Disclaimer: It all belongs to JKR
Author's Note:
Hello Everyone! Glad you are all still with me! Thankyou all so much for the reviews! I loved each and every one of them! So Thankyou!
This chapter is RIDICULOUSLY LONG! Sorry about that... I sort of got carried away and then decided when all was said and done that I was leaving it this way. It never really got to where I loved it but I'm pleased enough with it at this point and i want to keep going so there you have it...I hope you all enjoy it and don't mind the sort of jumbled feel that it has. The next chapter is more together I promise :) And soon things will get more STEAMY between Lily and James. I've got to let them get used to things first though right?
Also I know you are all probably going to go where the heck is Snape? in this chapter but I promise I'll get to that as well.
Just a Warning: There is a lot of language in this chapter...but honestly that will probably become a pattern in this story eventually so if it offends you I'm sorry that's just the way my imagination wants things to go.
Well here we go again.
Lots of Love,
Valkyrie 3
Chapter 19
JEALOUSY AND FEAR
The first week of Lily and James' relationship had brought with it some interesting events. The reactions of some of their teachers had been extremely interesting. Flitwick had fallen off of his stool when they'd walked in and he'd seen James kiss Lily before taking his seat. Slughorn had congratulated James repeatedly on his success at getting Lily to go out with him and had almost seemed as if he viewed James in a better light because Lily had agreed to date him.
The most interesting of the bunch though had been Professor McGonagall. The first time she'd noticed the new development James had his arm slung around Lily's shoulders and had been flirting outrageously with her in the corridor outside the Transfiguration classroom. Lily had of course been flirting back and staring at James in a rather lovesick way.
"Am I to believe that you've finally managed to convince Ms. Evans to accept you as her boyfriend Potter? And that you haven't slipped her some sort of love potion, used the imperius curse, or convinced Mr. Black to take polyjuice potion in an attempt to get a rise out of me?" She'd barked from two feet away.
James had jumped away from Lily and then grinned triumphantly as her words registered.
"That would be correct professor."
McGonagall had looked at him seriously as if she were debating as to whether or not she really believed him.
"Can I give you a word of advice?" She'd said finally.
"Certainly professor." James had grinned cheekily.
"Don't screw up."
James jaw had dropped at her words and it had taken him a more than decent amount of time to regain his composure.
"I.."
"And you have detention." She'd added finally.
That got him going. "For what?"
"For putting your hands on Ms. Evans person in an inappropriate manner." She'd stated sternly.
"But I.."
"Will be in here tomorrow evening at eight sharp. At which time you will be reading and summarizing the text I provide you with and then giving me a detailed report on it at the end of the hour."
James had groaned as the serious woman had disappeared through the doorway muttering something that had sounded vaguely like 'Merlin I need a holiday'.
He'd returned from his detention however with an amused grin on his face.
"How'd it go?" Sirius had asked.
Their friends had all gathered in their common room to play exploding snap.
"It was rather interesting. First she lectured me on how a young man should behave when courting a girl that he likes and then she'd made me read these outdated books on what it means to be a gentleman and how to charm witches while still maintaining propriety. I had to tell her what I'd learned from the books and then she'd made me promise to keep everything in mind in regard to my relationship with Lily."
Sirius had burst out laughing instantly. "You've got to be kidding! Minnie gave you dating advice!"
James nodded his grin mischievous. "You'd be surprised at what she could tell you actually. I feel I've learned a lot of invaluable information tonight."
"Like what?" Sirius demanded his eyebrows drawing together in confusion.
"Just things. All I'm going to say is she knows what she's talking about." James answered shaking his head in amusement. "I just don't ever want to know how or why she learned it all."
Unfortunately their first week of being together wasn't all sunshine and roses.
Lily tried to quell her irritation as best she could. She had never thought of herself as the jealous sort but now she was having to reconsider. Since they'd officially become a couple things had gone from irritating to downright out of line. The first incident took place just after transfiguration on their first day! as a couple. Lydia Rycroft of Hufflepuff had come up to James and had begun to ask him if he had any plans for the first Hogsmead weekend. James had suddenly grinned ridiculously and said loudly.
"Yes actually I'll be spending the day with my girlfriend."
Lydia's eyes had widened and she'd glanced at Lily quickly. "I wasn't aware you were dating anyone."
"Well I am. So I'll be spending the day with Lily. Sorry." He had answered back still grinning madly.
Lydia had nodded and moved away quickly, no doubt to go tell everyone she could about the new development.
"Merlin that feels good." James said rushing over to Lily and pulling her into his arms.
She had laughed and squeezed him affectionately and then they'd gone on to their next class.
Two days later she was ready to curse the next girl who came up to James to ask if he really was dating her. Every single one of them had disbelieving looks on their faces when he had validated the rumors and said yes.
"But she's…"
"Way out of my league." James had said interrupting Sarah Janson when she'd asked him after potions on Thursday. "I know but she's decided to finally give me a shot anyway."
Sarah had huffed and shot an angry glare Lily's way before moving off with a determined stride.
