but acted in accordance with what is written in the Law, in the Book of Moses, where the Lord commanded: "Parents shall not be put to death for their children, nor children be put to death for their parents; each will die for their own sin." Amaziah called the people of Judah together and assigned them according to their families to commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds for all Judah and Benjamin. He then mustered those twenty years old or more and found that there were three hundred thousand men fit for military service, able to handle the spear and shield. He also hired a hundred thousand fighting men from Israel for a hundred talents of silver. But a man of God came to him and said, "Your Majesty, these troops from Israel must not march with you, for the Lord is not with Israel—not with any of the people of Ephraim. Even if you go and fight courageously in battle, God will overthrow you before the enemy, for God has the power to help or to overthrow." Amaziah asked the man of God, "But what about the hundred talents I paid for these Israelite troops?" The man of God replied, "The Lord can give you much more than that." So Amaziah dismissed the troops who had come to him from Ephraim and sent them home. They were furious with Judah and left for home in a great rage. Amaziah then marshaled his strength and led his army to the Valley of Salt, where he killed ten thousand men of Seir. The army of Judah also captured ten thousand men alive, took them to the top of a cliff and threw them down so that all were dashed to pieces. Meanwhile, the troops that Amaziah had sent back and had not allowed to take part in the war raided towns belonging to Judah from Samaria to Beth Horon. They killed three thousand people and carried off great quantities of plunder. When Amaziah returned from slaughtering the Edomites, he brought back the gods of the people of Seir. He set them up as his own gods, bowed down to them and burned sacrifices to them. The anger of the Lord burned against Amaziah, and he sent a prophet to him, who said, "Why do you consult this people's gods, which could not save their own people from your hand?" While he was still speaking, the king said to him, "Have we appointed you an adviser to the king? Stop! Why be struck down?" So the prophet stopped but said, "I know that God has determined to destroy you, because you have done this and have not listened to my counsel." After Amaziah king of Judah consulted his advisers, he sent this challenge to Jehoash son of Jehoahaz, the son of Jehu, king of Israel: "Come, let us face each other in battle." But Jehoash king of Israel replied to Amaziah king of Judah: "A thistle in Lebanon sent a message to a cedar in Lebanon, 'Give your daughter to my son in marriage.' Then a wild beast in Lebanon came along and trampled the thistle underfoot. You say to yourself that you have defeated Edom, and now you are arrogant and proud. But stay at home! Why ask for trouble and cause your own downfall and that of Judah also?" Amaziah, however, would not listen, for God so worked that he might deliver them into the hands of Jehoash, because they sought the gods of Edom. So Jehoash king of Israel attacked. He and Amaziah king of Judah faced each other at Beth Shemesh in Judah. Judah was routed by Israel, and every man fled to his home. Jehoash king of Israel captured Amaziah king of Judah, the son of Joash, the son of Ahaziah, at Beth Shemesh. Then Jehoash brought him to Jerusalem and broke down the wall of Jerusalem from the Ephraim Gate to the Corner Gate—a section about four hundred cubits long. He took all the gold and silver and all the articles found in the temple of God that had been in the care of Obed-Edom, together with the palace treasures and the hostages, and returned to Samaria. Amaziah son of Joash king of Judah lived for fifteen years after the death of Jehoash son of Jehoahaz king of Israel. As for the other events of Amaziah's reign, from beginning to end, are they not written in the book of the kings of Judah and Israel? From the time that Amaziah turned away from following the Lord, they conspired against him in Jerusalem and he fled to Lachish, but they sent men after him to Lachish and killed him there. He was brought back by horse and was buried with his ancestors in the City of Judah. So did that answer your Crawly?"
To be fair he wasn't really listening to the entire thing as he had kind of dosed out in between the not listening to prophets and be quarantined at home part. He really just liked hearing Aziraphale talk. He didn't know what it was but his voice always sounded so soft. Almost as soft as the marvelous fair blonde curls on the angel's head.
