The ball Envy held in their hands now was made of pure gold. It had a soft weight to it, and the surface was slightly warm from where it had been sitting in the sun. It was perfectly balanced, just like the red carpeted floor- proven in how it rolled in a completely straight line.
Envy was alone in the grand entrance hall of the palace, with its high muraled walls and domed roof, the huge sculpted pillars and rows of polished artefacts. Around these pillars wrapped the winding figures of Xing dragons, each one meticulously carved from stone- was that what they were supposed to look like? The frozen stone eyes were unsettling.
This whole place was unsettling, with no one in it. Envy's very breathing had a faint echo to it. Every movement was conspicuous. It was like the old emperors in the paintings were listening. Envy wondered what Greed would do if they were to take their claws to those paintings- scrape out the ears and eyes so the dead men could no longer sense them. It probably wouldn't be any good. No, that would go too far. And they didn't really want to do it, anyway.
The golden ball was not an artefact, it was a gift Greed had given them. Like they were a princess from one of the old Amestrian fairytales. Maybe they were like that, but also more- the princess and the dragon simultaneously. Did that make Greed the handsome prince?
If it were so, he would have to kill them before he could marry them. So that was that.
They lay across the carpet with their legs split wide, rolling the ball back and forth between their hands, the way a cat would play with a ball of yarn- and as they did it, their chest ached with that horrible kind of fruitless impatience, the feeling of wanting to do something when there was nothing to do.
At these times the events of the Promised Day and those leading up to it boiled and bubbled behind their eyes, distorted flickers they tried to suppress. They had already worked out what they could have done better- what they could have done better from the day they had been born. To think, if only they had just kept quiet for once, if only they had been cleverer once, if only they hadn't been so pathetic maybe it all would have been different. Maybe Father would have won, and their siblings would still be alive, and Lust could have been brought back and Greed would have been convinced and all would have been well…
...or maybe not. Maybe Father would have destroyed them, just like Greed had said he would.
And underneath those sticky-white, achy feelings, Envy knew it wouldn't have been well. Even if everything had turned out perfectly, and Father had loved them at last, Envy wouldn't have been happy. They weren't capable of being happy. They always wanted what they couldn't have- either because they had lost it, or because it had never been theirs to begin with.
And now they couldn't even handle it the way they used to- Greed and his Xingese friends had them here on a leash, they couldn't get violent with his property, and so now they had no one to take it out on but themselves.
Envy batted the golden ball too hard and it slipped passed their catching hand, rolling down the center of the red carpet and towards the huge double doors on the other side of the hall.
Greed knew what this was doing to them, surely. He was probably laughing at them, behind the Emperor's bright black eyes. He hated them- he had hated them, before he had left with his chimera friends, and why should that change now? He probably liked seeing them suffer like this. They had made the mistake of not killing themselves in the tunnels when Mustang had been after them, and now Greed was taking advantage of that. It was the only explanation they could think of- the only reason why they could believe they were still alive.
So Greed was acting pretty strangely, with that considered. Why had he put their stone back in place that night, seeing how it weakened them? Why had he suspended the examinations for them? It didn't make sense. And that look he got in his eyes- it made them angry, it made them burn black inside. Such a tender look. And how he held on after sex, like it mattered that they were the one he had fucked, like it couldn't have been just anyone. Greed acted like he loved them, and that made them so angry it felt like they could vomit fire without even needing to change shape.
It was a bad joke. No one could ever love Envy.
It seemed a lot of effort to go after the ball where it came to a stop at the front door, but they did it anyway. Without the weight their hands felt somehow empty.
The ball had cooled down to the touch. There was nothing in this hall to warm it. And there was so little light in here with none of the high lanterns lit, it didn't sparkle the way gold could.
Envy lit another little fire in their chest, summoning deliberately more spiteful thoughts- and why should they have to hide in the dark like some slimy salamander? Who cared if processions were being done in the gardens? If they wanted to go outside where the people were, they damn well would.
(They said this to themself even though their solitude in the chamber had been self-imposed. That morning, when Greed had said the gardens would be toured, they had somehow felt afraid of being seen.)
Outside, the air was especially sweet. It was midsummer in Xing, which was very beautiful, certainly prettier than most of Amestris. Though maybe the Emperor's garden was a misleading example, having hundreds of staff to tend to it every day. The thing was monstrously huge, extending far beyond the palace, divided into sections upon sections for various artistic displays of nature.
Envy liked the rock garden part the most, especially under the summer sun. Very well, they were a lizard, and so of course they liked to sun themself. And that place was nice because there wasn't so much green to look at. To get there, Envy turned themself into a large eagle, so they could fly and bring their ball with them.