It wasn't what she would have expected out of her first week being James Potter's girlfriend. The notoriety of it was a little more than she had thought it would be and the reactions of the Hogwarts female population were a bit too zealous for her liking.
Now as she stood in the hall outside the charms classroom Lily was really starting to feel annoyed. James was surrounded by a cluster of fifth, sixth and seventh year girls all asking him numerous questions, under the pretense of needing advice from the Head Boy.
"Was it always like this?" Lily asked Marlene bristling irritably.
"Do you mean has James always been adored by hoards of girls here at Hogwarts? Yes. Have they always been so persistent and determined? No. Is it a reaction to the fact that he's finally agreed to date someone? Most likely. Does it make it worse that it's you? Definitely." Marlene answered rapidly as she shoved her charms book into her bag.
"What do you mean it makes it worse that it's me?"
Marlene shrugged. "You've been turning him down for years when the rest of them probably would have cut off their wand arm if they thought it would impress him. So it's a natural reaction for them to feel a bit…miffed."
When a particularly flirty Ravenclaw, who Lily recognized as Jamie Carlson, reached out and put her hand on James chest Lily had enough.
She shoved her way through them until she reached him and pretending she hadn't seen a single one of them reached up and pulled his head down to hers. She kissed him hotly, very aware of the spectacle she was making and not caring in the least.
James wrapped his arms around her instantly and she could feel him smile against her lips.
The problem with kissing James Potter, Lily had realized, was that once you started it was rather difficult to stop. The feel of him, the scent of his skin, the way he held her. It was all so intoxicating that Lily often found she lost track of where she was.
"For Merlin's sake they got the point!" She heard Alice shout from a few feet away.
James pulled away from her and looked over to where Alice stood.
"What?"
"I was telling Lily that they got the point. In case you two hadn't noticed the annoying flock of dimbos vanished about five minutes ago."
Lily suddenly remembered why she'd been kissing James in the first place and she smiled triumphantly. "Good. They need to back off."
James chuckled and squeezed her around the waist tightly. "Is Lily Evans jealous?"
She bit her lip and rolled her eyes as she pulled away from him.
"Perhaps," She admitted.
Smiling widely James snagged her back to him and leaned forward to press his lips to hers again.
"For the love of…Go find a bloody broom cupboard!" Alice shouted at them as she and the rest of their friends strolled away laughing.
Aside from Lily's discovery that she herself was a bit protective of James she also found herself dealing with jealousy from others. The same girls who wanted to verify that James was indeed off the market began to give her dirty looks or whisper snidely whenever she was around. But she also dealt with issues from people she wouldn't have expected. Girls who had been her friends for years from other houses also began to treat her just slightly coldly as if they were a tad bit upset with her.
"I don't get it." She said to her friends as they exited the Transfiguration classroom. "Candace Lockwood and I have always gotten on."
They'd left the four Marauders, who were once again facing detention from McGonagall and no doubt receiving yet another lecture from the stern woman right at that very moment, behind as they made their way toward their next class.
Dorcas shrugged, "She's a right cow if she's upset because you and James finally got together."
"I don't think she's a cow. I've always liked her, I still do. It's just…I don't really appreciate her looking at me as if I'm doing something wrong." Lily protested.
"Look Lils, a lot of people are probably going to take issue with you and James. The most likely are going to be the people who felt like you two getting together ruined their chances with one of you." Marlene explained. "And I know you've already realized this but there were a lot of girls secretly, and not so secretly, harboring feelings for James. Candice is probably just feeling a little put out."
Lily shook her head. "It didn't seem like that's what it was. It seemed like she…disapproved. Like she was judging me."
"Judging you." Dorcas echoed. "What do you mean?"
"I'm not sure how to explain it. It didn't seem like she was upset that I had taken James. It was more like she was upset that I was with James in general."
As they rounded the corner pondering Lily's words the girls came face to face with a group of Slytherin boys all looking predatorily at the sight of the four Gryffindors.
"How's it going there Evans?" Mulicber, who was their unofficial ringleader, called out loudly enough for everyone nearby in the corridor to hear. "Giving Potter his money's worth?"
His friends all chuckled gleefully at her expense and Lily did her damndest not to look and see if Sev was among them. She flushed crimson but continued on.
"Shut your filthy mouth Mulciber!" Marlene bit back.
"Don't get me started on you McKinnon," Mulciber called back, "Between you and Prewett over there it's hard to determine which is the bigger blood traitor."
"You can take your blood purity nonsense and shove it up your…"
"Alice!" Lily screeched yanking on her friends arm to get her to turn about. "Just leave it alone."
"Fuck that Lily. They need someone to stand up to them." Alice bit back, craning her neck to keep her eyes on Mulciber and his cronies.
"I agree but you can't be doing things when I'm around. I'm the Head Girl now remember? I'm supposed to discourage any kind of bad behavior." Lily said her voice low.
As they moved away Mulciber called out again, "Hey Mudblood! When you get tired of Potter let me know, I'd be willing to have a go at his goods!"
Lily was knocked sideways as Marlene shoved past her to get back to where the Slytherins all stood.
