Wasted Love
Rating: M – You guys know why.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, except for my own thoughts, two dogs and too many books.
Acknowledgments: To my sweet friend Rê - without you this story would be in my computer's trash.
This chapter is unbetaded, and english is not my first language. Please, keep that in mind.
CHAPTER ONE
"Oh, God... I love you." I moaned, closing my eyes with a grin.
"I'd hope you're not talking to your bathtub again." Angela teased, walking into my bathroom unceremoniously.
"Leave me be, Angela." I said, sliding deeper into the warm water. "I waited for this moment, right here, the whole day."
"So... that's the prospect of your night?" Angie stood at the door, dressed to party - and taken that we have had this same conversation every weekend since she moved in with me, I knew what her next words were before she said anything at all. "C'mon, let's go out with me! There's this new place that supposed to be gr..."
"No, thank you." I interrupted her, ignoring her rolling eyes.
"Bells, you never leave this house." She stated.
"You say that as if it was a bad thing." I teased back.
"There are people and fun outside, you know?" She insisted. "And you could say yes to it once, for a change."
"Oh, I know I could." I acknowledged. "But I won't."
"Ok, then." She huffed, finally giving up and making her way out. "Enjoy your bath …"
"I will..."
"… and don't wait up!" She shouted, as I heard the front door closing.
"I never do." I murmured to myself, finally relaxing against the back of the bathtub and reaching for my wine glass.
My phone went off before I could take a sip.
"Angie, cut it out!" I answered without looking, annoyed by my sister's stubbornness.
"Excuse me," I unknown voice replied to my rant. "May I speak with Mrs. Isabella Cullen, please?"
The mention of my married name - as of my married status - ripped me right out of my mood. I dropped my glass into the water in the rush to cover myself, suddenly self-conscious.
"Ye-yes, this is her." I stammered, stepping out of the water. "Who is this?"
"Mrs. Cullen, my name is Caroline Lee, I'm calling from the Seattle General Hospital on behalf of your husband Edward Cullen. You are listed as his emergency contact."
"Edward?" I searched blindly for a towel. "What happened?"
"Mr. Cullen was involved in an accident."
"An accident?" My voice sounded too low, filled with panic. "Is he okay? Where is…"
"Mrs. Cullen, I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to give you details about his conditions over the phone, but the hospital is requesting your presence as soon as possible."
"Yes, of course." I answered, gathering all the details I needed before ending the call. he back of my knees hit the side of the tub and sat limply on the edge, trying to wrap my head around what had just happened.
I hadn't heard a word about Edward's whereabouts in almost 3 years. No phone calls, emails, not even a text; just like he promised the last time we saw each other, it was like he never existed. And now he was here, hurt, maybe even...
"No." The word echoed through the empty bathroom; I refused to get lost in "what if's".
I scrolled through my contacts list with trembling fingers until I found Emmett's number; that was the first thing I had to do: letting him know what was going on with his brother.
"Dr. Emmett Cullen," He answered immediately, catching me out of guard.
"Emmett?" I said reluctant. "It's Bella."
"Bells?" Emmett's voice was full of surprise. "Hey, is everything ok?"
"No." I sighed, gathering the courage to spill the guts while I was still able to talk. "I just got a call from Seattle General Hospital; Your brother has been in an accident and was admitted there."
"Edward? What? How... What happened?" Emmett stuttered as heard him moving around.
"I don't know anything, they didn't give me details over the phone. I'm on my way, but I live in Portland now, so will take me a couple of hours to get to Seattle. I know you live closer, so... Can you be there?"
"Of course I can, I'm going right now." He stayed in silence for a moment. "Bella… Why did they call you?"
"They said I'm still his emergency contact." It was all I managed to say before the tears started to flow. "I don't know what to do, Emm."
"Breathe," He said quietly. "Let's get there before we drive ourselves crazy trying to guess what is happening, ok?"
"Ok." I took a deep breath. "I'll meet you there."
