I wanted to apologize for any and all spoilers! I can't believe I didn't even think that some haven't read all of the books, -_- I guess I thought they were just so amazing that everyone had read them and knew everything that was to come. That being said I will try to be more careful to not spoil any details of the third book and will keep any references to the second to a bare minimum.
I would like to thank, grapejuice101, TheCatalystx, AllTheWrongChoices, and for your amazing reviews! And to everyone who followed or favoured this story I hope you all enjoy this chapter!
Chapter Twelve
the First Touch of Rebellion
The big doors open and our chariot bursts through them, it's quiet at first as the audience takes in our appearance and then that silence quickly turns to applauses and roaring as people call out our names. Our costumes are a hit. The fire licks at the air eagerly like actual flames and I squeeze Peeta's hand for a moment waiting in anticipation to know if they will burn, I smile over at him went they don't. Our costumes are beautiful and terrifying.
The sheer sound of everything colliding together draws my attention back to the crowd, the applause, the music and the screams, it's overwhelming and it wouldn't surprise me if I left this place deaf, but that doesn't stop the smile from gracing my lips as I wave with my free hand knowing that Peeta is doing the same on my other side. The crowd only cheers louder as we smile and wave. I can feel Peeta's hand squeeze mine lightly, and I wonder if he is afraid to fall off like he had told Katniss in the books but looking at him I doubt it, Peeta must have felt my stare because he turns to me and smiles. I smile back. I'm glad he's here, out of any boy from the district he is the only one that could make me feel this calm being in the eye of the storm.
Our eyes are still locked when a thought occurs to me. "Do you trust me?" I ask, though I know he couldn't hear me because the sound of my own voice never makes it to my own ears over the thunderous sound of the audience that surrounds us. When Peeta' nods I smile wondering if maybe he had heard or perhaps read my lips, either way I know I have to do it before I lose my nerve. I just hope he won't actually fall. When I let go of his hand I see the frown and confusion flicker across his face, and I try not to dwell on the fact that I'm hyper aware of how close our bodies are before I throw my arms around his neck and over his shoulders. It takes Peeta a moment to wrap his arms around me and pull me closer to his body, but the moment I feel his one hand around my waste and the other sliding up to the middle of my back the crowd seems to erupt with cheers, crying out our names in a mixture of excitement and shock over the fact that we are publically embracing. Hugging. Holding on to each other even though everyone knows that soon we will be thrown into an arena where we are supposed to kill one another. Only that won't happen.
I pull back and the first thing I notice is how dangerously close our faces are as his breath tickles over my top lip, and I'm sure every camera in the area is broadcasting that closeness to all of Panem. How easy it would be to reach up and press my own to his, the thought causes a blush to colors my cheeks; hopefully the flames that are flickering all around us will hide that for me. The second thing I realize is the look on Peeta's face, the confusion and intensity in which he stares as he is looking down at me. I wonder what he is thinking, if maybe I've crossed a line but as he starts to smile all doubts are erased. I smile back before feeling something gently graze my arm, turning away from Peeta with one hand still over his shoulder and the other pulled away after feeling the contact of a foreign object. I notice them, roses, as red as the fire on our capes are being thrown for us. I can feel Peeta's hands slipping away from my back as I move reaching for a rose that lies on the hood of our chariot, I remember that Katniss picked up a rose and blew them a kiss, picking up the rose I bring it to my nose and inhale more for the effect that it is having on the crowd then for the actual smell of the rose. Holding the rose near my chest I turn my head to face Peeta, and am startled to see that he is still looking at me.
It isn't hard to force a smile onto my lips, one that he returns just as quickly. Reaching out my free hand he takes it, intertwining our fingers, and we lift them to the crowd that is going wild. It's still surprising as I look around at the crowd of odd looking people, that they seem to only be getting louder with each interaction Peeta and I have, it strikes me at that moment as we near the end of our ride that the only way to save Peeta might be by playing right into their hand and pretend to have some type of romantic relationship with him. The feeling that grips me when I catch myself studying the side of his face as he smiles for the crowd stills the breath in my lungs, I hadn't meant for this to happen. He was my closest friend and using him, even if it is to save his life is wrong…unless, but I can't. I can't have feelings for Peeta Mellark.
Even if I did, I could never tell him. With the foreknowledge that he is in love with Katniss and that I have no intentions on leaving the arena alive, it just wouldn't be fair.
