I sit in silence on the car ride home, ignore moms when I get in the house, I go straight up to my room, Callie and Mariana are out so I can finally be alone. I have some serious thinking to do. I'm actually considering going for it with Katie, I like her, and I have fun with her, but that would mean lying to moms again. But if I don't, I could lose Katie completely, and maybe even Daisy, and then I'll be back to square one with zero friends and zero social life. But am I just convincing myself that I like Katie just to get over Taylor? Is it possible to still be in love with my ex and have a crush on another person at the same time? Maybe I'm better off going back to having no friends.
I lay in bed for a while, trying to gather my thoughts, and figure this out. The chemo starts to hit slowly, I feel sick, dizzy, lightheaded, feelings that are all too familiar to me. This is another reason not to start something up with Katie, I'm going to get sicker and so is she, it'll be hard for both of us.
Suddenly, I have to rush into the bathroom to puke, almost passing out in the process. I have to lie on the bathroom floor, if I try to stand up right now I'll collapse, and if I try to crawl back to bed I'll end up puking all over the carpet.
"Gracie," The door knocks, "You okay in there?" It's mom.
"Fine," I lie, "Just go,"
"Not a chance," Mama's out there too, they open the door, I always forget to lock the door.
"I'm fine," I say.
"Gracie, you're lying on the bathroom floor, with puke on your hoodie," Mom says. They ignore my pleads for solitude and they both scoop me up and carry me back to my bed, mom takes off my hoodie, while Mama fluffs my pillow.
"You're fussing over me, stop it," I know that there will come a time when I won't be able to do the smallest thing for myself, but for right now, I just want to be left alone, "Leave me alone," I try to yell but I don't have it in me, so instead I just cry, and let them take care of me.
"Gracie," Mama sits down, she and mom take a hand each, "Remember what the doctors said? They said that this round was going to hit you harder and faster than the last, it's far more aggressive than the last one, I know you said you didn't-," She stops herself because she's started to cry.
"You said you didn't want us fussing over you until you needed it, do you think that maybe," She sighs, "Maybe that time is now?" She asks me. I'm not ready for this, not yet. I don't want to be useless, a burden. But… moms are right.
"Okay," I accept their help, it's not like I have a choice anymore, I just lie there as they run around fetching things for me, making sure I'm comfortable. Maybe I should take Daisy's advice, about the nausea, then maybe I won't be as sick, and moms won't baby me as much. It starts tonight, luckily, I don't have much of an appetite at all anymore.
"You're sweating, let me take your hat off," I haven't shown anyone in the family my bald head yet, so they're in for a surprise, "When did you do this?" I don't answer, I'm too tired. I finally drop off to sleep.
"She's getting a lot worse," Mom has sat the whole family down at the kitchen table, except for me, so I'm standing just above that one creaky step in my usual eavesdropping spot, "So we're going to need all hands on deck around here okay? Your homework needs to be done on time, trash taken out, dishes washed, everything, yeah? And all of you need to be respectful of her, she's getting a lot of headaches, so boys no loud music,"
"We got it, moms," Jesus says.
"Jude, are you okay, Bubba?" Mama asks. They've all been talking in the kitchen for a half-hour and Jude hasn't said a word.
"She's not… dying, right?"
"No, no of course not, you know your sister, she can get through anything," Mom says. I'm starting to doubt that theory. I sit down on the steps, unable to keep standing on my stick-thin legs. This past week has been horrible, even without eating I've still managed to keep puking, I don't know how Daisy does it, I guess our bodies are just different, and so is our chemo cocktail.
"Okay, get to school guys, I'll go get Gracie ready for chemo," Usually this is the part where I quietly sneak back to my room so no one catches me listening in, but I can't move right now.
"Gracie," Callie comes out of the kitchen first, "Come on, let's get you on the couch," She and Jesus take an arm each, "Moms," She calls for them.
"Oh sweetie," Mama helps them carry me over to the couch, "Are you okay?"
"I think I need more platelets," I tell her. My siblings are all still stood in the hall, staring at me.
"Kids, school!" Mom says.
"Right, okay, everyone in the car," Callie's been driving them every day because moms are both off of work to take care of me
"Okay, let's get you to the car, Stef, grab some towels and her overnight bag, it's packed and ready to go in our room,"
"I need to lie down," I say in the car, mom is sat in the back seat with me, my nose has started bleeding again so mom has the towels at the ready, I lay my head on her lap.
I don't really remember getting to the hospital, mom says I didn't pass out this time, but all the blood loss has made everything a little fuzzy.
