When they awoke again it was still dark outside, and the window was still open, and they had dreamed of nervous things they couldn't remember and they doubted they had been asleep long. Greed was still holding them. Or maybe it was the Emperor. Warm fingers carded lightly through their hair.
What a mess they had made of themself. It was absolutely embarrassing, it was, saying all those unnecessary things. They still weren't sure why they had done it- but that had been true for their entire life, they had never been able to control their emotions, even the fun ones. Maybe, it had been to see what Greed would do- see if they could make themself pathetic enough that he would reject them. It didn't seem to have worked.
Envy pulled back from the embrace, and Greed looked down, his eyes clearing like they had been in an open trance. He smiled, but it seemed a halfhearted kind of smile.
"Hey, baby." he said. Envy cringed.
"How long did I sleep?" they asked, unsure if they should look him in the eyes. Greed shrugged.
"Just over an hour, I would say. You can sleep some more, if you want. Morning is a ways off."
Envy hummed, not a real reply, but they didn't feel especially tired anymore. They had already slept too much today, like a cat. Now they were over-aware of the silk blanket where it touched their skin, the heat of Greed's arms, the night air. They always screwed things up, didn't they? They suddenly wished there was someone around, something to play with- someone like Dr. Marcoh. He had been just wonderful. Seeing him snivel in his cell had been so good for stress...until he had gotten out...and they had gone after him...and so many problems had come from that.
Envy cringed again at the memory, visibly this time, and Greed was quick to react as they covered their face with their hands, and instantly they knew they shouldn't have said what they had said before falling asleep.
"Hey, hey, sweetheart...what is it? Talk to me," he said, and even his lowlife, thug accent didn't hide how worried he sounded. He couldn't be making this up. He wasn't a good liar- he wasn't a liar at all. Unless he had changed even more than they had thought, and they doubted that.
"It's nothing," Envy mumbled into their hands. "Just thinking."
"Tell me," he murmured, and though it had been comforting before, the heat of his embrace had become stifling, and they had to sit up, push him away. How hopeless they were. They couldn't handle getting anything they wanted. They couldn't even look at him, because of the feelings in his eyes.
"I didn't know that," Greed said to their back after some silence had passed. "I didn't know that you had thought about…doing that."
"Are you surprised?" they said to the open window, and the cold, wet air coming through it, ruffling the curtains. "You knew what I was like. Even before you left. It's hardly the first time I thought about it- certainly not the first time I tried."
They had tried, yes. What a silly thing to do, that's what Father had said, and he had always stopped them, made sure it wasn't permanent. But he couldn't have stopped them back then, when the alchemists had been staring them down. They would have really done it, and yet they hadn't. They didn't think they could tell Greed this, not with how he was acting. He had sat up and his hands were hovering in the air, like he wanted to but was afraid to touch them.
"I didn't- I guess I-" he was fumbling even with air. "...I was an idiot back then."
Envy shrugged and stood, causing Greed to gasp softly behind them, which was a little pleasing in spite of everything, but all they did was close the window. It had started to rain outside.
"I was a fool," Greed continued, almost under his breath. "and very selfish. All I did was pursue material gain, like Father had thought I would...though I was never really what he wanted."
Envy didn't dare look back at him just yet. With sharpened eyes they could see every raindrop as it hit the glass before their nose, and beyond it treetops stirring with the wind, the wings of an owl.
"I started to change after I ran away. I realized something...that even though I wanted everything, what I wanted most was...to be close to people."
Envy did look back at him then, tentative, but he was looking at his hands now so they didn't have to meet his eyes.
"The chimeras," they mumbled, and heard him hum an agreement, and inside something curled uncomfortably as they remembered what Wrath had done to them.
"And I also realized that I could change."
He looked up and Envy actually flinched, the look in his eyes was so powerful, it was like a strike of lightning directed right at them. Cowering in the darkness by the window, they were afraid of what would happen if they went back to him, in the light and the soft, inviting bed. Should they throw the window back open and leave, now? Leave forever? They could, they always could do that, there was nothing to stop them and no one who could bring them back…
"I bet you think we can't. Because we were made to be a certain way- but we can. I did."
"No," Envy said instead of leaving. "You don't understand. I can't control it-" here they tapped their chest, mirroring Ling from before, their treacherous heart- "I'm not like you."
Greed started to stand and Envy was frozen, caught between urges to run to him and to run away. They couldn't even stop looking at him anymore. Had he always glowed like that?
"Maybe," he said, walking over to the window with measured steps, "but I hope not."
"You want," Envy growled, squeezing instinctively closer to the glass.