"What? Oh yeah. Totally. So Amos?"
"Yes. Amos. Well, first off there is going to be judgement on the neighbours of Isreal because they are doing evil...again." Aziraphale rolled his eyes and sighed deeply in that last part. He twisted the eating utensil into a piece of dumpling nervously.
"Okay...so what's that mean?"
"Well this is what the Lord says: "For three sins of Damascus, even for four, I will not relent. Because she threshed Gilead with sledges having iron teeth, I will send fire on the house of Hazael that will consume the fortresses of Ben-Hadad. I will break down the gate of Damascus; I will destroy the king who is in the Valley of Aven and the one who holds the scepter in Beth Eden. The people of Aram will go into exile to Kir," says the Lord."
"Well that's a bit violent."
"Oh, I'm not done. This is what the Lord also says: "For three sins of Gaza, even for four, I will not relent. Because she took captive whole communities and sold them to Edom, I will send fire on the walls of Gaza that will consume her fortresses. I will destroy the king of Ashdod and the one who holds the scepter in Ashkelon. I will turn my hand against Ekron, till the last of the Philistines are dead," says the Sovereign Lord."
"Okay well slavery is bad but what about the innocents?"
"What innocents?"
"The children."
"It's best not to speculate."
"So any other judgments coming to reign down upon the neighbors of Isreal?"
"Well yes because you see there are three more about to get the Holy axe. Or rather Sandalphon's Holy Axe."
"Who?"
"Ah never mind."
"Wait a second. He was that annoying angelic bastard who fucked everything up for all those evil kings."
"Well yes but honestly Crawly you could have spared the awful language use. Really my dear."
"I'm a demon it's what I do."
"But yes Sandalphon is the one carrying out all the judgments ever since Sodom and Gomorrah really."
"Oh? All that Holy Fire? That was all him."
"Mmmhmm."
"Fucking angels...so what are the others?"
"Oh yes. I do apologize. I got quite a off track there. This is what the Lord says: "For three sins of Tyre, even for four, I will not relent. Because she sold whole communities of captives to Edom, disregarding a treaty of brotherhood, I will send fire on the walls of Tyre that will consume her fortresses." This is what the Lord says: "For three sins of Edom, even for four, I will not relent. Because he pursued his brother with a sword and slaughtered the women of the land, because his anger raged continually and his fury flamed unchecked, I will send fire on Teman that will consume the fortresses of Bozrah." This is what the Lord says: "For three sins of Ammon, even for four, I will not relent. Because he ripped open the pregnant women of Gilead in order to extend his borders, I will set fire to the walls of Rabbah that will consume her fortresses amid war cries on the day of battle, amid violent winds on a stormy day. Her king will go into exile, he and his officials together," says the Lord. This is what the Lord says: "For three sins of Moab, even for four, I will not relent. Because he burned to ashes the bones of Edom's king, I will send fire on Moab that will consume the fortresses of Kerioth. Moab will go down in great tumult amid war cries and the blast of the trumpet. I will destroy her ruler and kill all her officials with him," says the Lord. This is what the Lord says: "For three sins of Judah, even for four, I will not relent. Because they have rejected the law of the Lord and have not kept his decrees, because they have been led astray by false gods, the gods their ancestors followed, I will send fire on Judah that will consume the fortresses of Jerusalem."
"Sheesh. And what-"
"Oh wait Crawly hold that though because Isreal's time will also be coming as well."
"Wait...Isreal...what?"
