Wasted Love
Rating: M - You guys know why.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, except for my own thoughts, two dogs and too many books.
This chapter is unbeta'ded and English is not my first language - please, keep that in mind.
A/N: Hey, it has been a while! I have been battling a bit against how Angst this story has become (much more than I first thought it would) but that's just how writing works for me: sometimes, a story chooses its own path. I promise, that even though we have a few sad chapters ahead of us, it will not always be this way - and there is a HEA waiting, without a doubt.
I appreciate y'all more than I can say. Thank you very much for the support!
CHAPTER FIVE
I was in that strange place, between a dream and the reality.
I knew I could not be in La Push beach, so I had to be dreaming; yet I could smell the familiar scent of salt and wood invading my senses and feel the cold and grainy sand between my toes. I could even hear the Quileute kids playing around the rocks.
So, I smiled and kept my eyes shut, enjoying this illusion for as long as I could - it was amazingly peaceful.
Unfortunately, I couldn't keep it for long – the sun was invading my eyes and there was warm feeling of something running over my cheeks.
I cracked one eye open and found Rose smiling down at me.
"Hey." She spoke softly.
In a beat I was up in the bed, my head quickly catching up the whole shit we have been through in the last days.
"What time is it?" I said, searching for my phone on the nightstand. "I need to call Emmett."
"Hey, calm down." Rose replied, sitting beside me with a reassuring smile. "It's not even 8am, yet. I just got out of the phone with Emm and everything is fine. Edward is asleep."
"Oh, thank God." I sighed, relaxing against the headboard.
"He said that the doctors will come by in an hour or so, and I thought you might want to take a shower and get some coffee before we go."
"Thank you, you're right." I smiled, stretching my arm to cover her hand that rested in her bump. "Good morning, you two."
"Good morning. How did you sleep?"
"Like a rock." I yawned, uncovering my legs to get up. "Let me take a shower and I'll be right down with you."
"Take your time, and... Bella?" She said, losing her smile. "Call Charlie, ok? He deserves to know, and I'm sure he will want to be here for you."
Rose walked out, giving me privacy so I could do so because, as usual, she was right; I had let this go too far without calling my dad, and he deserved better than that.
Charlie was great father.
Caring, reliable, supportive... he loved us more than anything - including Edward - and it was not fair to not letting him know what was going on.
My mother was complicated; she would overreact and somehow made this all about her, and I did not need that right now.
My knees bounced up and down nervously as I dialed the station number; I knew it was unlikely that Charlie had started answering the cell phone I gave him a couple birthdays ago.
"Chief Swan," He said immediately, as a way of greeting.
"Hey dad." I replied, holding the wave of emotion that came with hearing his voice and that alone.
Charlie and had a strong bond; a bond that survived to mine and Angela's teenage years and to our mother nomad antics: she dragged me and Angela as long as she could, until we put our foot down and went to live with Charlie, just before high school.
"Hey kid! " He said with enthusiasm. "I just got out of the phone with Angie. She told me you were swamped, so I didn't want to bother you."
"You never bother me, Chief." I said with a very collected tone, which instantly kicked his instincts.
"You ok, Bella?" He inquired, worried.
"I've... been better, dad." I sighed, trying to gather the words, but it was especially hard to deliver the news to him - he and Edward became close through our marriage.
For two introverted man, they hit off quickly; from the moment I brought Edward home, it was all about baseball and fishing trips to La Push. And their friendship, of course, had an impact my relationship with Charlie as well - if it was possible, it brought us even closer together.
The look on Charlie's face, when I told him that I was leaving Edward, it's not something I will forget.
"You're getting me worried, Bella." Charlie said as the silence stretched between us. "What's going on?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, dad." I shook my head, trying to focus on the facts. "This Friday night I got a call from the Seattle General Hospital, about Edward."
"Edward? Holy sh..." He muttered, his voice failing for a second. "What happened?"
"Road accident." I stated, focusing on the facts. "He broke a leg, cracked a few ribs, but thank God he's mostly fine."
"Lucky bastard." Charlie sighed, relieved. "Are you with him?"
"That's not all, dad." I continued quietly. "He hit his head, pretty hard, and had a concussion. He can't remember a lot of things."
"What do you mean?" He mirrored the same words I have said to Emmett before.
"He has amnesia." I explained, finally saying the dreaded word that was such a big part of my life now. "We don't know much about it yet, the doctors are supposed to have a clear diagnosis today, but we are hoping for it to be a trauma consequence." My voice thickened with emotion. "It looks bad."
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I was crying again.