"Damn right," Greed said, his voice containing the first few notes of a laugh. "I want to be happy, and I want everyone around me to happy, too. I don't want to lose you."
The smile on his face faded in degrees, and now he was close enough to touch, so of course he did- he couldn't help himself, warm hands finding the cold skin of their shoulder, the back of their neck. He pressed his face into their hair, and Envy felt trapped.
"Please be alright," he whispered in their ear, a prayer to some god that wasn't them. "Please don't ever think that way again…"
Envy suddenly couldn't stand this, something snapped in their chest like an elastic pulled too tight and they snarled, pushing him away. He was so light, really, it was easy. He looked surprised with his ass planted on the floor, and in a better state of mind they might have laughed, but instead they bared their teeth.
"Don't look down on me," they hissed, their hands curling into claws. "And stop being so soft. I hate you, Greed! I hate everything!"
They twisted the latch on the window so hard it broke, forcing it open again, and though Greed tried to shout something they didn't hear it, launching themself into the wind. They didn't become a dragon this time, but instead something more like the Amestrian mythological roc- an enormous thunderbird, strong enough to temper the wind and rain because they were one with it.
On these monstrous wings, in the blackness of that storm, they left the lights of the palace behind them. They didn't look back.
They flew until they found dawn at the top of a mountain- becoming themself to see it, every muscle in their body ached, worked to exhaustion beating the wind at such high speeds. They were too heavy to fly for so long, they had known that, and now they paid the price in a pain that dug down into their bone marrow.
But they didn't cry. They might have cried during the flight, in the way that birds cried, they weren't sure, but they felt just as drained as if they had bawled for hours. The aches of muscle exhaustion were not an unpleasant kind of pain- not like being stabbed, or worse, burned. It was almost soothing.
The light of the sun was blinding as it came over the horizon. Watching it, they thought very little for a while.
It would be alright, maybe, if they could stay like this. They felt clear headed, but they barely thought at all. Up here, even with nothing to distract them but the air and the rising light, everything that was wrong with them didn't seem to matter nearly as much.
And even more importantly- their feelings had settled, somewhat. The roulette had slowed its spin, and the colours of the pockets had dimmed. Perhaps the exercise had done this, or the crying which may or may not have happened, or maybe both. Maybe it was confessing so much to Greed, so many things they hadn't realized they would be able to articulate.
But remembering that wasn't embarrassing, not just then. They felt pleasantly detached, their vision clear- and as such, they knew that usually they were insane. Look, in just one uneventful day they had gone from anxious rumination to glee to despair to wild hatred- and each in so pure a pigment the intensity was blinding. And as always, they could barely manage what came out of their mouth, whether it was foolish boasting or confessing things they didn't understand. Father had designed them so poorly. It was a miracle they had lasted as long as they did.
And would it be so terrible to last a little longer?
As the sky above them turned blue, and Envy lay stretched out on the mountain rocks, they thought about what Greed had said. He had changed. They were surprised he was aware of it. Of course, humans changed all the time, but the homunculi weren't supposed to- they had been made static, like sculptures, a still picture of one concept only. One flaw to be consumed with.
But it wasn't that Greed was no longer greedy, the clay that formed him was the same but somehow, he had managed to warm it up again (under the fires of his experiences, or even just those of his personality), discard the mold Father had given him, make himself into a new shape.
This all sounded exhausting. And it meant that no matter what, Envy would always be green.
…
...but maybe, it would be nice.
By then the sun was inching its way towards the center of the earth, and the warming rocks felt good on their stiffening muscles, and they were reminded of the people in the gardens and they laughed out loud. Now that was another thing! Why had they been so hesitant to embrace it? It was a wonderful opportunity!
The red dawn was still seared into their eyes, and it was to that they should have looked all along, instead of being obsessed with the darkest parts of the night still festering behind them. This was Xing, a huge land filled to the brim with its own secrets and mysteries and histories completely distinct. In this world, they were not a homunculus, not the middle child in a family of monsters, not the worm. Here, they were something else entirely, and the thought overwhelmed them with a glee so penetrating they curled in on themself and laughed, even though it hurt to do so.
A sound caught Envy's ears then- wooden wheels, the shuffling of clothes, things separate from the ambiance of nature. They realized they were lying next to a path- in the dark, they hadn't seen it, but this mountain had the efforts of man imprinted on it. It must have been home to one of Xing's orders of cloud-dwelling monks.
They tried to sit up, but doing that and stifling their laughter at the same time was hard. They probably looked absolutely feral, but they couldn't help it, even as the source of the sound rounded a pile of stones and came into view- it was a little old man, one dressed in the distinctive colours of the order, pushing a cart of coloured silks. His skin was darkened and leathery, no doubt from years of traveling these paths, and the curve of his spine made him even shorter than Envy was. When he saw them he stopped, clearly shocked, what? Had he never run across such a cute, scantily-clad monster on his travels before? Haha. In the morning light, they were sure they were almost blinding.
