The days drag by so slowly. All-day every day I sit in my new room at the hospital, mama's always here with me, I've told her over and over again that I'll be fine if she goes back to work, but she ignores me. I have my chemo done in my room, I sleep, I eat what I can, but mostly I just lie here in bed. My hair has been coming out in clumps, all I have left are a few wispy strands that rest on my shoulders, I wear Callie's hat all the time. I've been trying not to work myself up because I know if I have a panic attack the pain in my chest will just get worse. Somehow, the pain is getting worse anyway, but not where my wound from the chest tube is, it's sort of everywhere.
"Mama," I say, "I kind of feel like I have a cold coming on," This worries her instantly.
"You do feel kind of warm," She touches my head, "How's your throat? Is your nose blocked?"
"My throat hurts all the time from the puking but it feels worse than normal, and I feel like my nostrils are plugged," Normally I wouldn't say anything, but I really don't feel right and I know that if I have any kind of infection it could be really dangerous for me.
"I'll get the nurse," She bolts out of the room so fast you'd think there was a fire, instantly I feel bad for making her panic when it's probably nothing at all.
"I think it's just from the chemo mama," I say when she and Holly come back in.
"Could it be an infection?" She ignores me and talks to Holly.
"There's nothing to worry about yet," She puts a thermometer in my ear, "Are you hot?" She asks.
"A little, I guess," The thermometer beeps.
"Your temperature is a little higher than I'd like but it's not worth stressing over, I'll keep checking it and if it gets any higher I'll do some blood tests and call Doctor Simons, just try to relax and I'll turn the AC up a little," I nod and Holly leaves, but mama still looks nervous.
"It's fine mama, I don't think it's that bad," I hold her hand. I'm just as worried as she is but I need to be strong for her.
"I know, I'm gonna go call your mom and let her know what's going on," I can see that she's fighting back tears as she goes out into the hallway. I hate that I'm causing all this pain again.
"Mama," I open my eyes and see that I'm alone in my room.
"Gracie? Are you okay?" Mike appears in the doorway, "You need me to get the nurse?"
"No, I'm fine, where are my moms?" I ask him.
"They had to go and deal with something, so I offered to come and stay with you for a little bit,"
"Why what's happened?" I sit up.
"I don't want you to freak out," Mike sits down at the end of my bed, "But he's been arrested,"
"Arrested?" I fight against the pain in my entire body to get out of bed, "I need to see him,"
"You're not going anywhere," Mike gently pushes me back down, I'm too weak to fight him off, "He's fine, I promise, your moms are with him at the station,"
"Let me go!" I scream at him, alarming him just enough so that he takes a few steps away from me, "It's my fault, I have to go," I scramble to feet, rip the cannula out of my chest and throw my breathing tube down. Every step is agony, and as I find myself sinking to the floor, I feel Mikes arms wrapping around me, and then I'm surrounded by nurses and doctors and then it's just dark.
I wake up on my bedroom floor, and the corner where my bed usually sits is bare, in fact, every trace that I was ever in this room has vanished, all my photos with my family, all the second-hand makeup that Mariana gave me, all gone. Walking downstairs I can hear my mom talking in the kitchen, I step lightly, as though the floor might crumble underneath me. My family are all sat around the table, mom's reading something, she has tears in her eyes. I look to Jude, he's crying too, Mariana has her head rested on Brandon's shoulder, he's fighting tears back as well. Callie sits there with a blank face, unsure of where to look. Mama's stood up at the sink, staring out of the window, and Jesus is nowhere to be seen.
"What's going on?" I ask, but no one bats an eye at me.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't get out in time to be there today," Mom reads, "I miss you all so much and I hate that I let Gracie down like this, I hope she knows that. I love you, Jesus," She wipes her nose. I realise everyone is dressed in blue, my favourite colour, and I'm taken back to when my birth brother died, and I told my sisters that I want everyone to wear blue at my funeral. That's what this is, I'm standing in my kitchen watching my family mourn for me. I'm dead. And Jesus, he's in jail.
"Wait, stop," I walk over to my moms, they still can't see me, "I'm right here!" I scream at them. I turn to my siblings but suddenly it's nothing but darkness, and I'm lying down. I try to reach out in front of me, but the back of my hand grazes a soft, cold wall. The air is thin. I'm underground. I'm in a coffin. I really am dead.
I wake up from my nightmare. Mama and Mike are talking.
"I don't know, she just lost it when I told her where you guys were, she kept saying it was her fault," I stare over at them, they don't know I'm awake.
"Her fault? What was her fault?" Mama asks.
"Jesus," I speak up.
"Gracie," Mama grabs my hand, and Mike backs out of the room, closing the door behind him, "What happened? Holly said you had some kind of…episode?" I've been trying so hard to get better and now everyone's going to think I'm going crazy again.
"What did Jesus do?" I ask her.
"Oh, forget about that, you need to focus on you," I just look at her, she sighs, "He was caught breaking into a house and trying to steal some money,"
"Mama," I cry, "Where is he? Can I see him?" I have no energy to try and make a break for it again.
"He's still down at the station with mom,"
"Are they gonna charge him?" Is he going to juvie?" I panic "It's all my fault," I sob into my pillow,
"Honey, calm down," Mama makes me drink water and guides me through the breathing exercises that Holly gave me, "We're going to do everything we can to keep him home with us, okay? He's not going anywhere," She strokes my face, "Why do you think it's your fault?" I don't say anything, "Gracie, no more secrets, remember? Listen, if you think he did this because you're sick, then you're wrong, he made this decision himself, it was stupid and dangerous, but it's not your fault,"
She's come up with her own theory, I could go along with it, and never have to tell her that I know about the text. Or I could take this opportunity to be honest, but I don't want to get Jesus into any more trouble than he already is. I have to speak to him first.
"Hey," Holly comes into my room, "You feeling any better?" She asks as she checks my vitals.
"I feel groggy, achy, nauseous, I have a headache, I'm dizzy," Mama looks at me almost in shock at the fact I'm being so honest, "And I feel like I'm getting hotter," She checks my temperature again.
"Okay, it's getting up there, I'm going to do some blood tests,"
Since I've been an inpatient I'm not so scared of needles, it's just part of my life now. But the thought of having a fever and getting even sicker is terrifying, especially with everything going on with Jesus. As the nurse pages my doctor, takes my blood and double-checks everything, I start to feel worse and worse, I'm so breathless, I can't stop throwing up. Doctor Simons arrives, sees the state I'm in and gets a rush on the results of my bloods.
"Let me see your wound from the chest tube," She asks. I can barely move my arms, so mama rolls up my shirt for me, "Okay, something's not right,"
"What does that mean? What do we do?" Mama's voice shakes.
"I suggest you call your wife; I want to take Gracie into surgery right away,"
"Don't call mom," I pant, "She needs to stay with Jesus," A bunch more nurses come into my room and immediately start prepping me, "Mama," I squeeze her hand, "He has to be okay," I cry.
"We have to go now," Doctor Simons says.
"I love you, honey, it's going to be fine, I promise," She kisses my cheek and I'm taken away from her, fading in and out of consciousness as I'm rolled down the halls.