Biblewatch: The Holy Adventures of Winston and his Christian Friends

by TheRealJeremy

Overwatch and friends go back to meet jesus and pals with a few twists and turns along the way. With new faces and old faces, you'll learn that you CAN teach an old messiah new tricks. For maximum immursion, I would have cast Mel Gibson as Winston and Adam Sandler as Jesus. Do with that information what you will.

Preface

Hey there, true believer! As we all know, the coronavirus has ravaged the populace and brought death and destruction to the human race. Many great works have come out of times of tribulation. I like to think that this is my gift to humanity much as Jesus was God's gift. I was born in a small town on Danger Island, a U.S. territory island in the Pacific of the coast of Oregon. You've never heard of it because of the secretive nature of the U.S. military base which brings the island most of its economic gain. I like to think that my childhood of isolation has been a melting pot of ideas which has pent up in my brain to the point where the climax explodes onto the face of this page. Thank you for supporting my work, and god bless.

Chapter 1: The Ape-postle

Winston was sitting in his room in Watchpoint Gibraltar. He was enjoying his favorite snack, a jar of crunchy peanut butter, and some limes (peel on, of course.) He was watching his favorite Christian program, Fruitstories. Suddenly, Mercy burst into the room. "Winston! I've done it! I finally found out how to bring back Jeremy*!"

(AN: Jeremy is my Overwatch original character who was introduced in my original draft of this story. He was killed off by the Omnic taliban during the Omnic gulf war, and was also Mercy's passionate lover.)

"Hold on, Mercy. It's just getting to the good part." Winston had long been dismissive of Mercy's

pursuits to bring back her incredibly sexy life partner from his watery grave. But her obsessions with playing with God's work made him uneasy. "Why must you always be so dismissive of my work? I just want to see my fiance again." Mercy said in a huff, batting her eyelashes aggressively, as a woman is want to do.

Winston slammed his peanut butter jar on the table next to him. "Mercy! I may be an ape of science, but I also believe in the sanctity of the life given to us by our lord and saviour Jesus Christ." Mercy crossed her arms. She was a very proud atheist and did not approve of Winston's piety. But they often were able to avoid the subject altogether. Unfortunately, their differences were coming to a head with this one issue.

Just as Mercy was about to argue, a flash came from both of their overwatch signal watches. It was Hammond, the man in the chair (or hamster in the chair, rather) who oversaw many of Overwatch's missions.

"Squeek squeek squeeker squeek squeekems" said hammond, who used the wrecking ball unit's translation matrix to convey his speech. The large robot ball translated in a deep, sensual robotic voice. "Attention all active Overwatch agents. We have received word that Gabriel Reyes, codename: Reaper, is on the move again. It seems he has stolen valuable time travel technology." Winston was shocked. "But what could he possibly be planning? To go back and end overwatch before it even starts?" Winston asked.

"Worse." Said Hammond, a grim look on his small furry face. "We believe that he is going to go back in time to kill Jesus."

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Winston. "But Jesus already died! He did so to repent for all the sins of humanity. And apes."

"Winston of course I know that, we both attended the same bible college at the Horizon Lunar Colony base. I'm even an ordained minister, for goodness sake!" Hammond's eyes narrowed. "But Reyes intends on going back and killing Jesus again!"

"No! We must stop him, are you with me Mercy?" Mercy looked disinterested in the whole exchange. "I don't understand how you continue to stay a devout Christian, Winston. Do apes even go to heaven?" Winston paused, as this had never occurred to him before. If God had made man in his own image, where did that leave an ape? "I… I don't know. But we have no time to discuss this, we must go stop Reaper!" And so Winston got on his overwatch bike with mercy taking the passenger's cab, and they drove off to Reaper's hideout, not knowing what was in store for them, or the great adventure they would unexpectedly be pulled into.

Chapter 2

As Winston pulled up to the old abandoned Omnic World War 2 bunker that Reaper had repurposed as his hideout, he shuttered. It gave off a very scary vibe that Winston was totally not down with. "This place is whack, Mercy." Mercy hadn't spoken for the whole ride to Germany, which made sense because she was pouting about not being able to bring her passionate lover who was incredibly handsome back to life. As they made their way through the maze-like corridors of the Omnic-nazi base, they heard a whirring sound. A glow emanated from a room and they heard talking.