The rocks in the garden were wonderfully warm to the touch. Under a sun like this one, they caught the heat and glowed with it- something like this would have probably been uncomfortable for human skin, even capable of burning. But such heat just made Envy sleepy, in a comfortable kind of way. Back in their preferred form they stretched out on the garden's huge, flat centerpiece, a perfect circle of granite surrounded by spiraling lines of smooth, small stones. The gold ball shimmered in the light the way they had wanted it to. Was it worth making the move out here? They supposed so.
Still, their insides itched. Father hadn't tolerated lazy play like this, that was why Greed had always gotten in trouble. But there was no mission they were supposed to be fulfilling, not now.
It didn't take much of the heat to turn their limbs into putty and all their joints to air. It was kind of nice. This was the closest Envy could ever get to being warm-blooded, like all their other siblings. Like humans. Was this what people felt like all the time? They doubted it, people couldn't possibly feel this way, the warmth settled in so deep it made Envy's thoughts turn slow and soft around the edges, like porridge…
After that, they slept.
It was evening when they woke again, the sun had begun to peel away from the center of the sky, turning the edges of things purple. In the garden, chains of fairylights had been lit to mark the walking paths. The rocks had cooled down enough to wake them, and vaguely, they resented that.
As Envy's consciousness expanded they became aware of the sweet smell in the air, the clarity of the light, and soft murmurs of voices, the shuffling sounds of clothing. Confused, they turned their head, and saw a young boy standing at the edge of the granite circle, dark eyes wide and limbs frozen, like a burglar photographed mid-heist. He was dressed the way poor people dressed for special events in this country, and the bangs of his black hair crept into his eyes. What kind of expression was that on his face? Something a little like fear, but also like wonder.
Envy didn't like being snuck up on. They growled at the boy, peeling their lips back over sharp white teeth, and it was satisfying to watch him run. That was the most mischief they could get up to, these days.
Sitting up, though, Envy realized that the boy hadn't been alone. The rock garden had quite an audience- or maybe Envy did. The people of Xing crowded the walking paths, all dressed in working class clothes, staring and murmuring to each other. The boy had run back to his mother, and clutched at her robes.
Envy's first instinct, of course, was to feel bad about this. Were these people judging them? By what right? What did they see that was so amusing? Humans loved to stare at what disgusted them, two-headed fetuses and old men with elephant skin and worms that wriggled in jars…
The surge of hateful feelings blinded them for a moment, made them feel sick, and they had to shake their head to remember. They weren't a worm right now. In fact, like this, they were very pretty. And these peasants knew nothing of that, they thought...oh yes, they thought Envy was a dragon.
They had heard that much, in rumour.
In spite of everything, Envy suddenly smiled. These people weren't looking down on them, couldn't be looking down on them, they were in awe. The boy must have been approaching to touch them for good luck, when no one else had dared. And weren't they lovely like this? In the fading natural light their skin appeared especially white, purer than any of the marble in the rock garden, and the green in their hair stood out. They were a marvel.
Envy laid back down on the rock so their hair spread out and tossed the golden ball in the air, catching it, pretending to be nonchalant. Acting like they didn't even notice all the attention, like they didn't crave it. The soft whispers of the people ebbed and flowed like the tide, following not the moon but instead every movement Envy made. So they stretched, and tossed the ball, and played with their hair, reveling in the fact that these tiny, worthless humans admired them, and knew completely what they were because no one and nothing else would dare behave so carelessly in the sacred gardens of the Emperor.
It was a pity when the darkness became too much- with evening, clouds had started to settle in the sky, making it a moonless night, and one that predicted rain. Using a few adjustments to their visual system Envy could see fine under such conditions, but these humans were different. Some were already beginning to leave. The show was coming to an end- so they would let that end be spectacular.
Lazily, Envy stood, trying to hide the smile on their face, and holding the golden ball in one hand they let themself change. Expanding and elongating, turning white skin to emerald scales, arms and legs curling in and sprouting black claws, tailbone launching out to become a tail in full. Their face stretched forwards, becoming a snout lined with wicked teeth, and for the fun of it they let a pearl appear under their chin, though they doubted anyone who knew them would ever call them wise.
When they were done, the air smelled like lightning, and all the people were struck dumb. Envy savoured the expressions on their faces, curling through the air in delicate little circles, the very picture of the dragons that reared their heads across Xingese artwork of every form.
It was nice, being looked at like this.
And it was even nicer, flying this way- like swimming, only through the air. Like a ribbon in the wind they coiled up and up, over the heads of the trembling crowd, and from there they floated back to the palace, listening to the shouts of those who saw them until they were out of earshot.
Back in the Emperor's chambers- slipping through an open balcony window- they became their typical self again, and laughed, even though there was no one there to hear them.
"Idiots!" they cackled. "People like that will believe anything! What fools…"
What utter fools. Envy was not a dragon.
