Hey everyone. First of all, if y'all want me to update, being rude and demanding it isn't the way to ask. Please just be patient and let me do it when I have time. I have a life too. And even if it's going slowly I'm not abandoning this story, I just had a bit of writer's block. Thank you to the people who are being kind and supportive in the comments. Here's the next chapter.
Draco awoke with a gasp, jolting upright in his bed. His heart was racing and he was taking rapid breaths. He looked around wildly to see that he was in the hospital room, and not in the dungeon of his house. He relaxed slightly, but he could still feel himself trembling. Even now, Draco avoided the dungeons as much as possible. They were definitely his least favorite place in his entire house.
He hadn't had a nightmare this bad since putting the memories in the pensieve, but he should've expected them to become worse now that his memories were as clear as if the war had been last year, and not more than 20 years ago.
He took a deep breath, shivering even though his clothes were soaked in sweat. He was a pathetic mess. He didn't even remember falling asleep after Scorpius and Harry had left.
The door slowly creaked open, and he jumped at the noise. Merlin, he hadn't been this jumpy for a long time.
"Dad?" Scorpius was looking at him worriedly, and Draco forced a smile, although he knew it must looked strained.
"Are you ok? I heard you scream," Scorpius asked hesitantly. Draco sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't remember screaming, but his nightmare had been horrible.
"I'm fine," Draco said firmly. He wished it was true.
Scorpius nodded slowly, although he still looked worried. Draco didn't know how to feel about that. He was the parent, and he should be the strong one. Not his son. Draco should be asking Scorpius if he was alright, instead of the opposite way around.
"How long was I asleep?" Draco asked. Scorpius looked nervous for some reason. "I think around two hours," he said. He still looked worried, and Draco sighed.
"Scorpius, you don't have to worry about me," Draco said quietly. Scorpius looked away from him, still looking nervous. Was Scorpius… afraid of him? He couldn't stand seeing his son look like that around him. It reminded him too much of himself whenever his father was around.
Draco felt the guilt build up in him again, because this was all his fault. He had hurt his son, which had probably ruined their relationship forever.
"I'm sorry, Dad," Scorpius said suddenly, and Draco frowned at him. Why was he sorry? This was all Draco's fault.
"Don't be sorry" Draco asked, puzzled. Scorpius looked surprised. Had he thought that Draco blamed him for everything?
"It's-it's all my fault, Dad. I went into your room without your permission, I saw the pensieve, I made you come in to get me and…," he trailed off, and Draco winced inwardly when he saw that Scorpius was trying to hold back tears.
"Scorpius, none of this is your fault," Draco said, trying to sound reassuring. Was this when they were supposed to hug? He had never been good at comforting people. It always made him uncomfortable.
Astoria had always been the affectionate parent, the one who Scorpius went to when he was sad. Although his son had never said it, Draco knew that he had loved Astoria more than him. But he understood that, more than anyone would ever know.
Draco wished that he had died instead of her, that he had the stupid blood malediction instead of her. Then Scorpius would have a better parent, and she would be able to live a full life, the life she deserved. Why was death so unfair? It took the people who deserved to live and left the people who should've died.
Now he could feel himself holding back tears, and he tried not to think of Astoria.
Draco's eyes widened when Scorpius ran forward and hugged him, squeezing tightly. He stiffened instinctively and tried his hardest to not accidentally push Scorpius off him.
"I love you, Dad. I'm so sorry," Scorpius sobbed, and Draco's heart broke a little. He slowly wrapped his arms around his son.
Scorpius was sobbing heavily now, and Draco bit his lip to stop his own sobs from coming out, although he felt the familiar burning sensation in his eyes. He had to stay strong for Scorpius, like he had tried to at Astoria's funeral.
"It's ok, Scorpius. I'm sorry too," Draco muttered quietly, holding his son tightly in his arms. He couldn't stand to see his normally cheerful son look so devastated.
When Scorpius's sobs died down, he was still clutching Draco's robes, which were soaked with tears. He was so glad that Scorpius had stopped crying, because he was starting to feel uncomfortable.
"Are you… alright now?" Draco asked carefully. Scorpius nodded, although he was still sniffling.
"I'm fine now," Scorpius said. He looked up at Draco, and Draco saw worry in his eyes. "But tell me the truth, Dad. Are you ok?" Scorpius asked.
Draco wondered how he could be the father of such a kind, selfless boy. Especially considering how horrible he had been as a child. He felt tears well up in his eyes again and quickly turned away from Scorpius.
"Don't worry about me. I'm fine," Draco repeated firmly, struggling to keep his face expressionless. He couldn't afford to break now. Scorpius watched him silently, and Draco knew that he didn't believe him.
"You know that it's ok to cry, right Dad?" Scorpius said softly. Draco knew that wasn't true. Crying was a weakness. He blinked to try and stop the rapidly forming tears from falling, but it was useless.
