She woke up in a field of flowers, the crashing of the waves hitting each of her senses as she moved closer to the cliff, staring down at the clear blue ocean, ready to swallow her whole.
Themyscira was beautiful.
The smells overwhelmed her, wind rushing through her hair as the bright sun shone off her bronze breastplate, golden skirt shimmering whenever she moved.
"How is it possible you're so grown up?" A voice she had only heard in dreams asked, causing her to whirl around.
Brown eyes met blue and Steve Trevor's smile lit up the entire island.
"Dad?" She asked, moving forward. The blades of grass tickled the hair on her legs, sandals barely peeling off the fresh ground beneath her feet. She's been surrounded by cement walls and streets for so long, she almost forgot what the Earth felt like.
The natural ground beneath her feet.
The wind brushing through the curled locks that fell just past her shoulder.
"You look just like your mother," Steve whispered, brushing his hand against her tanned cheek, wiping away a loose piece of hair that had fallen from her half-braid. "You got my smile though." His teeth broke free, finally seeing the coveted expression cross her father's face.
She let a tear drop from the corner of her eye, leaning into the palm of his hand again.
But it wasn't there.
He wasn't there.
"Dad?" She called into the void, circling herself, eyes darting around in earnest, "Dad are you there? Dad? Dad!?"
Ray heard the screams not long after he had brought Alex to the medbay. It was guttural, like she had lost something irreplaceable. When he showed up in the medbay, he found out she had.
"Dad!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, her voice higher than he had ever heard it, "Dad!"
"What happened?" He asked, chest twisting in worry at the sight of one of their best warriors squirming in pain.
"Ms. Prince has had a complication" Stein turned toward him, trying to hold the spastic woman down. It was almost entertaining to watch. The way Alex's strength outweighed the professor's own.
"Ye- I know," Ray replied, annoyance entering his tone, "What sort of complication?"
He held his breath. He had three PHDs, he could help out Stein with a medical problem. He healed himself several times over. He could heal a demigoddess.
She shot up, somehow defying the chemistry of Gideon's sedative.
Ray wouldn't put it past her metabolism.
"He's here!" She yelled, eyes watery from her hysterics. Her fingers latched themselves around Ray's available arm, wild eyes staring into his own. "My Dad's here somewhere, I have to see him."
Her grip loosened as Gideon administered another sedative, the spasms in Alex's body growing shorter, getting slower. Soon the only movement she was making was underneath her eyelids as she entered REM sleep.
"Pieces of the dagger have broken off," Stein explained, pointing at the medical chart, "They are en route to her heart. Her wound has already closed up so we can't operate."
Ray's pulse quickened. His brain worked overtime, trying to discover any other option than what had first popped into his head.
"So what do we do?" He gulped down the lump forming in his throat as he caught glances with Stein.
The Professor stuttered out a half-assed excuse, "The fragments are minuscule, even Gideon isn't capable of neutralizing them."
That horrible idea was back, urging him to try it out. But Ray didn't know if he could do it. If he could save her.
He bit the inside of his cheek, setting his jaw. "Fortunately, there's technology on board that is," Ray stood up straight, facing Stein, "The ATOM suit. I can shrink down, slip into her bloodstream, and use the photon blasters to neutralize the fragments."
The older man stuttered again, gesticulating wildly, "You'd be pushing the suit's limits. We, we should run some tests first, test everything out-"
"This isn't the ivory tower professor," Ray began, his anxiety skyrocketing to an ungodly amount, "We don't have time, Alex could die!"
"Which is why we should be precise-"
"I'm not your student anymore professor-"
Martin finally burst, "You were never my student! If you had been, I would've taught you the principles of scientific analysis, not this...bravado!"
And just like that, everything Ray had been pushing back since reappearing from the dead resurfaced.
He was a failure.
He was unimportant.
He was nothing.
But he was the only one who could save Alex.
"There's no time professor!" Ray spoke through gritted teeth, straightening his spine as he tried to regain some of his confidence, "I'm going in."
She was back in Boston, younger. She could tell because her limbs hadn't caught up with the rest of her yet.
Gangly and lanky, yet somehow able to get Grant McAlister to ask her to homecoming. She blamed Aphrodite's charm that she had blessed the Amazons with.
