Happy May 4th. Ya might need a bit 'o knowledge of the Starwars Legends (EU), but I'm not fussy.
...When a classic movie fandom's characters are just exhausted... (literally)
Timeframe: A little over four months ago… in a galaxy far, far away…
[Opening] In a theater on a planet in the distant Outer Rim, Luke Sk., Leia O.S., Han S., have just walked into the lobby from seeing the new Disney Starwars movie "Rise of Skywalker." Each has a tired, aggrieved look on their faces. Flashy lights and advertisements are plastered along the cinema walls, and several movie-goers are milling about the lobby.
Luke Sk: [opens door from theater into lobby using the Force] Now I'm not a master or anything, but I really couldn't keep up with that plot at all. [Leia O.S., Han S nod dully] Too fast, too much, too little sense. They ruined us...
Han S: Kid, I don't even want to know how many Imperial Credits went into the making of that.
Luke Sk: [with a furrowed brow] I can still sense a disturbance in the force - a million fans crying out in terror and were suddenly silenced… by this movie.
Leia S: [musing] I suppose you do have to admit, I do look pretty good in CGI.
Han S: Ah, the CGI in our day, your worshipfulness, was the time. Sometimes I wonder why we can't return to those glory days!? [crosses arms]
Luke Sk: [Still in a daze] Ever since the sell-out, I've even found their lack of creativity disturbing. Decades of tradition and legacy, lost! [Leia concedes this point with a nod of her braided head.]
Leia S: Well, I for one appreciated that my son finally found his way to the Light side -
[Suddenly mon calamari Admiral Ackbar exits theater opposite them, tears in his aquatic eyes]
Adm. Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!
[He tries desperately to ward off any locals from entering any more theaters showing Rise of Skywalker]
Han S: [a cynical mutter] Some things will never change...
Luke Sk: [still hung on his sister's comment] But it would have been so much cooler if your son had lured that other lady character (what was her name?) to the dark side! Even now I can't imagine that I would have taught him to be so… tawdry.
[He glares at a projected hologram poser of the movie portraying the two main characters with flashy poses.]
[Mara Jade, having already seen the movie, returns from cantina and shows up behind them with cans of Batuu Sprite]
Mara. J: Oh, such a shame, farmboy; I was great in them!
[She flips her red hair disgruntledly and hands her husband one of the drinks]
Luke Sk: [exasperated] At least you don't have a death wish toward someone in your own family!
Leia S: [trying to calm the increasingly-distressed group as they walked toward the door] Now, now, I'm sure in the movie, Ben would have known his uncle Luke meant nothing of the kind!
Han S: [looking like a huffy, over-protective father]I still don't approve of that Rey character. Not the type of jedi I'd let hang around my son.
Mara J: [chuckling] I mean, I thought nothing could have been as disagreeable after Phantom Menace, but I think we hit an even more menacing continuation to the legacy. Why did you even bother when your all so tired of this?
[Leia pouts at this]
[Wearied, Luke thunks his head against the cinema door, holding up the others]
Leia S: [beginning to get ruffled herself:] Oh, just use some Force, Luke!
[Mara Jade takes a nonchalant sip of her Batuu Sprite]
Luke Sk: [defeatedly] I'm ruined. We're ruined. I wonder how much the Box got from this…
Han S: Didn't I say, 'I have a bad feeling about this'?
Leia S: Didn't I say that fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering?
[Mara pushes the door open herself. The debate gets even more heated as their airspeeder]
Luke Sk: I mean they did Marvel right in twenty three films. How could they wear us out like that in only THREE sequels?!
Han S: [snorting] At least your wife isn't a Disney princess!
Leia S: [sighing] That does it! When we get back to the Falcon, this princess is flying us straight to Dagobah to drop you two scruffy-looking nerf-herders off there!
Luke Sk: [Dully] They ruined us…
Han S: Hey, don't count off your porgs before they've hatched, kid. At least they won't make another sequel.
[All of them pause. A beat.]
Leia S: I'll settle for that… Home?
Luke Sk: Yeah, I'm feeling pretty exhausted...
[As they pile into the airspeeder, Mara hesitates and looks back at the audience. She winks as she Force lifts her empty Sprite can into a nearby holocycler.]
Mara J: And May the Fourth be with you!
Is your brain mush?