"What! I don't need a partner! I have been doing just fine up on Earth by myself!" Crawly said in a distressed tone. He could not believe what he was hearing nor could he believe that a simple demonic presentation could go this wrong this fast. The entire point of taking all the credit for humanity's evil deeds was so he could explore the world himself and not have to worry about some demonic loser looking over his shoulder all the time.
"Crawly thizz haz nothing to do with whether or not your demonic deeds upon the Earth have been truly evil or not. It haz to do with training demonz. If you haven't noticed a lot of uz don't have your stamina to be around those...ugh...humanz and their...dizguzting free will and ability to do good...and all their little annoying inventionz..." Beelzebub made a face of a human after they had just tasted a lemon when she let the word "human" leave her lips.
"Well, then why do I need to have a demonic partner?"
"Becuz Crawly Isreal is about to fall and God is abandoning the people on Earth once more because Her precious little golden example civilization isn't such the perfect little place She pretends it to be. Evil is all around. You should know this by now Crawly. It is as good a time as ever to begin training other demons who are not on Earth as much as you are."
"But why can't you have the other demons who are also stationed in the four corners of the world do it? There isn't much going on with the Aztecs so I am sure Barbas would be more than happy to show whoever it is that I have the misfortune of being paired with around."
"Because Crawly they like most demons can not stand to be up there for more than a few years and often ask for substitutes so they can come down here for a couple of hundred years to torture souls and bathe within the rejuvenating fires of the Hell. In fact, you are the only demon who has been upon Earth for as long as you have. You have been up there for almost 4,000 years. And the only times you come down here are for presentations, punishment and demonic tests-hmmm..." Beelzebub grabbed her clipboard off her disgusting and messy desk piled high with papers Crawly would rather not know the contents of and flipped through them with a disgusted upturn of her brow. She reminded him of the one time Aziraphale had misplaced a scroll back when Solomon was king of Isreal and his eyebrows had reminded Crawly of two fuzzy caterpillars his Magnolias had the misfortune of allowing themselves to be eaten by. Let's just say that there were five less Magnolia plants in his secret garden he bestowed. But Crawly had thought Aziraphale was going to be discorporated by having a heart attack he was having such a bad panic attack.
"Crawly you havvven't had a zzingle demonic test zzince before the Fall."
"What? Of course I have...erm...at least I think I have...possibly..." Had it really been that long? Crawly was not prepared for whatever Beelzebub was cooking up in that disturbing head of hers for him to do to test his demonicness.
"No Crawly you havvven't."
It was a good thing demons didn't need to breathe because Crawly would have passed out a long time ago. He certainly felt light-headed about the entire situation and felt as though his world was about to fall apart. If he failed these then he would lose his position on Earth most likely and have to be back to square one as a torturer of the human and demonic souls of Hell. That did not sound like a fun experience he was looking forward to at all.
Beelzebub sighed dramatically as though there were a fly stuck in back of her throat. Knowing how the flies of Hell always seemed to swirl around her there was no telling that that was not the case. "After thiz whole mezz with Isreal is finished then we will worry about your demonic testz. For now you are to take Azmodiuz the child eater with you whereever you go."
Ah shit. That wasn't good. "But wait...I can't take Asmodeus. Why him? He's been up to Earth several times and I don't even see why he can't just waltz up there himself-"
"Crawly what I zay is final. If you dizobey or question me it won't just be me you will have to deal with."
"Okay. Alright. Fine. I'll take Asmodius with me to Earth."
"Excellent Crawly."
"Yeah. Whatever."
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
On the one hand, having Asmodius was going to suck ass. The little child eater couldn't keep his paws or in his case hooves off of any dead children. But on the other hand, Crawly was going to get to leave literal Hell. So it wasn't all bad. However, this was one of the few times he sincerely hoped he didn't run into Aziraphale. Asmodeus would tear his neck to pieces. But then again Aziraphale was a lot tougher than most occult beings both on the light and dark side gave him credit for and he was able to stand up to Asmodeus when he last encountered him which few angels were luckily enough to boost about.
