After lying in the hospital bed with moms for a little while, Dr Simons came back in with another doctor, Dr Chandra. He's my oncologist now, it's a big word for cancer doctor. He said he wants me to start treatment right away, so tomorrow I'll have my first round of chemotherapy. Which I am not looking forward to. On the bright side, he said I can stay at home throughout the treatment, but I have to come back to the hospital if I have a fever or show any signs of infection. And of course, I have to come into the hospital to have the chemo, but I'll take what I can get.
I still feel really weak, so mom has to help me up the stairs and into bed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I've gotten really skinny. I'm just glad I can be in my room again.
"Can I get you anything?" Mom asks.
"I'm fine, really, I'm tired I think I'm just gonna go to sleep," It's only 7 pm but I'm exhausted.
"Okay, love, just call one of us if you anything at all," She puts my phone on my nightstand, "Love you," She gives me a kiss on the cheek.
"Love you too, mom," She switches the light off and leaves the door open a little bit so there's a slim stream of light coming in from the landing. I know it's been a while since everything happened, but I still can't sleep in the dark.
I wasn't lying when I said I was exhausted, but I can't seem to switch my brain off so I can get some sleep, I just keep thinking of Taylor and what she must be feeling. Jude promised he wouldn't tell her about the diagnosis. It's not that I want to keep it a secret from her, I just think maybe she needs some more time. I don't know. I keep trying to justify what I did to her, the lies and the break-up. The fact of the matter is; I know what I did was wrong, but I had no choice, I wanted to let her down easy. There was no other way.
"Gracie?" Jude pokes his head in through the slightly open door, I switch my lamp on, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," He comes and sits on my bed.
"You didn't, I can't sleep,"
"This sucks," He looks down at his hands, "Why does it always have to be you that gets the short straw, it's not fair," I take his hand.
"I know, but I'll be fine, I'm gonna fight this stupid disease until it's dead, I won't let it win," He looks up and smiles at me, "How is she?" I ask.
"Not great, she really misses you, Gracie," My heart feels heavy in my chest, "You should tell her, she's gonna find out eventually,"
"I can't tell her yet, she'll coming running over here and try to take care of me and tell me how much she loves me, and I can't deal with it!" I realise I raised my voice, "Sorry," A tear streams down my cheek, then another, and another until I'm in a puddle of tears.
"Is that what this is about?" He asks, "Her saying she loves you?"
"It's not just that," I look him in the eye, and I remember that this is Jude I'm talking to, my brother, I trust him and I feel safe with him, "Okay, it's mostly that, it's just the last person who said that to me like that-"
"Rachel…" He says, "And you said it back," He takes the words right out of my mouth," He wraps his arms around me and wipes away my tears with his sleeve, "You and Taylor are nothing like that, you know that right?"
"Hey what's up?" Mama comes into my room, "I was just coming to check on you,"
"Talk to her Gracie," Jude gets up and mama takes his place next to me. She looks at me with her big brown eyes.
"Is this about the diagnosis? It's okay to cry Gracie," She hugs me.
"It's not that, it's Taylor," I can't keep it to myself anymore it's driving me crazy, "I broke up with her because she was treating me like a patient instead of a girlfriend and then- then said she loves me," I look at her, she seems confused, "And it scared me, it freaked me out because it just brought me back to everything that happened with Rachel," Saying her name sends shivers down my spine, "I know it won't be like that, but I just couldn't face it,"
"Oh, sweetie," She squeezes me, "That must be hard,"
"The thing is, I think, no- I know… That I love her back, but I don't want to put her through all of this, it's a bad enough that it's going to take a toll on you and mom, and all the others," I take a deep breath.
"Okay, listen, you trust Taylor, right?" She asks.
"With my life," I admit.