"This is what the Lord says: "For three sins of Israel, even for four, I will not relent. They sell the innocent for silver, and the needy for a pair of sandals. They trample on the heads of the poor as on the dust of the ground and deny justice to the oppressed. Father and son use the same girl and so profane my holy name. They lie down beside every altar on garments taken in pledge. In the house of their god they drink wine taken as fines. "Yet I destroyed the Amorites before them, though they were tall as the cedars and strong as the oaks. I destroyed their fruit above and their roots below. I brought you up out of Egypt and led you forty years in the wilderness to give you the land of the Amorites. "I also raised up prophets from among your children and Nazirites from among your youths. Is this not true, people of Israel?" declares the Lord. "But you made the Nazirites drink wine and commanded the prophets not to prophesy. "Now then, I will crush you as a cart crushes when loaded with grain. The swift will not escape, the strong will not muster their strength, and the warrior will not save his life. The archer will not stand his ground, the fleet-footed soldier will not get away, and the horseman will not save his life. Even the bravest warriors will flee naked on that day," declares the Lord. Hear this word, people of Israel, the word the Lord has spoken against you—against the whole family I brought up out of Egypt: "You only have I chosen of all the families of the earth; therefore I will punish you for all your sins." Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? Does a lion roar in the thicket when it has no prey? Does it growl in its den when it has caught nothing? Does a bird swoop down to a trap on the ground when no bait is there? Does a trap spring up from the ground if it has not caught anything? When a trumpet sounds in a city, do not the people tremble? When disaster comes to a city, has not the Lord caused it? Surely the Sovereign Lord does nothing without revealing his plan to his servants the prophets. The lion has roared— who will not fear? The Sovereign Lord has spoken— who can but prophesy? Proclaim to the fortresses of Ashdod and to the fortresses of Egypt: "Assemble yourselves on the mountains of Samaria; see the great unrest within her and the oppression among her people." "They do not know how to do right," declares the Lord, "who store up in their fortresses what they have plundered and looted." Therefore this is what the Sovereign Lord says: "An enemy will overrun your land, pull down your strongholds and plunder your fortresses." This is what the Lord says: "As a shepherd rescues from the lion's mouth only two leg bones or a piece of an ear, so will the Israelites living in Samaria be rescued, with only the head of a bed and a piece of fabric from a couch." "Hear this and testify against the descendants of Jacob," declares the Lord, the Lord God Almighty. "On the day I punish Israel for her sins, I will destroy the altars of Bethel; the horns of the altar will be cut off and fall to the ground. I will tear down the winter house along with the summer house; the houses adorned with ivory will be destroyed and the mansions will be demolished," declares the Lord."
"Well, that's a bit morbid."
"They are just warnings Crawly. It doesn't necessarily mean they will come to pass. This is why Amos has been given these words. So he can spread it to the people and let them know what God is willing to do if they keep these awful behaviors up."
"But still seems like something my side would do rather than yours."
"Well there is a perfectly good reason for it all explained in the prophecies shown to Amos."
"Which are?"
"It is written: hear this word, you cows of Bashan on Mount Samaria, you women who oppress the poor and crush the needy and say to your husbands, "Bring us some drinks!" The Sovereign Lord has sworn by his holiness: "The time will surely come when you will be taken away with hooks, the last of you with fishhooks. You will each go straight out through breaches in the wall, and you will be cast out toward Harmon," declares the Lord. "Go to Bethel and sin; go to Gilgal and sin yet more. Bring your sacrifices every morning, your tithes every three years. Burn leavened bread as a thank offering and brag about your freewill offerings— boast about them, you Israelites, for this is what you love to do," declares the Sovereign Lord. "I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me," declares the Lord. "I also withheld rain from you when the harvest was still three months away. I sent rain on one town, but withheld it from another. One field had rain; another had none and dried up. People staggered from town to town for water but did not get enough to drink, yet you have not returned to me," declares the Lord. "Many times I struck your gardens and vineyards, destroying them with blight and mildew. Locusts devoured your fig and olive trees, yet you have not returned to me," declares the Lord. "I sent plagues among you as I did to Egypt. I killed your young men with the sword, along with your captured horses. I filled your nostrils with the stench of your camps, yet you have not returned to me," declares the Lord. "I overthrew some of you as I overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah. You were like a burning stick snatched from the fire, yet you have not returned to me," declares the Lord. "Therefore this is what I will do to you, Israel, and because I will do this to you, Israel, prepare to meet your God." He who forms the mountains, who creates the wind, and who reveals his thoughts to mankind, who turns dawn to darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth— the Lord God Almighty is His name."
