*UPDATED*

Chapter six

"Ladies first!" Effie cheers before reaching her hand into the bowl, I feel the crowd around me go silent as she plays around with all the tiny pieces of paper before she draws one out.

She doesn't open it.

Not right away. But it doesn't matter I already know what it will say. She walks to the podium and opens the slip of paper smoothing it apart with her thumbs. Effie looks up and with a smile on her lips says the name of the female tribute.

"Primrose Everdeen!" A collective hush consumes the square, this is my only chance and I take it.

"I volunteer!" I shout as loudly as I can while stepping out into the open isle, Prim hasn't even made it to the isle, I realize. I don't think anyone realizes what happened straight away because everything is silent for a few more moments.

Maybe I'm just in shock.

The peacekeepers have all taken a step towards me like I might turn and run, as Effie looks on confused mumbling about protocols. Mentally I sneer at them, outwardly I try to remain calm and composed, I don't look around me as I take what I hope is confident strides up to the stage.

Effie has recovered by the time I've walked up on stage, "That's the spirit of the games!" She beams, I want to glair at her, instead I look straight ahead into the silent crowd picking out faces I won't see again.

I almost look to where I know Peeta will be.

"What's your name, dear?" Effie asks.

"Kira Collins." I say after a brief pause, Effie looks confused but breaks into a smile anyway.

"How exciting!" She beams, "your family must be so proud." Her statement makes me frown, "Come on everyone! Let's give a big round of applause to your tribute, a volunteer, Kira Collins!"

I don't expect any applause and there isn't any, I know this district and how they feel about the games. Katniss was right, this was a suicide mission and I think for a moment as I look into the quiet crowd that they know it to.

Out of the corner of my eye I see it, and I can't believe it.

I know that in the book Katniss couldn't believe what she saw, but she was from the district, she belonged here, and I didn't. One by one people are touching their three middle fingers of their left hand to their lips and then they hold it out to me.

Like a gentle kiss from the entire district.

I feel dangerously close to tears, this is a sign of love and respect it's a final goodbye for someone that would be missed. I didn't feel like that would be the case, originally, I was the pariah of the district, the girl who didn't belong.

I'm grateful when Haymitch chooses this moment to stagger towards me, he's drunk but looks pleased that I'm standing before him. "Look at you," he says quietly for my ears alone to hear, he looks crossed between not believing I was true to my word but happy that I did. I chalk that up to it being the alcohol in his system.

Haymitch turns to the crowd, "look at this one!" He bellows throwing an arm around my shoulders pulling me closer, his smell of liquor burns my nose, but I smile half heartedly. "I can't believe she did it." He mused for a moment, I can't believe he said that aloud, "she's so full of courage." Again, he pauses in thought, I cringe almost afraid to hear what he will say next. I almost worry his words will make me a bigger target until I remember where I am going.

"More than you!" Haymitch starts shouted at the camera, his finger pointed accusingly, he repeats himself staggering forward releasing me from his hold as he goes.

He's nearing the edge I step forward about to pull him back, it's too late.

Haymitch plummets off the edge knocking himself unconscious, normally I'd be worried, but I know he'll be alright, so I clench my jaw closed to resist any further action. Haymitch is taken away by stretcher, I should have taken the moment to compose myself, but I hadn't instead I come to the realization of what is to come, and I feel truly shaken.

Not for myself but for Peeta.

It's silly really, since I know he will be coming back alive, but still I wish I could be enough that they wouldn't need to take anyone else from the district but I know it doesn't work that way. My eyes find Peeta in the crowd unbidden by me, I can feel my throat start to close realizing his head is bowed down.

He can't look at me.

"What an exciting day!" Effie shouts enthusiastically as she tries to straighten her wig, normally I'd laugh at the absurdity, but I can't because any second now I won't be standing here alone. "But there is more excitement to come!"

I have to force my eyes to stay staring straight ahead, if I don't I know I'll stare at Peeta the entire time and I can't let on that I know he'll be reaped I have to act surprised. "It's time to choose our boy tribute!" Effie states, she's given up on fixing her wig now and has resigned herself to keeping a hand on her head to hold it steady. It's a funny sight, but I can't find it in me to smile at the moment.

