What is that one thing that they can't take away from you?
Your freedom? No, they took it. Your body? No, they own it. Or is it your sanity? I don't even know if it's real.
Someone would say it's fear... That they can't get you afraid of them. Even though I was build piece by piece to be indestructible, I was scared too many times.
My guess is that it's hope. Maybe it's too poetic, but my last property is plain human emotion, something I always avoided.
I caught sight of first star trough small window in my cell. It became a routine that with first light on the sky I scratched a small line on the wall. Wall full of small proofs that time is not waiting. Sometimes it feels like years, sometimes it is just a second.
But I don't want to count them. It would be too real, all those days and nights. All those moments when everything was blury and painful and there were only two things left in my mind: I missed my old life and everybody in it and the second was hope. Hope that I will see them again.
Will I?
I have to tell them everything I couldn't before. I have to see them... just see them for one last time. And I will. That's the last fucking thing they won't steal from me.
I have their faces in front of me all the time, but I see them fading. I see them slowly disappearing and it scares me to death. Are they really getting into my mind? Is this really my life and my reality now?
When I decided to join the Navy very long time ago, I wanted to make myself stronger, to give my life a direction. They teached me, I learned. I gave everything I had to be better everyday. To protect what I love. And I succeeded. At least I thought.
Now I am trapped here. Alone. They all left for good. Not willingly and they can't come back. They are gone. Everyone is gone. My family, friends... all the loved ones. The people I cared about.
My father. They murdered him in cold blood because of mistakes my mother did. Yeah.. my mother... she died too. Not for real, but it felt alike. She chose to raise a man who caused so much pain before staying with her family. Do I feel betrayed? I don't know.
Joe. No one can tell how I miss him. And he died because of me. And I will never get the chance to tell him that I'm so sorry.
I truly loved only once in my life. But she was too wild to be kept in a cage. Too pure to touch my hand. I let her go to protect her. To keep her the way she was.
And when it seemed that only person who can take that weight with me is not going anywhere, I killed him. He stayed there and I ran. And it felt so wrong. It still does.
Than I found Danny. He understood me. He was the real brother I've never had. And I took his mind from him. I let him suffer. And now... now he is gone.
I am all alone. In this dark place. Trapped.
Is there even somebody who I could return to? Is there even a reason that feeds my hope?
They are all gone.
Only the bad ones left.
When they come back to me, when they open the door, tighten my shackles and look into my face with intention to break me, I will let them.