I woke up at 6 am, I'm still so exhausted but I can't get back to sleep, I was up most of the night puking, I made Callie and Mariana promise not to wake moms, so they had to deal with me, they're both fast asleep still. I can't stop thinking about later, Sophia's going to know something's wrong as soon as she sees how sick I look; my eyes have huge grey circles under them, I'm as pale as a ghost, and I'm so skinny that none of my pants fit me anymore. Not that it matters, I'm always in pyjamas now anyway. This is just the way my life is now. Sophia's probably going to cry, she'll ask what she can do to help and I won't be able to give her the answer she wants, the truth is no one can help, not really. I have cancer. Pretty soon, Mariana's alarm for school is going off.
"Morning," She says as she traipses past me into the bathroom. I feel so bad; she can't have gotten more than four hours of sleep last night and she has to go to school.
"Hey," I look over and see that Callie's awake, "What are you doing up?" She asks.
"Couldn't sleep," I respond monotonously. Mariana comes back in and pulls the curtains open, the brightness from outside makes my head spin.
"Do you need anything?" Callie asks as she sits up and ties her hair into a ponytail.
"No," I pull the comforter up over my head to block out the sun.
I hear Callie and Marianas muffled voices talking about me. I know they're scared; I am too. I would give anything for all of this to stop, for my family to stop worrying. I hate that I'm the reason they're all sad.
"Gracie," Callie gently pulls my comforter down and makes me look at her, "Talk to me," She looks even more worried than moms have been lately. Mariana looks at me strangely and then walks out of our room to go down for breakfast.
"I'm fine, just tired," I hide my face again, but she stands up and pulls the comforter all the way off me, "What the hell, Callie?" I roll over to face the wall and curl up.
"No," She tugs on my arm, "Talk to me,"
"Fine!" I sit up, "Just, please give me comforter back," She sits down on my bed and hands it back to me, "I'm just fed up… of being sick," She holds my hand, "I feel like I'm just here to make all of your lives miserable and I'm sick of it, I just want it all to stop," I hug my knees.
"Don't get mad but, do you think maybe you're getting bad again?" I can't believe she would ask me that.
"No, oh my God I can't have one bad day?"
"You're right, sorry, I just wanted to be sure," She looks down at the floor, "I just couldn't handle it if something happened because you were bottling up your feelings,"
"I know, I'm sorry too, I promise if I feel… like that again, I'll tell you, or moms or someone, it won't come to that," I sit next to her and hug her, "Thank you for caring, for checking up on me, I guess I just feel like a burden,"
"You're not," She smiles, "So, are you nervous? About telling Sophia?"
"Nervous is an understatement, I was hoping I could sleep all morning but-" I have to stop talking because I start to gag, Callie grabs the bucket just in time, "Sorry, um, yeah I'm scared," I get up to brush my teeth, I wobble for a second but after a few seconds I catch my balance. Callie follows me into the bathroom.
"I'll be there the whole time, and if you can't do it, I'll tell her, okay? We're in this together," She hugs me.
Mama and Callie sit with me at the kitchen table long after they've finished eating breakfast and the other kids have gone to school, just to make sure I at least eat a few mouthfuls of cereal. I manage a good few before I feel like I'm gonna puke again, but I keep it down. Mom's gone to work, and Brandon's gone back to college, so it's just the three of us until Sophia arrives. Despite feeling sick, I don't feel as bad as I have felt the past couple of days, so I help mama with lunch, I wanted to make something especially American for Sophia, I'm pretty sure all she's been eating in Italy is pasta and pizza so, we're making veggie burgers and fries. Well, mama does all the real cooking, but Callie and I sit at the table and chop all of the vegetables.
"So, she doesn't know anything?" Mama asks.
"Well, she knows I was sick a couple of weeks ago and she knows I passed out, but she thinks it's just the flu or something, we haven't really talked all that much,"
"You didn't tell her anything, Callie?"
"No, Gracie asked me not too, I just tried to avoid the subject as much as possible," She says, "I told Robert and Gill though,"
"Callie!" I yell.
"Hey, calm down Gracie," Mama looks at me sternly, "I'm sure she meant well,"
"What if they told her? I wanted her to hear it from me!"
"I told them not too, don't worry Gracie," Callie reaches across the table to hold my hand, "It's going to be fine, I promise," I start to cry a little.
"Sorry," I wipe my tears away, "God, I just don't want to upset her," Mama comes and sits next to me, she lets me lean into her.
"Sophia's a big girl, she can handle it, of course she'll be upset at first but she's your best friend and she'll be there for you no matter what," She kisses my head, "Callie and I will be here the whole time," The doorbell rings, Callie looks at me.