"You son of a bitch!" She fumed, marching up to him and socking him in the face before he had time to react.
Unfortunately for Marlene an unsympathetic Professor Trygvasson had witnessed the entire thing and awarded both she and Mulciber a weeks worth of detention.
Throughout their next lesson Lily's friends were fuming and by the time they were let out she had a monstrous headache from trying to get them to calm down.
The four Marauders were completely confused as to what was going on and as they sat down to dinner the questions began.
"What happened?" Sirius said looking at Marlene. "We showed up in Defense and you were all…"
"Those fucking, foul-mouthed, son of a bitch, bastard Slytherins happened!" Marlene answered back hotly before he could finish his sentence. "I swear if I hear Mulciber say one more thing about Lily I'm going to…"
"Wait a minute! Slow down." Sirius insisted catching her hand and tugging on her gently. "Breathe a little okay. Now slowly and without so many curse words, as I'm sure your mother raised you to be a lady, tell me what happened."
Marlene narrowed her eyes at him for trying to be funny but did as she was told and took a few deep breaths.
"We were walking to Defense and when we turned the corner Mulciber and that lot were there. That prat called out to Lily to ask her if she was giving James his…"
"Can we just stop!" Lily broke in pleadingly. "All this is going to do is get them angry and then they are going to do something stupid just like they always do. And then I'm going to be upset because they are going to get in trouble and…"
"Whoa there," James broke in putting an arm around her and pulling her to him. "Calm down. There's nothing to get worked up about, we haven't even heard the story yet."
Lily sighed. "But I know you. Once you hear it you're going to be upset. Then you'll likely do something that isn't going to help the situation in the least."
"How about we hear the story and then we'll see if you're right." He answered back grinning at her unabashedly and not denying her claims at all.
"I already know I'm right." She muttered tiredly.
James looked to Marlene and signaled for her to continue.
"So anyway he calls out to Lily to ask her if she's been giving James his money's worth. What an asshole right? So I yelled back at him, told him to shut his mouth. Then he made some comment about how he didn't know who was a bigger blood traitor me or Alice. So Alice went to tell him he could shove his blood purity bullshit up his arse, but Lily stopped her and we were just going to walk away when that stupid fecking moron just had to open his mouth again."
Sirius was nodding along with her story and rubbing circles on her back soothingly as she talked. "What did he say?"
"He said for Lily to let him know when she got tired of James because he wouldn't mind having a go at James' goods." Marlene stated her eyes flashing. "So I turned around and called him a son of a bitch and punched him….where are you going?"
Sirius and James had stood up at the same time and were both glaring daggers toward the Slytherin table.
"I told you they would do this." Lily moaned burying her face in her hands.
James leaned down and kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"Don't worry love I'm just gonna go have a little chat with them."
"Oh sure, like I'm going to believe that."
James just smiled, without any humor in his eyes and looked to Sirius who was looking down at Marlene.
"You said you punched him?" He questioned.
She nodded and he reached out to pick up her hand, examining it and nodding when he saw the slight bruising around her knuckles. He leaned down and kissed them softly and then looked at James, and the two boys moved off toward the Slytherin table.
Remus sighed and got up to follow them, followed swiftly by Peter.
"I knew they were going to react this way." Lily grumbled lifting her head out of her hands to watch the happenings worriedly.
But it turned out she needn't have bothered because before the four boys could make it to the Slytherin table Professor McGonagall had intercepted them and somehow managed to get them to retake their seats amongst the girls.
"We'll just have to talk with them later, won't be boys?" Sirius said irritably reaching for the pumpkin juice.
"Definitely." James answered back before turning his gaze to Lily.
She looked tired and somewhat annoyed. He smiled softly and brushed her hair back behind her ear.
"Want to go up and go to sleep?"
She looked up at him thankfully and nodded.
"Did you eat anything?" He questioned, motioning toward the food at the table.
She shook her head.
"To the kitchens it is then, we'll take it to go." He stood up pulling her from the table and ignoring the amused looks he was receiving from his friends he wrapped his arm about her and steered her out of the Great Hall.
"James." She said softly as they exited the double doors. "Please don't go doing something stupid. You know that lot are trouble. I don't want you making people angry on my account."
He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.
"Don't worry about it." He stated evasively. "Just forget them."
"They're kind of hard to forget when they're insulting me."
James looked down at her and said teasingly, "They're just jealous. Mulciber keeps trying to proposition you while still making it sound like he's being insulting. Honestly I think he's terribly upset that you're now taken."
Lily couldn't help herself, she laughed outright at the absurdity of it.
"That's rich. Mulciber jealous because you're dating me."
"Who wouldn't be? I've managed to convince the most wanted girl in Hogwarts to be my girlfriend." James continued grinning at her cheekily. "And in about fifteen minutes I'm going to spend a fair amount of time trying to get into her knickers."
Lily's laughter echoed throughout the corridor.
00000000000
A month later, Lily sat staring out the window her mind turning over everything that had happened since the start of term.