I drove aimlessly, barely able to follow the signs - thank God I knew this road by heart.
My mind was filled with images of Edward; his face smiling at me first thing in the morning, his off key voice singing with the radio while we drove down this very same road.
I was doing my best to keep my emotions in check, at least until I saw him again - alive, I hoped.
"Please, let him be alive." I prayed.
The hospital came into view, and I focused again in get to Edward as fast as I could. I bolted through the parking lot and the lobby, only stopping when a middle-aged woman welcomed me from the other side of the counter.
"Can I help you?"
"Yes, please, my husband was in an accident and..."
"Name?" She asked, cutting me.
"Edward Anthony Cullen." She verified my ID quickly, handing me back a badge with the word visitor written on it.
"Your husband has been moved for a privet room, Mrs. Cullen. You can..."
"So he is alive?" I whispered, grabbing the counter for stability.
My legs were shaking; I was terrified to ask this question, but if they moved him to a room, he had to be alive.
The lady smiled sympathetic at me behind her glasses, patting my hand.
"I believe so, darling. Now, you take the elevator down the hall, room 1880. The nurses will fill you in."
Thanking her, I made my way to the elevators.
I watched as each floor passed through; the fact that I was going to see Edward after all this years was eclipsed by the fact that he was alive – that I was going to see him at all.
When the doors finally opened on the eighteenth floor, I stopped on my tracks in shock: there it was Rosalie, beautiful as ever, but sporting a pregnant belly that wasn't there the last time we saw each other.
"Oh my god, look at you!" I exclaimed, thrilled, and Rose noticed me, leaning on Emmett to get up. "You look beautiful!"
She meet me in a tight hug – as much as we could with her belly between us, anyway. Rose and Emmett had just got engaged when Edward and I got together, and she made me feel welcomed from the day one. Our bond only grew stronger with time; she was an amazing friend and a straightforward woman from who I could always expect the truth.
I missed her immensely, but things were really hard after our separation; hard enough for me to need to distance myself from everything that linked me to Edward.
"Oh shut up! I look like a whale!" She cried. "Fuck you, Isabella!" Rose cursed, slapping my shoulder, before hugging me again, and I couldn't help but smile at her - still - foul mouth. "I've missed you so much! I don't care if you left that idiot, you shouldn't have left me!"
She took a step back and I watched her eyes shine with tears.
"You are right, I'm so sorry." I nodded, keeping my arms around her. "I can't believe I've missed this of all things!" I took a look at her belly, feeling the baby move under my hands and for a second I was able to forgot about the shitty situation that had reunited us.
Emmett touched my shoulder, bringing me right back to reality.
"Hey, Bells." I grinned at that big bear of a man; he looked taller, if that was possible, and tired... but was still Emmett in his curls, dimples and all.
"Hey you," I hugged him, noticing his bloodshot eyes. "How is he, Emm?"
The door behind Emmett caught my attention: room 1880. I realized Edward was there - six feet away from me - and I couldn't wait another minute to see him with my own eyes.
"What happened? Can I see him?" I asked, looking at Emmett.
"He's good - much better than I thought he would be. He's stable now, and sleeping."
Emmett ran his hands through his hair, a habit that his brother had inherited from him and that gave me a familiar tug in the chest - the one that came every time I allowed myself to remember those little things about Edward.
"Can I see him?" I asked once again, taking a step towards the room.
Emmett stopped me before I could reach the door.
"Bella, wait. We need to talk before you get in." I frowned, but he just motioned to the green chairs next to the nurse's station. "Just let me brief you in."
Emmett sat by my side, rubbing his hands together nervously. His eyes were strained on mine.
"Bella, Edward's bike got hit by a truck outside Seattle. The impact broke his right leg, cracked two ribs and caused internal bleeding, but that's not all." He didn't waited for me to react, moving on. "Edward wasn't wearing a helmet and suffered a pretty serious concussion. He was unconscious when they found him, but came back, very confused. When I got here he was already stable, so all I could do was having him moved to private room. He was half awake and recognized me immediately, but..." Emmett sighed. "But then he asked me where you were, and I knew something was wrong. Edward never talked about you, ever."