She's drawn the piece of paper that has Peeta's name scrawled across it and is making her way back to the podium, I close my eyes to stop myself from looking at him. I don't want to see the pained and shocked expression that is to come.

I know it's pointless, because as soon as she reads his name "Peeta Mellark!" my eyes are open and are trained on him.

I can feel the burn behind them and I silently pray that I'm not letting it show.

I hate crying, personally I find it's my greatest weakness, the sight of him makes it worse. He's pale, scared no doubt, he doesn't think he'll be coming back home. For him he has just been handed his death certificate.

Or at least that's what he thinks, I know better. I watch him make his way to the stairs; my eyes never leave Peeta despite the fact he doesn't seem to be really seeing me. He's shocked, I can see the fear in his eyes as soon as he meets mine, I want to walk up and hug him and tell him everything will be alright.

But, how can I?

So, I stand. And I wait. Peeta stands a few feet away from me as Effie asks for volunteers, no one volunteers, Peeta has two older brothers I've met them both in the bakery, but they won't switch places with him. I know this, and I hate it.

Effie goes on speaking, but I can't hear her, all I can hear is Peeta's and my breathing. I look over at him, and I can't stand here doing nothing any longer so I close the distance between us so we are standing side by side, he looks down at me I can see the shock and fear still clear as day, even though he is trying to keep an emotionless mask in place.

My fingers brush the back of his, I don't know what to expect I'm not Katniss after all, but he doesn't hesitate to take my hand in his and squeeze it. I smile softly because that's all I can do. His hand seems to consume my smaller one, his are warm and strong, I realize mine are cold in comparison, tiny and cold.

Effie turns a smile on us, what I hope was the last speech has ended.

"Look at that!" She cheers excitedly before her face gives way to confusion, I see the camera's zoom up on Peeta and I looking for what she has spotted, like they really needed a close up. "A united front." Effie finishes off, she sounds unsure about the entire thing like she's never seen it done before. And then I remember our hands are laced together, I expect Peeta to drop my hand much like he had yesterday.

He doesn't, instead he squeezes mine again. I can't stop myself from looking over at him and wonder if he picked up on my train of thought but shrugged it off knowing I was thinking too much. I can't help it, Peeta has become one of my few friends here and I know that I will do whatever I have to in order to keep him safe.

The anthem starts, and I know what comes next, we'll be taken inside and permitted to see a few visitors as a kind of final farewell.

I wonder who will come to say goodbye, surely my adoptive sisters but other than them I can't imagine anyone else. The anthem ends and we're escorted inside by a group of peacekeepers where Peeta finally drops my hand as I'm shown the room where I will wait for anyone who wishes to say goodbye, Peeta is given the room directly across the hall.

I try to make eye contact with him, but a peacekeeper closes the heavy wooden door in my face.

My hand rises to gently play with my necklace as I move towards the big windows behind the desk, I realize that this is probably the last few moments I will have before twenty two people are trying to kill me.

At least I hope it's twenty-two and not twenty-three.

I can see the crowd below; everyone is starting to leave the square some are searching for family members in relief. I smile because I know that their safe for now. The sound of the heavy-set doors closing brings me out of my thoughts as I turn to see who has come to pay me a visit.

Turning my eyes land on my little family, of course they would come say goodbye. Was there ever any doubt?

My eyes take in the four girls, Diara is older than I am, officially too old for the reaping. Her long black hair is tried up in a bun today and her gray eyes are stormy as she stares back at me.

Amya is to her right, her blonde hair was left down for the reaping to sway around her shoulders and her bright blue eyes are filled with tears. She's only twelve, this was her first reaping and I hope her last.

Nia and Greer are to Diara's left, they're too young for the reaping. Nia resembled Diara with her black hair and gray eyes, only Nia wear's her hair in a high ponytail and has bangs when Diara doesn't. She's a smart, strong girl. Nia isn't crying, but she is holding onto Greer's hand.

Sweet little Greer. My eyes soften when they rest on her with her soft brown curly hair that is set into two pig tails, she has the bluest eyes and if I didn't know she wasn't my younger sister by blood I would think that she was. Her eyes are puffy from crying, which she is still doing as she stares at me with a red tinted nose.

I try to smile for them, it's a sad smile an apologetic one because I hadn't thought about how this would affect them, all I had thought about was how many lives I could save, how much pain I could prevent.