The rooftop felt good, positive. Like it was where she belonged.
"Your mother loved this view," Steve announced, wrapping his arm around the teenager beside him, her awful side bangs falling in her face, "You're just like her. Kind, compassionate, sharp tongue."
She chuckled at his attempt at a joke, leaning into his side. "I wish I could see the best in people like she did."
It wasn't meant to be said aloud.
It wasn't even meant to be thought.
But now there it was, hanging in the air, minutes before her Dad would disappear again.
She needed answers. She needed to know where he went.
"You do" Steve assured her, his floppy dirty-blonde hair falling in his eyes, "You have the most trusting heart of anyone I've ever met. Alfie, Kara, Thomas, even Snart. You connect with them."
She shook her head, brushing a stray piece of hair from her forehead, "No I don't, I only connect with them because of our shared trauma. If anyone of them knew anything real about me-"
"They'd love you just as much as I do," Steve's hands found themselves cupping her face, his signature before he faded, just like all of the other versions she had come across.
After his disappearance, she stared down at where the street should be.
Instead, there was just an endless whirlpool of crashing waves, waiting to swallow her whole.
She took a deep breath and jumped.
This was a terrible idea. Of course, it was. He didn't know what he was thinking.
"You ready?" Ray asked when all he wanted to do was run as far away from the medbay as possible.
Stein turned toward him, nodding an affirmative, "Yes."
Ray shot a look at the sleeping woman beside him. Her brown waves splayed across the blue seat and her usually serious face serene.
He had to do this.
He had to save Alex.
She was important back on her universe. She was needed on the Legends.
He pressed the button on his chest and shrank, sending a prayer to whatever entity above that he would make it out alive.
Her bloodstream swirled around him, tinting his already dark goggles with red as her blood cells floated past without a care in the world.
If it wasn't for the giant rock headed his way, he never would've guessed she was close to dying.
The blue photons left his hands, smashing the rock into smithereens. The smile left his face as a remnant went crashing into his suit, an awful beeping filling his ears as he waited for what seemed like forever.
Flashes of Anna dying before him invaded his vision.
Sounds of the photons malfunctioning before being declared legally dead rattled his head.
The voices were back, whispering failure, failure, failure, nothing, nothing, nothing.
He could usually drown them out no problem.
This time he chose to listen to them.
"Professor plot me a course out of here!" Ray yelled in the comms unit, trying to banish the repeating sensations from his nightmares, "I'm losing core containment. Now!"
National City was bustling this time of year. Bright lights and Christmas trees.
All she needed was a cup of peppermint hot cocoa and her Christmas Eve would've been perfect. Just her and Alfie and Kara and several holiday specials from the Danvers home.
She sat at one of the tables, sorting through the papers Alfie had placed on her desk that morning.
He was thinking about buying CatCo, trying to beat out Lena Luthor for the deed.
She hadn't known why until Kara had shown up at his office and ripped into him about him risking his life a few days ago.
She smirked at the memory, taking a sip from her freshly made cup of hot chocolate as she went over the contract, looking for anything that needed to be corrected.
Motion tore her gaze forward and she froze, the paper lid stopping at her lips.
"Mom?" She asked, meeting the wide-eyed stare of the world's savior.
"Hello Alexandra," Diana's accent cut through the air, a soft smile crawling across her face, "I think we need to talk."
Ray sat in the cargo bay, the exact spot he had been in the day before, trying to reconcile his own uselessness to the timestream before Alex and Sara had stepped up to pull him out of his self-pity.
Before they had gone after Savage and almost gotten Alex killed.
"I believe I determined a way to better track the fragments still inside Miss Prince's bloodstream." Stein's voice interrupted his reverie, breaking through the comforting silence Ray had enjoyed, "Next time you'll be better prepared."
He scraped his teeth against his bottom lip before turning back to his suit, "There won't be a next time."
"Can't you fix the suit?"
Ray never took his eyes off his invention, not wanting to discuss his own inadequacies at the moment, "It's not the suit."
"Raymond, you mustn't be discouraged." Stein tried to comfort him, moving closer, "We're- we're scientists. We learn from our failures."
"Alex isn't a lab experiment," Ray exclaimed, the sudden burst of emotion propelling him upward until he towered over Stein again, "she's a person."