"Oh, Bella." Charlie whispered, broken, as I sob.
"I'm sorry, dad, I just can't stop crying! It' been two days of this shit, now."
"It's ok, sweetie." My dad muttered sweetly. "I've to find someone to replace me, but I'll be with you as soon as I can."
"Dad," I whispered, trying to keep my cool between the tears. "You don't have to do that."
"Where else could I be, Bells?" He interrupted me. "You're my kid, and you need me by your side now."
There was nothing else I could say, after all, he was right: I was his kid, through and through, and if he wanted to be here, I was luckier than I ever thought.
"Thank you." I said, grateful. "Really, dad."
"I'll call, when I'm on my way to Seattle, ok? Bye, Bells."
Whit that, he was gone.
Charlie was a man of actions, not words.
I really wanted to take full advantage of Rose's luxurious guest bathroom, but my mind was still on that hospital room; so, ten minutes in, ten minutes out and I was ready to go.
Rose waited for me at the kitchen table.
"Thanks," I muttered when she finished pouring coffee in my cup, as I sat in front of her.
"I miss coffee," She sighed sadly.
I tried to hide my amusement at her pout, poorly.
"You shouldn't have, Rose. I could've stopped somewhere on my way to the hospital."
"I can't drink it, let me at least enjoy it while I make it." She whined making me laugh out loud this time. "So, what's the plan?"
"I don't think we have one." I answered, shrugging. "The doctors are supposed to have more information today... but god only knows."
"How are you?" She asked, sipping on her cup of tea.
"I'm fin..." The glance she gave me stopped mid-sentence. "I'm worried. About how everything will go down today."
"We all are, babe, but there's not much use in worrying, there's it?" She shrugged. "The sooner he knows, the better. We can all start healing and moving on."
I just nodded, wordless.
As soon as Edward learns about his condition, we could indeed move on, whatever that meant.
"My dad will be here later." I added, changing the subject for my own sake.
"I imagined he would," she stated, smiling. "The other guest room is ready for him, you know? So, he doesn't have to go back and forth to your place in Portland."
"Thanks Rose," I stretched my hand to hold hers. "Really. For everything."
"I love you, you know that, right?" Rose beamed.
"I know," I smiled back. "Me too."
"Good," She pointed a finger at me, frowning. "Then you better keep in mind how nice I am, ok? Because I won't be this forgiving the next time you decide to bail on me."
I nodded and stretching my pinky finger to her.
"I won't disappear again, no matter how this goes." I vowed. "Pinky swear."
Huffing annoyed, Rose relented anyway, linking her finger with mine.
Twenty-five minutes later, I dropped Rose on the foyer of the hospital, before parking the car. When I walked back, I found her waiting for me alongside Emmett.
"Good morning," He smiled, dimples deepening in his cheek.
"Hi Emm." I hugged him. "How's everything?"
"Stable," He shrugged. "He still on some pretty heavy analgesics. "
"Good. I'm going up to see him."
"I'm going take the chance of getting breakfast with Rose, ok?" He grinned, giving a very loving look to his very pregnant wife. "My father is out on a hunt for some decent coffee, but he should be back soon."
"Sure, go ahead." I smiled back. "Where's Esme?"
"Upstairs with Edward." Emmett grimaced.
I rolled my eyes.
Hard.
What better way to start my morning then facing mama dearest?
"Good luck?" He stammered, scratching his head.
"Is that a wish or a question?" I narrowed my eyes, and with Emm's laughter booming in my ears, I walked to the reception to get my visitor badge.
I stepped out of the elevator into Edward's floor with a smile on my face an intention in mind: I was not going to lose my shit with Esme today.
I knocked twice on the door, before opening it.
"May I come in?" I inquired, peeking into the room.
"Do I have a choice?" Esme hissed without looking up from her book, and I sighed.
Great, she was in a good mood.
"Not really." I shrugged, getting into the room.
Nothing seemed to have changed since I left, yesterday.
Esme sat by the chair beside Edwards's bed, while he slept peacefully; his hair was a mess – what was left of it anyway –, and his free arm was draped lightly over his forehead. I
I approached the bed from the opposite side of my mother-in-law, and ran my hand overs his, closing my eyes as I relished the feeling.
He was alive. He was here.
"How was his night?" I sighed, continuing softly when she didn't answer me. "Esme, I'm not your enemy."
"What are you, then?" She replied without missing a beat.
"I'm a woman that loves your son," I said, meeting her eyes. "And I am willing to break my heart, again, if that means that he's going to be ok. Much like you, all I want is to see Edward well and back on his feet, and I do not care about the cost - not even if I am going to be the one paying the price. You don't need to trust me, but can you live with that?