Emmett took a deep breath, but I was still holding mine.
"After seeing him, I talked to the doctor so I could fully understand what was happening and basically, Edward's suffering from amnesia, Bella." He stated softly while I gaped, speechless. "We don't know much about it yet, how it happened or why it's happening, and as far as we know it can be a temporary situation, but it what it is."
My heart sank to the floor.
"What…" I tried to speak, perplexed. "What does this means?"
"It means that somehow his brain is suppressing part of his memories. Although Edward knows who he is, who we are and where he is now, his confused about many other things."
"Things like...?" I pressed - completely unaware that the next sentence to came out of Emmett's lips, would turn my world upside down.
"He thinks you two are still married."
His words fell between us, as I felt the floor vanish from my feet.
"How —how come?" I whispered back, rubbing my chest and trying to easy the ache.
"We don't know yet. He was really confused when he regained consciousness; he knew his first name, but kept asking about you so much, that at first the paramedics thought that you were in the bike with him. They spent hours searching around for another person."
I sat in there, gaping at Emmett and trying to come up with something to say, but my mouth couldn't keep up with my mind.
"He didn't have any documents with him, so it took them almost 48 hours to get a hold of who he was. That was how they found you, listed as his emergency contact."
How could that be happening? Edward - my husband, the love of my life - completely unaware of the worst days we lived... of everything that drove us apart.
"We never went through with the divorce." I acknowledged it in a soft voice. "I've never had the strength to do it, and apparently neither did him."
"He looked so lost, Bells. When I came in, he…" His voice failed. "He just held my hand, staring at me as if I was going to disappear." Emmett sighed, heartbroken, and my eyes filled with the tears. "When he wakes up tomorrow, he will undergo through a series of exams and they must be able to tell us more, but he needs to rest. Up to now we are working under the assumption that the amnesia was caused by the trauma." He shrugged. "And until we know more, the doctors think that we should keep the situation as... away as possible from him."
"What does that mean?" I inquired, sitting straight.
"We will tell him about the accident, but not about the amnesia. At least not for a couple of days, until we've gathered more information about why is happening." I stayed in silence – mostly because I was still unable to form actual words. "Bella, I'm well aware of how… Fucked up this is, for a lack of a better word. You have to know that we would never ask you to compromise yourself this way. I understand that you have your own life, and you don't need to be a part of this."
"How are you planning to do this without me Emm?" I snapped, resting my head between my hands, and closing my eyes for a second. "He still thinks we are married, for God sakes."
"Baby, we're worried about you as much as we are about him." Rose muttered, touching my forearm tenderly. "We don't want you to get hurt and, if you choose going into this mess, there's a huge possibility that you will. Edward thinks that you're still his wife and he will treat as so, can you handle that?"
Did I really had a choice?
Did Emmett and Rose thought that I could just I walk away from him, as if all of this didn't concern me too?
I knew I couldn't.
"You guys don't have to ask me to be part of this," I said squeezing her hand. "But you got know me enough to know that I could never walk away from Edward like that."
Rose smiled sadly at me.
"I know, but still is your choice to make."
"He's my husband." I said as matter of fact and Emmett nodded, closing the subject. "Have you called your parents?"
I was wondering how Esme, the super mom herself, wasn't here putting the whole place on fire already.
"Yes, I did, but they are in London. Dad said that they'll catch a red eye and be here in the morning."
"Good." Standing up, I looked at Emmett. "Emm, if that's all, I would really like to see Edward now."
"He's still sedated." Emmett warned me as we approached Edward's room. "The doctor said that they will wake him up again, in the morning."
"Ok." I whispered, stopping just outside the door to get a hold of Emm's forearm, before he could open it. "Are you sure that this is the best way, Emm?" I asked. "Lie to him?"