Greer is the first to move towards me, she runs full tilt and buriers her face in my stomach, instinctively I wrap my arms around her shoulders. She's still crying, her tiny form is shaking under my arms. I almost cry with her, but I can't because she needs me to be strong for her so I will. The others haven't moved to hug me like Greer, they all stand at the far end of the room with a range of different emotions playing on their faces.

Diara is the first to break the silence. "Why?" She asks the single word out loud that causes the tears to start to fall down Amya's cheeks. "Why would you go and do something so stupid?" She's mad because she's scared for me because I blind sighted her.

I can't find the right words to say, the ones that will make all of them feel better.

I had only ever explained my intentions fully to one person, Haymitch, and that was because I knew he wouldn't be affected by my decision because he wouldn't care about a girl who didn't belong going into the games. He would acknowledge that I would go in the place of someone else, someone who belonged in the district.

How do I explain that I don't belong here to the four people who have started to see me as family? If I tell them what I told myself everyday it would be like telling them I didn't feel that way about them. I couldn't do that. "I had to." I whisper weakly.

"For Prim Everdeen?" Diara spats, I know she doesn't mean it as I run a hand over Greer's head, she's gone still I assume because she's interested in what I have to say. "You do know she has an older sister, right? Katniss could have volunteered." Diara drops her shoulders, I watch her do so as she realizes that there is nothing she can do now that what is done is done.

The room goes silent for a few minutes, we've all moved to the sitting area that holds a couch and two armchairs. Greer stays in my lap, Nia and Amya take the empty spots on the couch while Diara drops into an armchair.

"You'll have to look out for each other," I say quietly, it's so quiet in the room a whisper would have been easily heard from outside the door.

I don't tell them how to take care of each other, because I don't really know how they will be able to take care of each other. All they can do is be there for one another "Diara, please." I address her because she doesn't live with the girls anymore, because it would be easy to shrug off people who aren't your responsibility because we are all orphans.

Diara nods as the peacekeeper walks in, our time is up. The girl's stand, minus Greer who is still clinging to me, the peacekeeper makes a move towards us my eyes widen in alarm, I don't want him to touch her. "Diara," I call the older girl by name, she nods and help pry Greer off who is crying again and reaching for me.

I want so desperately to reach back for her. I don't. Because I know I can't.

There's a round of goodbyes and good lucks and stay safes, as the girls make their exit. The moment they disappear beyond the big oak doors I fall to the couch; I don't know what I should feel as I stare at the double doors. I'm overwhelmed, and I can still hear Greer screaming my name as I close my eyes to keep my tears at bay.

I don't expect anyone else to pay me a visit before I go, I'm wrong.

A few moments later the doors open again before I've really had the time to compose myself. My eyes fly open and I don't expect these three guests. The Everdeen's are standing now where Diara and the girls had been.

Mrs. Everdeen is standing behind her two daughters; she's offering me a small smile probably of gratitude for taking her draughts place, but I don't know her enough to be sure. Prim is rubbing a hand up and down her arm, uncomfortable no doubt but she offers me a small smile as well.

Katniss sees my puzzled expression at their entry and steps forward, "Prim wanted to thank you." She exchanges a look with her younger sister who blushes and nods.

We haven't seen each other much since Mrs. Everdeen removed my bandages, and that was nearly ten months ago. So, I understand her nervousness. I don't expect Katniss to keep talking, but she does. "So did I," my eyes turn to look at the hunter, "back in the woods I didn't think that you would go through with it," she starts to explain completely confusing her mother and sister, "and when they called Prim…I'm grateful you did. So, thank you." I smile and nod.

"You wanted to go?" Prim asks after a brief silence shocking her mother who takes in a sharp breath.

I smile sadly at the young girl, "I needed to go," I pause letting those words sink in, they still feel true to me, "I don't belong here." I can see that Prim wants to protest, Mrs. Everdeen and Katniss both have conflicting looks on their faces I can see it there that they agree with me.

They don't believe I belong here, either.

"You were starting to." Prim states quietly, I think she's starting to get upset if we had known each other better she'd probably be crying, but she isn't and I'm grateful for that since I've already had all the tears I could possibly handle. "You started taking care of a family that wasn't yours, not many people would do that. Someone from the capitol wouldn't do that," she states shocking me because she has a look of determination about her that I hadn't expected, "you're not like them. You belong here." I smile softly at her; she's heard the rumors obviously.