"Then just talk to her about it, she'll understand where you're coming from," She reassures me, "If she loves you like she says she does, she'll do her best to change and try to treat you like a girlfriend again, and as for me and mom, and your siblings, we'll get through it, you don't have to worry about us,"
"I know, and I know she Taylor would understand and everything, but I'm just scared,"
"Oh, of course you are," Mama laughs a little, "That's what love feels like sometimes, imagine how she's feeling, she knows you're sick and you didn't even want to see her," She's right, Taylor must feel heartbroken if she loves me that much. I need to talk to her, "Why didn't you come to me or mom and talk about this with us?" She asks.
"I don't know, I guess I was just being stupid," I lie, I didn't come to them because they already have so much to worry about, now that I'm officially a cancer patient.
"Next time, talk to us, we're here for you whatever you need,"
"I love you, mama," I hug her tight as she strokes my hair.
"Love you too, little one," She tucks me back into bed like I'm a little kid, "Try to get some sleep, early start tomorrow," She switches my lamp off and leaves. Back to being alone with my thoughts.
Usually, in this old house, you can hear everything that's going on, it's barely 8 o'clock so everyone's downstairs having dinner, but I can't hear a sound. I guess no one knows what to say. They all looked at me so weirdly when moms told them about my cancer, they all cried, except for Jesus who was trying to maintain his masculinity. I reassured them all that I'm not giving up and I'm gonna fight this thing, I guess they're all just in shock now.
After about an hour of me staring at the ceiling I decide to call Taylor, I can't leave her hanging any longer.
"Gracie? Are you okay?" She asks.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, listen, can you come over? I wanna talk," I ask.
"Yeah, sure I- I'm on my way," She hangs up. Moms probably won't like that I invited her over this late but at least it's not a school night, not that I'll be going.
I sit up in my bed, turn the light back on and reach for my hairbrush. I know she said I'm always beautiful to her, but it can't hurt to clean myself up a little. I brush my hair straight and manage to get to the bathroom by myself so I can brush my teeth too, just in case. It's not long before I hear the knocking on the door and then footsteps leading up the stairs, then she appears in the doorway.
"Gracie," She looks a little scared when she sees me, "I- I've missed you,"
"Come sit down," I pat the space next to me on my bed, "I'm so so sorry for what I did at the hospital,"
"It's okay, I-" I cut her off.
"Please just, let me talk for a second, I shouldn't have just ended things like that, it wasn't fair to you, I just, I got a little uncomfortable when you were taking care of me, it made me feel like I was your patient and I don't know, I just don't like it, but it really freaked me out when you said…" I pause.
"When I said what?"
"You said that you love me," I look into her eyes and forget why I ever wanted to keep her away from me, "I guess it was a trigger or something, it made me think of some of the stuff that went down last year, but I've gotten through all that now, and I think I can see more clearly, but did you mean it? You love me?" I take a moment to breathe.
"Of course I meant it, Gracie, I really do love you," Hearing her say it this time doesn't scare me or freak me out, it makes me happy.
"I really do love you too," I start crying again, "I'm sorry for pushing you away, I know now that I can talk to you, I know I'm safe with you," Her face breaks out into a beaming smile, and mine mimics. She puts her arms around me and embraces me in a kiss. It feels so perfect and familiar. I suddenly remember I still have to tell her about my cancer, "Wait," I pull away, "There's something else," Both of our smiles fade, "I had a biopsy while I was in the hospital because they found swollen lymph nodes all over me, and uh- um, they found out I have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma," Her eyes fill with tears, "It's a type of-"
"Cancer," I forgot how smart she was, of course she knows that.
"But I'm fine, I mean I'm really sick but I'm gonna be fine, I promise," I kiss her again, but she's in shock, just like I was.
"Cancer, wow,"
"I know, it's a lot, and if this changes things and you don't want to be with me now, I completely understand,"
"What? Of course, I wanna be with you," She kisses me again.
"I love you," I start crying harder, "I don't know why I'm so emotional," She giggles at me, which instantly causes me to start laughing too, I can't help it, her smile is contagious.