"Erm..."
Yeah there was no easy way to explain to the pissed off Lord of the flies and Prince of Hell that he had gotten his partner smitted by an angel and did not kill said angel. But he had a plan.
"So as you know I was recently up on Earth with Asmodeus...gh...the demon you assigned to be my partner...for like the upteenth time...but I have fantastic news that I believe would be in your best interest." Crawly made the little pointer fingers at both of them he had seen humans do multiple times. This only seemed to piss off the two of them more. Worse yet Dagon was in a female form so she looked like an angry mom and was not helping calm Crawly's nerves at all. However, Beelzebub went from being annoyed to looking slightly interested.
"It better be a Hell of a good story for me to have to go through all the trouble of having to walk through all the paperwork of getting Asmodius a new corporation since his having been smitten and having to...ugh...heal...ugh disgusting...his celestial form in order to put it into the corporation." Dagon's eyebrows were dropping so low in a rage they looked like two V's about to touch the center of her dark scary blue eyes. Crawly didn't even know it was possible to flex your facial muscles that much.
"In my defense how was I possibly supposed to know that a principality was walking about upon Earth. If anything it was Asmodius's fault that he got smitted. He tried to eat the angel without any regard for his own safety or mine. Plus there was another prophet up on Earth and I was trying to listen to what he was saying but stupid Asmodius kept groveling around and I almost missed the most important detail."
"Which iz?" Beelzebub said with a harsh emphasis on the zzzz sound.
"I know where the Christ child is going to be born." Crawly said with way too much demonic pride on his face.
"Well that doesn't do us much good now does it Crawly? If we know where he is going to be born and not when then it means nothing to us-"
"No no he has a point Dagon. This is news. Tell us where Crawly." Beelzebub interrupted Dagon.
"Bethlehem." If one didn't know any better one would think Crawly was giving a presentation on some sort of human music rather than the possible location of the birthplace of Christ.
"Where in the bloody ell is that?" Dagon said angrily as though Crawly had just said the Christ was going to be born with ten heads. Honestly, these demons needed to get out more...although for Crawly's sake and the Earth's he was very glad they never did.
"Not in Hell Dagon. On Earth."
"Oy! That's Lord Dagon to you Crawly."
"Yes Lord Dagon my deepest apologies for hurting your feelings."
"Watch yourself Crawly."
"Anyways I was wondering if I could continue to listen in. There is still another prophet on Earth and if I were to get information from both him and the Princbitality then we could have a more clear picture of what exactly the purpose of this Christ child is and other things that may be of interest to the Dark Council. "
"Yes, Crawly I agree. You may return to Earth now." Beelzebub said while waving her hand in a dismissive way.
"But wait...I thought you said he was behind on his demonic tests. Why are you sending him back to Earth?" Dagon snarled. If Beelzebub wasn't the prince of Hell Crawly had no doubt she would have used those sharp shark-like teeth to tear her face off.
"Because Christ child information takes priority Dagon. It is important to our Dark Master unless you want to take it up with him."
"No of course not Lord Beelzebub." Crawly had to stifle a laugh as he watched Dagon shrink in on herself as she said this. In her defense, the last thing in the entire universe Crawly would want would be to be on the end of Satan's self-directed hatred too so her fear was rational and understandable.
Once Crawly got back to Earth finding Aziraphale wasn't too difficult. The angel had so much blasted love in him that a whale in the Atlantic ocean could probably be more subtle than he was being. Of course the older prophet was the one talking up a storm about his divine encounters.