"I don't understand."
"Well don't be silly Crawly. Of course, you can't. You are a demon after all and this is the sacred words of the Lord. It's not for you to understand."
"But yet the humans are supposed to understand it?"
"Well yes, they have free will and can feel things, unlike demons."
"What do you mean feel things?"
"Oh, you know like love and happiness and joy and sorrow. They aren't like me or any other angel for that matter either because they can also feel rage and jealousy. They have choices. Options. Unlike me. Unlike you. Besides God is giving them clear instructions on how to avoid all this."
"Which is?"
"Well the words of Amos state: hear this word, Israel, this lament I take up concerning you: "Fallen is Virgin Israel, never to rise again, deserted in her own land, with no one to lift her up." This is what the Sovereign Lord says to Israel: "Your city that marches out a thousand strong will have only a hundred left; your town that marches out a hundred strong will have only ten left." This is what the Lord says to Israel: "Seek me and live; do not seek Bethel, do not go to Gilgal, do not journey to Beersheba. For Gilgal will surely go into exile, and Bethel will be reduced to nothing." Seek the Lord and live, or he will sweep through the tribes of Joseph like a fire; it will devour them, and Bethel will have no one to quench it. There are those who turn justice into bitterness and cast righteousness to the ground. He who made the Pleiades and Orion, who turns midnight into dawn and darkens day into night, who calls for the waters of the sea and pours them out over the face of the land— the Lord is his name. With a blinding flash he destroys the stronghold and brings the fortified city to ruin. There are those who hate the one who upholds justice in court and detest the one who tells the truth. You levy a straw tax on the poor and impose a tax on their grain. Therefore, though you have built stone mansions, you will not live in them; though you have planted lush vineyards, you will not drink their wine. For I know how many are your offenses and how great your sins. There are those who oppress the innocent and take bribes and deprive the poor of justice in the courts. Therefore the prudent keep quiet in such times, for the times are evil. Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the Lord God Almighty will be with you, just as you say He is. Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the Lord God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph. Therefore this is what the Lord, the Lord God Almighty, says: "There will be wailing in all the streets and cries of anguish in every public square. The farmers will be summoned to weep and the mourners to wail. There will be wailing in all the vineyards, for I will pass through your midst," says the Lord. Woe to you who long for the day of the Lord! Why do you long for the day of the Lord? That day will be darkness, not light. It will be as though a man fled from a lion only to meet a bear, as though he entered his house and rested his hand on the wall only to have a snake bite him. Will not the day of the Lord be darkness, not light— pitch-dark, without a ray of brightness? "I hate, I despise your religious festivals; your assemblies are a stench to me. Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them. Though you bring choice fellowship offerings, I will have no regard for them. Away with the noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps. But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream! "Did you bring me sacrifices and offerings forty years in the wilderness, people of Israel? You have lifted up the shrine of your king, the pedestal of your idols, the star of your god— which you made for yourselves. Therefore I will send you into exile beyond Damascus," says the Lord, whose name is God Almighty. Woe to you who are complacent in Zion, and to you who feel secure on Mount Samaria, you notable men of the foremost nation, to whom the people of Israel come! Go to Kalneh and look at it; go from there to great Hamath, and then go down to Gath in Philistia. Are they better off than your two kingdoms? Is their land larger than yours? You put off the day of disaster and bring near a reign of terror. You lie on beds adorned with ivory and lounge on your couches. You dine on choice lambs and fattened calves. You strum away on your harps like David and improvise on musical instruments. You drink wine by the bowlful and use the finest lotions, but you do not grieve over the ruin of Joseph. Therefore you will be among the first to go into exile; your feasting and lounging will end. The Sovereign Lord has sworn by himself—the Lord God Almighty declares: "I abhor the pride of Jacob and detest his fortresses; I will deliver up the city and everything in it." If ten people are left in one house, they too will die. And if the relative who comes to carry the bodies out of the house to burn them asks anyone who might be hiding there, "Is anyone else with you?" and he says, "No," then he will go on to say, "Hush! We must not mention the name of the Lord." For the Lord has given the command, and he will smash the great house into pieces and the small house into bits. Do horses run on the rocky crags? Does one plow the sea with oxen? But you have turned justice into poison and the fruit of righteousness into bitterness— you who rejoice in the conquest of Lo Debar and say, "Did we not take Karnaim by our own strength?" For the Lord God Almighty declares, "I will stir up a nation against you, Israel, that will oppress you all the way from Lebo Hamath to the valley of the Arabah."