She had never been so happy in her entire life. James was so many things that she'd never expected. He was patient and understanding and he knew when to make her laugh and when to let her be. He gave her space and time with her friends but he also made her feel completely cared for and wanted. He was becoming so much to her in such a short time that she felt she wasn't able to keep up with her own feelings. It was strange to her to think about how things would have turned out if she had been too stubborn to really give him a shot. To think that the same James Potter who she had pegged as an arrogant, bullying, toerag was the very same James Potter that she was beginning to view as one of the most honorable, genuine, charming guys she'd ever met.
They hadn't done more than snog heavily and yet she felt connected to him in a way she wouldn't have guessed. The way he kissed her and held her and looked at her was a constant reminder of his feelings toward her. She just had a hard time accepting that his feelings were well and truly real and that he was serious about her.
"James." She began one evening as they sat in their common room doing homework together. He looked up at her and she bit her lip nervously. "Do you think that you'll get tired of me eventually?"
"Of course not." He answered instantly.
Lily sighed at his lack of thought over the subject.
"But how do you know?"
"Lily I've been after you for years without really giving another girl the time of day and I haven't grown tired yet. What would make you think that I would now that I've actually got you all to myself?"
She shrugged. "I don't know."
He rolled his eyes and reached for her pulling her over to him and across his lap.
"I'm not going to get tired of you Lily." He reassured her. "Not ever."
She had sighed in happiness when his lips had met hers.
Apart from her occasional worries about their relationship, things had continued to be great between them. When they weren't in class, studying or spending time with their friends they were usually all over each other.
"So I suppose this is just another perk to dating a Marauder?" Lily questioned breathlessly as James lips moved over her neck.
They were hidden away in a private nook that was hidden behind a tapestry on the third floor and James had been demonstrating just how much he had missed her while she'd been spending time with her friends earlier that day.
"Mmmm." He replied throatily his right hand reaching down to grab the skin of her thigh that was revealed by her skirt.
Lily sighed and tangled her hands in his hair as he continued his ministrations along her throat. When his lips had met hers again he'd reached down with his left hand to grip her other thigh and pick her up swiftly. She emitted a startled shriek at the sudden movement and James had grinned against her lips.
"It's easier when we are closer to the same height." He rasped.
"So I've noticed." She giggled her lips closing over his again.
Despite all their heavy snogging James hadn't once made Lily feel as if they should be doing more. Something for which she was thankful as she wasn't really sure about what other aspects of their physical relationship might entail and she wasn't ready to move forward in that way yet anyway.
After the initial flurry of excitement over their relationship had died down, people began to revert back to their old mutterings about his being a Pureblood and her being Muggleborn. It didn't help that the daily prophet continued to deliver news about attacks on muggles and muggleborns and their families. Every morning Lily dreaded the sight of the newspapers being delivered as they increasingly brought awful news.
"I can't believe this." Alice had exclaimed one morning. "They are killing people outright now and the ministry is still acting as if it's a series of awful accidents or isolated incidents."
"They'll do that until he comes forward and openly declares himself and his intentions." Sirius had responded.
"But how can they ignore the fact that the majority of people who are being hurt are Muggles and Muggleborns. Not to mention the fact that numerous wizarding families have come forward and said they've been threatened. The ministry is going about this all the wrong way." Alice sighed.
"They'll wise up soon. My dads been talking about what's been going on in his letters. He says a lot of people are getting into the minister's ear about Voldemort. He thinks it won't be long now before they make an announcement about it all. A few months maybe. Right now the Aurors are doing everything they can to keep people safe and to try and apprehend his followers." James had informed them.
As the days passed Lily often wondered about how James was feeling now that it was becoming more and more obvious that Voldemort had a vendetta against non-Pureblood witches and wizards. She knew he hated the idea of her being targeted but there wasn't much either of them could do while they were still in school. She also knew it couldn't be easy for him knowing that people were talking behind his back about his relationship with her. James had always been well liked and popular and people had always said good things about him. Now he was the subject of dozens of conversations and the things people were saying weren't always good.
Lily had realized the meaning behind the hostility she was receiving from girls like Candace Lockwood when the girl had outright told her she was being selfish one day in Transfiguration.
Lily was focusing on her reflection in the small mirror she'd been given as she tried to transfigure her facial features. She'd looked up to show Alice how she'd narrowed her nose and was startled to see Candace next to her instead.
"Alice went to show Sebastian her eyes." She informed Lily her tone flat.
"Oh, alright." Lily had answered feeling awkward around the girl who had once been very friendly to her but was now rather cold.
"Look I came over here because I felt like I needed to say this to you. I think what you're doing with James is wrong. You're putting him in an awful position you know?" Candace provided.
"I don't understand. You think my being with James is wrong?" Lily had asked frowning.
"Yeah I do. He's a Pureblood, from a good family. The Potters have always been prominent in the wizarding community and what you're doing is only going to make James look bad."
"What exactly is it that I'm doing?" Lily asked.
"You're putting him at the center of the gossip mills. People are talking about how he's making an awful mistake by dating you when so much is going on. There are a lot of people who don't approve of the relationship. With someone like him dating someone like you." Candace went on. "You're being selfish being with him right now. It's only going to make things more difficult for him and his family."
