Seconds after Sophia leaves, mom comes into my room, I turn away from her and bury myself in my book.
"Gracie?" I ignore her, "Love," She takes my book away from me.
"What?" I mumble.
"Holly wants to get you ready for chemo," She says.
"Fine, can I have my book back?" She reluctantly hands it back to me and leaves as Holly comes in. I know I'm being cruel, but I can't help it. I'm mad, I'm tired and I feel like death, and to top it all off I'm not allowed a second to myself. I let access my port and start my chemo. She doesn't try to get me to talk to her, she doesn't ask stupid questions, she stays silent until my chemo is all set up. Then mom comes back in.
"Gracie," I ignore her again, "Hey!" She yells at me, "I've had it with this, talk to me,"
"I don't want to talk to you, or anyone, I just want to be left alone!" She sits down and buries her face in her hands, "But you won't let me because you think I'm going to kill myself!" I cough the last few words out.
"Love," Mom's crying, but she comes to my side and hands me a cup of water.
"I'm sorry mom, I didn't mean it like that, I just feel so trapped, I can't go to school, I can't go home, I can't see my girlfriend because she's sick, I can't even leave this room, Sophia's leaving me," I cough harder, it feels like my throat is ripping apart, "And to top it all off you and mama are probably gonna have to sell the house to pay for all my treatment and now Jesus' legal bills,"
"It won't come to that," Mom rubs my back while I begin to puke, "We're gonna figure out, love, we always do," She's still crying, and now so am I. But somehow, I feel a little better after letting it all out.
"I'm really sorry, mom, and don't tell me to stop apologising, I need to,"
"Okay baby, it's okay," She gets into my bed with me and pulls my head onto her chest and we just sit, crying together.
"We're so dramatic," A couple of hours later, mom and I sit and watch a movie together. Back before I got sick, whenever me and mom would fight, we would diffuse the situation by making fun of ourselves.
"Yeah, can you believe we cried over something so silly?" We always joke that our real problems are something so minuscule, we pretend that nothing in the world could bother us. We laugh together, "Mom?"
"Yeah, sweetie," She barely looks away from the screen while she munches on her popcorn.
"You haven't been at work much the past couple of days,"
"Yeah, with everything going on I thought it was best to just take a couple of days off, but don't worry, I'm going back in tomorrow," I look at her, "Gracie, don't get yourself wound up about the money again, it's fine,"
"Promise?"
"I promise," She kisses my cheek, "Alright, bedtime," She gets up, "Don't give me that look Gracie, it's getting late," She puts her hands out, "Laptop," She says.
"You should go to bed too, at home," I hand it to her, "I'll be fine on my own tonight,"
"Don't be silly, love,"
"Mom you have work tomorrow, you can even get Holly to come and check on me every half hour, I could just do with some alone time," She looks like she's considering it, "Please mom, nothing's going to happen, I'm not going to do anything except read my book and sleep, I swear," She chews her lip.
"Okay, fine, but you have someone call me if anything happens, okay?"
I can't describe how nice it is to finally be on my own. I feel like I can breathe again, of course, that could just be because I'm getting more oxygen through my cannula now. Holly comes to do my vitals and check I'm okay every hour, but I barely notice she's there. Except when I have to press my call button. I thought the chemo side effects were getting a little better, but I suddenly feel worse than all the other rounds I've had. I almost regret sending mom home. Holly has to sit behind me and hold me up while I vomit, that's how weak I am. It hurts to even hold my arms up at this point. She tucks the few strands of hair I have left into my hat and rubs my back until it finally stops, it must have lasted at least an hour.
"Do you want me to call your moms?" She asks as she tucks me into bed.
"No, I'll be fine," I shift around trying to get comfortable, "Is it going to get worse?"
"Yeah," She says frankly, "It's going to suck, but you're gonna feel so amazing when all of this is over with," She smiles, "Can I get you anything else before I hand you over to the night nurse?" She asks.
"No, thank you," I squeeze her hand, "Goodnight," I pull my phone out and facetime with Taylor.
"Hey babe, how are you feeling?" It's so nice to hear her voice.
"I've been better, but I've been worse, I miss you,"
"I miss you too," She coughs.
"Still sick?"
"Yeah, sorry, I swear the second I can breathe through my nose again I'll be right by your side," She blows her nose.
"If Holly lets you, she didn't let Jude in here the other day because he sneezed," We laugh.
"How are things with your moms?"
"Pretty good, mom and I had a good cry together earlier and talked everything out, she's gone home for the night and she's gonna talk to mama about giving me more space, it's weird though, not having either of them here,"
"Are you lonely?"
"No, it's not that, it's nice to have some alone time it's just different without them here doing every little thing for me," I sigh.
"Then what's wrong?"
"The chemo side effects are going to get a lot worse, and when I have my next cycle I'll need constant care, I just don't want to feel completely useless, and I feel like an asshole for complaining about having people here to take care of me while Jesus is in that home,"
"Gracie, take a breath," I follow her advice, "Jesus is fine,"
"You don't know that! Everyone keeps saying that, even he does but I know how bad those places are, and yeah I get why moms and the judge think he should be there, but it just really sucks,"
"You're spiralling, calm down, Gracie," If she were here next to me, I know her touch would calm me down instantly.
"I have to go," I hang up on her and hang my head over and puke all over the floor, this is what happens when I get the slightest bit worked up. Holly's going to end up telling my moms how sick I was tonight, and I'll never be left alone again. My head is all over the place, I can't tell if I like the quiet or if I want my family here. What I do know is I can't wait for all of this to be over.
Hey guys, so I'm not really certain where I want this story to go, so if you have any ideas please let me know, I want your input since it's you I'm writing this for. Private Message me or leave it in a review, thanks.