"You weren't making a lot of sense in the car," Mom tells me, "You kept asking for Taylor," She strokes my face,
"I did?" I guess I'm not as over her as I thought, I've been texting Katie a lot this week, she's feeling the effects of chemo a lot right now too, so we've been distracting each other, maybe there's been a little bit of flirting too, "I should text my friends, so they know what's going on," Mom hands me my phone, and I text Katie, she replies instantly telling me she gets it and she's here for me if I need to talk or if I need a distraction.
"Hey," Jesus comes into my room.
"Jesus, why aren't you at school?" Mama asks.
"I have a free period, I just wanted to stop by and see if you guys needed anything, from the house or if you wanted me to get you some food," He's been nothing short of amazing this week, he's so helpful to moms, nothing like he used to be, he does the dishes before he's asked, he studies and does his homework and he's always checking in on me. Maybe the group home was the right thing for him, "I can sit with Gracie for a little bit if you guys wanted some fresh air?" He asks moms.
"Yeah, go take a walk," I say, "Get some coffee or something,"
Miraculously, they take our advice and go out for a little while, and Jesus stays in my room with me.
"Are you okay?" I ask him, "You've been taking care of me and moms a lot, and I really appreciate it, but are you taking care of yourself?"
"It's sweet of you to worry about me when you're the one with cancer, I'm fine Gracie, taking care of you guys is taking care of me, knowing that I'm doing everything I can to make this all easier on you is what I need to do," He's so mature. I open my mouth to respond but I have to throw my self over the side of my bed, and I puke on the floor, and he rushes out into the hall to get Nurse Holly.
"Don't call moms," I say between gags, "Let them relax for a little while,"
"I got you," He says, he rubs my back while Holly tries to keep the puking under control. The old Jesus would never have done this, he would have stood back and waited until it was all over, and then made some joke to make me laugh.
"Hey, at least this is good exercise," And there's the joke, I guess he's not completely changed.
"Hey, looks like you've got some visitors," Mom wakes me up, I look out into the hallway and Daisy and Katie are waiting outside, "I'll let you guys talk,"
"Oh my God, you guys, what are you doing here?" I hug them both. Since I'm an inpatient again, I've been having chemo in my room, so I haven't gotten to see either of them, but we've kept in touch, we have a group chat now. We talk on that pretty much all day every day, but it's different than being together 'IRL' as Daisy puts it.
"You didn't think we weren't gonna visit you, did you?" Daisy says, "How are you feeling?" She pours herself a glass of water.
"Pretty worn down, I've been sleeping a lot, and puking a lot," I laugh, they understand this kind of thing, "What about you guys?" Katie looks okay, but Daisy has gotten even thinner which I didn't think was possible, and the bags under her eyes are bigger than mine, and that is saying something. She's shaking too, like Mariana after four coffees on the night before an exam.
"I've been okay, just some headaches, and stuff," Daisy says, we may have only known each other for a short time, but I can tell when she's lying, she awful at it.
"Well, I had a rough week but I'm feeling okay today, which is good because otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to come to see you," She perches on the end of my bed.
"Okay, do you guys want me to leave you alone? I thought you were just friends?" Daisy asks.
"Oh, we are," Katie says, smiling.
"Yeah, really good friends," I smile back at her, it's not like we're dating, we just flirt, moms didn't say anything about flirting.
"Best friends," Katie and I laugh.
"Oh right, and I'm the picture of health," She sits in the armchair.
"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask, are you sure you're okay?" Katie says.
"You do look a little paler than usual," I add.
"I'm fine, for a cancer patient," She laughs, but the smile falls off of her face very quickly, she grabs her chest.
"Daisy?" Katie jumps off my bed and crouches down in front of her.
"It's fine, just a little breathless," She's struggling to talk.
"It's not fine, Daisy, something's wrong," I say, I get out of bed and come to her side, "You're sweating, Katie, get a nurse, or a doctor, anyone,"
"I'm fine," Daisy insists, she clasps her chest harder and lets out of painful moan, and then she flops back in the chair unconscious.
"Katie!" I shout into the hall, and she comes rushing back in with Nurse Holly and a bunch of other nurses two of which usher Katie and me into the hall.
"Gracie?" Mom comes to me, "What's going on?" I don't answer her, I just stand at the window of my room, watching the nurses work on Daisy, they've moved her onto my bed.
"Out of the way!" A doctor comes rushing past us right into the room, and one of the nurses shuts the door and closes the blind, we can't see a thing.
"Oh my God," I say. Katie takes my hand.
"She'll be okay, she has to be," She says, but she's crying too.