For the first time in longer than he could remember, he allowed himself to cry, crushing Scorpius in his arms so fiercely that he wondered how the boy could still breath. He held Scorpius like he was his lifeline, because he was. This boy was all he had left, and Draco would be unable to live if anything happened to him. Which was why he had tried to kill himself. He had hurt his son, and when Scorpius had run away, Draco had thought he had lost the most important thing in his life. Sure, he had his parents, but they, at least his father, didn't seem to care about him nearly as much as he cared about them. And that hurt him as well.
Scorpius looked surprised, and Draco realized that his son hadn't actually expected him to cry. He felt ashamed as he felt the tears drip down his cheeks. He was weak, and he shouldn't be breaking down like this, especially in front of his son. But he couldn't stop crying now that he had started. All his grief poured out of him, and he felt Scorpius hug him back just as tightly.
"It's ok, Dad," Scorpius muttered softly, patting his back gently. Draco closed his eyes and took a long, shuddering breath as he tried to get his emotions back under control. He was so, so tired of being weak. Of being afraid.
He wiped his tears away and and avoided his son's worried gaze.
There was a long period of silence, and Draco appreciated that Scorpius wasn't saying anything. He couldn't handle the embarrassment.
"That's good," Scorpius said suddenly. Draco looked at him, startled.
"What?" Draco asked.
"It's good that you cried, Dad. It's not good to hold in your emotions for so long," Scorpius said wisely.
Draco smiled tiredly.
"When did you get so clever, Scorpius? It seems like only yesterday that you were a toddler learning how to walk." Thinking about his good memories, which mostly consisted of Scorpius and Astoria, helped him forget his troubles at least for now.
Scorpius grinned. "I'm 15 now, almost 16!" he laughed. "I'm not a baby anymore!"
Draco felt his smile fade away. His son was growing up too fast. Soon, he would graduate from Hogwarts, and Draco knew how much his son hated the manor. He would most definitely move out, leaving Draco all alone once again. He wouldn't be able to stand it.
There was an awkward silence again, and Draco didn't know what to say. He and his son had never been especially close, however much Draco wanted them to be, and Astoria's death had only driven then farther apart. They had never talked about personal, serious topics like these before. Part of the reason might've been that Scorpius didn't know how important he was to Draco, how much Draco cared about him. Why else would his son have agreed to run away with Potter's son, without even considering how worried his father would be? But he hoped he was wrong, because he wanted his son to know how much he loved him.
"Son, you know that I love you right?" Draco asked uncomfortably. He had never really been the type of person to express his emotions openly.
His heart dropped when he saw the shocked look on his son's face.
"Uhh, I guess? I mean, yes," Scorpius sounded flustered, and Draco felt a pang in his chest. Had his son really not known that? It was his fault. He couldn't remember the last time he had said that to Scorpius.
"I love you," Draco repeated quietly, and this time Scorpius beamed at him.
"I love you too!" he smiled. But Draco couldn't smile back. He had thought that he showed enough love to Scorpius, that he had made Scorpius feel loved in the way he never had. He had never outright told Scorpius that, though. Maybe that was the reason?
"Did you really believe that I didn't love you?" Draco asked, dreading the answer. Scorpius frowned and looked down.
"I guess I knew that you loved me, but…" He sighed, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. The same way Draco did when he was nervous.
"But what?" Draco asked patiently. He wanted his son to be completely honest with him.
"I don't know, I just felt like I was a disappointment to you. Because I'm a follower, not a leader, and I know that you tried to teach me to be a leader. And because I'm shy and clumsy, and definitely not as popular and confident as you were in school." He looked up at Draco nervously.
Draco's heart ached. He had never known that Scorpius felt this way.
"Scorpius, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I…" Draco trailed off.
He didn't know what to say. He felt horrible. He had done the one thing he had vowed never to do; he had made his son feel unloved. Had he really been that bad of a father? Sure, he had never been the most affectionate parent, and he was a strict father. He remembered lecturing his son on many occasions. But he had believed himself to be better than his own father. Was he really?
Scorpius was still watching him expectantly, and Draco sighed in frustration. Why was it so hard for him to talk to his own son? Why couldn't he just be a better parent, like Astoria had been?
"That's not true, Scorpius," Draco sighed. He rubbed his temples, feeling a migraine coming.
"I never thought you were a disappointment. I'm sorry that you ever felt like I did," he said quietly. "I will always love you just the way you are."
Draco wished with all of his heart that his own father would say this to him one day. It had been the one thing he had wanted to hear the most as a child. He wanted his father to say that he loved him. That was a hole in his heart that would never be filled.
Scorpius looked so happy now that Draco had to smile, although he knew it didn't reach his eyes.
"You're the greatest dad I could ever have," Scorpius said, and those few words made Draco's heart warm. He forgot about his troubles and smiled so widely that his cheeks ached. He couldn't remember being this happy in a long time. Even if it would take time to repair his relationship with his son, Draco was determined to do it.