Stein's mouth sputtered, "I know, you need to have confidence that this will work."
A mirthless chuckle left his lips, shaking his head back and forth, "Well I don't." The same chorus of failure, nothing, useless, rang in his head, "I can't-I can't save her."
"Based on what evidence?" Stein offered, always thinking like a scientist. Didn't he know what it was like to lose someone you loved? "Are we not empirical thinkers Dr. Palmer? Exactly how many people have you lost?"
Ray's expression became solemn as flashbacks permeated his memory.
The crack of her neck.
The guttural scream he had released.
The helplessness he had felt.
"One." He replied, his body numb as the memories came flooding back.
"Who did you lose?" Stein pushed, not understanding the boundary Ray had set, "Someone close to you? Who was she, Raymond?"
"Y'know, for someone who doesn't remember me," He deflected, not wanting to talk about his dead fiance anymore, "You sure have a lot of personal observations to make."
It was a defense mechanism.
A way to push the people who wanted to know aside.
He had learned that after Felicity and Oliver.
One of the last lessons they had taught him.
Keep the stuff that matters, the trauma, the intrusive thoughts. Keep it all inside.
"Fine," Stein conceded, recognizing that he wasn't getting anywhere, "Don't talk to me, but fix the suit." The shameful look the professor sent him sent his stomach growling in guilt, "It's the only choice that poor girl has."
Ray watched as Stein's figure retreated back into the main hull of the ship, his eyes trained on the spot his former teacher had been before moving back to the suit.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, creasing her eyebrows as she met Diana's forever stoic expression, "I thought you were back on Themyscira."
Diana leaned forward, her red turtleneck standing out amongst the white of the table, "I'm only here because you will it."
"What?"
Her mother's hand intertwined itself with hers, "This isn't real, paidi mou."
She leaned back against the booth she had snuggled herself in, shaking her head back and forth. No, she had seen her father. She had to believe this was real. She had to believe that…
"I'm dying aren't I?"
Diana nodded, a solemn look swirling in her dark eyes as she rubbed her thumb against the watch strap she had given her daughter. "I miss him too."
Alex met her mother's stare, a lone tear trailing down her face as the two women stared at the exit of the coffeeshop, how the waves she had jumped into so many times before were lapping against the edge of the door, ready for her to surrender herself to them once more.
"You have to let him go," Diana urged, pushing a lone strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "It's the only way to move forward."
"I don't want to," Her voice was hoarse, choked up, "I don't want to forget him."
Diana smiled softly, "You won't."
Alex closed her eyes, breathing in and out as she remembered the constructions of her father she created in her mind. The fake conversations they would have, the resentment she harbored toward her mother for being unable to save him.
The resentment she felt toward him for sacrificing himself in the first place.
It was like breathing in new life, expelling what kept her tethered to her old life, allowing her to move forward.
She opened her eyes and National City was gone.
Ray stared at the slowly deteriorating body of his friend, her calm demeanor and still body betraying nothing of her actual circumstances.
She looked as if she was sleeping and not on death's door.
His stomach was eating itself inside out with guilt, pressing against his chest and whispering murderer, failure, useless.
"I know how it feels." A voice broke through his reverie.
Ray whipped around to face they greying man, trying to seem nonchalant, "What?"
"To have a crisis of confidence." Stein spoke out, still trying to coerce Ray into talking about his past, "As unlikely as that might seem, I know." Stein tried to comfort the other scientist. Ray stared at the man, hoping his face didn't betray the emptiness he felt inside.
"It was 2002." Stein continued, "I was teaching quantum mechanics and I had one particularly gifted student. He was able to solve the Ehrenfest Theorem in less than an hour. He was, quite frankly, the only student in all my years of teaching who ever made me feel inferior."
Ray scoffed inwardly, suddenly realizing where the professor was going with his story, "That student...was you. You were exceptional."
Ray raised his brow skeptically, something tugging at his conscience, "And just like that you remember having me in your class?"
Stein shifted on his feet, a wrinkle on the edge of the mouth twitching, "I always remembered, I just enjoyed taking your ego down a peg or two." His lips perked up and Ray let a chuckle escape his lips.
"Why are you telling me this now?" He asked, something uncomfortable stirring in his gut as he met Stein's eyes.