"The Lord said to me, "Take a large scroll and write on it with an ordinary pen: Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz." So I called in Uriah the priest and Zechariah son of Jeberekiah as reliable witnesses for me. Then I made love to the prophetess, and she conceived and gave birth to a son. And the Lord said to me, "Name him Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz. For before the boy knows how to say 'My father' or 'My mother,' the wealth of Damascus and the plunder of Samaria will be carried off by the king of Assyria." The Lord spoke to me again: "Because this people has rejected the gently flowing waters of Shiloah and rejoices over Rezin and the son of Remaliah, therefore the Lord is about to bring against them the mighty floodwaters of the Euphrates— the king of Assyria with all his pomp. It will overflow all its channels, run over all its banks and sweep on into Judah, swirling over it, passing through it and reaching up to the neck. Its outspread wings will cover the breadth of your land, Immanuel!" Raise the war cry, you nations, and be shattered! Listen, all you distant lands. Prepare for battle, and be shattered! Prepare for battle, and be shattered! Devise your strategy, but it will be thwarted; propose your plan, but it will not stand, for God is with us. This is what the Lord says to me with his strong hand upon me, warning me not to follow the way of this people: "Do not call conspiracy everything this people calls a conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, He is the one you are to fear, He is the one you are to dread. He will be a holy place; for both Israel and Judah He will be a stone that causes people to stumble and a rock that makes them fall. And for the people of Jerusalem He will be a trap and a snare. Many of them will stumble; they will fall and be broken, they will be snared and captured." Bind up this testimony of warning and seal up God's instruction among my disciples. I will wait for the Lord, who is hiding his face from the descendants of Jacob. I will put my trust in Him. Here am I, and the children the Lord has given me. We are signs and symbols in Israel from the Lord Almighty, who dwells on Mount Zion. When someone tells you to consult mediums and spiritists, who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God? Why consult the dead on behalf of the living? Consult God's instruction and the testimony of warning. If anyone does not speak according to this word, they have no light of dawn. Distressed and hungry, they will roam through the land; when they are famished, they will become enraged and, looking upward, will curse their king and their God. Then they will look toward the earth and see only distress and darkness and fearful gloom, and they will be thrust into utter darkness."
"Aziraphale we have got to get you some more uplifting Earth human people," Crawly said making the angel jump ten feet from where they were standing.
Aziraphale turned to Crawly with an angry face and a steady hand on his chest. Crawly rolled his serpent eyes and gave a smug smile. Spooking the angel would never become dull or boring.
"Ah. Crawly. I didn't see you there."
"Evidently."
"Well, I am so glad you aren't missing any limbs, my dear boy. I was awfully worried about you." He seemed genuine about it too. Crawly didn't know if he should be disgusted or deeply touched.
"Yeah well, I can be quite convincing when I put my mind to it." Smooth Crawly. Real smooth.
Aziraphale didn't seem to mind this utter lack of charisma and simply patted Crawly on his shoulder. "Well, I am glad to see you are alright. And besides, I probably don't even want to know what demonic deeds you had to do to get out of said trouble."
"You're right. You don't." And Aziraphale won't have liked to know the real reason Crawly was here either. But he didn't know won't kill him.
"Figures."
They were interrupted by Isaiah taking another chance to spew more of his prophecies. These ones were far more intresting than the ones from before.
"Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the nations, by the Way of the Sea, beyond the Jordan— The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as warriors rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire. For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over His kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this."
Okay, so the Christ child was going to be born into royalty. That was good. He also would go by a lot of names it seemed though that was more thematics than actual necessary information to take down bellow.
He turned his head to peek at Aziraphale to see the angel was staring at him with intent. Almost as though he was trying to gage Crawly's reaction to the whole thing. Crawly found it best to keep a poker face ever since falling. Keep all feelings on the down-low. This is what almost every demon he had ever met had done and he thought it best to do the same. He had practice and was quite good at the skill. What Aziraphale didn't know wouldn't kill him.