"And what did he think of all this?"
"Who?"
"Amos."
"Well he said: This is what the Sovereign Lord showed me: He was preparing swarms of locusts after the king's share had been harvested and just as the late crops were coming up. 2 When they had stripped the land clean, I cried out, "Sovereign Lord, forgive! How can Jacob survive? He is so small!" So the Lord relented. "This will not happen," the Lord said. This is what the Sovereign Lord showed me: The Sovereign Lord was calling for judgment by fire; it dried up the great deep and devoured the land. 5 Then I cried out, "Sovereign Lord, I beg you, stop! How can Jacob survive? He is so small!" So the Lord relented. "This will not happen either," the Sovereign Lord said. This is what he showed me: The Lord was standing by a wall that had been built true to plumb, with a plumb line in his hand. And the Lord asked me, "What do you see, Amos?" "A plumb line," I replied. Then the Lord said, "Look, I am setting a plumb line among my people Israel; I will spare them no longer. "The high places of Isaac will be destroyed and the sanctuaries of Israel will be ruined; with my sword I will rise against the house of Jeroboam." Then Amaziah the priest of Bethel sent a message to Jeroboam king of Israel: "Amos is raising a conspiracy against you in the very heart of Israel. The land cannot bear all his words. For this is what Amos is saying: "'Jeroboam will die by the sword, and Israel will surely go into exile, away from their native land.'" Then Amaziah said to Amos, "Get out, you seer! Go back to the land of Judah. Earn your bread there and do your prophesying there. Don't prophesy anymore at Bethel, because this is the king's sanctuary and the temple of the kingdom." Amos answered Amaziah, "I was neither a prophet nor the son of a prophet, but I was a shepherd, and I also took care of sycamore-fig trees. But the Lord took me from tending the flock and said to me, 'Go, prophesy to my people Israel.' Now then, hear the word of the Lord. You say, "'Do not prophesy against Israel, and stop preaching against the descendants of Isaac.' "Therefore this is what the Lord says: "'Your wife will become a prostitute in the city, and your sons and daughters will fall by the sword. Your land will be measured and divided up, and you yourself will die in a pagan country. And Israel will surely go into exile, away from their native land.'"
"Shit. Poor guy."
"Yes. People often like to dismiss facts that would challenge their way of thinking and lifestyle. Besides, that wasn't the only vision he had."
"You mean there was more?"