We stayed quiet for a few minutes, both of processing my rant. As much as I understood her anger, he was the reason we both were here to stay, and she had to deal with it.
We could this on the easy way, or on the hard one – either way, it was Esme's decision.
"Can you live with that?" I inquired once again, eager to leave this shit behind us, at least for now.
We stared at each other, and I knew she could not ignore the honesty she saw in me.
"Yes, I can." She said simply, casting her eyes down and closing her book.
"That's good enough for me." I said, turning back my attention to him.
I would anything for Edward, as would his mother, and maybe there was hope if we could find our common grounds in this: our love for him.
"His night was uneventful." She answered to my previous question, and I knew that this was her white flag. "I guess that is as good as it gets now."
"Yeah," I said, sitting in the edge of the bed. "I guess it is." I touched his face, and his whole body turned on my direction.
I froze, afraid of disturbing his sleep, but he didn't wake.
Suddenly I was reminded of my own mother, and her words from so many years ago, when I told her that Edward had asked Charlie my hand in marriage.
"You two are like magnets... two planets caught on each other's atmosphere. He moves, you move."
She was so worried back then about what would happen to me if we ever broke up, and given everything that we went through... I couldn't blame her.
My memories were interrupted when one of the nurses walked in, smiling at us before examining Edward vitals and checking his IV.
I waited on the foot of the bed and when she was over, she excused herself, informing us that Dr. Jane would be with us soon. A few minutes after the nurse left, Carlisle arrived, smiling, and holding a Starbucks tray.
He handed me one of the cups and kissed my cheek before walking to his wife.
"Did you get some sleep?" He asked, taking a sip of his coffee.
"I did, yes." I replied, drinking my own. "And you?"
"Well... More than I would have away from him, I guess."
"Esme said that the night went well."
"Did she?" He looked suspicious between me and her, and she shrugged. "Well, he woke up once or twice, but he isn't as confused as he was before."
"That's good." I muttered.
Of course, it was good, but it also got us closer to the end of this - all of it: the bad and the good too.
"He asked for you a few times..." Carlisle continued. "But Emmett said that you would be here by the morning, and he didn't put up a fight."
"Do you think Dr. Jane will have some answers today?"
"I hope so." He said thoughtfully.
"Will they tell him soon? About the memory loss?"
I voiced the words who conveyed my biggest fear right now, trying hard to keep my emotions in check.
"Probably," Carlisle answered it truthfully. "If they have answers, that's it. They will probably want to discuss with us the best way to approach him, but we'll do it sooner than later. It will mean that we can start to deal with the real problem here, his amnesia."
I just nodded, until unsure of how I felt as I stared my sleeping husband.
There was no use in fearing what came ahead of us; I knew that this moment was upon us, and more: I wanted it - the truth for sure would hurt us, but it would also set us free.
"How are you?" I felt my father-in-law hand rest on my shoulder. "It's ok to be anxious. Things changed a lot on the last couple of days and they will change again. But he is going to need you, you know?"
His voice was full of meaning and I found myself looking up to face him, his eyes bursting with emotion, as he spoke.
"He is a strong man, and he's sure been through a lot and survived but this is different." Carlisle sighed. "He's going to need you, as you're going to need him. If you hope to solve anything, that's the only way."
I said nothing, my own words long gone; obviously, our family understood so much more than we have gave them credit for.
"Hey," Emmett appeared at the door, ending the moment. "I met Dr. Jane in the elevator, and she would like to see us in her office."
"Sure," Carlisle said, regarding Esme. "Are you going to wait with him?"
"I think he can be by himself for a few minutes, I would like to go."
She followed Emmet out, while Carlisle waited for me at the door, and even though I have been preparing myself for this moment since I laid my eyes on Edward again, I couldn't move.
Dr. Jane was waiting for us at her office.
"Please, come in." She said with smile as we followed Emmett inside, where Dr. Tanner was already waiting for us. "Thank you for coming."
"We're glad to have answers." Carlisle said standing behind the chair while Esme sat; I took the chair by her side.
"As are we." Dr. Jane sat behind her desk, regarding us. "We are all well acquainted with the details of Edwards's accident, so I think we can go straight to the point, right?"
"Yes." Emmett replied, as the rest of us nodded.
"Until now, we've been treating Mr. Cullen memory loss as a case of retrograde amnesia - a direct result of the physical trauma he suffered -, as is the standard procedure in traumas like his." She clarified. "After many physical exams and psychological evaluation though, we don't believe anymore that retrograde amnesia is the cause."