"The Lord has sent a message against Jacob; it will fall on Israel. All the people will know it—Ephraim and the inhabitants of Samaria—who say with pride and arrogance of heart, "The bricks have fallen down, but we will rebuild with dressed stone; the fig trees have been felled, but we will replace them with cedars." But the Lord has strengthened Rezin's foes against them and has spurred their enemies on. Arameans from the east and Philistines from the west have devoured Israel with open mouth. Yet for all this, his anger is not turned away, his hand is still upraised. But the people have not returned to him who struck them, nor have they sought the Lord Almighty. So the Lord will cut off from Israel both head and tail, both palm branch and reed in a single day; the elders and dignitaries are the head, the prophets who teach lies are the tail. Those who guide this people mislead them, and those who are guided are led astray. Therefore the Lord will take no pleasure in the young men, nor will he pity the fatherless and widows, for everyone is ungodly and wicked, every mouth speaks folly. Yet for all this, his anger is not turned away, his hand is still upraised. Surely wickedness burns like a fire; it consumes briers and thorns, it sets the forest thickets ablaze, so that it rolls upward in a column of smoke. By the wrath of the Lord Almighty the land will be scorched and the people will be fuel for the fire; they will not spare one another. On the right they will devour, but still be hungry; on the left they will eat, but not be satisfied. Each will feed on the flesh of their own offspring: Manasseh will feed on Ephraim, and Ephraim on Manasseh; together they will turn against Judah. Yet for all this, his anger is not turned away, his hand is still upraised. Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless. What will you do on the day of reckoning, when disaster comes from afar? To whom will you run for help? Where will you leave your riches? Nothing will remain but to cringe among the captives or fall among the slain. Yet for all this, his anger is not turned away, his hand is still upraised. "Woe to the Assyrian, the rod of my anger, in whose hand is the club of my wrath! I send him against a godless nation, I dispatch him against a people who anger me, to seize loot and snatch plunder, and to trample them down like mud in the streets. But this is not what he intends, this is not what he has in mind; his purpose is to destroy, to put an end to many nations. 'Are not my commanders all kings?' he says. 'Has not Kalno fared like Carchemish? Is not Hamath like Arpad, and Samaria like Damascus? As my hand seized the kingdoms of the idols, kingdoms whose images excelled those of Jerusalem and Samaria— shall I not deal with Jerusalem and her images as I dealt with Samaria and her idols?'" When the Lord has finished all his work against Mount Zion and Jerusalem, he will say, "I will punish the king of Assyria for the willful pride of his heart and the haughty look in his eyes. For he says:"'By the strength of my hand I have done this, and by my wisdom, because I have understanding. I removed the boundaries of nations, I plundered their treasures; like a mighty one I subdued their kings. As one reaches into a nest, so my hand reached for the wealth of the nations; as people gather abandoned eggs, so I gathered all the countries; not one flapped a wing, or opened its mouth to chirp.'" Does the ax raise itself above the person who swings it, or the saw boast against the one who uses it? As if a rod were to wield the person who lifts it up, or a club brandish the one who is not wood! Therefore, the Lord, the Lord Almighty, will send a wasting disease upon his sturdy warriors; under his pomp a fire will be kindled like a blazing flame. The Light of Israel will become a fire, their Holy One a flame; in a single day it will burn and consume his thorns and his briers. The splendor of his forests and fertile fields it will completely destroy, as when a sick person wastes away. And the remaining trees of his forests will be so few that a child could write them down. In that day the remnant of Israel, the survivors of Jacob, will no longer rely on him who struck them down but will truly rely on the Lord, the Holy One of Israel. A remnant will return, a remnant of Jacob will return to the Mighty God. Though your people be like the sand by the sea, Israel, only a remnant will return. Destruction has been decreed, overwhelming and righteous. The Lord, the Lord Almighty, will carry out the destruction decreed upon the whole land. Therefore this is what the Lord, the Lord Almighty, says: "My people who live in Zion, do not be afraid of the Assyrians, who beat you with a rod and lift up a club against you, as Egypt did. Very soon my anger against you will end and my wrath will be directed to their destruction." The Lord Almighty will lash them with a whip, as when he struck down Midian at the rock of Oreb; and he will raise his staff over the waters, as he did in Egypt. In that day their burden will be lifted from your shoulders, their yoke from your neck; the yoke will be broken because you have grown so fat. They enter Aiath; they pass through Migron; they store supplies at Mikmash. They go over the pass, and say, "We will camp overnight at Geba." Ramah trembles; Gibeah of Saul flees. Cry out, Daughter Gallim! Listen, Laishah! Poor Anathoth! Madmenah is in flight; the people of Gebim take cover. This day they will halt at Nob; they will shake their fist at the mount of Daughter Zion, at the hill of Jerusalem. See, the Lord, the Lord Almighty, will lop off the boughs with great power. The lofty trees will be felled, the tall ones will be brought low. He will cut down the forest thickets with an ax; Lebanon will fall before the Mighty One."