"Let's get this piece of junk working!" yelled the gravelly yet sensual voice of Reaper. "I must go back in time to kill Jesus!" This confirmed his motivation in the story.

Mercy and Winston peeked around the corner and saw Reaper standing in front of a glowing machine. Next to him was Darkbjorn, Torbjorn's evil twin from Denmark. "I'm givin it all I got! Grr! I'm evil!"

"Yes you are, Darkbjorn." Reaper patted him on the head.

Winston jumped out from behind the corner. "Stop!"

"Yabba dabba do I'm bad" said Darkbjorn as he charged with lust in mind. Winston backhanded him, as Mercy went for the off switch. "NO! Darkbjorn! My only friend and platonic bed-buddy! I will avenge you!" Reaper whipped out his long, black hellfire shotgun which he blasted at Winston's supple leathery chest. Luckily his Overwatch armor was protecting him. Just as mercy was about to flip the switch, Reaper tackled her, knocking them both through the portal. "mERCYYYYYYY!" Winston yelled as he went barrelling through the portal as well. But the door was too small for his large ape body and he busted it up in the process, closing the portal with them inside.

Darkbjorn came to and saw the destroyed remains of the time portal machine. "No… Don't worry my evil friend, I will finish what you started." He got up evilly and walked into the next room. He turned on the light to reveal six science tubes that lined the dank room's walls. In each tube was a dark silhouette; short but mutated in various ways. "I guess it's time for Plan B!"

Bible Times, B.C.

Winston and Mercy awoke in a pile of sand. They had been knocked out for hours in the sand. When Winston groggily got up from the sand, he felt a breeze on his manly part. He realized that he was completely nude! "GAH!" Suddenly a voice came from the clouds. "What is wrong, my child?" Winston was startled, as he blushed at the thought of someone seeing him naked before marriage. "Who… who's there?"

"It is I, my child. The Holy father. Why are you surprised?"

Winston was totally fangirling at this point. "*holy shit holy shit holy shit its actually him*" He whispered under his breath. "I heard that." Said God. "Please do not swear in my desert."

"I'm so sorry my lord! I was just embarrassed that I didn't have any clothes on. How embarrassing!" God sighed, which sounded more like a thunderous roar. "The last time someone was embarrassed at the thought of me seeing them naked, I kicked them out of my garden.**"

(AN: This is from the first issue of Biblical Adventures #1 where God kicked Ashe-dam and McCree-ve out of the garden of eden because they ate an apple or some shit.)

"Why am I naked though? I was wearing armor and had a large tesla gun before I jumped through that portal!" Winston covered his sizable manhood with his large ape hand. "It's because you can't bring inanimate objects through the portal that did not exist in the time you are travelling to, my child. It makes it so you can't just run around with a gun and kill a bunch of defenseless people from ancient times."

At that moment, Winston realized that Reaper was nowhere to be found. "Where did he go?!" Winston exclaimed.

"Reaper awoke before you and left. He has travelled to the Pharoah's temple, my child." Winston then realized something. "Hold on… Did we travel too far back? Is this Jesus times?"

God laid out the deets. "No, this is the time of my child Moses, who is on his way to set free the people of Israel from the pharaoh's control. If you want defeat Reaper and save my begotten son, you must meet with Moses. He will know what to do for I have told him."

Winston piped up, filled with determination. "As you wish, my lord. By the way, I have a question. Do apes go to heaven?"

God was silent, then he spoke again. "I will not give you the answer you seek, my child. The information you desire is with my son. When you find him, you will find you answer."

It was at that point that Mercy awoke, clad in only her underwear, which miraculously survived, and saved Winston's pure virgin eyeballs.