"So what exactly would you like me to do?" Lily bit out scathingly. "I'm not going to break up with a guy I care about, who cares about me just because people can't accept something different than what they're used to."
"I'm just telling you what I think. I like James, my family has known his a long time. I just think that if you really cared about him, you'd leave him alone for now. If things are meant to be then it will all work out later, when things aren't so difficult for people like you." Candace finished, moving away to rejoin her friends across the classroom.
Lily had looked over to where James sat laughing with Sirius over the way they'd made their eyebrows grow. Looking at him made her stomach flip over excitedly and her pulse pound in anticipation. Was it really so selfish of her to be with him?
She obviously hadn't given what it would mean for him to be with her enough thought before she'd said yes. She had known people looked down on people like her who had no real magical background. She just hadn't realized the impact his association with her would have on him. How people would look at him differently because he was with her.
Was she being selfish?
The thought kept playing itself over and over again in her head. The only thing that had finally managed to silence it was James. That night as they'd returned to the common room from dinner he'd pulled her into is arms and kissed her with so much fervor her toes had curled.
When she'd gone to bed that night it had been with thoughts of how much she cared about him and how whether or not it meant she was selfish she didn't want to give up what she'd only just managed to find with him.
For a while things had stayed wonderful between them but after weeks of horrid news and whispers of dark happenings in the magical community, things escalated to a point that they went awfully between her and James one day. Lily had been digging through a cupboard under one of the planter's and had overheard Lionel Diggory talking with one of his Hufflepuff housemates, Michael Finch, one afternoon in Herbology and what they'd been saying had turned her stomach.
"They're saying they killed Kyle Dorset. You remember him? He was a seventh year when we were in fourth. He was a Pureblood but he married Evelyn Ryley, that Muggleborn." Lionel said quietly to his friend. "They say You-Know-Who tortured them before he killed them. My dad says he heard they offered to spare Kyle if he would join up with them. He refused."
"I can't believe it! He was a Pureblood. They've been leaving us alone so far." His friend answered worriedly.
"It looks like they've taken a new turn. My dad says anyone who isn't a Pureblood is in jeopardy now. And so are any Purebloods who associate with those who aren't." Lionel continued.
"But what about all the half-bloods?" Michael questioned.
"My dad and brother say they aren't the primary target right now. And neither are Pureblood's like Kyle yet. That seems to be an isolated incident. They say right now it's more about getting rid of anyone without magical heritage. But they think they'll move on to half-bloods and blood-traitors next."
Michael sighed and shook his head sadly.
"I don't know what to think about all this. My parents don't know what side to take or whether or not to take sides at all. It doesn't help that the ministry keeps trying to come up with excuses for what's happening instead of placing the blame where it belongs." He explained worriedly.
"I think the best thing we can do is keep our heads low. It's people like the McKinnons who are in real trouble. They are openly against the mistreatment of Muggles and Muggleborns." Lionel went on. "Potter should watch himself too."
Lily had remained ducked down beneath the planter to listen to them and was now holding her breath.
"What do you mean? Potter's got one of the oldest bloodlines of any wizard at Hogwarts." Michael bit out worriedly.
"Well he's dating Evans now. And he's not shy about it at all. You've seen them."
"But it's not like James is going to marry Lily or something. I mean his family…"
"The Potter's have never cared what anyone thinks." Lionel interrupted. "They're in the same boat as the McKinnons and the Prewetts at this point. And James is only provoking people by being so open about his like for Evans."
There was a moment's silence before Michael responded even more softly. "I heard Rosier and that lot talking last week. They don't like the way Potter's been behaving. They say he needs to learn his place."
"See what I mean." Lionel whispered back fiercely. "Potter's walking a fine line by dating Evans and he better watch it or else he might find himself with a target on his back."
Lily had remained seated even after the two boys had wandered away. Her heart was hammering against her chest and she'd had to swallow thickly as she went over their words.
'Selfish' had flashed into her mind once again.
Once she'd recovered enough she had rejoined her classmates but had been quiet and reserved for the rest of the day.
At dinner James had questioned her.
"Lily what's wrong?" He asked reaching out to brush her hair behind her ear.
She shook her head at him but he hadn't looked convinced. It wasn't until after dinner when he was heading back toward their rooms that things had escalated.
She'd turned left along with Alice, Dorcas and Marlene when they'd reached the corridor that led to the Head's common room.
"Lils where are you going?" James had asked moving to catch up with her.
"I'm going to study." She'd answered back.
"Okay." James said rubbing his hand through his hair in confusion. "Do you mind if I come along?"
"You don't need to follow me everywhere James. I do have other friends." She bit back hotly.
They had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and Lily had clambered up the steps after her friends, who were exchanging confused glances amongst themselves.
James followed after her and caught her arm lightly.
"I know you have other friends. I wasn't trying to keep you from them. I'm just worried. You've been quiet all afternoon. Did something happen?"
