"I think, it could work," I tell my new therapist, she comes to my hospital room every couple of days, "I'm not totally without hope anymore," I can't lie, my sessions with Dr Nunez have been pretty helpful.
"That's good, Gracie," She smiles at me, "And have there been any more nightmares or panic attacks?" She asks. She's given me a higher dose of my depression and anxiety meds, and that combined with the therapy seems to have helped a little bit.
"None like that first one, just regular bad dreams, I guess, and as for the panic attacks, none at all, just a few shaky moments here and there, but my moms say that's normal for anyone, no matter what you're going through,"
"Your moms are right. And how is your friend Daisy doing?"
"She's okay, I'm not allowed to use my phone," Dr Nunez's rules, "So I can't text her, but mama visited her for me, she's out of the ICU and doing a lot better now, especially because she's been eating," Dr Nunez smiles at me again, "And I think I've stopped blaming myself for it, and the other people, you know, that died,"
"Why do you think that is?" She writes in her yellow notepad.
"I don't know, I guess I realised that Rachel wanted to die, and I'm not the one who beat Freddie to death," I tell her, it still hurts saying their names and talking about them at all. But Dr Nunez says it's normal to feel that way, "And as for Greg and John, they're in jail because they broke the law, that can't be my fault," I've managed to convince myself of what everyone has been telling me this entire time.
"You seem a lot more positive now, I'm impressed Gracie, I want you to keep taking your meds, talking to your moms, we'll still have our meetings, but I feel comfortable taking you off of suicide watch, and I'll tell your moms to give your phone back to you," She smiles.
"Really?" Even more good news, "I mean it won't make a difference because you know what my moms are like, they'll be watching me like a hawk, but uh, thank you, Dr Nunez," I shake her hand.
"Are you nervous?" Mama sits with me while mom is out in the hall going over the plan for the surgery with Dr Chandra.
"Yeah, not about the surgery part, just the being unconscious part, I don't want to have another nightmare,"
"You haven't had one since, I think you'll be okay," She holds my hand, "I'm so proud of you, baby," She smiles.
"I'm sorry mama, I know you and mom always tell me not to apologize but I need to, I'm sorry that you had to see me go through that dark crap," I tell her, "I know it's not my fault that I have mental illnesses," I say exactly what Dr Nunez tells me to say, I have to realise I'm not sick because I deserve it, "But I'm just sorry that I said all of those things to you,"
"Thank you, sweetie," She said, stroking my face and wiping away the single tear on my cheek, "You're forgiven, you always will be,"
"Are you ready, love?" Mom and Dr Chandra come back into my room, I nod.
"Let's go," He says.
"She's coming around," Mom's voice floats across the room. My eyes flutter open and closed, trying to adjust to the light. I smile, I didn't have one bad dream. I don't think I dreamt at all.
"Gracie? Wake up sweetie," Mama says, I open my eyes fully and she and mom are standing either side of me. I feel strange, not bad strange, more like painkillers and sedative strange. I'm in a different room, I'm guessing I'm in ICU, it was a pretty major surgery.
"Hi," I smile at my parents.
"There's our baby," Mama says, "Are you in any pain?" I shake my head.
"I feel good," I tell them, "I love drugs!" Sober me would never say anything like that to them, but they just laugh it off.
"She'll be feeling like this until we can take her off of the painkillers," I hear Holly's voice, but I can't sit up to see her, I'm too tired.
"You go back to sleep if you want love," Mom says. And I do just that, for what seems like days.
"Aye, she's awake again!" I open my eyes to Jesus this time.
"Hey," I manage to lift my head a little bit, and they're all here, the whole family, "Did they get it all out of me?" I ask.
"Yeah baby, they did," Mama says, "Look at you, you have the colour back in your cheeks again,"
"Okay, babies, let's all give Gracie some space," Mom ushers my siblings out into the hall, closing the door on them.
"How long was I out?" I ask moms.
"Well you were sort of in and out for about a week while you were in the ICU, then you've been back here for another week, mostly sleeping, you don't remember waking up at all?"
"Just once, in the ICU," I remember, "Did I say, 'I love drugs'?" I cringe, but they laugh again, "Oh god," I bring my hand to my face, "Wait, my tube is out,"
"Yeah, they said you're at a healthy enough weight to go without it now," Mom tells me, "You look so much healthier," They both can't stop smiling.