"Winston? Where are we? Where is Reaper?" Both of their eyes narrowed on the path of tracks in the sand leading towards the large looming triangular structures in the distance. "We must go there, Mercy. We are in bible times and must find Moses in order to save…"

"Jesus Christ." Said mercy in exasperation. "Yes!" Said winston, happy that his partner was finally getting into the spirit of the mission. "Off we go!" They set off through the heat of the desert to find the Moses.

Chapter 3: Let My Reap-ple Go

Winston found some shitty bible times rags for him and mercy to wear. After hours of walking, they finally came across the city that the pharaoh lived in. "This is it, Mercy, the pharaoh's house!" He gazed up at the giant egyptian house. "I hope he has bananas."

They walked into the house and standing there was Moses. "Who are you?" said Moses.

"I'm Winston and this is my friend Mercy, we're here to kill Reaper and save Jesus." Winston replied.

"Oh ok. Well i just have to give the PLAGUE to this pharoah real quick, then I can help you guys." Moses held his stick in a cool position, like a gun or something.

Moses and Winston and Mercy walked into the pharaoh's room. Inside was Reaper but he was wearing egyptian clothes. "Ah, monkey. You finally made it. Well you're too late because I already killed the pharaoh." He pointed to the bloody mess that they assumed was the pharaoh's remains. "Whoopee! Now my people are free!" Moses exclaimed, he blushed very kawaii. "I guess you could say… your REAP-le are free." edged reaper.

Chapter 4: In The Beginning, God Created the Payload and the Point

Winston Mercy and Moses fell out of a portal in the sky. They had just been fighting Reaper in a epic battle but suddenly reaper opened a portal and threw them through. "Ouch!" Winston had fallen on Mercy but he accidentally fell on her boobs but he quickly got up before she (or the heavenly father) noticed.

"Where are we now?" Asked Moses. He looked around and they seemed to be in Jesus times. "Finally!" said Winston. "It's about time we can finally save Jesus!"

Mercy pouted, because she got sand in her shoes. "Oh no. I have sand in my shoes. I'm not a doctor you know."

"Yes you are." said winston.

Moses all of a sudden saw a giant BURNING BUSH. "Hey guys." said the bush. "I am an omen of bad things. But you know chill."

Winston stood in front of Mercy so as to protect her from any onslaughts. "What do you want, bush?"

"Asah dude, I'm here to tell you that Reaper has already been here for a week and has gained the trust of Judas, that guy who killed Jesus."

"Oh no! Are we too late! I really could use a banana!" Winston tearfully expressed his dismay at the situation at hand. "Nah man, but if you don't hurry to the garden of gethsemene, you will be too late to save jesus."

Moses held up his stick which had turned into a cool snake shaped homing beacon. "I can see where the garden is, it's only a three minute walk that way." Moses then swung his stick around and pointed at the tree behind them. "We've got company." He said in a cool voice.

Then a person stepped from behind the tree. It was Lucio, Winston's long time friend for whom he had been best man at the wedding that lucio had with his wife Mei.

"AYYYYY WINSTON! Whats up dude?" Lucio went up to Winston and did a cool secret handshake. "I was just kickin it and playing some call of duty when suddenly I got thrown into a portal and ended up here somehow! Whack."

"What a coincidence! We were just going to save Jesus from getting killed by Reaper and Judas. Do you want to come?" Winston ejaculated the words from his mouth.

"That sounds sick, man. Can I bring this cool-ass drum I found from some kid in Bethlehem?" Lucio rapped. "Parumpumpumpum bitch."

They set out to the garden and soon came across the last supper. Jesus was giving out some bread. As Winston looked flirtingly at the disciples, he realized that one of them was just Reaper in a wig and he was whispering to Judas and they were looking at Jesus really scarily.

"We have to stop them. It's the only way." Winston got a big rock and snuck up behind the scene of the last supper. Mercy looked at him doing this and something awoke in her. She felt many feelings, feelings that she hadn't felt since she was with Jeremy. She turned her eyes away and blushed. Moses threw out his stick which turned into a snake.

Peter was just about to take his bread that jesus was giving him but then saw the snake and screamed. "Oh no-eth. Thou is a snake-eth on thoust ground. Mine shall smite it off the ground, lord!" Peter then fought the snake.

