*UPDATED*

Chapter eight

Watching the recap wasn't what I thought I'd be doing on my first night, but here I sat curled up at the end of a couch with my arms on the arm rest and my head laid upon them. One by one I watch the reaping's as name after name is called, a young girl followed by a young boy and then volunteers are asked for, only a few volunteer and I get the feeling that most aren't doing it to spare the reaped but for the glory.

I take in each tribute attentively finally able to put faces to a name, names I've only read about. A few stand out, the one's I know better from the books: Cato who lasted until the very end, Clove his female counterpart, Marvel who in the book kills Rue, sweet little Rue the twelve year old girl that no one volunteered for and her strong silent counterpart Thresh. They stuck to the forefront of my mind as I realize in a week's time they will all be dead, I realize that I will more than likely have to kill some of these kids, like Katniss had, and it makes my stomach twist, sickened by the thought.

Finally, they show District twelve, and I'm ready to turn it off but that involves moving and I have little energy to do so after eating so much food.

My eyes almost close on their own accord as the first wave of exhaustion hits me, it had been an emotionally taxing day and the thought of sleep was a tempting one until I hear Prim being called, there is barely a pause before my yelling fills the room and I open my eyes to watch as I make my way into the isle.

I sound breathless and I look almost like the other volunteers the only difference there is no excitement or vigor on my face, only determination mingled with fear. I watch as the crowd look at one another baffled, no one had expected it I see that now as each face turns to look at me that they are confused but mostly surprised.

I take a moment to seek out the ones I know, Amya looks frail with wide eyes locked on my form her mouth is partially open as if she had called my name, Katniss Everdeen is stiff and staring at me like she was a statue unable to move or breathe, Diara looks horrified as Nia and Greer stand to her right I see Nia grab on to Greer as the young girl tries to lunge forward she's screaming I can see that now, but just like when it was happening I can't hear her she's too far away.

And then there's Peeta, before he knew that he would be next, he doesn't look surprised or confused, he look's resigned and like I was already gone. He looked as if he knew he would never see me again, and I have to stop myself him commenting from looking over at him, because I know if I don't and I give in that it will only be harder.

The commentators come on and they aren't sure what to say about the refusal to applaud though apparently district twelve never does, which is why the co-host comments that our district is 'a bit back-ward' this doesn't shock me but Caesar Flickerman comment about me does, "you know I heard a rumor," he pauses as if drawing in everyone attention, it works because I'm curious what he will say next. "About our female tribute from twelve, apparently she just showed up in the district one day claiming to have lived outside of the districts her whole life. Interesting isn't it?" He asked his co-host.

"Impossible!" The other man gasps good naturedly placing a hand on his chest, Caesar laughs at this. I can see why some people liked him, he's charming but it's hard to process what he says next as my mind circles around what he had already said.

"Yes, well my thoughts exactly," He agrees nodding his head, "but let's say its true, than what an honor this must be for our little foreigner." All I can see is him smiling into the camera as every sound around me has turned into a static hum as I sit up right staring at the TV screen.

'How do they know that?' My mind reels as I start to feel ill, 'they shouldn't know that' I watch as Peeta is reaped and he makes his way to the stand, but all details fall to the background. It's Haymitch that gains my attention as he makes a less then graceful entrance nearly falling over as he slumps against the wall. 'It doesn't matter if they know' I try to reassure myself, because if they were going to do anything about it than they would have already. The thought does little to settle my nerves.

"Looks like you've got their attention." Haymitch slurs from him spot on the wall as he looks straight at me, at the moment it feels like he is looking through me rather than at me since his eyes are glazed over from the alcohol but there's something else there too, hidden behind the alcohol something I can't identify.

I watch transfixed unable to look away as Haymitch staggers a few more feet in to the living room until he leans forward and vomits all over the expensive looking carpet, I'm not sure if it was the leaning that sent him off balance or the force of the bile leaving his system either way he falls forward to land in his mess.

Effie's nose crinkles in disgust, "your mentor has a lot to learn about appropriate behavior." She states before hurrying out of the room, careful not to come anywhere near Haymitch and his mess.

I close my eyes tightly and force myself to breathe through my mouth, the smell is revolting, as I try to think of anything else to keep myself from adding to the stink. I reopen my eyes when I feel the couch shift, Peeta is standing and I'm quick to follow suit "let me help." I say quietly as I see that Peeta has moved to help Haymitch who is trying to get up and is failing miserably. Taking an arm, I do my best to help get Haymitch standing, considering his drunken state the task proves to be difficult as he isn't holding much of his own weight.

"I tripped." He slurs, "Smells bad." He stated as he wipes a hand over his face, smearing vomit I look away the smell is enough to make me feel ill I don't need to add to it with the sight.

"Let's get you back to your room," Peeta states as he leads the way, "get you cleaned up a bit." I'm watching him over Haymitch's hunched over form when I should be paying attention to where I'm walking, I can't help it because he's so calm and collected I'm not sure why it surprises me when I already knew that he would help Haymitch but his kindness continues to take me by surprise.