They were an abomination, and a powerless one, at that.
They tossed the golden ball onto the bed, suddenly feeling the cold, even though it wasn't really that cold inside anyway. Those kinds of thoughts always ruined things. Without something to do- wars to fight, people to kill, missions- they couldn't keep them out.
The door to the bedroom opened, and Ling poked his head through, Envy recognized him instantly from the colour of the smile on his face.
"There you are, beansprout," he said cheerfully. "I haven't seen you all day. Though I've heard some others have."
"Uh-huh," was all they said, with the chill in their fingers they were disarmed by the brightness of the look on his face.
"Yes. I've gotten a few reports saying that the royal dragon made an appearance in the gardens today." Ling stepped closer, and Envy wondered what Greed was thinking, behind his eyes.
"I just took a nap," they said, dull. "You know I like sleeping on the rocks."
"Of course! How charming, the great serpent sunning herself in the garden."
Ling put his hands around their waist and then retracted them, and even that little flutter of a touch was warm, and so while Envy opened their mouth to growl at him, it was half hearted. "I know, I know, not a her," he said. "and I keep forgetting that I can't lift you…"
The Emperor flopped down on the bed, kicking off his embroidered shoes. The window was still open, and outside the sun had truly set, leaving only the blue traces of its last rays in the sky. Envy realized that they didn't know the time. Dinner must have already passed.
"I'm glad you did it, though," Ling continued, picking up their golden ball in one hand. "I'm sure they got quite a show."
He didn't look at the ball for more than a second- he really wasn't Greed- before meeting their eyes again, his brows coming together in his forehead, lips turning down. Envy hadn't moved, and they knew they should close the window, the post-dusk air felt too close to freezing.
"Are you okay?" Ling asked, and his tone of voice was so genuine- Envy would know, they knew very well the sound of lies- that it did something to them they hadn't been expecting, folding over a shell in their heart to expose some soft, slimy thing, like a river snail. They suddenly swayed on their feet, like they couldn't hold up their own weight anymore, why was that?
"It's a lie," they said, because they couldn't answer his question, they didn't know the answer. "I'm not a dragon. Doesn't that bother you?"
Ling seemed surprised by their question- they were too, they hadn't really meant to ask it.
"Well," he said stilted, "I don't know. I've seen what you really look like and that's...I mean, you kind of are. A dragon, I mean."
Was Greed watching this? He had known them much longer than Ling, he must be able to tell how weak they were. They couldn't even speak anymore, because they didn't know what was going to happen if they did, and the silence went on too long.
"Is everything alright inside?" Ling suddenly asked, sitting up again, and his apparent concern was making them ache somewhere they couldn't identify. "I mean, with your…?" he tapped his chest with one finger; his red, stone heart. "The other day, when it got messed up, you were all…"
"I don't know," they said before he could speak again, and that statement was so violently and all-consumingly true that they shocked themselves just hearing it. They hadn't realized what they had been going to say, hadn't understood that the center of the rotting thing inside them was a seed as simple as that. They put both hands to their chest, almost afraid, because now the slimy thing was not only flipped over, it had been deshelled completely, and was writhing in the open air. They didn't have a heartbeat that could be felt.
"What do you mean?" Ling asked, and they shook their head.
"I don't know what to do, Greed," they gasped, their voice didn't come out all the way, like they didn't have enough air or like all the air was trapped inside them. "And how do you? How are you fine with all this? Everyone is dead, and the plan failed, and everything we were meant to do- they very reason we exist- is meaningless."
With the fluidity of water flowing downstream, Ling's posture shifted, and his eyes turned from a bright black to a burning purple. Despite that, the frown- the worried expression- stayed. Greed patted the bed beside him with one hand, a gesture they knew well.
"Come sit down, baby," he said, and he pitched his voice soft and low, like he was talking to an injured animal- and that made Envy back away, they shook their head again, this time meaning it.
"No, I can't do it," they said, even though it hurt. "I can't. I don't even- I just can't. I was going to kill myself in the tunnels. After the Flame Alchemist. I don't know why I didn't."
They didn't even know why they were saying this. But Greed stood, slowly, and when he came over Envy was surprised that they didn't run away. Perhaps it was the expression on his face that was keeping them there.
This surprised them even more- he didn't say anything. He embraced them, and his body was so warm it melted them instantly, their eyes slipping closed. He couldn't have been anywhere near the same temperature, but just then his body felt as comforting as the summer-struck rocks outside. As such, this time, they followed him as he guided them to the bed, just so they could lie down in his arms.
Greed- and Ling- both stayed silent, and so after a while Envy stopped expecting either one to speak, and they found that their own words had dried up, too. It was easy to fall asleep again, like that.