In the commotion, Judas and Reaper snuck away, but then Winston stood in front of them. "Did someone say peanut butter?"

"No." said Judas before taking out a noose from his pocket and throwing it at Winston like a lasso.

Lucio also jumped into action. He went up behind reaper and hit him on the head with his drumstick and made reaper fall unconscious. "That's how you get tinnitus!" Lucio quipped.

Just then, Jesus appeared behind them as they were fighting. "Stop, my children. Why do you fight?"

Winston got down on his knees. "My lord, it's so cool to meet you in person."

Jesus nodded. "I know all about you, Winston. I even know your favorite food."

Winston laughed. "Hahah. I sure do love cucumbers."

"Yes you do" said Jesus. "I also know about Judas's and Reaper's plan to kill me. I must insist that you don't interfere, my child."

"Wait why?" said Winston.

"Because it is all part of my father's plan. If I die, then I will atone for all the sins mankind has ever committed or will commit in the future. But what if I die TWICE?" Jesus winked. "Then I would atone for TWICE as many sins! It's the perfect plan!"

Mercy shook her head. "Jesus Christ."

"Yes?" said Jesus.

"I understand my lord, but I have one more question before we leave. Do apes go to heaven?" Winston asked.

As Jesus was about to answer, there was a commotion. Jesus's disciple Thomas ran up to them. "Guys! The romans showed up and they took away this guy who they thought was jesus. He was carrying a drum or something."

"Oh no! They got Lucio! We have to save him! Group up with me!" So Moses and Jesus and Mercy and Winston went off to save lucio. Meanwhile, Judas and Reaper stayed behind.

"Looks like everything is going according to plan. Now onto the second plan…." said probably reaper.

Chapter 5: The Power of Science! (and Jesus)

The gang ran up the hill to where the Romans were crucifying people. "Where is Lucio?" Mercy cried as she was very emotional because it was THAT time of the month again. Suddenly they saw where he had gone.

"Hey winston, what's happening?" Lucio said as he was hanging from a cross. "This hurts like a bitch but you know what they say."

"Lucio! We have to get you down from there! You have to get home to Mei and your son, Musio."

(AN: Musio is my ship child for MeiXLucio. He's really depressed all the time and hates that his dad is famous and just wants a normal life but his dad's career makes it so various wacky shenanigans ensue for his family. You should read my other fanfiction "Musio and Me", it was really good. Ok back to the show)

"I'm afraid this is it for the old frogchamp." Said Lucio as he was starting to die because the guards had broken his legs. "Winston… remember… Heroes… never… die…." and then he died.

Winston cried as they looked at lucio who was dead. Then he turned to Jesus. "Wait… so if Lucio died and you didn't does that mean…"

"Yes. I'm afraid that Reaper pulled Lucio into Jesus times to get crucified instead of me so that the sins of mankind wouldn't be forgiven." Jesus said grimly. "We must go back to your time, my child. I'm afraid that something terrible will have happened."

Future city, Overwatch times

As Winston stepped through the portal, his clothes changed back into his armor and gun. "Oh yeah!" He said. But then he saw what the future looked like. "Oh no!" he said.

There was a scary red sky and there was fire coming from the city that they showed up at. "Oh no, somebody has to do something. WE have to do something!"

"You're right winston, we must save the town from whatever Reaper is planning!" said Mercy. "Oh, and now I believe in christianity, so now I don't want to revive my dead boyfriend as he is probably happier in heaven anyways!"

Winston was in tears. "This has been my dream for so long." He held Mercy's face passionately. "I… I have something to tell you, Mercy." Winston got down on one knee and pulled out a ring. "Will you take this ring and be my wife in holy matrimony?"

Mercy was in shock. "Oh my goodness! Yes I will winston! I wi-"

She was cut off by the bullet that went through her face. Blood showered Winston's face and muscles and wedding ring as Mercy fell to the ground. He turned to the origin of the gunshot and saw his true nemesis: Darkbjorn. He was cocking his evil rivet gun that was black and has spikes on it and smiling maniacally. Behind Darkbjorn was six other torbjorn clones that were evil. "Don't count your pigs while they're still in the bag!" Darkbjorn said menacingly.