Lily yanked her arm out of his grip and threw her bag down on the nearest table.
"Why would you think that?" She retorted refusing to look at him.
"Because you're acting strange." James replied reaching for her again, and frowning when she backed away. "Will you talk to me please? I don't understand what's going on with you."
Lily sighed and buried her face in her hands. She couldn't help herself when she began to cry suddenly.
"Merlin Lily." James said stepping up to her and pulling her to him. "What on earth is going on?"
Lily buried her face in his chest and cried in frustration. "I don't know what to do."
"About what?" James asked worriedly.
"I can't help it James." She sobbed softly. "I can't help that I'm Muggleborn. I can't help it."
He pulled away from her and turned her face up to his. "I don't understand. Why would you want to be anything other than what you are?"
"Because. Things are getting worse. They're killing people. Good people." Lily sobbed. "People we used to know."
"Lils…" James began trying to console her.
"No." She insisted pulling away from him. "I'm not going to let you try and tell me it will be okay. You don't know that. We've only been together for a month now, and already people are talking about you and how being with me is a stupid decision on your part."
"Who's talking?" James bit back. "And who cares? Let them talk."
"Of course you'd say that. Let them talk. Let them say things. But it's not that easy. People are saying that Purebloods are going to be killed for associating with my kind. Remember Kyle Dorset? He and his wife were murdered. He was a Pureblood, she was Muggleborn!" Lily was nearly shouting now.
"Lily calm down." James soothed trying to reach for her, but she stepped out of the way again. Inhaling sharply he spread his hands out in surrender. "What do you want from me? Do you want me to run scared? To let all this nonsense affect the way I live my life?"
"Of course not." She bit back, feeling beyond frustrated.
"Then what? You're shouting at me because I'm not sitting here cowering at the thought that Voldemort might target me." He growled hotly. "Well here's a newsflash Lily Evans. I could give a shit. That bastard can go to hell. I'm not going to quit feeling what I do for you just because he's starting to make people believe all this rubbish."
"That's not what I'm saying." She said rubbing her throbbing temples.
"Then what? What are you trying to say? You are obviously upset, and that's understandable. What I don't understand is why you're upset with me."
Lily shook her head sadly, unable to explain to him exactly what she was feeling.
"You know what I think." He said stepping back from her a little bit. "I think that you heard about Kyle and Evelyn and you thought about you and me. You thought about the fact that they might target me because of you, hell you might have even heard that they would, and the whole thing scared you."
She opened her mouth to explain but he held up a hand to keep her quiet and went on, "I think you're upset for two reasons Lily. I think you're upset because you're wrongly thinking that my being with you is dangerous for me. And you're upset because you're realizing just how much I mean to you and it's terrifying you."
He waited a moment letting the words hang between them. "Am I wrong?"
Lily refused to look at him. She was so unsure of everything that was going on around her that she didn't want to face what he was telling her, much less be forced to admit it.
"You know I understand that you're worried. Things are going on right now that shouldn't be. People are beginning to really be scared. There's a war brewing and who knows when it's going to hit full force. But isn't that all the more reason to keep on living? I for one don't want to know that I gave up on something so great just because I was afraid of what was coming around the corner." He said heatedly. "I'm crazy about you. I don't care who knows it and I'm not going to change the way I've been acting."
She looked up at him pleadingly, "James maybe we should just tone it down a little…"
"That's bullshit Lily." He fumed.
"It's bullshit that I'm worried about you?" She snapped.
"No. It's bullshit that you're considering what you are right now just because you're scared." He retorted, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Don't you dare try and act differently when you're around me just because you think it will help the situation. I don't want some secret relationship. Or some false version of what we should be. I'm proud of you. I'm over the fucking moon that I'm with you…"
"You know I feel the same." She cut in. "Don't act like I don't."
"What do you want me to do then?" He breathed roughly.
She opened her mouth and then closed it, feeling frustrated at her own feelings.
"Tell you what," He said suddenly, "when you figure out what the hell it is you want from me let me know."
She watched as he walked away fuming and she wiped at her leaking eyes feeling defeated.
She flinched as the portrait hole slammed shut and then tiredly let herself fall onto the sofa. After a time she lifted her head out of her hands to see the inhabitants of the common room all watched her avidly.
"Oh go to hell." She snapped at them standing and making her way toward where her friends had sat near the fireplace.
She sat down amongst them and laid her head down upon her arms.
"Well that was…" Alice mumbled.
"Hot." Marlene filled in smiling cheekily. "Damn that boy's got a lot of pent up frustrations."
"Hush." Dorcas scolded her turning to Lily sympathetically. "Look Lils I get that you're scared. Truly I do. But don't you think that after all those things he said that you should probably think over what exactly you were so upset about?"
Lily lifted her head and looked at Dorcas sadly.
"He was right." She said softly. "That's the problem. He was dead on when he said I realized just how much he means to me. All day I've been thinking about what it would be like to know he was being targeted because of me. I can't get the thought of what happened to Kyle and Evelyn out of my head. I can't stomach the thought of James…" She trailed off as her thoughts turned black.