"Sheesh. And I thought Hell was supposed to be the angry and spiteful ones who wanted to destroy and kill everyone." Crawly said with a self-defeating laugh to which he got no response to.
He looked over to Aziraphale with his pleating hands and worried look as he looked over at a group of humans laughing at Isaiah and calling him a madman. Oh.
Crawly jabbed Aziraphale in the side with his elbow in a playful sort of way and said "Hey! How about we do something fun after all this prophecies fiasco is over with?"
Aziraphale's eyes lite up like laturns at the thought of this. Crawly would deny to anyone who asked that his heart felt as though he had missed a step in the dark when he saw this gentle smile on the sweet angel. "Really? Like what?"
"Oh I don't know...wine and stargazing perhaps?"
"Yes. I would like that very much."
Yes! This was easier than Crawly thought. All he had to do was wait for the next time humans pissed off the Almighty and ask Aziraphale somewhere then. Bittersweet and manipulative but he was a demon and he was supposed to be half those things so it didn't count. And besides he could also milk the angel for any information Isaiah had left out. Honestly, his speeches were so long Crawly felt himself dozing out halfway through anyways.
"A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit. The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him—the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord— and he will delight in the fear of the Lord. He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears; but with righteousness he will judge the needy, with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth. He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth; with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked. Righteousness will be his belt and faithfulness the sash around his waist. The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the cobra's den, and the young child will put its hand into the viper's nest. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea. In that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a banner for the peoples; the nations will rally to him, and his resting place will be glorious. In that day the Lord will reach out his hand a second time to reclaim the surviving remnant of his people from Assyria, from Lower Egypt, from Upper Egypt, from Cush, from Elam, from Babylonia, from Hamath and from the islands of the Mediterranean. He will raise a banner for the nations and gather the exiles of Israel; he will assemble the scattered people of Judah from the four quarters of the earth. Ephraim's jealousy will vanish, and Judah's enemies will be destroyed; Ephraim will not be jealous of Judah, nor Judah hostile toward Ephraim. They will swoop down on the slopes of Philistia to the west; together they will plunder the people to the east. They will subdue Edom and Moab, and the Ammonites will be subject to them. The Lord will dry up the gulf of the Egyptian sea; with a scorching wind he will sweep his hand over the Euphrates River. He will break it up into seven streams so that anyone can cross over in sandals. There will be a highway for the remnant of his people that is left from Assyria, as there was for Israel when they came up from Egypt."
"I swear to Satan if I have to hear about Egypt one more time-"
"Quiet Crawly."
"Sorry, not sorry. I'm a demon. It's what I do."
Aziraphale responded with one of those deep sighs and Crawly felt the corners of his mouth upturn. Wait. Why were they doing that? He didn't give the corners of his mouth permission. Being betrayed by his own body again.
"In that day you will say: "I will praise you, Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord Himself, is my strength and my defense; He has become my salvation." With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say: "Give praise to the Lord, proclaim His name; make known among the nations what He has done, and proclaim that His name is exalted. Sing to the Lord, for He has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."
"Let me guess...that last bit of fluff was mostly your idea wasn't it?" Crawly said stifling a laugh.
"Well...yeah it was. How did you know that?" Aziraphale asked looking genuinely confused.
"Just a hunch," Crawly said and then leaned closer. "You're not as subtle as you think angel."
With that, he sauntered out of there and went to go get them some drinks for tonight. The guy at the stand who attempted to make him pay top dollar for wine that wasn't even that good made Crawly pity that his entire business was about to be invaded by foreigners in about twelve years less and less. However, when he stepped closer to the lantern the guy was holding let's just say the guy quickly changed his mind about letting those alcoholic beverages go for less. Sometimes having serpent eyes was annoying but other times it really helped him get his message across in a fast manner.