Emmett exhaled slowly. "I am. And we are not lying to him, per se. We're keeping from him what he can't possibly process right now." He turned the knob, walking ahead of me. "He will be out like a light tonight, you won't be able to talk to him."
"I don't care." I stepped in and the antiseptic smell hit me, something that never failed in get me sick. My stomach lurched, but it lasted for only a second - I saw him then, and nothing else mattered.
As Emmett said, Edward was asleep. looking peaceful and comfortable in the large hospital bed - bud the injuries along his body told a different story.
His right leg was resting in a cast, and there was a wide bandage across the side of his skull, where they shaved a big chunk of his reddish hair.
"Oh my god, baby." The words escaped from me as I got closer, broken. "What have you done?"
His hands and arms had bruises and burns from the impact, as far as I could see; his ribs were also covered by bandages, there were thin tubes and a large IV coming out of his forearm. I could hear the faint bip of the machines behind the bed monitoring his vitals and even though I knew I shouldn't touch him, I couldn't resist stretching my hand to hold his.
I closed my eyes, stopping myself from focusing on his wounds: Edward was here... That was it.
The fire that had kindled inside of me when I realized that he was alive, was now burning everything - all my reservations, all my regrets.
It felt like not even a day had gone by since I last saw him.
His hands were warm and I let myself be invaded by the sensation: love, sadness and relief crashing inside of me, wave after wave.
My tears now were running freely.
He was here, alive - he would open those big green eyes soon, smile at me and joke about the fact that I was wearing high heels in a hospital.
In that moment, there was only one thing I was sure about it: I could learn to live in a world were Edward wasn't part of my life, but I couldn't live in a world where he didn't exist.
I had no idea how long I stayed there, just crying while holding Edward's hand but Emmett let me be. "I'm sorry, Emm." I said, whipping my tears and trying to recompose myself. "I'm just…"
"Don't worry about it." He dismissed me with a smile.
"He will be ok, right?" I turned around, searching for assuredness.
"Well, the doctors feel really hopeful about his…" He started but I stopped him.
"I don't want to know how they feel about it, Emm. I want to know how you feel about it. You're the one doctor that I trust."
"Well," He started. "I feel like the worst part is over, we just weren't here too see - that's the first 24 hours." Emm said, stepping closer. "Edward is healthy, young and his body is healing fast after the surgeries - that's always a good sign. I'm trying not to worry about the amnesia until we have a position from a neurologist." He sighed deeply. "Physically, it won't be easy, but I think he's going to be fine."
"Thank you." I mumbled, hugging his arm and resting my head on his shoulder.
I missed Emmett; and I never gave so much value to his degrees as I did right now.
After a few moments, Rose knocked on the door.
"May I...?" She peeked in.
"Of course, he's asleep." Emmett said, extending her hand and pulling her closer. "You look tired, honey. We've had a long day."
"I'm fine." She answered while yawning, and I laughed.
"You two should go home." I said, getting closer to put my hand over Rose's belly.
"No -"
"That's not necess—"
I stopped them both mid-sentence. "What can you guys do here? Emmett, you said it yourself: Edward won't be awake until morning. You should go rest. Tomorrow will be much more of a trying day."
There was no reason why the three of us should spend the night uncomfortable in this hospital room.
"So, I take you're staying?" Rose inquired, raising a brow.
"Definitely." I smiled.
"Do you want me to bring you anything?" Her hands covered mine and I smiled fondly.
"No, it's ok. I'll have Angela bring me anything that I need, in the morning. I still have to call her."
Emmett got their coats while Rose hugged me again.
"Use this time to think, ok?"
"I will." I promised, letting her go and Emmett kissed my cheek.
"Call me if anything change, my phone will be right beside me. And I'll pick mom and dad at airport and we will be back in the morning."
"Don't worry. We'll be fine." I said, walking them to the door. "Rest. You've to deal with mother tomorrow."
"Tell me about it." Rolling his eyes, Emmett closed the door behind them.
Esme wasn't anyone's piece of cake.