"I'll get it," Moments later Callie and Sophia are walking into the kitchen.
"G!" She comes running over to me and hugs me, "I've missed you so much,"
"I've missed you too," I try to sound like I haven't just been crying, "You're so tanned," I laugh.
"Are you crying? Come on it was only two months," She says, I look at Callie, and then mama, "What?"
"Sophia," She sits down next to me, "I have to tell you something," She looks at me, at my body.
"You've gotten so thin," She picks up my stick-like arm, "Are you still sick?"
"You should listen, Sophia," Callie says.
"Okay… what is it?" She sounds scared now.
"Um, so you know that I was sick, and I passed out," My voice shakes, I can barely look her in the eye.
"Yeah?"
"Well, I went to the hospital and I had all these tests and a biopsy," I take a breath, "Um," I start to cry harder.
"You want me to…?" Callie cuts in. I nod, "Uh, Gracie had Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, it's a type of cancer," Sophia just looks at me, we sit in silence for a minute, then she gets up and hugs me, she bursts into tears. Callie and mama leave us alone. We just stand there for a while, hugging and crying, neither of us knows what to say.
"So, you've started chemo?" Sophia and I sit in the backyard while Callie and mama tend the garden.
"Yeah, I had my first round yesterday," We're both tearful still, but we're not sobbing anymore, which is progress, I guess.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't here,"
"Don't be stupid, you were in Italy, and I've got plenty of people here for me too," I reassure her.
"How did Taylor take it?" She asks.
"Well, I didn't tell her at first, we kind of broke up for a little bit, but we're back together now and better than ever, she's been amazing though," I smile at the thought of her.
"Damn, I guess I missed a lot," She giggles, "But seriously, are you okay?" She takes my hands.
"Yeah, I mean I feel gross and everything but I'm just happy I'm getting treatment and then hopefully everything will go back to normal, everything was going so well," I miss being normal.
"And it'll be great again, especially now that I'm here," She hugs me again, but I have to push her away and run inside to the bathroom, she follows me and stands there in shock as I puke my guts up, "Gracie," She looks at me. I sit back against the tiled wall.
"Sorry you had to see that," I wipe my mouth with some toilet paper and flush it all away.
"Is it always this bad?" She sits next to me, I nod. She stays with me, even though she hates puke, and I don't mean a normal hate, like she is terrified of it, so it really means a lot that she's sitting here putting herself through this all for me.
"Can you help me up?" I ask after a little while. She pulls me up off of the floor and takes me all the way back upstairs, I pretty much collapse on my bed. She sits down next to me. I hear making these little whimpering sounds and look up at her to see that she's crying again, "Hey, S," I pull her closer to me, "I'm fine, okay?" I stroke her hair, "I'm gonna get better and then the only time you'll have to help me to bed will be at our 21st birthday party when I get too drunk," I manage to get a laugh out of her.
"We have to wait until we're 21?" She wipes her tears away.
"Remember what happened last time we drank?" I say, remembering the nightmare events at Taylor's house.
"Yeah, I got high and had a panic attack while you were upstairs having sex," She laughs.
"I didn't have sex!" I whisper, on the off chance that mama can hear us from downstairs.
"You didn't?" She's genuinely confused.
"No! I would tell you if I did," I hit her playfully, "All this time you thought Taylor and I were…?"
"Well yeah, I just kind of figured,"
"Well, we didn't, and we're not," I admit.
"Seriously?" She's surprised.
"Seriously! I can't believe you thought I wouldn't have told you, I mean, you'd tell me, right?" For a split second, I question whether or not she would.
"Obviously! I'd be over here so fast to tell you and Callie all about it," She's smiling again, "That's what best friends do,"
"Hey, I thought we were sisters?"
"Well duh," She nudges me, "So you and Taylor really aren't-"
"No! Give it a rest," I throw my pillow at her.
"Okay, okay, sorry," We laugh, and then mama comes in.
"Hey, you two alright in here?" She asks, "I saw you run inside,"
"I took care of her," Sophia smiles and puts her arm around me, "That's what sisters are for," She hugs me, I squeeze her back, "G, your nose," I put a hand up to my face and it comes away covered in blood, I look at Sophia, there's blood on her shoulder, I can feel it running down my face, mama runs into the bathroom and comes back with a towel.
"Lie back," She says as she gently pushes me backwards, she props a pillow under my neck to keep my head tilted, Sophia is just standing there in shock, "It's not stopping," Mama says, she pulls the towel away from my face and it's almost completely covered with thick, red blood.