Asmodeus was already at the Hell portal to Earth waiting for him with a stupid devious grin on his face. Devial was there too although she looked as though she wanted to have a three-way with both of them rather than come to Earth with them. Luckily Asmodeus was already in black robes customary to what humans in the middle east were wearing at this time so the two of them won't have to go hunting for a suitable replacement. Besides Crawly personally did not want any association with Asmodeus being naked for any part of this trip once so ever.
Devial turned to leave but before she did she surprised Crawly by smoothing out the wrinkles in his robe near his chest. The look she gave him whilest doing this was anything but subtext for her true attentions with this action.
"I must say Crawly you sure are a hot topic amongst the other higher up demons around here. All the slavery and genocides and turning the people's eyes away from the Almighty. I must say it is quite impressive. You have been up there so long Crawly." With this, she brushed some long red curls behind his ears seductively and leaned closer. "Take a break. I could teach you a few new tricks."
Yeah, Crawly was not interested. At all. Luckily he was going back to Earth and used that as a hasty excuse. Asmodeus seemed to agree although looked as though he wanted to stick around for one last make-out session but they had more pressing matters to attend to.
"Too bad. Just keep in mind my chambers are always open." Devial flicked her tongue out at the two of them before disappearing into the grimy halls of Hell.
Crawly turned to Asmodeus who was grinning down at him like there was some joke there Crawly didn't quite get yet.
"Well, we had best get a move on." He said nervously never one for having small talk with other demons.
"Right on Crawly."
As they made their way up to Earth the smell of sulfur and fecal matter disappeared replaced only with the gentle green grass of where the portal was currently located on Earth. Crawly inhaled deeply before sighing out his mouth. He would have all but forgotten there was another demon in his presence until Asmodeus spoke up.
"So where is this Isreal?"
Oh yeah. Something more was definitely going on. All demons no matter which circle of Hell they were from knew about Isreal. But instead Crawly took him there while having to listen to him chatter on about his latest orgy that had involved corpses and cannibalism as well as human flesh. Absolutely wonderful. While the forces of Hell always seemed to make his life miserable...well he already knew the answer to that one, didn't he.
They arrived percisly just in time to watch the latest prophet babble on about the end times for Isreal. He was new from the last guy. A lot younger. There was another presence there besides the humans and the two demons who stood upon the rooftops lurking like ravens after wild dying animals in the dessert. Crawly's heart sank. No. Please Satan no. Not today. Any day but today.
"I smell an angel." Asmodius said while his goat like tongue excitedly licked the corners of his mouth. Crawly felt like he was going to be sick. Worse yet his corporation had not eaten since his little falling out with Aziraphale.
"Well I don't sense anything. You're being ridiculous."
Asmodius closed in around Crawly and grasped his shoulders tightly. His breath smelled of blood and human flesh and he could see the demonic teeth forming like jagged spider webs within the taller demons mouth. Crawly felt himself swallow his fear and looked over to see Aziraphale was in fact standing just below them. Stupid fucking angel. Could never look out for himself.
"You calling me a liar Crawly?"
"No of course not Asmodius...I just-"
"Because I haven't tasted demon flesh in a long while and-"
"Can we just focus on the task at hand? We are supposed to be helping to corrupt the souls here and turn their hearts away from God. Forget the sssstupid angel. Our Lord and massster Sssatan won't be pleassssed to know we didn't fullfill our tasssk."
Shit. Stupid snake tongue anxiety reflex. This seemed to calm Asmodius who backed away from Crawly with the face of a child who had just witnessed a puppy being kicked. He crossed his hands over his chest and Crawly breathed a silent sigh of relief.
The prophet babbled on:
"Marshal your troops now, city of troops, for a siege is laid against us. They will strike Israel's ruler on the cheek with a rod. "But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times." Therefore Israel will be abandoned until the time when she who is in labor bears a son, and the rest of his brothers return to join the Israelites. He will stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God. And they will live securely, for then his greatness will reach to the ends of the earth. And he will be our peace when the Assyrians invade our land and march through our fortresses. We will raise against them seven shepherds, even eight commanders, who will rule the land of Assyria with the sword, the land of Nimrod with drawn sword. He will deliver us from the Assyrians when they invade our land and march across our borders. The remnant of Jacob will be in the midst of many peoples like dew from the Lord, like showers on the grass, which do not wait for anyone or depend on man."
If Crawly was holding something he would have dropped it.
"The Christ child." He whispered to himself. The location. He knew where the son of God would be born.