Stein moved forward, his tone becoming almost disappointed, "Because for the life of me I cannot reconcile that cocksure student I remember with a man who believes he does not have what it takes to save Miss Prince's life. Who did you lose Raymond?"
He fidgeted in his seat, going against every instinct he had built up in his lonely life since coming back from the dead.
Maybe it wouldn't be so sad if someone else knew.
"My fiance, Anna Loring." Ray began, struggling to keep the tears from breaking past his eyes, "She was killed two years ago in a Starling City siege. Right in front of me." The knot in his stomach moved upward, getting caught in his throat as her smiling face flashed across his mind once more, "I couldn't have stopped them. I couldn't do anything. My leg had been broken. I couldn't get to her. I could only watch as they broke her neck."
The voices were back, useless, nothing, failure. He's never been a hero. "I built this suit because I promised myself that night that I would never be powerless to save anyone again. So when a fragment broke free and damaged my suit, I...I panicked. Froze." Ray finally admitted, his own insecurity hanging in the air, ready for scrutiny.
He prepared himself for a lecture. For Stein to tell him that it wasn't his fault. That it was survivor's guilt. That he was being irrational.
It never came.
"Raymond," Stein began, his tone softening, "you couldn't save Anna, but you can save Alexandra. I believe it, I...believe in that student." His hand found itself on Ray's arm, the gesture sending something calming washing over him, "And I need him to believe in it too."
Silence hung between the two peers and Ray shot his gaze over to Alex's still body.
The woman who had risked her life for them.
The woman who had gone hand to hand with Savage and almost won.
The woman who, without knowing who he was, gave him a chance.
Her chest rose and fell with steady breaths, and something in his brain went off. The voices shut off and a different phrase rang through his head.
Girl Scout was right, looks like you're not so useless after all.
"Let's do it."
Shrinking down was the easiest part of the operation. As he passed by the cell walls and red blood cells that tinted his vision red, he kept repeating the same phrase over and over in his head.
You're not useless. You're not useless. You're not useless.
Snart had said it and Alex and Stein had endorsed it. It must be true on some level.
All of his concentration was focused on keeping his head screwed on straight and focused on the mission, he had to resist yelling at the professor whenever he interjected.
"How does Jax put up with having you in his head?" Ray settled on instead, aiming the photon blasters at the meteorite sized rocks propelling his way.
"I believe he finds my presence comforting." Stein protested, clearly not happy with Ray's tone or being accused of being annoying.
"I doubt it." Ray remarked, smirking inwardly as he blasted the penultimate fragment apart, Targeting system's overloaded." He observed, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice. Trying to keep the intrusive thoughts from returning.
You're not useless. You're not useless. You're not useless.
"Focus Raymond," Stein's voice came over the comms, bringing him out of his stupor, "Remember it's not the suit, it's you that Alexandra needs right now."
At the sound of her name, he was brought back to the mission at hand. He blasted any remaining pieces, carefully floating through the now empty bloodstream, a victorious cheer heard in his ears.
"Well done," Stein exclaimed, "One more fragment to go."
Ray couldn't stop himself from smiling. He wasn't a failure. He wasn't nothing. He was saving Alex.
"I see it, it's the biggest one yet." He responded, all semblance of nervousness gone as he pressed the blasters again, eliminating every piece, every negative thought dissipating with the steel fragments as he began to chart a course out of Alex's circulatory system.
He landed on solid ground with a bright smile on his face as Stein began to praise him again.
"Well done!" The professor called.
Just as Ray was getting ready to call the Professor out on lying to him, his response was cut off with the sound of a gasp, Alex jumping up from her sleeping position.
"Guess the sedative wore off," Ray thought aloud, moving forward to help stabilize the newly healed warrior.
Alex's dark eyes darted around, unsure of her surroundings. "What the hell happened to me?"
"The knife shards in your bloodstream almost reached your heart," Stein began to explain, "Dr. Palmer eradicated them before they could do any permanent damage."
Her wide gaze met his and he shrugged, taken aback by the innocence that met him. She was always so serious, always so stern and mature.
It was nice to see another part of her.
"Thank you," She whispered, pushing herself out of the chair, ignoring Stein and Ray's own protests.