Once we've arrived at Haymitch's room we continue to lead Haymitch into his bathroom, since we can't just drop him into bed covered in vomit, Peeta takes him by the arm pits and heaves him into the bath tub I'd be impressed if I wasn't so eager to rid myself of the smell, I don't waste time before turning the water up on high and aim it on Haymitch. I pick out a scent from the panel to help get rid of the rancid smell and I realize that besides the sound of running water everything else is quiet.

Turning I take in Haymitch whose head is lulled against the back wall, he's only half conscious and the water doesn't seem to be helping to wake him up. The sound of Peeta clearing his throat grabs my attention, he has a hand rubbing at the back of his neck and is looking from Haymitch to me, "I can take it from here." He states sounding slightly uncomfortable.

"Hmm?" I hum not catching on as I continue to stand there before realizing, "Oh, um," I clear my throat trying to bypass the awkward moment, "are you sure? I don't mind helping." I tell him, I really don't want to strip and wash down Haymitch let alone dress him and tuck him into bed, Peeta raises his eyebrows at me and laughs, surprising me.

"Come on, you know you don't want to." He smiles shaking his head, "besides, you look about to fall over from exhaustion," it's my turn to raise my eyebrows at him.

"Are you saying I couldn't handle it?" I challenge playfully.

Raising his hands in mock surrender Peeta back tracks, "No, no, I didn't say that." He states before becoming more serious, "I would never say you couldn't handle it. Just go get some sleep, I'll see you at breakfast." He's closed the argument, if you could call it that, the way he's closed himself off again is starting to give me whiplash, and I want to call him out on it. To make him talk to me about it, but I don't because I've decided telling him would only be disastrous and I couldn't do that to him.

So, dealing with some mood swings, as mild as they might be, is doable and defiantly preferred.

"Fine," I nod turning to leave the bathroom before I pause at the door, "I'll set out some clothes for him, I'm not too tired to do that." I say trying to sound teasing, it comes out dry though and I leave not hearing a reply from Peeta.

I'm finally here, the capitol. I tell myself, but it looks so different than I had thought it would. For a moment it feels like I'm on center stage standing at the end of the line of tributes with guards flanking both ends of the line, the audience appears to be all around us but everything is shrouded in darkness.

I'm cold, but it's more than just the room's current temperature it's deep within my bones.

Wrapping my arms around my torso I try to fight against the shivers that are running down my spine all the way to my toes, it almost feels like my entire body is shaking. I run my hands up and down my arms in an attempt to return some warmth to them until a loudspeaker turns on gaining my attention.

"Sorry for the wait ladies and gents," the unknown person beyond the speaker says, I look around trying to find the source but it's futile since the only light coming in are from torches that are somewhere behind me, only illuminating us to the on lookers. "But we've got a special surprise for you all," he continues to say, "a way to kick start the hunger games this year."

Light floods the area in front of us, it's a stage where six people have been tied to wooden posts all of their heads are bowed and what looks like blood is tickling down their wrists that are tied above their heads. At first nothing makes sense and it reminds me of what people used to do to those accused of witchcraft, burning at the stake. Until one of the women lifts her head and her blue eyes meet mine.

"Mother!" I scream as I try to race forward but guards have taken a hold of my upper arms keeping me back, I thrash throwing my body in any direction that might cause them to release me, but they never do.

"No! No!" I'm screaming as fresh tears spring to my eyes, she's not alone my family are bound at her sides along with the three-man crew that came here with us, the polite and co polite and the female flight attendant. All of them looking exactly how I remembered them. "Kayden, father!" I call trying to gain their attention, but they must be unconscious because they don't stir.

"Peeta! Peeta help me!" I gasp seeing that I am the only one being held back, Peeta and the other's just stare with a haunting smile twisted upon their faces, there's a flicker of light on stage before the smell of smoke hits my nose.

"No!" I cry watching as the posts start catching fire one by one.

Caesar Flickerman's face appears on multiple screens, "The foreigners will burn," his voice echoes as he walks on stage a twisted smile curves his lips when he looks down at where I stand and he lifts a single finger to point at me saying something else that I don't catch over the sound of my family screaming.

Bolting up right I can still feel the scream on the edge of my lips as my heart hammers away in my chest.

It's not real, it's not real, it's not real. My mind circles on a loop as I choke back a sob still tasting the memory of the smoke that filled my lungs.

"Kira?" It's not until his voice fills my room that I look up, his form is mostly shrouded in darkness with only the bare minimum of light drifting in from the trains window flashing over him. "Are you okay?" He asks taking another step further into my room, as if he was looking to see if anyone else would be hiding in the dark.

Blinking repeatedly, I try to clear the moisture from my eyes and swallow around the lump that's in my throat, I want to tell him I'm fine but can't seem to force the words to leave my mind.

With trembling hands I reach across the bedspread to the nightstand and turn the lamp on, as the light floods my room I can't help but squint to give my eyes a minute to adjust, I can't help but to stare at Peeta.