"What did you say?" Asmodeus snarled.
"N-nothing. We should keep listening. Might be some important information we might miss that would be of interest to our Dark Master."
"Yeah. If I could understand a word this freak was saying."
Fucking moron.
"The remnant of Jacob will be among the nations, in the midst of many peoples, like a lion among the beasts of the forest, like a young lion among flocks of sheep, which mauls and mangles as it goes, and no one can rescue. Your hand will be lifted up in triumph over your enemies, and all your foes will be destroyed. "In that day," declares the Lord, "I will destroy your horses from among you and demolish your chariots. I will destroy the cities of your land and tear down all your strongholds. I will destroy your witchcraft and you will no longer cast spells. I will destroy your idols and your sacred stones from among you; you will no longer bow down to the work of your hands. I will uproot from among you your Asherah poles when I demolish your cities. I will take vengeance in anger and wrath on the nations that have not obeyed me."
The end of the world too. What? But...
"Listen to what the Lord says: "Stand up, plead my case before the mountains; let the hills hear what you have to say. "Hear, you mountains, the Lord's accusation; listen, you everlasting foundations of the earth. For the Lord has a case against His people; He is lodging a charge against Israel."My people, what have I done to you? How have I burdened you? Answer me. I brought you up out of Egypt and redeemed you from the land of slavery I sent Moses to lead you, also Aaron and Miriam. My people, remember what Balak king of Moab plotted and what Balaam son of Beor answered. Remember your journey from Shittim to Gilgal, that you may know the righteous acts of the Lord." With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of olive oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Listen! The Lord is calling to the city—and to fear your name is wisdom—"Heed the rod and the One who appointed it. Am I still to forget your ill-gotten treasures, you wicked house, and the short ephah, which is accursed? Shall I acquit someone with dishonest scales, with a bag of false weights? Your rich people are violent; your inhabitants are liars and their tongues speak deceitfully. Therefore, I have begun to destroy you, to ruin you because of your sins. You will eat but not be satisfied; your stomach will still be empty. You will store up but save nothing, because what you save I will give to the sword. You will plant but not harvest; you will press olives but not use the oil, you will crush grapes but not drink the wine. You have observed the statutes of Omri and all the practices of Ahab's house; you have followed their traditions. Therefore I will give you over to ruin and your people to derision; you will bear the scorn of the nations."What misery is mine! I am like one who gathers summer fruit at the gleaning of the vineyard; there is no cluster of grapes to eat, none of the early figs that I crave. The faithful have been swept from the land; not one upright person remains. Everyone lies in wait to shed blood; they hunt each other with nets. Both hands are skilled in doing evil; the ruler demands gifts, the judge accepts bribes, the powerful dictate what they desire— they all conspire together. The best of them is like a brier, the most upright worse than a thorn hedge. The day God visits you has come, the day your watchmen sound the alarm. Now is the time of your confusion. Do not trust a neighbor; put no confidence in a friend. Even with the woman who lies in your embrace guard the words of your lips. For a son dishonors his father, a daughter rises up against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law— a man's enemies are the members of his own household. But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."
It took Crawly a second to realize that Asmodeus was no longer beside him but had proceeded to creep down the side of the house like a fucking shadow and was now approaching Aziraphale like a lion about to pounce on a gazelle. He had to do something but couldn't blow his cover. Something Asmodeus would be too stupid to understand.
Bird noises. Would get the angel's attention and Asmodeus is too busy stalking his prey he wouldn't even notice the familiar Earth noise. Aziraphale looked over just in time before he was shoved up against a wall inches away from those sharp saliva saturated teeth. Crawly immediately flew behind Asmodeus.
"Asmodeus I don't think-" Crawly started.
"Shut up Crawly! Nobody asked for what you thought." Asmodeus snarled briefly over his shoulder before turning back to the angel in question.
"Can I help you two with something?" Aziraphale asked smugly looking right into Asmodius's red glowing eyes. The bastard didn't even look scared. For Satan's sake...the angel was about to get his fucking esophagus torn out and he didn't even seem to mind. Sometimes Crawly really thought the angel was barking mad. He really did.
"What the fuck was all that nonsense coming out of that pathetic human's mouth?" Asmodius had saliva flick onto Aziraphale's face. He ignored it.