"I would like to reiterate," Dr. Tanner chimed in. "That in my experience working with memory loss patients, I have never saw a retrograde amnesia that made such a damage, or a patient in Edward's condition that remembers the trauma. And after talking with Mrs. Cullen's and Dr. Cullen, I was able to delimit the memory loss to something between 8 to 6 years. Which is…"
"… away too much time for a retrograde amnesia." Carlisle mumbled, filling in her sentence.
"Exactly." She agreed. "I'm confident in my diagnosis that this is psychological, Dr. Cullen. I believe that your son is suffering of a Dissociative Disorder."
As the room fell in silence, I looked at Carlisle and Emmett for guidance, and they seemed deep in thought. What that meant?
"What all of that supposed to mean?" Esme echoed my thoughts, reminding me that at least she was here clueless as me.
"It means that it was not the physical trauma that caused his amnesia, it was just the trigger for something else to do it. His brain is pretty much trying to protect itself." Carlisle explained, reaching to comfort her. "In order to do that, it suppressed part of his memories to survive and get over any traumas."
Suddenly, like 2 plus 2 equals 4, everything happening with Edward, made sense for me.
"Goldie," I whispered the name of our baby for the first time in many, many years. My hand flew to my mouth, trying to control the sob that threatened to erupt from me. "He's trying to forget Goldie."
I cried out, the people around me forgotten; the grief - that right now, seemed to be mine, and mine alone - engulfed everything.
During every minute in my life, I was walking a fine line between trying to forget Goldie - and all the pain that came along with losing her - but at the same time, to never let her to be forgotten.
She may not have had much time in this world, but she was a big part of mine... and Edward's. While we had her here, inside of me, she was everything, and that was something that bounded us together, indubitably: she was real for us.
But it looked like this wasn't truth anymore - Edward was trying to forget her, while I just could not.
I felt Emmett arms around me, holding me together while I fell apart.
"I'm so sorry, Bells."
"How am I going to do that?" I wondered out loud, the words coming out in a desperate flow and a broken voice that did not sound like mine at all. "How am I going to tell him about her? How am I going to tell him that I lost our baby?" I sobbed, burying my face into Emmet's chest. "I can't do that Emm, I can't do that again!"
I was two steps away from having a full panic attack; the world was spinning, and I could feel my body shaken against Emmett's arms. I leaned forward, resting my elbows over my tights, and trying to breathe, but I could not feel the air entering my lungs.
Saying her name had freed feelings that had been buried in me for far too long.
On my peripheral vision, I could see all the doctors in the room snapping in action to help me; but ironically, it was the voice of the only non-doctor in the room that snapped me out of it.
"Isabella," I heard Esme's calling out my name a second before I felt her hands on my face. She stood in front of me, crouched on the floor to meet my eye, her face stained with tears. "Breathe. In and out."
She guided me for a couple of minutes, my body answering her commands absently.
"It was not your fault." She spoke softly, when I could finally breath again. "Losing Goldie was a tragedy beyond the control of any of us." I nodded, still unable to speak. "It. Was. Not. Your. Fault." She muttered each word, speaking slowly. "Don't do this to yourself. You are not alone."
"We are here for you, Bells." Emmet reassured. "We're doing this together."
"Your husband memories are not gone, Mrs. Cullen." Dr. Jane said, drawing my attention back. "He's essentially, detaching himself from what he lived, so he can keep moving forward, but it is still there." She spoke. "Now, that we know what we are dealing with, we can help him, and we will."
"Yes," I said, coming back to the moment more clearly. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to make a scene, I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Dr. Tanner said. "If anything, you have been suffocating these feelings as much as Mr. Cullen and you shouldn't. I know this is going to be hard for everyone," She continued, addressing our family. "But given the circumstances, it's going to be harder on Edward. He's going to need all of your support to get through the psychological treatment."
"I'll be keeping Mr. Cullen here at least until the end of his antibiotic round." Dr. Jane stated. "After that, physically, he's ready to go and recover at home."
"But I do advise you to break the news for him while he's still here." Dr. Tanner warned. "If anything, no matter how he reacts, this is a controlled environment with medical support. Normally I would ask to be present in that moment, for to the patient safeness, but knowing the situation and that both Dr. Cullen's are more than apt to deal with it, I'll allow you to do it in privacy." She sighed. "God knows that it's going to be hard enough without the presence of a stranger."
"Thank you." Carlisle smile sadly. "You both, for everything."