I knew it was him, I had recognized his voice but still my mind wasn't prepared to see Peeta half dressed and wielding his bedside lamp as a weapon standing in my doorframe.

"Peeta?" I whisper, my voice sounding rough and scratchy from sleep. "You're here…" Lifting my hands up I cradle my head in them, my fingers brushing against my closed eyes in a desperate attempt to push away the images from my dream.

"Of course I'm here," Peeta's voice drifts over me, slow and confused as he is no doubt making sense of the situation, glancing up at him I watch as his shoulders drop and pulls his lower lip into his mouth wetting it, debating his next words. "You were crying."

"Bad dream," my response is flat, I knew I had been crying I'd felt the moisture on my cheeks when my palms had cupped them.

"Are you okay?" Peeta asks as I take a breath in and close my eyes.

'Yes, I'm fine.' It's a lie I can't force myself to tell, but the truth is even worse. Frowning I shake my head, unable to voice the tidal waves of thought, of course I wasn't okay I was so far from okay it was funny.

My eyes snapped open at the sudden contact of his hand on my shoulder, "do you want to talk about it?" searching his eyes I can see how sincere the offer is as he keeps his hand settled on top the thin strap of my tank top.

Again, I shake my head as fresh tears make there way to my eyes, "I can't." I can hear my voice as it breaks and so does, he as his lips press into a hard-worried line.

He doesn't push me, not about this, instead Peeta nods straightening himself and pulling his hand away. I realize he's going to leave, and I also realize that I don't want him to.

"Peeta," I hear myself calling him as I make my way from my tangled sheets, he stands there frozen half turned towards the door and looking back at me as I close the distance between us wrapping my arms around his bare torso, ignoring the fact he smells like roses and that my cheeks are inflamed I whisper, "thank you."

Peeta clears his throat and I'm about to pull away and scurry back to bed, but before I do, he wraps one arm around me in an awkward embrace as his other hand dangles at his side still holding onto the lamp. I hear the moment he drops the lamp, as it crashes to the ground Peeta no longer caring enough to hold onto it as he pulls me closer with both of his arms wrapping around me.

"Are you scared?" He asks his mouth next to my temple, it's then I realize that I'm shaking.

"Terrified." I feel his body relax and his exhale on my ear.

"I thought you wanted this." He confesses so quietly that if his mouth wasn't next to my ear, I'd probably have never heard him, dropping my hold on him I back up out of the embrace, forcing him to release me in the process.

He thought I wanted what? I think frozen as I stare up at him, 'That I wanted to go in and kill people? Does he think that I am a monster? A career.'

"I'm not a career." I say wrapping my arms around myself to protect myself from the chill.

"I know, I didn't mean." Peeta runs a hand over his head brushing the hair back that had fallen into his face, "it doesn't matter."

"Obviously, it does." I state closing myself off, 'why was this happening? Katniss and Peeta didn't fight this much and when they did it was her fault, was this mine?' "Thank you," I say "for checking on me. I think it would be best if we both got some sleep." I sound like my mother when she uses her calm angry voice.

"Kira, I." Peeta stops when I shake my head, I don't want to hear any more but that doesn't detour him long as he sighs, "I guess I still don't understand why you volunteered, I know you're not someone that wants to hunt and kill people." He pauses again as I meet his stare, "I know that. What I don't know is why you had to do it, and if you can't tell me than I'll stop asking but Kira I meant when I said that we were friends and I hope that you can trust me enough to tell me the truth."

The silence is heavy and feels like it has dragged on for hours when it has only been seconds, I want to tell him everything but knowing would put him in danger.

'Not knowing upsets him.' I realize and I can't fathom why it does.

"Because I didn't belong there," I say what I've rehearsed so often that I don't even notice when Peeta frowns, "I had no intention of winning or coming back, I left so someone else wouldn't have to." Turning I retreat, back to the safety of my bed, there isn't anything left to say and retelling the same story over and over has become draining because its paints a picture of something I'm not. It shows a martyr when in reality, I'm a coward, taking the quickest way out that I can find.

"That's bull shit." Freezing I look over at Peeta whose shaking his head, "Maybe, yeah okay," he nods as he figures out the right words he wants to say, "maybe when you first showed up I would have accepted that."

He's closing the distance between us before I know what's happening Peeta is standing in front of me, his eyes burning as his voice remains low. "You made a home with us Kira and that means something, you could have said to hell with the entire district and vanished the same way you appeared but you chose to stay and take on the responsibility of an entire family."

My breath is caught it my throat as he moves a piece of my hair from my face, "you were better than how they treated you, you still are." He's shaking his head again, only this time the fire that has pushed him forward has sizzled out and he looks sad. "Every time you say that you don't belong you make all the people that love you matter less."

For a moment the only thing I can hear is the sound of the train and my erratic heartbeat as Peeta shifts looking uncomfortable, "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I'm not," my response is automatic as he takes a step back, finally giving me room to breath normally.

"You should try to get some sleep," Peeta breaks the silence as I nod, a part of me wants to ask him to stay with him but I can't find the will to as I watch his back and hunched shoulders retreat from my room.