I got back to Edward, bringing with me the plastic chair that sat folded by the door, so I could sit by his side.
His chest moved lightly, up and down, and I focused on the movement letting my mind wander.
My life had change irrevocably in the last few hours, and yet somehow it felt like it was only the tip of the iceberg.
Suddenly, the weight of this day fell over me; the demand at the store had been kicking my ass this week, and my plans of a relaxing Friday night, now looked like an unreal dream.
Resting my head over our joined hands on the bed, I let sleep claim me.
Someone opened the door, waking me up with a startle.
I lifted my head in a quick movement and tried to situate myself in the strange surroundings; the hospital smell hit me once again and everything that happened last night came back in a flash.
I sat up straight, wide awake.
My back was hurting from the position that I had spent the night, sleeping/sitting on the chair besides Edward's bed, my head lying close to his chest on the mattress.
"Good morning," Nurse Beckett, one of the many that I had met during the night rounds, smiled at me. "I didn't mean to disturb you, but I do need to check on Mr. Cullen."
"Of course." I got out of her away, waiting in the corner and watching intently while she checked him.
"We are wearing off the medication," She said, checking something over the monitors. "Dr. Jane should be here soon."
"Ok, thank you." I rubbed my eyes, lightheaded by the lack of decent sleep.
I really needed some coffee.
"You should eat something, Mrs. Cullen." Nurse Beckett said on cue. "We have a cafeteria on the 5th floor, your husband will be ok by himself for a few minutes."
"Bella, please, Mrs. Cullen is... my mother-in-law." I answered automatically, stopping mid-sentence when I realized what I was doing. It's been years since I answered anyone like that. "It's ok, I don't want to leave him alone. Is there a coffee machine around?"
"Down the hallway." Thanking her, I made my way out of the room - the coffee was shitty, but would have to do.
I stretched, walking around the hallway for a second and watching the morning light start to fill the darks spots around the place.
I knew that when Emmett came back, he would bring Esme with him... and I wasn't looking forward to that.
I've always tried my best to not think about Esme as a bad person; she was an over protective mother and naturally suspicious about any girl in her sons lives, but once she realized that we were serious about each other, she warmed up and we lived in peace - something that lasted until I left Edward.
Even then, I could understand: she was blindsided - besides the fact that Esme was unaware of all the facts that led our marriage to an end, she had to watch her son suffer - and no matter how bad things ended between us, I knew he suffered, as much as me.
Distracted, I wandered back to our last morning together.
"Is that what you want?" Edward asked, standing on the edge of the bed.
My things were already packed when he got in - I had come for an empty house again last night, but for the last time.
We hardly even talked anymore; I was at the store as much as I could and he was doing the same at the apartment was no longer our home.
"Is that what you want, Bella?" He insisted, getting closer.
I wanted to shout that that was not was I wanted; I wanted to say that I wanted was to talk and maybe work out all the shit that had been slowly killing us both and that had killed our marriage.
But I hadn't the strength within me anymore.
I was tired of feeling like I was drowning, trying to keep my head above the water.
I was tired, period.
"I can't do this anymore." I whispered, avoiding his eyes.
"You don't have to leave" He said, after a beat. "I'll go and stay with Emm."
My eyes filled with tears at his words. That was it - he had given up too.
"No," I said, my throat dry when my tearing eyes met his. "I can't stay here, not without you. I'll go to Portland."
We never finished the renovations in the old summer house we've bought in Portland, but it was good enough for me to stay there. We never had the chance to build any kid of memories on that house, and that sounded like exactly what I needed.
I had barely turned around, when I felt his hands on my forearm.
"Bella," He said softly. "Don't go." I looked down, watching his fingers on my skin, relishing in that feeling one last time.
Letting it go, I picked up my bags and whispered.
"I'm sorry."
"How did we messed up this badly?" I whispered, staring at the window, my mind still lost in the past.
A soft voice startled me out of my trip down memory lane.
"Bella?" I turned around and Nurse Beckett was peeking out of Edward's room.
"He is awake."