At last, Rey had reached the inside of the door. She looked around, it appeared to lead into a massive cave.
"Oh oh, oh-oh-oh,
Oh, oh oh-oh!
Oh oh, oh-oh-oh,
Oh, oh oh-oh!"
Voices were all around her, too, chanting very strange things...
"You got the right stuff, baby
Love the way you turn me on
You got the right stuff, baby
You're the reason why I sing this song"
Rey continued to walk through, all around her were robed people that looked like they were a part of a cult or something.
"All that I needed was you
Oh girl, you're so right
And all that I wanted was you
You made all (my dreams come true)"
Soon, she stopped to face something utterly horrifying...
The body of Emperor Pulpatine lay, rotted, rancid, and propped up on a strange mechanical device. He opened one blind eye to stare at Rey.
"What's good, homegirl?" Pulpatine asked.
Rey could only stare.
"ALLOW ME TO PROJECT MY EEVIL PLAN!!" Pulpatine exclaimed, pulling out a VHS tape and a large-screen TV. He slowly placed it into the VCR and waited.
"IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE MUSIC,
IT'S TIME TO LIGHT THE LIGHTS,
IT'S TIME TO MEET THE MUPPETS ON THE MU—" came multiple voices from the TV before Pulpatine turned it off.
"Oh, that's not it..." Pulpatine grumbled, flipping the tape around. "Must've...taped over the episode."
(Heavy metal plays)
'PULPATINE'S STAG REEL' was shown in very large black letters on a white background.
"AAAAGH!" Pulpatine exclaimed, trying to turn it off. "STOP IT STOP IT STOP—"
The TV immediately flipped over to another scene.
"Sorry, that was the wrong tape...very, very wrong..." Pulpatine stammered, until he came to the right film.
Pulpatine grabbed another VHS and placed it into the VCR. He pressed play, and the video began.
"Ah, yes, here it is..." Pulpatine said, opening up his red lightsaber, then using it as a stick, much like a college professor.
An image of Pulpatine laughing amidst destroyed buildings and general mass chaos and destruction was shown.
"Yes, so, my plan, is that I intend to not only kill the Resistance ask you can see, but to ANNIHILATE THEM!" Pulpatine exclaimed.
"Isn't that the same thing?" Rey asked.
"Yeah, well "annihilate" has more emphasis." Pulpatine said. "That's your first lesson in being a villain, granddaughter."
"WHAT?!" Rey exclaimed and moved back. "my ears must have wax in em'.."
"NO, REY!!" Pulpatine exclaimed. "COME CLOSER!!"
Rey approached the old, blind, wrinkly orange. The orange opened his lips, and whispered in her ear;
"I...am your...Grandfather.."
"What?" Rey asked. "Uh, sorry, could you repeat that?"
"I am your Grandfather." Pulpatine said. "What more is there to tell you?"
"You...are my grandpa?" Rey asked. "You serious, old man?"
"Serious as childbirth." Pulpatine replied.
"So, one more time, you're my grandfather?" Rey asked yet again.
"Ee-yup." Pulpatine replied.
"Wowwwww..." Rey said. "Cool, cool, cool, good to know...okay.."
Then, she shook her head as it clicked within her mind.
"...say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!"
"YES, YES!" Pulpatine exclaimed, shaking his hips slightly. "THE TRUTH HUUUUURTS, NOW DON'T IT?! AND YOUR FATHER, WAS MY SON...STANLEY PULPATINE!!!"
At saying this, Rey started to vomit on the ground.
"Okay.." Rey spoke. "I speak for everyone when I say—HOLY MOTHER OF LUCAS! and JER JER H. BINKS ON A PLATTER!!! WHY?!!! WHYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!" The carrot started scrubbing her tongue out with her non-existent hands.
"What's wrong?" Pulpatine asked.
"Oh, sorry, just got an image of you doing it and I got that uncontrollable feeling everybody gets when they NEED TO BLEACH THEIR EYEBALLS!!" Rey exclaimed. She then calmed down. "...Wait, what was my mummy's name?"
"Loretta." Pulpatine said. "Great gal that one. Could make a meeeean plate of enchiladas, too. But that's not important—"
Pulpatine fired up his non-existent hand-lightning.
"—YOU GON' DIE NOW!!"
"What about...grandmum?" Rey squeaked.
"Again I say, NOT IMPORTAAAAANT!!!" Pulpatine screeched.
"Come on!" Rey exclaimed. "You gotta tell me if she knitted me mittens or something!"
Pulpatine stopped. He cleared his throat and a cult member pushed the tv and VCR away.
"Now Rey..." Pulpatine said. "Since we've addressed everything, and that I'm the ruler over the whole dang galaxy, I gotta show you some new roles I've set aside..."
Pulpatine opened his robes, revealing an ENORMOUSLY LONG paper list with multiple scribbled words that couldn't be made out properly.
"As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list - I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed - who never would be missed!" Pulpatine spoke.
"Oh gosh, he's not gonna sing, is he?" She asked one of the cult members.
"Yep." The cult member replied.
"There's...Mrs. Eckstein, it's bad she's not Ahsoka,
I suppose,
And people that create OCs,
That look like edgy bodily growths,
Folks who write bad self-insert fanfics by the droves,
The man who thought of Star Wars Rebels—it's so not canon,
And it shows!
It should be off the air, seriously, I insist
They'd none of them be missed!
They'd none of them be missed."
Pulpatine pulled up a "Star Wars Rebels" poster and ripped it to shreds, blowing it at Rey.
"(He's got them on the list! He's got them on the list!
And they'd none of them be missed! They'd none of them be missed!)"
"There's the folks who reboot classic children's cartoons,
They act like such buffoons, with egos like balloons,
And the people that are upset by this,
Who rage just like baboons!
I've got them on the list,
And not a moment too soon!"
Pulpatine sang once again, holding up a sign reading "LOOKIN' AT YOU, 'THE LOONEY TUNES SHOW' AND 'VEGGIETALES IN THE HOUSE'.
"(He's got them on the list! He's got them on the list!
And they'd none of them be missed! They'd none of them be missed!)"
The chorus of cult members sang once again.
"There's the man who thought of creating those period piece shows from the 80's,
But I've heard of much stranger things than this, gentlemen and ladies,
And there's the dog that's guaranteed to give you violent rabies,
On all your family's babies,
Imagine all the scabies!
They're definitely on the list!
And they'd none of them be missed,
They'd none of them be missed!"
Pulpatine pulled out a young female carrot with a bald head and a nosebleed, then shoved her back into the crowd.
"(He's got them on the list! He's got them on the list!
And they'd none of them be missed! They'd none of them be missed!)"
"Well, that was dumb." Rey said. "Now can I kill you, or what?"
"NO!!" Pulpatine exclaimed, using his lightning. "NOW GIVE YOUR OL' GRAMPY SOME SUGAR!!"
Suddenly, Rey stopped and noticed that two people had shown up...
"Rey?!" Finn asked.
"FINN!" Rey exclaimed and hugged him.
"REY!!!" Kabob smiled.
Rey immediately drew her knife saber at Kabob.
"...uh...hi..." Kabob said.
"Woah woah!" Finn said. "He's good now!"
"Really?" Rey asked in a condescending tone.
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" Kabob asked.
"NO!" Rey exclaimed.
"I'm kidding!" Kabob replied.
"Wait..." Pulpatine said. "How did you guys even find me?!"
Finn held up the piece of paper that Pulpatine was using.
"...It was your "little list"." Finn snarked.