The weeks drag by slowly, waiting for the results of my biopsy is nerve-wracking, but I'm doing everything I can to reassure moms that I'm okay, I have to hold it together. I make sure they spend as much time away from the hospital as possible, they still have three other kids to take care of. Brandon and Callie have been around as much as they can, but they have a lot of school work and they're in the first year of college, I don't want them missing out because of me. Moms don't like leaving me alone at the hospital, but it's been almost two weeks since they were both at home the same time, so I tell them I could do with some time alone. It's a lie, I mean I want them to be at home, in their own beds instead of the lumpy hospital cots they've been sleeping on, but I hate being alone here, still, if it means they get to have a break then I can suck it up. So tonight, I'm staying here on my own, all I do is sleep anyway, and if I need anything, I have a call button next to my bed that alerts the nurse's station.
I've been thinking about Taylor a lot, Jude says he's been over to her house most nights, she's barely stopped crying.
"I love you," I remember her saying that to me, I play it over and over in my head. I hate that I hurt her but letting her stay by my side through this would only hurt her more. It's what's best for everyone in the long run. I miss her. She's been calling and texting me, asking for answers, an explanation. I don't know what else I can say.
All that doesn't matter anymore, it's kid stuff. Tomorrow, I'll get my biopsy results, then maybe a diagnosis and then I can start whatever treatment they give me, and if whatever this is doesn't kill me, maybe Taylor and I can get back together. But for now, I need to focus on getting healthy.
"Are you alright sweetie?" Nurse Holly comes into my room to check my vitals, she does it every hour, "You look like you've been crying," She checks my temperature.
"I'm fine, just a little home sick," I try to smile.
"Not long until you get your results, then hopefully you can get home," She's been so kind to me, "You miss your family huh?" She asks.
"Yeah, I mean they've been here a lot but I feel like I'm taking up so much of their time and energy, I've tried to tell them that I'll be okay and that they don't have to be here 24/7," I always find myself chatting away to her.
"Kiddo, they're your family, they're gonna be here whether you want them or not," She starts to redress my wound from the biopsy, "You're pretty much healed, that's a good sign," She smiles, "You let me know if you need anything," She pulls my blanket back up and leaves my room.
I know she's right; I know my family care about me and they're gonna take care of me no matter what I say, but I can help but feel guilty.
When I open my eyes the next morning, I instantly feel sick, I have to throw my head over the side of the bed, so I don't get it everywhere, I tried to aim for the trash, but my aim isn't so good. When I look up, my moms are with me. I look over to the clock, it's almost midday.
"Hey love, you were asleep for a long time," Mom wipes my mouth and helps me get comfortable again while mama cleans up my mess, "Probably the longest lie in you've had the past couple of weeks," I've been sleeping a lot, but I can never stay sleeping for more than few hours, this time I slept for nearly twelve hours.
"Has the doctor come by yet?" I ask them.
"She said she'd be here around now, don't worry love, we'll be right here with you," Mama gets in bed next to me and wraps her arms around me, they can both see in my face how nervous I am. No matter what the results say, I can't break down, I can't lose it, my moms need me to be okay. I hear a light knocking on the door, I look up and Dr Simons is standing there.
"Morning," She sits down, "The results came in this morning," My heart is racing and my palms are sweating, "I'm afraid it's not good news," I can hear both of my moms breathing become shaky, mama's got tears in her eyes, "Gracie," I take a deep breath, "You have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma,"
"But that's- no that's impossible she's just a kid," Mom says.
"What is that?" I ask, Mama starts to sob.
"It's cancer," Dr Simons says, "I'm so sorry," She hands mama a tissue. I just look at her. Cancer? I knew it would be something bad, but I didn't think it would be cancer, "But it's a good thing we've caught it this early, we can treat it, your prognosis is good Gracie,"
"Are you okay love?" Mom looks at me, "Can we have a minute please?" Dr Simons leaves, closing the door behind her, "Listen, Gracie, I know this is scary, okay? Look at me," She puts her hands on my face and lifts my head, "I'm scared too, but you're gonna fight this, we're gonna fight this,"
"This isn't the end, you're gonna be fine," Mama dries her tears.
"Yeah," I say, I'm in shock, "I'll be fine," I nod to them. I have to be fine. I feel blood start to drip out of my nose again, they rush to help me, all I can do is sit here, staring at the wall. This is what it's gonna be like for the next- God knows how long. I'm the sick girl now. I was the foster girl, the depressed girl, now I'm the sick girl. Why can't I be the happy girl? The healthy girl?
Once the bleeding stops, I lay back in my bed. Both of my mothers crawl into bed next to me and curl up. Mama's still crying but she's trying to do it quietly. I want so badly to give in and cry, to give up and let this sickness swallow me whole. But I can't, I have to put myself through all of this to make them smile again. If anyone can do that, it's me.