Chapter 6 - Shit gets fucked

(AN: Hey guys, sorry if this chapter gets a little dark but my mom said I can't go see my girlfriend today because i have to clean my room so I'm really pissed off right now and it's probably gonna affect my writing)

Winston was standing over the dead body of his former fiancee Mercy as Darkbjorn and his seven deadly torbs laughed at him. It was then that something in Winston snapped.

"You... obviously never been in love before…" he said super deeply with murderous intent.

Darkbjorn paused. He had been in love once, but that was long ago. "I know about love, but my last love was not meant to be. You see, when I was just a young boy in Dark Sweden, I had a girlfriend. But one day, I was going to go see her but my mom said i had to stay at home and do chores. So then i KILLED HER AND MY DAD AND NOW SHE CAN NEVER GROUND ME FROM MY GAMEBOY EVER AGAIN. And that is how I became evil." Darkbjorn held back tears as he remembered his past. But as he snapped back to reality, he realized that his 6 other torbs had been beaten to death. "What the-"

Suddenly winston teleported behind darkbjorn and stabbed him through the chest with a sword. "I dont fucking care about your story, you killed my fiancee and now I'm gonna make you wish you killed yourself instead. NO MORE MONKEY BUSINESS."

Winston took darkbjorn and slammed him on the ground a bunch then tore out his intestines and wrapped them around his neck while feeding him his own heart before choking him to death.

Winston finally calmed down after pooping on the corpse, only to see jesus and Moses looking at him in horror. Quickly Winston got on his knees in front of jesus. "Forgive me lord, I dont know what came over me!" Jesus put his hand on Winston's head. "You are forgiven. But I'm afraid humanity is doomed to an eternity in hell if we don't fix this situation."

Moses was standing on top of a concrete block talking to god, and he got down and told jesus and Winston what he heard. "There is only one way to fix this, we need to crucify another messiah to forgive all of the sins again." Jesus smiled. "Very well, where is the nearest cross? I'll take off my clothes."

"I'm afraid it wont be that simple. We wont be able to crucify jesus because he was from jesus times and not overwatch times, so we need to find… the messiah of this time." Moses said criptically yet sensually.

Winston and Jesus looked at each other. "Who on earth could that be?" Winston asked. "I dont know about any messiahs around here in overwatch times."

"God has told me who it is, follow me." Moses said, and they made their way to the new messiah.

Chapter 7 - The Overwatch Messiah is Revealed!

Sigma was hanging out in his house eating pretzels and airing out his stinky feet when he heard a knock at his door. When he opened it, he saw Jesus, Winston, and Moses on his doorstep and they were posed like a boyband cover.

"Ah, winston, it is good to see you. What can I help you with? A science experiment?" Sigma said, stretching out his tootsies and flexing his large ball-like pauldrons.

Winston did not smile back at sigma because he was looking super cryptic. "Sigma… Moses has informed me that you are the second coming of god incarnate. You need to come get crucified so everyone's sins can be forgiven.

Sigma looked shocked. "It can't be… So these voices I hear, are they the voice of God?"

"No, you're just crazy." Said moses.

"Oh ok." Said sigma.

"Now that we have the messiah, there's one more problem." Winston said. "Where do we find a big enough cross to nail sigma's big muscular body to? He IS a tank class hero, after all."

"I know where we can find one…" said a shadowy figure.

It was Alejandro, Lucio's sexy twin brother who plays smooth jazz and occasionally some ska.

"My brother has a map to the biggest cross in the western hemisphere. It is located in Wickliffe, Kentucky. You must go there now and save humanity." Alejandro then threw a smoke bomb and left.

"Ahah! The answer was so simple!" said Sigma. "...Where is Kentucky?"

"I will show you!" said Winston and he took out a little map and showed Sigma. Then they left on their way to the big ol' cross.

Chapter 8 - Assassin's Creed: Revelations

Winston and co. arrived in Wickliffe, Kentucky. In the distance they saw a hill with a big cross on it. But upon closer inspection, they saw a disturbing sight.