"The sooner, the better." She reiterated. "Whatever it is the path that we are going to choose from now on, starts with telling him the truth and making him aware of his own situation. And Mrs. Cullen," She said, glancing back at me. "I want you to get help too - not only to help Edward, but to not get to the point that he did. I need you to deal with what you have been neglecting. I hope you understand that this treatment starts with your husband, but does not end with him, ok?"
"We'll make sure that she does." Emmett answered, looking fondly at me, and for a moment a got a glimpse of the help I so strongly refused before.
"This episode could have been triggered by the accident, but it was probably something that had been building for a while." Dr. Tanner continued. "The only way to know that, is to understand what Edward had been doing for the last months; his habits are probably our missing piece. I'll need your help with that."
"We do whatever we can." Emmet stated, with a nod.
"Great," She concluded. "We will talk more after Mr. Cullen is informed."
After another round of thank you, we got up, saying our goodbyes, and walking back to Edward's room. We had a lot to discuss – how to tell him, when to tell him, what to tell him – but no one said a word on the walk back.
I dragged myself behind Emmett, drained, as if my long night of sleep never happened; I could hear Carlisle and Esme speaking softly behind me.
As we got closer to the room, I saw Rose stand from the chair she sat, with a smile.
"How was it?" She asked, a moment before being engulfed by Emmett's arms.
"Brutal." He stated simply, echoing his father words from yesterday. "What are you doing up here?"
"There is a cop downstairs, waiting to speak with one of you." She spoke. "He has some of Edward's belongings, but it can only be returned to immediate family."
"I'll go," Carlisle volunteered, heading downstairs with Emmett and Rose, and letting Esme and I in an awkward after-breakdown silence.
"I'm going to…" She started, but I interrupted her.
"Thank you," I said sincerely, looking at her. "For your words, earlier." I averted my eyes. "I really needed to hear it."
"I never blamed you, you know?" She spoke, making me shot my head up in surprise – I was absolutely sure, that she blamed me. "I'm sorry if that's what you got from me. Edward has always been a grown man with a child's heart, and I had never saw him the way he was with you; so alive, carefree, just… happy." She sighed. "From day one I was so scared that you were going to break his heart."
I understood that, my own mother shared the same fear.
"And when you two lost Goldie, everything went south so quickly... I wanted to help but I didn't know how. In the end, all I had left of was resent." Esme stared at me, shrugging. "I couldn't resent him, so… it had to be you."
For as weird as it was, I got it.
"It's ok." I whispered, nodding.
"It's not." She said, shaking her head. "But I can't take it back. I need you to know though, that I resented you for leaving him, but that I never blamed you for what happened. No one did. Especially not him.
I did not say anything; that was as much of an apology I would get from Esme and as far as it went, it was a rather good one.
When Emmett and Carlisle got back, Edward was still asleep.
We all gathered around the table on the end of the bed, as Carlisle emptied the evidence bag which contained the few things founded with Edward at the time of the accident.
There was a smashed phone, a leather wallet, a couple of bucks and a set of keys hooked on metal hoop - and a detail that made me tear up immediately: in the place of a keychain, hooked in the other end of the hoop was his wedding ring.
"What?" Emmett asked alarmed, looking between my tears and the contents on the table.
I said nothing, reaching around my neck to undo the clasp of my necklace. I placed it besides Edwards keys, reveling my own wedding band and engagement ring hooked around it.
"I guess we do think alike." I whispered, fighting the tears as I pulled his wedding band free of the hoop and together with mine on the necklace chain.
"You two always did." Carlisle patted my shoulder, smiling sadly at me. "I'm going to take his phone to get technical assistance, maybe we can recover something. The investigator thinks it's a dead end, but anything will help."
"He also gave me this," Emm retrieved a piece of paper from his pocket, with a phone number and a name written on it: Jasper Whitlock.
"Apparently, Jasper works with Edward, and his father a cop. After Edward didn't show up to work this week and didn't return his calls, he got worried and asked his dad to look around." Emmet continued. "They got a hold of Edward's accident report and contacted the assigned detective, but they left up to us to contact him. I think that maybe Jasper can lead us to some answers."
We all agreed.
"I would like to go home, if Bella's staying." Esme spoke softly.
"I am," smiled, noticing that it was first time that she called by my nickname since she arrived.
"I'll give you a ride, darling." Carlisle said, unwrapping his jacket from the chair. "I am just a call away, ok?" He regarded me.
"Ok." I nodded back. "Carlisle…" I stalled. "When are we going to tell Edward?"
Carlisle looked from Emmett to me, but before he could answer me, he was interrupted by Edward's sleepy voice.
"Tell me what?"