"Yes. He went on to say: This is what the Sovereign Lord showed me: a basket of ripe fruit. "What do you see, Amos?" he asked. "A basket of ripe fruit," I answered. Then the Lord said to me, "The time is ripe for my people Israel; I will spare them no longer. "In that day," declares the Sovereign Lord, "the songs in the temple will turn to wailing. Many, many bodies—flung everywhere! Silence!" Hear this, you who trample the needy and do away with the poor of the land, saying, "When will the New Moon be over that we may sell grain, and the Sabbath be ended that we may market wheat?"— skimping on the measure, boosting the price and cheating with dishonest scales, buying the poor with silver and the needy for a pair of sandals, selling even the sweepings with the wheat. The Lord has sworn by himself, the Pride of Jacob: "I will never forget anything they have done. "Will not the land tremble for this, and all who live in it mourn? The whole land will rise like the Nile; it will be stirred up and then sink like the river of Egypt. "In that day," declares the Sovereign Lord, "I will make the sun go down at noon and darken the earth in broad daylight. I will turn your religious festivals into mourning and all your singing into weeping. I will make all of you wear sackcloth and shave your heads. I will make that time like mourning for an only son and the end of it like a bitter day. "The days are coming," declares the Sovereign Lord, "when I will send a famine through the land— not a Famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord. People will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the Lord, but they will not find it. "In that day the lovely young women and strong young men will faint because of thirst. Those who swear by the sin of Samaria— who say, 'As surely as your god lives, Dan,' or, 'As surely as the god of Beersheba lives'— they will fall, never to rise again." I saw the Lord standing by the altar, and he said: "Strike the tops of the pillars so that the thresholds shake. Bring them down on the heads of all the people; those who are left I will kill with the sword. Not one will get away, none will escape. Though they dig down to the depths below, from there my hand will take them. Though they climb up to the heavens above, from there I will bring them down. Though they hide themselves on the top of Carmel, there I will hunt them down and seize them. Though they hide from my eyes at the bottom of the sea, there I will command the serpent to bite them. Though they are driven into exile by their enemies, there I will command the sword to slay them. "I will keep my eye on them for harm and not for good." The Lord, the Lord Almighty— He touches the earth and it melts, and all who live in it mourn; the whole land rises like the Nile, then sinks like the river of Egypt; he builds his lofty palace in the heavens and sets its foundation on the earth; He calls for the waters of the sea and pours them out over the face of the land— the Lord is His name. "Are not you Israelites the same to me as the Cushites?" declares the Lord. "Did I not bring Israel up from Egypt, the Philistines from Caphtor and the Arameans from Kir? "Surely the eyes of the Sovereign Lord are on the sinful kingdom. I will destroy it from the face of the earth. Yet I will not totally destroy the descendants of Jacob," declares the Lord. "For I will give the command, and I will shake the people of Israel among all the nations as grain is shaken in a sieve, and not a pebble will reach the ground. All the sinners among my people will die by the sword, all those who say, 'Disaster will not overtake or meet us.'"
"The entire thing just seems...so terrifying."
"But there was a promise of hope at the end of it all Crawly."
"How do you mean?"
"Well the prophecy also says "In that day "I will restore David's fallen shelter— I will repair its broken walls and restore its ruins— and will rebuild it as it used to be, so that they may possess the remnant of Edom and all the nations that bear my name," declares the Lord, who will do these things. "The days are coming," declares the Lord, "when the reaper will be overtaken by the plowman and the planter by the one treading grapes. New wine will drip from the mountains and flow from all the hills, and I will bring my people Israel back from exile. "They will rebuild the ruined cities and live in them. They will plant vineyards and drink their wine; they will make gardens and eat their fruit. I will plant Israel in their own land, never again to be uprooted from the land I have given them," says the Lord your God."
"And what do you think of all this?"
"Me?"
"Yeah."
"Well I guess on the one hand I have some hope the people will listen to Amos but from the looks of it that might not happen."
"It just seems like you aren't into the whole violence thing. I mean you did give your flaming sword to Adam and Eve just because they looked cold."
"Shush! Don't say that so loud!"
"Oh right! A frog might hear and go up and tell Heaven everything!"
"This isn't funny Crawly."
"You're right. It's not. People are going to die Aziraphale. Sure a lot of them deserve it based on how terrible and cruel they have all been but not all of them deserve that fate."
"I know."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"What am I going to do? What kind of question is that? I can't do anything about it."
"Sure because if I were to count all the times you helped those humans without being told to it would be more than all my fingers and toes combined so don't act like you don't."