I swallow around the lump that has formed in my throat when our chariot stops, because the thought that I had feelings for Peeta besides friendship was terrifying. "Kira! Kira!" It takes me a moment to realize that it's not the crowd calling my name, but Peeta as he looks at me with concern. I smile apologetically as I realize that I've zoned out, trapped in my own panicked thoughts, and have completely missed President Snow's welcome. Though I assume he drew no attention to me, or the potential burning at the stake of my family, since everything is calm. Well as calm as it can be with a door separating us from the crowd.
"Sorry," I shake my head feeling slightly embarrassed which only increases when I realize that our prep teams are all gawking at me. Forcing a small smile I address them directly as Peeta leads me off of the chariot, our hands still intertwined "sorry it got a little overwhelming there for a minute." As Cinna and Portia remove our headdresses and capes to extinguish the flames with a spray that is contained in small canisters, Peeta and I are forced to let go of each other. I notice I'm still holding the single rose as I lift my hand and absently play with its red peddles, our prep teams aren't really cooing over us anymore but more like about us to each other. That's fine by me though as I stare down at the flower, a small smile still on my lips.
"You did great out there," Peeta speaks breaking my concentration, lifting my gaze I take in his smile it's so small that I almost don't notice the slight turn of his lips. "The audience went nuts when you," and I wonder if I imagined the blush that tinges his cheeks, "hugged me back there."
"Thank you, but I'm not the only one that was on fire up there." I say, only to laugh at the cheesy line that had left my lips. "Seriously though," I clear my throat, attempting to look serious "thank you."
"For what?" He asks genially not knowing what I had to thank him for,
"For not letting me fall off back there," I smile the feeling of how close we had been moments ago still fresh in my mind; I just hope that the thought doesn't bring a blush back to my face as well.
"I wouldn't have let you fall," he says quietly his gaze never leaving mine and in that moment I believe him.
I could still hear the roar of the crowd as the water from the shower rains down on me, I wish I could say that I still felt Peeta's presence and his hand in mine. If anything the lack of it is almost suffocating. Closing my eyes I lift my head to the oncoming water hoping it would wash away my muddled mind, It's not that I want him here, I tell myself It's that I'm scared. Terrified that if I mess this up that he won't make it out alive. If that happens, it will be my fault.
Even as I step out of the shower and onto the mat that instantly dries my body and press the button for the hair dryer that not only dries my hair but detangles it and parts it in a seemingly natural way. I vow that from this moment on I will give it my all, I will give the capitol what it wants to see even if that is some made up story about a girl who loves a boy, I'll play my part and die to save him when the time comes. I run my fingers through my hair as I exit my privet bathroom and walk across my temporary bedroom to the closet, it's smooth and soft probably the healthiest my hair has ever felt. After picking out undergarments, I've decided on something simple and famine and pull out a dress with a white top and a blue skirt, it has a slim delicate brown belt around the waist and I pick out brown flats to match it. Enhancing just how short I really am.
I've decided to leave my hair down in its natural curls, when Effie calls me for dinner.
Cinna, Portia and Peeta are out on the balcony when we enter the dining room, I'm glad to have them here because I wouldn't mind getting to know Cinna better. I wonder when I die if his life will be spared, because there will be no reason to make an example out of him because there is no Mockingjay. Peeta must have felt my stare because he turns from Portia, who has been talking to him, to see me on the other side of the dining room I can't help but to return his smile. I pull my eyes away as the three start to file back into the dining room, instead my eyes travel to the long table that is filled with plate and bowls covered with silver lids. It that moment I realize just how hungry I am, apparently getting all dressed up and being put on display could make a person feel famished.
I'm vaguely aware of the man that is going around with a platter of wine, when he turns from Cinna and Portia to offer me a glass I lift my gaze up to make eye contact. My hand already raised to accept the glass stalls, stalls as our blue eyes meet. Standing before me is Adam Tate, an elderly man with graying hair, my hand falls away to hang limply at my side, before it touches the glass and I'm grateful because I would have dropped it. I feel sick. Physically ill as my mouth opens and nothing comes out, no words would be enough, I hadn't been prepared for this, Adam Tate had once been our pilot and now he was a prisoner of the capitol, an Avox.
I fight against the tears that are now glistening, dropping my head I can't look at him. He didn't deserve this. And if Adam was here than the rest of my family, and the crew had to be somewhere, and I had no way of knowing if they were alive or dead. Or if they had all met the same fate as Adam, that thought only made my stomach twist more. I wasn't hungry anymore. I whisper so quietly that I can't be sure if he heard me, "I'm sorry." I can't make a big scene over this, I can't cry or ask the million questions that have flooded my mind, all I can do is whisper that I am sorry and turn away.