"I'm not from the capitol," I state softly, I notice I had the Everdeen's attention and I wonder if they all genuinely believed I had been from the place that viewed murder as a game. "Where I'm from it's rare for someone to starve or die from ammonia. There is enough food and medical care for everyone." I want to add it 'and if you murder someone, you'll get a life sentence in jail' but that seems a little too bitter to add.

Mrs. Everdeen is smiling softly at me, which starts to confuse me. "That sounds like a lovely place," she states after a moment, I know they all want to ask how I ended up here, why I had staid, but no one does.

"When you come back," Prim starts shocking everyone, including me, "you'll have to tell me all about it." She says, she's trying to be kind. I smile softly because I can't tell her that I won't be coming back, I can't take away whatever hope she might have. It isn't fair.

The peacekeeper opens the door and is about to usher everyone out when Katniss strides up to me, I'm shocked still as she loosely wraps her arms around my shoulders, this isn't like her, we're not friends, so I'm confused until she whispers in my ear.

"You have no intentions of coming back, do you?"

She pulls back her eyes slowly locked on mine, I swallow around the lump that has formed in my throat and try to offer up a small smile as I give a settle nod. I don't know how she figured it out, I don't want to think about it either because if she knows then it's possible people who have gotten to know me also figured it out. My mind goes back to how Greer acted and Diara's silence when they left as I watch Katniss exit.

I'm sure my expression is horrified at the realization.

Shaking my head, I run my fingers through my hair, it wasn't supposed to be this complicated.

Maybe its better they know, at least then they won't be hoping I return. Yeah. Its better that they know, it'll hurt less that way. I think with a sigh, before noticing the peacekeeper standing in the doorway. He's one of ours, from the district and not one that was brought in for the reaping. I take a step towards him, "if that's all my visitors could I visit Peeta?" I ask hopeful he shakes his head.

"Sorry, not allowed." He stated gruffly, I frown why aren't we allowed to see each other? It's not like we won't be on the same train in a half hour give or take.

"Why not?" I ask before he leaves, the peacekeeper sighs.

"It's against regulations." He's eyeing me oddly, there's something else he wants to say, for whatever reason he chooses not to and takes his exit. I stand there, still baffled at being denied since we will be together for an entire week so it can't be that they are worried about us killing one another. Maybe in the past other tributes have, a mercy killing can't be the worst way to go.

I'm surprised when Mr. Mellark comes in, just like he did for Katniss in the books.

I'm sitting up at the end of the couch with my knees tucked under my body when he awkwardly walks in and perches on the edge of one of the plush arm chairs, he must have just come from seeing Peeta I realize.

"How's he doing?" I ask breaking the silence first, nearly right away, I think that surprises him as he stares back at me. I'm not sure what makes me ask this, he's not a very talkative man and I'm sure today has made that more dominate then ever so I don't wait for his response. "I'm going to do whatever I can," I say he's watching me keenly, curious about what I will say next, "I'll try to help bring him home to you." Tears are glistening in his eyes as he pulls out what I assume is the bag of cookies, he reaches forward to hand them to me I accept them with a small smile "Thank you."

Mr. Mellark is shaking his head, "Kira," he says my name, his throat sounds thick with emotions obviously from his visit with his son, I patiently wait for him to continue unable to do anything else. "Thank you. If…if you can't," he pauses to take a breath, this is hard for him, of course it is. "Then you come home, you hear me? Peeta, he'd want that."

I hate that it feels like he's talking about his son in the past tense, it feels completely wrong possibly because I know he will be coming home, if I don't completely screw everything up that is, but I can't tell Mr. Mellark this, and for the first time I'm worried that I won't be as good as Katniss would have been.

"I'll do everything that I can." I repeat what I had previously said, unable to say anything else. He nods and gets up to leave, my words stop him at the door "he's my best friend." I say, Mr. Mellark looks back at me, he's unreadable to me but I think he knows I mean it. I hope he does at least. Then he's gone. And I'm left with a bag of cookies that I always felt should have been given to Peeta.

It never made sense to me that Mr. Mellark would give Katniss cookies and not his son, so maybe he gave them both cookies?