"I can't think about this now. I am being sent on another assignment. There is another prophet."
"Really?"
"Yes. The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: "Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me." That is where I am off to next."
"You're going to Nineveh!"
"Well yes...why? Is there a problem?"
"Um...yes! Nineveh is full of all sorts of fucking evil people. And I don't mean like the little annoying shits who rip you off for everything you have. They skin their prisoners alive and put that shit on the prison walls just for kicks and giggles!"
"All the more reason they need to hear what Jonah has to say!"
"But it's dangerous!"
"Well, that is why I am going of course. I wasn't going to let poor Jonah go by himself."
"But what about you?"
"I'm an angel. Angel don't die they only discorporate."
"But discorporation still hurts. Especially being skinned alive!"
"What do you care Crawly? We are on opposite sides. Besides, you are a demon and supposed to enjoy seeing others suffer."
"Well Dagon the torturer of souls recently marked me down on all those demonic aspects for lack of motivation so no comment there."
"So torture bores you?"
"I don't know...I guess." What else could it be? Aziraphale was absolutely right. He was a demon. He was supposed to enjoy watching humans get the flesh scraped off their backs. He was supposed to get a rush watching someone be beaten by a horsewhip within an inch of their life. But that was the thing. It disgusted him.
"Because I don't think that's what it is."
"Wait...what...why?"
"Crawly...I have known you for almost 4,000 years now and you don't seem all that malicious. You aren't-no never mind it's stupid."
Crawly felt anger rising in his chest.
"No go on. Tell me what you really think."
"It's just...you aren't like...other demons."
And that was the breaking point. Crawly slammed both his hands on the wooden table before them and stood up fast and glared at Aziraphale with such vigor while leaning close to him he actually saw Aziraphale flinch and fear jump into those blue eyes.
"Shut up! I'm like all the other demons! In fact, I can be even worse than them! I Lust after power! When I see something I want I go for it without any concern for the consequences of my actions to those around me! I practice Gluttony when I drink like an animal! I get drunk so hard I blackout in the middle of the street more times than I can count in one sitting! I am also very Greedy! I don't care about those around me! I don't care about anyone but myself! I am literally the bloody definition of Sloth for Satan's sake! I sleep all the time and just laze around! Fuck I even lie on my reports all the time just so I don't have to lift a single demonic finger! I am Wrath! I have so much anger and rage inside of me! Look at me now! I'm not like you! I don't have any angelic patience! I just have to take it out on everything around me! I am so Pride! I brag about everything! I even brag about things I haven't even done and it makes me so despicable that the demons down there...oh they just love me down there-I am a real riot! They just love my demonic Pride! I-I Envy! I Envy so much! Even about things I could just miracle myself like alcohol! But I just have to have it because I am a demon and I was put on this Earth for one reason and one reason only! To cause as much pain and destruction as possible in order to make it so the world won't be able to accept the Christ child when He arrives! I am the literal fucking serpent of Eden! So stop talking out of your ass about things you know nothing about Aziraphale!"
When he looked into those gentle blue eyes he expected many things. He expected to see anger or fear or sadness but he saw compassion and pity. He felt soft manicured hands gently and with caution lay themselves on his robed shoulders.
"It's alright my dear. You're shaking. Take a breath. It's going to be okay." Aziraphale cooed softly. It was a bit too much for him to handle. He wasn't used to this gentleness and certainly didn't want it from an angel who seemed to be bipolar on how to feel about him.
He roughly slapped the hands-off and watched Aziraphale's face transform into what can only be described as a sad understanding.
"I don't need you! Go watch your own damn play! I'm getting the fuck out of here!" He said harshly and through gritted teeth before spreading his dark wings and flying into the moonlight forests of Japan. He heard I distinct calling of his name with an apology by ignoring it. His eyes stung with tears and he landed on top of a tree when they became too much for him to bear.