"Oh no, reaper has beat us to it! How embarrassing!" Winston said. Reaper had set up a fort around the cross so they couldn't get in. He could also see reaper's minions, the notorious hot topic hoodlums, who were patrolling the outer perimeter.

"We're gonna need a lot more fire power in order to breach their defenses." said moses as he closed his eyes and sent out a psychic signal. "We'll have support with us soon enough…"

"Who are you calling?" Sigma asked.

"The top 5 christians in the history of christianity." Moses smiled. Behind him appeared five shadowy figures who revealed themselves. It was Simon Peter, King Richard the Lionheart, James R Crowe, Joel Olsteen, and Kanye West.

"Hey man I'm ready to die for jesus n shit." said Kanye, sharpening his katana. Joel Osteen got out his preaching book "The lord will give me the power to heal you guys! Wait, where's the giant stadium church?"

"Mah burning cross will strike the fear o' god into these herrtics!" Said James R Crowe, clad in his signature white robes.

"I shalt slaughter every last blasphemer! Murder in the name of Jesus!" said King Richard, riding a horse and drawing his sword.

"What... is happening?" said Peter, who was very confused as he had just been fighting a snake but was teleported to this random field.

"Gentlemen! We need to take that fortress down! For Jesus!" Winston rallied the team. "Lets go!" They ran forward to meet Reaper and his cronies.

The 5 Kool Khristians rushed the gates and took out a bunch of guards, and Winston carried sigma over his shoulder directly to the big cross. "Coming through!" Winston said, smashing and killing a kid with 32 piercings into the ground as he leaped.

Reaper stood in his way, shotguns in hand. "You won't pass me, monkey. I'm your counterpick." Reaper smirked super cool like but you couldn't see it because he was wearing a mask.

Winston stopped in his tracks, breathing heavily yet sensually. "Reaper! Why won't you let us crucify a person to save humanity? What could you possibly have to gain?"

"That's easy, monkey…. REVENGE." Reaper turned and looked off into the distance as he recalled his backstory. "Santa never came to my house when I was a kid. So I decided to make it so Christmas doesn't exist! If Christ doesn't finish his mission, then there is no christianity and there is no christian holidays! HAHAHA…" suddenly reaper realized that while he was recalling his backstory Winston had already finished nailing Sigma to the big cross. "NOOOOOOO!" Reaper yelled.

"Oh yeah!" said winston as he got a hammer and smashed Sigma's legs in. "Ouch, that hurts!" said Sigma who promptly died.

Suddenly a great explosion of holy energy erupted from Sigma and the world stopped being all red and evil looking.

Winston sighed in relief as he looked down at all his friends waving at him from below. He jumped down to meet them all. "Good job team! We captured the objective! Now the world is saved, now and forever!"

"You did well, my child." Jesus said. "Now we must get back to our own times. But if ever such an evil arises again, be sure to contact us with these Bible-pagers." Jesus handed out the bible-pagers to everyone, then turned to take his leave.

"Wait, lord!" Winston cried out. "I still have one more question for you! Do… do apes go to heaven?:

Jesus smiled. "Winston my child…" He paused for a second. "No."

THE END

Epilogue

Mei awoke hearing a knock at the door. She passed by her son Musio who was watching tv blissfully unaware of what had transpired.

She opened the door and saw Winston standing there hat in hand.

"Mei there's something terrible has happened to Lucio."

Tears began welling up in her eyes and she said

"No not lucio." But you know Mei's a bitch and a bad character so she kinda had this coming.

AFTERWORD

Hello again, true believer! At the time of writing this, it's been 3 years since I finished writing "Biblewatch". Happy anniversary! I am now 32 years old and a lot has happened since that fateful summer. I was actually excommunicated from the protestant church of Danger Island for my quote-on-quote "skewed and frankly blasphemous views on the scripture". So after 2 years of conscription in World War 3, I returned home and started my new life as a born-again Muslim. So look out for the sequel to this story "Quranwatch", coming soon!