When he got back to the glamorous livng quarters (sarcasm was a personality trait for Crawly) he found only Isaiah acting like a crazy man and crying about Isreal getting invaded and no one even caring.
"Where's Aziraphale?" Aw geez. Crawly was never good at comforting upset humans. Well maybe children but they were easy to do. Just take a stick and tie some flowers to it and there you go. A toy for the kids to play with rather than bothering Crawly with their human problems. But adult humans were much more difficult to deal with.
"I don't know. He abandoned me again I guess. Just like last time. Everyone is leaving me." Isaiah fell on dirt floor and began to sob like a pathetic looking octopus. Crawly almost sprained his eyes rolling them this time around.
"He didn't abandon you you asshole. He went to get another prophet to come to help you out. He wants the same thing as you you know."
No response. Sympathy was not a demonic quality. In fact, it was one of the tears of love so it was one of the things that was the farthest away from being a demon. That being said Crawly didn't have any and if he did it was in the back of his supposed cold dead heart like a shriveled raisin wasting away and certainly not in good enough quality to be used for a man this broken. But as Crawly himself and the entire universe had reminded Crawly multiple times he was partially and almost directly responsible for this man's suffering and the least he could do was at least pretend to care for his suffering.
"And he has been so annoying. Hope is lost and he is just trying to stay all positive and all like think about the children and what not."
"Who is?"
"Aziraphale."
All thoughts of showing this human any mercy went out the window like an elephant crashing through a house.
"Oh really! Is it Aziraphale's fault everyone in this entire fucking city is a complete asshole who only cares about themselves? Is it Aziraphale's fault you were chosen by God to go spout nonsense on the street? Is it Aziraphale's fault you are a pathetic excuse for a prophet who is currently slobbering and crying all over the floor like a pathetic shriveling worm? No. Aziraphale is trying to make your life better so you should be thanking him rather than complaining. Satan be damned if he wasn't around I would knock you into next week." He really would too. Of course, Aziraphale won't like that one bit.
Crawly went on his way after that to leave the human to hopefully reflect on his actions and eventually found Aziraphale with his face in his arms up on the straw roof of the house. Crawly could of used the stairs but being extra was way too fun and bound to piss off Aziraphale so he used his wings instead. He made sure to make a theatrical landing too.
"The drinks have arrived!" He said outstretching his arms like someone at one of those human Greek parties would do.
"Oh thank God."
Crawly felt a burn run up his thigh.
"Um...ouch."
"Sorry."
Aziraphale grasped at one of the clay cups and Crawly poured himself some first before handing the base jug to Aziraphale. The angel's eyes had a soft puffiness to them. He had been crying. Or really hungover. Drinking without his demonic counterpart. Shameful shameful. But no. It was tears.
"Hey. What's the matter? You seem upset." For a serpant he could use a little smoothness of his own. Honestly Crawly.
Aziraphale breathed in a shakey breath and looked out into the vast sea of houses and streets. Somewhere off in the distance a woman was screaming like a banshee as she orgasmed after sleeping with her brother in plain sight.
"I worry Crawly. I worry for these people. I worry for their families. I worry for this beutiful land."
"You don't think the people will turn it around?"
"I hope they do."
"But do you think they will?"
"I honestly don't know."
"Sure you do."
"Why are you doing this?"
"You have been pushing away the truth for too long Aziraphale. Humans aren't like us. They have free will. They have choices. I'm a demon so I must be evil. You're an angel so you must be this disgusting ball of love. But humans are like plates. They fill their lives up with whatever they feel is best for themselves and sometimes others."
"So you are saying there is no hope."
"I'm saying that you need to be able to accept the possibility these people may not be inclined to change. I know the dark side of humanity. I tempt them and I know humans can be quite selfish."
"Not all of them are like that."
"No. But most are."
"I see. So what do you think I should do."
"Well, you're the angel here not me."
"I can't do anything right."
"Oh you're an angel. I won't worry too much about it. Just do what you feel is best."
"I am Crawly."
"I know."