"Can I call my friends?" I ask. Before the surgery, they didn't want to give me my phone back, they just wanted me to focus on myself, which I completely understand. Mama hands me my phone and they go out into the hall, the first moment of conscious privacy I've had in almost a month.
"Hi," I say.
"Gracie, are you okay?" Daisy says.
"Yeah, I'm fine, the surgery went well and everything, are you? I'm sorry I didn't call, I wasn't allowed my phone,"
"I'm totally fine now, I mean I have a slight heart murmur and I still have cancer, but I'm eating properly, for a chemo patient and everything, sorry for scaring you guys," She says.
"That's okay, I'm just glad we're both doing better now," I tell her.
"Have you talked to Katie yet?" She asks.
"I was about to call her, why? Is she okay?" I find myself about to panic, but I take deep breaths and sip my water.
"Yeah, she just wanted to hear from you, that's all, go, call her, I'll talk to you soon, bye," She hangs up.
"Hello?" Katie answers the phone, she sounds different.
"Hi, Katie, uh, how are you?"
"Gracie, oh my God," She says, "Uh, fine- I'm fine, are you okay? I heard you had surgery,"
"I'm okay, a lot better than I've been, listen, could you come by the hospital later today?" I ask, "I wanna talk to you, for real, not just on the phone,"
"Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, same room as usual, right?"
"Yeah, great, I'll see you then, bye, Katie,"
"Bye," Something about that conversation felt off, she doesn't sound like herself, but I guess cancer can do that to a person, I've been like five different people over the past couple of months.
"Hey," Jude comes into my room, "What's up?" He sits down on the end of my bed and crosses his legs.
"Not much, just recovering from major surgery and trying to kick cancer's ass, what about you?" I joke.
"Nothing at all," He sits there, silent for a moment, "Taylor called me," He says, "She said to tell you that she hopes you're okay and that she's only a phone call away," He smiles.
"That's sweet," I miss her a lot, part of me thinks that if she stayed, maybe none of that crap would have happened, but that might mean that I wouldn't have met Katie and Daisy. I'd still be friendless if it weren't for the breakup.
"Sophia sent you something," He gets up and goes out into the hall for a second, and comes back carrying a gigantic gift basket, "You could survive off of this thing for years," He puts it down on the floor, "It's heavy man,"
"Wow," I look at it, smile for a second, and then I get sad again.
"What's wrong?" He says, "Should I get moms?"
"No, it's okay, it's just- I have so many people that care about me, I can't believe what I wanted to do, what I almost did," I dry my eyes, "But I'm moving on from that now, there's no tumours or Mets inside of my body anymore, my meds have kicked in, my family is incredible, I can only go up from here," He squeezes my hand.
"Gracie," Katie comes into my room a couple of hours later, she's in a wheelchair now and she's gotten so thin, "Hey,"
"Uh, hey," I look at her, kind of in shock, "Why the chair?" I ask.
"I can't really walk that much at the moment, chemo," She rolls herself over to me, "But it's okay, after chemo, I'll be back to myself again," She looks at me, "You look amazing though, I didn't think your cheeks could even go that colour anymore," She makes a joke, trying to be like her old self, but she's changed, cancer has changed her.
"Yeah, Dr Chandra got all of the cancer out of me, I'm just waiting for my two-week post-op scan, to see if anything has grown back,"
"Well, I hope it hasn't, I hope you get better," She smiles, "Listen, I still like you, a lot, but I just wanted to let you know that if you're not ready for anything like that yet, or if you just don't like me in that way, it's okay," She takes a breath, "I totally understand," I don't quite know what to say. I mean, I like her like that, of course, I do, but I'm not going to lie to my moms to be with her, and she's right, I'm probably not ready for it.
"Katie, I do like you," She smiles again, "But I'm not ready," She nods.
"That's totally fine, I can wait,"
"No, the truth is Katie, I won't be ready for a long time and it's not fair to make you wait for me, especially when you're so sick," I admit.
"I'm fine, it's just the chemo," She starts to cry a little bit.
"You're not fine," I insist, "We can still be friends though, all three of us, but no more flirty texting or hand-holding, I should never have kissed you that day outside the hospital, I'm so sorry,"
"Right, okay, I get it," She turns away, so I don't see her cry, "Well, I hope you get out soon and you get better," She mumbles, "Uh, bye,"
"Katie," I call after her, but she leaves, closing the door behind her. Even when I try to do the right thing it ends up hurting people.