"Are you alright?" he called, his voice surprisingly carrying over the wind, and Envy laughed at him, their own voice even clearer.
"Of course I'm alright. I'm fine, everything's fine, and the sun will rise again tomorrow!" This they said with a brightness that seemed to come from some terrible place inside, they clearly alarmed the monk, and the sight of his frightened face gave them a pleasure they almost couldn't believe. When was the last time they had felt this good? During Ishval, it must have been. Another place where the sun had been hot and the wind high and they had been something close to free.
"...what are you?" The monk asked, and they knew he must think they were a spirit, something risen from legend. They licked their teeth and grinned at him, about to say some pointless thing, and then they paused- to their surprise, they were standing at a crossroads, here. They could leave- keep flying East, fly to the end of the world or whatever lay beyond it. They could become a myth, something that people only saw in fleeting glimpses at dusk, they could burn themselves down to nothing and never speak sane words again. If they wanted to, they could tell this little man anything- that they were a god, or a fire fox, or a great thunderbird as they had been last night. They could even tell him the truth. It wouldn't matter. They could say any of these things and then they would be free the way the wind was and it would all be over. Or…
Even as they thought of these things, Envy knew they wouldn't say them. Freedom was alright, but they could never handle being alone.
And it wasn't like it would be bad. He loved them, after all.
So to answer the little man Envy tossed their head back, like they were proud, and with the fierceness blooming in their veins maybe that wasn't a lie, like before.
"I'm the Emperor's dragon," they crowed, and with how their eyes and skin glittered they knew he believed them. "So you'd better pay some fucking respect!"
They weren't even angry, but they said it like that anyway so he would flinch, and they cackled. And they weren't so tired anymore that they couldn't put on a decent show, like they had before- like they planned to do from now on.
When they were massive and beautiful and covered in scales that shone like emeralds in the sun, they roared, a sound that filled the mountain air and splintered it like candy glass. Something to leave so that when this one told the other monks what he had seen, they would believe him. Everyone would believe them. It wasn't a legend anymore- they had decided that much. Every lie was the truth until proven otherwise. And hell, even the Emperor agreed!
As fast as their winding shape could take them they flew back to the palace, this time lower to the ground, letting their tail skim treetops, whirling around the spires of human architecture. They wanted to be seen, and remembered, the Xing sun making them more powerful than the depths of Father's Underground ever had.
When they made it back they felt incandescent- like they had lit themself on fire and burned through until all they had left were hollow crystals for bones. The sun was starting to tip back towards the horizon.
They found Greed in the rock garden, sighting him by air- he was all alone, and so tiny from up there, but they knew him anyway. They turned back into themself a little too high up in the air, it was a mistake but they didn't care, and when they landed in the perfect granite circle on heavy limbs it cracked down the middle.
"Oops," they tried to say, breathless, but almost instantly Greed was on them, smothering them in an embrace that was strangely, almost cool- maybe they really had been on fire, up there.
"Envy," he whispered in their ear, and in spite of it all they hugged him back, realizing that after all the things they had said to him the night before he must have feared the happenings of their disappearance. He must have thought that they had been planning to leave him forever, one way or another.
"I don't hate you," they mumbled into his shoulder. "That was a lie." Probably.
Greed only held them closer.
"I won't go away again," they continued. "I told an old man I was a dragon, and so-"
Greed pulled back abruptly then, and for a second they saw that his eyes were wet, and then he kissed them, a crushing, possessive kiss that made them shiver. This was surely the right decision after all.
When he released them again it was for inspection, drawing away to touch them all over, like he was afraid they might have been hurt in some impossible way. Slowly and surely the wrinkle in his brows started to relax, the tense frown scarring his lips began to soften, and before long he was looking at them just for the sake of looking.
It was a little embarrassing to meet a gaze like that, and so Envy let their eyes wander, catching a glitter in the broken stone circle- their golden ball. Greed must have brought it outside.
"That's mine," they said pointlessly, stooping to pick it up, and as they did so they realized how utterly exhausted they were- even pretend muscles had a limit that could be reached, and when they straightened they swayed.
"No, it's mine," said Greed, and when they looked at him he smiled. "And so are you."
Envy snorted, but his smile was returned, on just the corners of their lips.
"Yeah, well. I want to take a bath."
Greed leaned in again to kiss their forehead, their cheek.
"We'll run a big one, then. After all, you are my dragon."
To that, they laughed.