"Look Lils," Alice began seriously, "James is well aware of what his association with you means. Probably more aware of it than you are. He knows what he's getting himself into and he's more than willing to take the risk. Don't you think you owe it to him to risk the same? Especially if he was right and you do care for him so much…"
As Alice trailed off letting the words sink in Lily thought about what her friend was telling her and she nodded.
"You're absolutely right it's just that…I'm scared." She answered her voice cracking.
"Of what? James?" Alice asked softly.
"Of what my feelings for him might mean." Lily answered. "I didn't think it would all hit me this fast but when I'm with him, us being together, it's been the most amazing thing I've ever experienced and it's only been a month. I feel like I'm not ready for it all."
"So explain that to him." Marlene directed. "Let him know what you're feeling. Let him know why everything that happened today affected you so much."
Lily nodded and stood.
"I'm going to go find him."
"That's a good idea." Dorcas said smiling cheekily. "Just remember to actually talk to him and not just snog him."
Lily stuck her tongue out at her as she left, her mind spinning with what she would say to James once she saw him.
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James lay on the sofa in his and Lily's common room trying to focus on a new novel of his when he felt a pair of slender arms wrap themselves around his neck. When her lips connected with his jaw he closed his eyes enjoying the sensation.
"I'm sorry." She said softly letting her lips brush over his skin as she spoke.
He nodded and she sighed in relief.
"We need to talk about a few things." She said moving around the couch.
He made to sit up but she stopped him laying herself down on top of him so that they were flush against each other. Her feet brushed against his calves as she adjusted her body until she was comfortable. She laid her hands one on top of the other on his chest and then propped her chin onto them so that they were looking at each other.
James fought the urge to smile at how adorable she looked as she searched for words.
"I know I reacted badly but everything I heard today scared me."
"Who told you all that?" He asked softly reaching out to run his hand through her hair.
"It's not important. I owe you an apology though for not talking about it with you before I let it get to me so badly." She said her head bobbing on her hands as she talked. "When I heard what had happened to Kyle and Evelyn I did picture you and me. I thought about how I would feel if something were to happen to you because of the way you feel about me. I…" She trailed off for a moment. "I felt guilty almost. To think that here I was so incredibly happy with you when in reality you being with me could potentially get you hurt not to mention that people are talking badly about you because you are with me. Before you say anything I know that it doesn't matter. I know that you are choosing me over your own safety and reputation but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I still feel guilty for putting you in this position."
James sighed. "Lily you have nothing to feel guilty for. You have no control over the fact that you're Muggleborn just as I have no control over the fact that I'm a Pureblood. We are who we are. You shouldn't feel guilty about being yourself."
"I know that it's just. I feel selfish. I feel like I'm keeping you despite my better judgment because it makes me feel good. My head keeps telling me the smart thing to do would be to end things and let you move on to someone better for you." She smiled at his outraged look and went on quickly. "But my heart keeps telling me that you're mine. That what we have is more important than anything else. It's like a constant battle inside me. I read the prophet and my head starts to take over. Then I look at you, or you kiss me, touch me, whatever, and my heart completely overrides anything my head might have said."
There was a moment's silence, where James waited, before she added. "I'm falling for you James Potter. In the worst way possible. I'm filled with thoughts of you. With hopes about us. I want to be with you all the time. I want to share things with you that I'd never even thought about sharing with another person. And it's only been a month. What does that mean?"
He smiled softly and tried to sound normal, even as his heart beat out of control. "It means I was right. You just needed to give us a chance. Now that you have you're seeing what's always been there, what I've always seen. You're seeing that you and I are right for each other."
She nodded and bit her lip. "That scares me too."
"I know." He answered grinning still.
"You do?"
"Of course. You don't know what to expect and that's frightening but honestly Lils I'm just as in the dark about all this as you are. The difference is I know without a doubt I want to keep going despite my being blind to the outcome." He answered, his hand now running along her sides and over her lower back.
"I want to keep going too. It's just that I…" She swallowed. "I don't want to get hurt. And I don't want you to get hurt."
James nodded knowing that she had just referenced two very different types of hurt. He gripped her about her ribs on both sides, pulling her up his body until he held her face over the top of his. Her hair fell about them in a curtain of silky scarlet and he inhaled the clean pure scent that was so very her.
"I'm not going to hurt you Lily." He answered sincerely. "But there's no reward without the risk."
She nodded down at him their eyes connecting hotly.
"Kiss me James." She whispered softly.
He lowered her so that their mouths fused and she gasped softly at the contact. James felt his body come alive as it always did when they were together like this. His blood pounded and his breathing became rapid as he kissed her with unrestrained enthusiasm.
He smiled when she reached up to pull her hair to one side so that it didn't get in the way and then proceeded to find every spot he knew that would make her make noise. Her skin was so soft it was almost too much for his senses to take. It was like running his lips over satin.
He grinned in triumph when she gasped lightly and made a slight moaning sound after he lightly licked the patch of skin behind her ear. He then rolled them over so that he was laying on top of her his legs in between hers. His hips and groin a scant space below where they really wanted to settle. Propping himself up on one arm he moved the other to her waist running it along her ribs and down to her hip and back again as he kissed her.
