"Oh, thank God," I hear mama's voice, "Gracie, can you hear me?" I open my eyes, I'm not dead.

"Mama!" I cry and hug her.

"You're okay, I've got you," She's crying too, "You scared the life out of me,"

"I'm not dead," I have to say it out loud, "Oh my God, I'm not dead,"

"What do you mean, Gracie?"

"I thought I let go, I had convinced myself it was the best thing for everyone if I just- If I just died,"

"Oh baby," Mama cries harder.

"But that's not what I want," I tell her, "I don't want to die,"

"I know you don't, come here," We hug again.

"Mama, I was on the phone to Jesus, he called me, but we got cut off, it sounded like he got hurt," My stomach is in knots, "Have you heard from him is he okay?"

"So that's what set you off," She says, "He's fine, I promise, I spoke to him a couple of hours ago," I let out a sigh of relief.

"He's okay?" Mama nods, "And, what happened to me?" I ask.

"At first they thought you were having a seizure, that's why they sent me out of the room, but it was your body going into shock after your platelets got low again, and you also were having a pretty bad panic attack,"

"I should have told you how sick I felt," I say.

"Don't blame yourself, it's okay, Holly and Doctor Simons said you're doing a lot better now, they were worried they might have to stop your chemo for a while, but now it looks like we can keep going and maybe you can come home for a few nights next weekend,"

"That's- That's amazing,"

"You don't sound too happy," She sees right through me.

"Jesus, is he still in that group home?"

"He is, he's been there for a few nights now,"

"A few nights? That's how long I've been out for?"

"In and out, but he's okay, he's getting along with his roommate,"

"How long does he have to stay there for? Did the owners of the house press charges?" I try my best to stay calm and avoid another 'episode'.

"They didn't, but the judge decided to give him two weeks of community service and he has to stay in the group home for the duration of that,"

"That's not fair!"

"He broke the law, that's what happens," She seems way too nonchalant about this, "Listen, I'm going to go and tell Holly you're awake, Callie's here, I'll send her in," Mama's too afraid to leave me alone now.

"Hey," Callie hugs me, "I've missed you," I scoot over so she can sit next to me.

"I missed you too,"

"Jesus'll be fine, don't worry," She puts her arm around me.

"I have to tell mama the truth," I say, "He only did what he did because of me,"

"Gracie, it's not your fault, he made this choice,"

"No! I saw a text on mama's phone, it was from mom, it said we're running out of money to pay for my treatment," I sigh, "I told Jesus' about it and that's why he tried to rob those people,"

"Gracie, listen to me, it's not your fault," She doesn't seem fazed at all, "Jesus told moms why he did it, no one blames you,"

"He did? Look, it doesn't matter if you blame me or not, someone needs to tell the judge why he did it, he can't stay in that group home!"

"He told the judge at the hearing, and the owners of the house, that's why they didn't press charges," Callie tries to keep me calm.

"So why was he sentenced at all?"

"Because," Mama comes back in with Holly, "As I said, he broke the law, and there are always consequences for that," I sit still while Holly does all my vitals.

"I'm sorry I lied," I tell mama, "But this isn't fair, can't mom do something about this? She's a police officer she must have some power,"

"Gracie," Callie says, "She's the one that caught him,"

"What? Mom arrested him?" I can't believe it, this whole time I've been blaming myself and it was mom who did this. She's the reason he could have gone to juvie and she's the reason he's stuck in a group home doing community service.

"Mom and I talked for a long time about this," Mama sits down, "We both agreed that regardless of why he did it, he needs to face up to the consequences,"

This is bull, moms both want him in that place, they could easily get him home and just ground him but instead, they're doing this. It's ridiculous. No wonder he's not pissed at me, it's them he's angry with.

I tried to get mama to leave me alone for a few hours, but she insists on having me watched at all times, I can't even have Taylor here because she's sick and I can't risk another infection or fever. I've barely spoken to her or mom the past few days. Every time one of them leaves to get a coffee or something to eat, they send one of my brothers or sisters in here, they're all walking on eggshells around me, afraid to set me off again.

"Can you stop Jude?" I snap at my brother.

"What?"

"Running around doing things for me, I'm fine," I sigh, "You're treating me like a baby, can't you just leave me alone?"

"You know I can't," He sits down.

"I don't know why though, the doctor said I'm doing better, why can't I just get a little space for a change?" I plead with him.

"Okay," He walks over to close the door and comes back to my bedside, "Don't tell moms I told you this,"

"What is it, Jude?" I beg.

"They think you're getting bad again, you know, like before?" I knew this would happen; I can't have a few bad days without being labelled as suicidal.

"Do the others think that too? Do you?" I ask.

"I don't know, Gracie, you've been acting so different lately," He's upset.

"Yeah because I'm dying!"

"You're not dying! Don't say that," He turns away, I made him cry.

"I'm sorry, Jude, I didn't mean it," I sigh, "I just mean that I'm only acting this way because I'm sick, I promise I'm not going to hurt myself again, I swear," I hold his hand. I can't believe that, even for a split second, I wanted to leave my family. I hate seeing Jude like this.

"I know what you meant, it's okay," I need to stop getting so wound up and show them all that I'm okay, and I'm gonna get better, "You have to talk to moms, they think you're shutting them out and that's why they're so worried," He's right, I know he's right but I'm so mad at them for what they're putting Jesus through. He doesn't deserve this; I understand where they're coming from, but couldn't they just ground him or something? He's called a couple of times, and the rest of my family have been to see him, but I'm not allowed to leave the hospital. I try asking him if he's okay and he says he is, but he's lying. Group homes suck.

"Hi, G," Sophia comes into my room and runs over to hug me, "How are you?"

"S, I've missed you so much," I tell her, "Why haven't you come visited me lately?" I ignore her question.

"I've had a lot of school stuff going on," She doesn't seem like herself, "It's been crazy," It's like she's hiding something from me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," She sniffles, "Why wouldn't I be?" She's fighting back tears.

"Sophia," I put my arm around her, "What is it?"

"It's fine," I look at her, "Okay, it's not fine, but you can't freak out okay?" I nod, even though I'm already freaking out inside, "I'm leaving,"

"What do you mean? Where?" I take a second to process her words.

"I got accepted into that school I told you about, someone dropped out and I start next week," Sophia applied for St. Margaret's last semester, but she didn't get in, it's a boarding school.

"Next week?" I ask, "But-"

"I'm sorry, G, I don't have to go,"

"No, don't be stupid, you have to go," I'm crying but I have a smile on my face, I'm happy for her but of course it hurts, "You've dreamt of going there for years," She bursts into tears and hugs me, she cries into my shoulder, "Hey, it's okay, you're going to love it, and I'll be fine, when I'm better I can come visit you and you can show me around,"

"But I can't leave you like this," She sobs.

"Yes you can," I take her by the shoulders, "Look at me, I'm fine, okay? And I'll see you again soon," I promise her, "I love you, S,"

"Love you too, G,"