"Prophecies. Why? Were they two hard for you to understand? Poor demon baby." Aziraphale mocked.
"Shut it!"
"Oh, what's wrong? Were those words too big for you to understand?"
"I said shut the fuck up!"
"Come now. The last time I faced you you left with holy burn marks. If you want to be smitted like that again I suggest you keep acting with no regard for decency. Honestly pinning people up to walls and demanding answers from them. You demons have no class."
"Fuck class! I want the meaning of those prophecies! And I want it now!"
"Come now Asmodeus. How on Earth am I supposed to do that? Everything is laid out so clear only an idiot won't have been able to understand the meaning of those prophecies just the way they were." Aziraphale even faked a yawn here. Cheeky bastard.
Asmodeus's eyes flicked between Aziraphale's. The silence was almost as palpable as the tension in the air. Aziraphale was the first to break the silence with a dramatic theatrical sigh.
"Well, I did warn you both."
Crawly knew what that meant and instinctively backed up. Holy power flooded the streets like little strands of golden petals from a sunflower. It was so bright Crawly had to turn away and his ears filled with screeching of Asmodius's corporations last moments before his pathetic ass celestial form scampered off to Hell to lick his wounds. The celestial angelic energy disappeared as Aziraphale took in a deep sigh and was over to Crawly's side in a second.
"Are you alright Crawly?" Aziraphale whispered as though speaking any louder would cause the demon to discorporate on the spot. Crawly uncovered his eyes and head to find gentle blue eyes swimming with concern looking down at him. Aziraphale reached out a hand and Crawly took it.
"That was bloody brillant thinking angel!" Crawly was honestly still amazed at what he saw. He didn't know the angel had it in him to be this much of a bastard.
"You won't get in trouble for this will you?" Oh typical Aziraphale. Putting others before himself.
"I most certainly will. Beelzebub is going to cut off all my limbs for this." Crawly said with a self-defeating laugh as the terror of what had just happened came over him. Perhaps he should have let Aziraphale's holy power discorporate him.
Aziraphale put a hand up to his mouth to stiffle a gasp as he whispered "Oh Crawly. I'm so sorry."
"Stop apologising. Demon remember." He rolled his eyes.
The prophcy wasn't over yet though.
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him,I will bear the Lord's wrath, until He pleads my case and upholds my cause. He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness. Then my enemy will see it and will be covered with shame, she who said to me, "Where is the Lord your God?" My eyes will see her downfall; even now she will be trampled underfoot like mire in the streets. The day for building your walls will come, the day for extending your boundaries. In that day people will come to you from Assyria and the cities of Egypt, even from Egypt to the Euphrates and from sea to sea and from mountain to mountain. The earth will become desolate because of its inhabitants, as the result of their your people with your staff, the flock of your inheritance, which lives by itself in a forest, in fertile pasturelands. Let them feed in Bashan and Gilead as in days long ago. "As in the days when you came out of Egypt, I will show them my wonders." Nations will see and be ashamed, deprived of all their power. They will put their hands over their mouths and their ears will become deaf. They will lick dust like a snake, like creatures that crawl on the ground. They will come trembling out of their dens; they will turn in fear to the Lord our God and will be afraid of you. Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. You will be faithful to Jacob, and show love to Abraham, as you pledged on oath to our ancestors in days long ago."
Hope. Such a funny thought to ponder on in a world full of despair and hopelessness.
"So I guess I better be getting back to Hell to try and explain myself," Crawly said while scratching the back of his head with his left hand and whilst gesturing with his right. He gave another laugh. As much as he liked to mess with the angel he didn't like seeing him truly concerned. It was unnerving.
"I have to get back to Isaiah. Lots more prophecies. I have to save the civilization of Isreal from pure destruction somehow right?"
Oh, angel.
"Yeah about that...you really believe you can change the people's minds...from what robes over there said it sounds pretty serious. God doesn't seem to be fucking around Aziraphale."
At this, it was as though Crawly had lightened off an angry fuse within the angel. "Like you know anything about redemption. You are a demon." With that, the angel uncurled his wings with a huff before sailing off into the sunset sky.
Crawly ground his teeth more so kicking himself than an imaginary Aziraphale. Why could he never manage to say the right things?