Gateway to His Heart—Chapter 3
A/N: This is entirely Tim's point of view
I have to admit that I almost turned around when I saw Gibbs standing by the window. There have been so many times that I've been the butt of one of Tony's jokes and was afraid that tonight was going to end up the same way. I offered him a way out, which he denied.
He then reminded me that he was the one who had sent in the email and then Gibbs surprised me by going through a quick role play. I hadn't expected that of him and it helped me understand him a little bit more. See him as a human more than that person I'd put on a pedestal years ago. Oh he's tumbled off of it, several times but…my heart is not always as wise as my head wants it to be. And my heart was lost to this man a long time ago.
We talked for a bit then I touched the small beeper on my waist to let our hostess know that we were almost ready to eat. We eat in a leisurely silence and I am so relaxed by the time our meal ends that when I sit back against the booth I almost forget that he might need a ride home. After all, the winner was supposed to get a free limo ride to and from the restaurant as well as a chance to talk to me. I hadn't planned on anything else happening after that. And then I just had to open my big mouth and blurt out the one question that has been on my mind all night.
"Why did you want to come on this date?"
I walk over to the window, not sure I want to hear what his reply will be. It's a few more seconds before he follows me and then he says the last thing I ever expected to hear from him.
"'Maybe I still want to open that one window to your soul that is so open to everyone else, but shuttered when you see me. I'm as much to blame; I'm not that easy to read and I damn sure don't like letting people in.'"
I couldn't help it when I could feel myself pleading with him; almost begging him to tell me more. When he admits to wanting to find that gateway to my heart and then brings my hand up to his lips I almost feel my knees buckle. Then he asks me to finish our date by taking him home.
For a moment I think he's actually disappointed in me, and then I see the look in his eyes. He's almost as afraid of the night ending as I am. I slowly nod and we walk out to the private garage where my friend has once again anticipated my needs.
A private limousine not associated with Crawshaw or the publishing agency is waiting for us; and the driver admits that she's under specific instructions for two destinations. It's up to us to choose if we want to go straight back to Gibbs' house or is there another destination that as my guest he has in mind. To my surprise he asks the limo driver if we can just have a leisurely drive for the next few hours, preferably along the seaboard.
We get inside the limo and I notice for the second time that night that he's not wearing his wedding ring; the one that he'd exchanged with Shannon. I hate myself for the slight jealousy I feel. He'd lost his first family after all.
And then to my horror of horrors hear myself asking, "Is it because of our date?"
He doesn't pretend to misunderstand the question. Instead he takes my hand and caresses it. He kisses my knuckles and a shiver of electricity starts at my toes as he slowly runs a finger around my ring finger; it is almost like he is taking a measurement.
Silver blue eyes stare into mine as he states that he'd taken off his ring when he realized just how much he wanted to be on this date.
"No ghosts between us Tim; just you and me on a first date."
"You didn't have to do that Jethro. I know that Shannon and Kelly meant a lot to you."
"Mmm…my first love. We met in Stillwater, did you know that?"
"Will you tell me about her? About them?"
He does and the next hour is filled with stories about Shannon and Kelly. Some of the places they went to as a family; the sorrow he always felt whenever he had to go back overseas. The horror on finding out that they were killed while he was in Afghanistan. The anger and subsequent revenge on finding their killer.
The quiet pride in his voice when he tells me about just joining NIS and then getting his own team and formulating it to his standards.
Then comes the moment I've been waiting for, and dreading. When he looks me in the eye and asks me, "What are you hiding Tim? Why are you so afraid of me? What has you so afraid that you can't come to me when you need my help? Why can't you talk to me? Especially when I've just bared my soul to you. "
He takes my hands and stares at me, blue eyes earnestly gazing into mine. I try not to break down but he's right; he has just opened up and told me some of his deepest secrets. Secrets that I don't think even Ducky knows.
"Talk to me Tim. What happened with your father? How can you have such deep ties to that restaurant and its owners when it's not even open yet?"
I sit back against the seat, struggling to control my emotions especially my tears as memories of the past start unraveling. I pull and yank on the door handle needing to escape; I can feel something similar to claustrophobia washing over me. Thankfully the car is already at a standstill as I open the door and start running.
Gibbs doesn't bother wasting his breath calling out my name. I'm not even aware that he's keeping pace until I finally slow down and sink to my knees. I can feel the sand under my hands and then Gibbs sits next to me and pulls me into his arms. I try halfheartedly to escape, but then he whispers, "Talk to me, Tim; help me to understand."
I lean against him and for the first time in almost five years I can feel the stuttering start. I swallow hard, and take a few deep breaths as I collect myself. Gibbs is at his most patient right now as he runs a hand over my hair, waiting for me to tell him what he needs to know.
"I—I need you to know that…it's not really you that I'm afraid of. Rather, it's a reflection of what…oh hell."
Patience, while thy name is not usually Leroy Jethro Gibbs, tonight it is. He stays silent, letting me gather my thoughts without the usual head smack or snarky comment.
"Our basement, much like yours, was the place that dad went to think or to drink. Only he didn't do much of either when he was down there and one morning he didn't come back upstairs. I remember mom keeping her voice steady as she called the police letting them know that dad had disappeared; the snarky tone of the policeman's voice as he took mom's statement and then nothing. We waited for the phone to ring from this hospital or that, but it would be another two years before we would hear from him and then it was by accident that we found him."
I can hear Gibbs intake of breath as he immediately realizes what I'm saying, "Amnesia, and no one knew how to break through to him."
Unlike Gibbs, who'd had not just Ziva, but also the director to help his memory come back, my dad had somehow managed to travel to Colorado. He'd been beaten several times and left for dead in a gutter behind a restaurant that was being renovated. The owner had come out and the man known only as Bertie Mackay slowly regained his health in a small hospital near Aspen, Colorado. Once out of the hospital, the restaurant owner offered him a job as a line cook first and then as an assistant manager.
"How did you finally find him?" Gibbs asks.
"We were visiting other relatives just before I was supposed to start MIT and they mentioned the restaurant. Dad had come whistling through the door. I remember staring at him wondering why he didn't say hello or anything and then he'd walked back into the kitchen.
Sarah had been heartbroken and Mom had tears running down her face. I'd stormed into the back room and he still hadn't known who I was. We stayed there for two more weeks; getting more and more frustrated. Nothing happened to break through to him and then his boss had returned from an assignment overseas. She'd taken one look at the four of us and known immediately who we were, what to do and how to reactivate dad's memory.
It's not your drinking I'm afraid of Gibbs." I look up into his blue eyes and he nods as he tries to grasp what I'm telling him.
"You're afraid that one day I won't recognize you when I come home."