I cross my arms trying to create some type of barrier between myself and everyone else that is in this room, ignoring Peeta's gaze that I can feel burning up the side of my face. Out of the corner of my eye I see Haymitch enter the room, and I try to breath normally. Inhale. Exhale. I repeat this over and over and I do the motions. This is an important moment, over dinner we will talk about tactics and plan our strategies. I can afford to let my emotions cloud my mind. Not even for a second, and I think that fact kills a part of me. The part that was barely holding, clinging to hope that somehow her family was alive and well back home. That image shattered.
While we sit at the table everyone enjoys their meal, I can barely force myself to touch mine it helps that I can't eat half of it. Being as I can't stomach the texture of sliced tomatoes and am allergic to mushrooms, so all that is left is the roast beef sliced in delicate look strips and some noodles with a thick green sauce that looks a lot worse than it actually tastes. I sit there twisting my fork in the noodles, staring at the food but not really seeing it. My appetite hasn't returned yet, and a I know that I'll have to get over it since soon I'll be going into the arena but even with the knowledge that I need to build up my strength to keep Peeta alive I can't force myself to take another bite.
"Kira, dear are you alright?" Effie asks as I lift my eyes to look at her, she's seated directly across from me with Haymitch to her left, Peeta is on my left. Both Cinna and Portia are seated at the heads of the table. I wonder momentarily when I became a 'dear' I suppose it could have been the moment I asked for her help with my locket and told her that it had belonged to my mother.
"I'm fine." I say quietly lowering my gaze as I try to ignore the stares I am receiving,
"Cheer up, you and Peeta did amazing tonight." She pauses, before adding "there's a cake coming." Pushing my chair back I stand, not wishing to take part in any more pleasantries.
"I'm going to sit on the couch," I say as an explanation, before turning to walk away pretending I don't hear Effie immediately start to whisper to the others about how I must be nervous. No one comments on her assumption, but it doesn't matter because at the moment I can't force myself to care about how weak I must look in front of them. Taking my seat at the end of the couch I pull my knees up and rest my head on them, if they thought I was weak now as I put up a wall around myself I wonder how pathetic I would seem if that wall came crumbling down and I let myself cry for the confirmed loss of my family. Because if they are here, then they are lost.
When the TV over the fire place automatically turns on, signaling the start of the replay of the opening ceremonies Peeta takes the seat next to me offering a friendly smile, one that I try to return but am all too aware of the fact that it doesn't reach my eyes. Effie sits next to Peeta, and Cinna takes a seat in one of the arm chairs, Portia takes the other, leaving Haymitch to stand behind the couch and watch. For the most part we watch in silence, until we appear on screen. At that point Effie can't contain her excitement as she 'awws' and gasps while clasping her hands together. "Whose idea was the hand holding?" Haymitch asks,
"Cinna's." Portia replies with a bright smile directed at her counterpart, I wonder if given the chance if they would have been an item as I watch the brief exchange.
"And whose idea was if for the embrace there at the end?" Haymitch asks, and I can feel him there standing behind Peeta and I. I watch as Portia and Cinna look from each other to us, I open my mouth to only close it again not seeing the point in telling him that I had made the decision. But apparently Peeta did, as he tells them.
"It was Kira," he says after looking away from me where his eyes had turned as soon as Haymitch had asked the question.
"Just the perfect touch of rebellion." Haymitch responds clasping a hand on my shoulder, I inhale before dropping my knees and lowering my feet to the group, taking in as much strength as I can from his brief contact. Haymitch was right, and I had known it the moment I first threw my arms around Peeta. This was why I was here, this is what mattered now. I needed to save him, I needed to start the rebellion. "Alright you two, off to bed. The grownups need to talk," He pauses as both Peeta and I stand, and I notice for a moment that he is taking us in and I know at this moment he truly finds us worthy of his fullest efforts to help one of us win. "Tomorrow morning is the first training session, meet me for breakfast and I'll teach you how I want you to play it." I nod before bidding the 'adults' goodnight and follow Peeta out.
We're half way down the corridor when Peeta stops and turns to face me, his face is set in a look of determination one only a friend could pull off. A no nonsense kind of look. "Alright," he nods once more to himself then to me and I smile at the effort he is putting into the act of bravery, "something's wrong. And I don't care what Effie says, you're not nervous. Hell you are the least nervous person in that room," he points down the hall referring to the adults that are discussing our next move, "what's going on Kira?" I bite my lip as I lower my gaze, I knew Peeta had asked Katniss what was going on when she had made that small scene over the Avox girl, but I hadn't made a scene over Adam. At least I didn't think I had.