After a while and slowly so as not to startle her he moved past her hip and ran his hand along her skirt until he connected with the silky skin of her thigh. Gripping her there tightly he continued to kiss her.
His body clamored with the need to press himself closer to her to let go of everything and just let instinct rule the situation. She was so damned sexy it made him ache, literally. He was so hard it was nearly uncomfortable.
He groaned aloud when she bit his lower lip lightly and kissed her more intently. The taste of her was enough to make him feel a bit giddy much less the fact that she was now letting him run his hand up and down her thigh, slowly inching closer to the apex of her legs.
"Bloody hell James!"
He toppled off the couch and off of Lily at the sound of his friend's voice.
"Padfoot!" He growled pushing himself into a seated position his knees bent up toward his chest to glare angrily at his best friend, who was flanked by Remus and Peter.
"What? As if we knew we were going to stumble in and catch you and Lily-flower getting all…"
"Padfoot." He bit out again.
"All I'm saying is put a tie outside the door or something. Give us some warning if you don't want us barging in on you." Sirius chuckled, very aware of why his friend wasn't getting up off the floor.
Lily had scooted herself around James and leapt up off the couch. Her face matched her hair and her clothing was ridiculously rumpled as she moved away.
"Well I'll just be in my room if you need me." She said quickly not looking back at them.
"Oh I think James needs you Lily. I think he really needs you right now!" Sirius called after her cackling like mad.
"Leave her alone."
Sirius looked to James and began to laugh even harder.
"Well it seems we don't have any consoling to do. McKinnon told us you and Lily had a fight and that it wasn't pretty. We thought we'd come up to check on you but…it seems you two have already made up."
James flushed crimson and ran a hand through his hair.
"Well obviously." He said back meekly.
"Sorry Prongs." Remus put in lightly. "We really didn't mean to interrupt anything."
Nodding at his words James leaned his head back against the couch and began to think of every horrible, un-sensual image that he could conjure.
"Just imagine Slughorn in a swimsuit." Sirius suggested knowingly, moving to take a seat on the couch across from where James sat.
James chuckled and shifted his weight slightly and watched as Peter and Remus took up the remaining couch space.
"Well not to pry but that looked pretty intense from our viewpoint," Sirius said grinning mischievously.
Flushing crimson James nodded. "It's always like that with her."
"Always?" Remus put in quirking an eyebrow.
"Yes. It's like the instant I touch her my whole body reacts. I can't keep myself from getting completely wrapped up in her." He answered back smiling at the thought of Lily.
"Well it's obvious you weren't aware of anything but Lily just now." Peter put in chuckling.
"So what was up anyway? You guys fought…" Sirius prompted.
"Yeah. She's scared of everything that's going on right now and she sort of took out her feelings on me a little, or so it seemed. I think she was worried both that I would give her the reaction that she wanted and also worried that I wouldn't. There's a part of both of us that is totally aware of what it's going to mean to try and be together with everything going on right now and it can sometimes be a little overwhelming. She's just worried that I'll end up hurt because of her."
As his friends nodded seriously, James grinned impishly. "There's definitely a part of me that's hurting because of her right now though."
The four Marauders burst out laughing and the red-head that was listening from beyond her doorway flushed crimson and launched herself into her bed.
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She smiled when she felt a pair of strong arms slip around her waist.
"What are you thinking about?"
She shivered at the deep sound of his voice and turned her gaze from the window.
"You," She stated plainly.
Grinning he kissed her softly. "That makes me feel good."
They stayed together like that for a while James holding her while she sat in the window seat.
"I'm starting to forget what it felt like not to be with you." Lily admitted sighing against his chest.
"I don't want to remember what it was like when we weren't together." He chuckled back.
Lily's mind was going a thousand miles a minute. She kept replaying the events of their relationship over and over again in her head.
The way he'd asked her out. The way he'd behaved the day after. The way they'd so easily gone from being friends to being a couple. How he'd learned so many ways to make her shiver and gasp. The times they'd snuck away from their friends to be alone together. The way he had tucked her in one night when she'd fallen asleep on the couch. The things everyone had said and done because they didn't like them being together. The fight that they'd had and the way Lily had felt afterward. And the week since in which she had felt connected to him on an even deeper level than before.
It was almost as if since they had gotten over their first fight without any scars they were both now more comfortable with the idea that things could still be right without everything being entirely peaceful.
Lily leaned into him and inhaled the scent that was totally and completely James. "Want to take a nap with me?" She said gesturing toward their common room that was visible through her open doorway.
"Definitely."
She giggled lightly when he scooped her up and headed toward the largest of the couches, carrying her as if she hardly weighed anything.
"Well Mr. Potter if you're going to be showing off just how impressively strong you are, we might not be getting much of a nap in."
James smiled and laid her down on the couch. Grinning down at her he said softly, "Well by all means Ms. Evans have your way with me."
They both sighed in pleasure when she pulled him down on top of her.