Her hand went absentmindedly to her decuffed wrists, massaging the old leather watch before her eyebrows shot up and she came to attention.
"My cuffs," She told the two, "I need them."
"You need to sit down," Ray assured her, trying to guide her back to the seat. Alex shook her head, "No, you don't understand, I need my cuffs. I'm dangerous without them."
She latched onto his arms and he swore he could feel the tiniest shake of her body. Her eyes were no longer innocent and questioning, but fearful and...childlike.
It was something he had never seen from her before.
"Ray, please, you don't understand-"
"Hey" Ray interrupted her, placing his still armored hand on her shoulder, "Sit down and rest and I'll go grab them okay?"
She nodded, complying with his instructions while he left the room, his mind reeling from the state he had found her in.
He didn't think much could frighten an Amazon.
So what did?
She couldn't stop rubbing her wrists.
Her bare wrists.
If she was without them too long her power would start to leak out. It would start small.
An irritating eyeroll here and there. A rude comment every once in a while.
But soon it would get out of control.
She could destroy the whole ship. She forced herself to breathe in deep breaths and focus on something else. Anything else.
The mission.
Kendra had come by to visit her after hearing that she was awake. Mostly to tell Stein about the vision she had of Rip and Sara in trouble, but she appreciated the girl checking in on her anyway.
They were cut from the same cloth. Demi goddesses with amazing power that could potentially destroy the world.
So why did something rub her the wrong way about the former barista? Her hands rubbed against the watch and she forced the lump in her throat back down into her stomach.
Her dad was gone.
Dead.
There was no way he could've come back even if he wanted to.
Her mom was right.
She had to let him go.
"Here you go!" Ray's cheerful voice rang through the empty medbay, now back in his regular clothes, the silver bracers shining in his hands, "One pair of magical Grecian cuffs as ordered."
Alex forced a small smile on her face as she slid her wrists through the bracers, relaxing once they were snug around her wrists.
She felt a pair of eyes on her and met Ray's curious gaze.
"Why do you need them?" He asked.
"What?" She stammered, caught off guard by his question.
"Your bracelets," Ray gestured to the cuffs surrounding her wrists, "You said you need them. I just...wanna know why."
Her eyes narrowed as she swung her legs around to face the man who had saved her life, "Why do you wanna know?" suspicion was clear in her tone, for good reason. These bracers were her lifeline. If anyone wanted to know what they were to her-
"You told me that I don't understand," Ray repeated, moving closer before shrugging, "I want to."
A tense silence stood between the two, Alex weighing her options.
She was supposed to be a part of a team.
That meant trusting others. Who better than the man who had just saved her from death?
"They keep my power reigned in," She exhaled, the confession relieving several weights from her chest, "When I turned ten, I had this weird explosion of power." She began to explain, "It only came out when I was sad, or angry and after finding out about my dad…" She trailed off, the ending statement implied. Alex shook her head free of the thought, "Anyway, that's when my mom took me to Themyscira. She put the bracelets on me and I've worn them ever since."
Ray nodded, his expression growing sympathetic as he put all the pieces together.
"So if you go too long without them-"
'-I could blow up the whole ship" She finished, biting her lip in embarrassment. She hated telling people. Not just because it could be used against her, but because of how people looked at her afterward. Like she was a bomb ready to go off any minute.
Ray didn't look at her like that though. His smile was sympathetic, his eyes holding only curiosity.
"I'm, uh, I'm sorry about your dad." He chose to change the subject, stuffing his hands in his pockets, "If it's any consolation, you're not the only person on this ship who has lost someone."
Alex nodded, her soft smile pulling at her lips, "Who'd you lose?"
Ray sighed before joining her on the seat, his long legs stretched out before him as he clasped his hands together, "Her name was Anna. She was...amazing."
"You really loved her huh?" Alex asked, hoping she wasn't being too forward with her questions. Ray nodded, his smile disappearing into a frown, water gathering at the edge of his eyes.
"Yeah, I did."
She had seen that look on her mother's face so many times, she knew what it meant. He had lost someone irreplaceable. So had she.
All she could do was place her hand on his knee in a gesture of silent comfort, he reached over to cover her hand with his, the two sitting together in solidarity as they stared into the empty medbay.