He takes my silence for hesitance, and maybe I am hesitant because I don't know how he will react hearing that my pilot is now an Avox and my only lead to finding out anything about my family. Lifting my eyes we stand there silent for a moment, and I realize I know exactly how Peeta will react because it's the way he always reacts and that is with kindness. "Have you been up to the roof yet?" He asks, I shake my head. "Cinna showed me. You can practically see the whole city. The winds a bit loud, though." He pauses as a small smile graces my lips, "want to take a look?" I don't ask if we are allowed to, instead I nod and follow Peeta to the roof.
The wind caresses my face as we step out into the open, and I suppress a shiver instantly regretting my wardrobe choice. The view is breath taking, crossing my arms I walk further out into the open, for miles you can see lights shimmering; it reminds me of fire flies reflecting off of the water's surface. Beautiful. "Kira," Peeta's voice is soft like he had whispered my name, turning I offer him a small smile "would you like to see the garden?" He asks and I nod again before trailing behind him.
On the other side of the roof is a garden, complete with flower beds, potted trees with wind chimes hanging off the branches and benches beneath them. "When you first came in for dinner," Peeta started watching me as I lowered myself on one of the cold metal benches. "You were fine, you even seemed kind of happy. But that changed before we actually ate our meal, why?" Lifting my gaze to look at Peeta I patted the bench, the vacant spot next to where I sat, implying that if he wanted to know the answer he'd have to sit first. He did.
"Do you remember the first day we met? You came and sat with me as I stared out at the field beyond the fence line." I say, Peeta nods recalling our first interaction, "you asked me how I got those injuries," this statement causes his forehead to crease not seeing how this is relevant to the current topic, but all of that is about to change. "I told you our hovercraft crashed in the side of the mountain, and then on the train ride here you pushed me to find a reason to want to survive in the arena. I had told you about how I lost my family in the crash, but they weren't the only ones on the craft." I pause exhaling a slow breath, "three others were aboard."
Again I wait seeing him nod through the confusion, "down stairs, did you see the server holding the tray of wine?" He hesitates, thinking over the number of servers that actually waited on us tonight, and finally nods. "His name is Adam Tate, he was our pilot and is possibly the only person that knows what happened to my family." And there it is, the moment the words leave my mouth the tears I've been fighting against start to win. Turning my head away I brush at them, hoping that Peeta won't notice.
The feeling of his hand on the side of my face, coxing me to turn and face him is impossible to ignore. I bite down on my lip when he wipes away a tear, I can't allow my lip to tremble because I can only afford to look so weak before he realizes just how weak I truly am. "Kira, I'm so sorry." He apologizes, even though he has nothing to apologize for he must realize that if Adam is an Avox it's most likely because of the 'hovercraft' incident which means he also realizes the possible fate my family met and what fate I could meet if I tell anyone else. "You can't tell anyone this, you can't even go near him. You understand that, right?" He whispers, and for a while I don't respond lowing my gaze. I want nothing more than to go to Adam, to find out what happened to my family and that is exactly what Peeta is asking me not to do.
I hear Peeta sigh and stand up, "you're freezing." He states before shrugging off his jacket, and holds it to towards me when I don't take it right away he moves in closer and drapes it over my shoulder before sitting on his haunches, and doing up the button to keep the jacket from falling off. It's warm, against my cool exposed skin and I offer a pathetic smile feeling to drained to put any real effort into it. "Come on, let's get you inside." He pauses as his gaze trails from my eyes to my still exposed legs, "I should have got you to change before coming up here." He shakes his head at himself, before reaching out for my hand.
I grab hold of his and lift myself from my broken position, trying to leave behind the tirade of emotions on this roof as we exit it. We spend the walk to my room in silence, right up until we reach my door, I watch as he hesitates wanting to say something before changing his mind and bids me goodnight. "Night," I say quietly before he turns and walks away and I enter my temporary room. I wrap my arms around myself pulling the sides of the jacket closer together to bring me more warmth. Peeta's jacket, I realize as I inhale his scent it smells rich like chocolate, probably a fragrance he tried out in the shower today, but there's something else a faint undertone of the flowers that were on the roof. Lifting my gaze I see it, a piece of white folded up paper is lying on my pillow.
When I move to sit on my bed I grab the remote that is on the night stand table, ignoring the note for the time being, and lift it to the wall that appears as a large window, it's really just a screen that can be changed to reflect the person within. I sit there numbly changing the image, first the capitol is shown with all its tall buildings and sparklingly lights. I change that. Next is an image of a forest that is being pelted with rain, it reminds me of the woods where I lost my family, letting a few tears fall I change that image to. I settle on one of a night sky, filled with stars and a full moon. I lower my hand to rest the remote in my lap and stare at the dark sky before me. Before turning and reaching for the note with trembling hands.