Hey everyone, I hope you like this story and that you'll consider leaving a review to let me know what you think… I'd just really like to know what your thoughts are, so that I can improve.
Bless you!
"This year's annual conference will take place in Atlanta !" Olivia formally revealed the whole squad before everyone would start their work day. There were about thirty people in the squad room, and Olivia's announcement generated a strong reaction. Some were really enthusiastic for the unusual week-end, and they would likely plan to make the most of it. The other part of the auditory didn't miss to exclaim frustration. It soon became pretty noisy in the police station, everyone commenting about the recent news that had been given and almost everyone forgot that Olivia was still standing in front of them, obviously not finished.
The captain exchanged a frustrated look with Fin, and then reclaimed everyone's attention again.
"Before you all start making up excuses I remind you that it is mandatory!" Olivia firmly announced "It's in two weeks from now, so you all have time to make arrangements. That's it for now, good day everyone!" Olivia ended her speech and approached Amanda's desk, upon which Kat decided to sit to during the speech.
"Amanda, are you ok?" Fin inquired in a serious tone, putting his hand on her partner's shoulder, to show support.
Usually, she had plenty to say, especially if it was to complain about some interminable conference. But she hadn't spoken a word and it was noticeable, from the way she kept biting her lip that she wasn't thrilled.
"You worry about your daughters?" Kat asked as if she already knew the answer, not quite used to read through the lines when it came to Amanda. To her defense, Fin and Olivia both had years of practice at translating the blonde detective's expressions and they also were aware of the specific reasons why such a trip could be a trigger for her.
When the detective noticed that all eyes were on her, she gave an irritated look. "I'm fine, and so are my daughters!" Just when she thought they could actually move on, Olivia stood in front of her. She could feel the worry in the brown eyes before getting called her into the captain's office for some privacy.
"Hey, you doing ok?" Olivia asked with a soft voice.
Amanda shrug while she settled on the sofa in an ungraceful manner. "I guess." She didn't have time to process the news just yet. Still, it felt nice to not feel guarded around her boss and friend.
"I know I just said the conference was mandatory, and it is, but if you think this is too much for you, I'd rather you just tell me, and we could both think of something!" Olivia, not excited herself at the idea of enduring a whole week-end with some cops that clearly didn't all share her values could only imagine how the news must have been hard on Amanda.
The younger woman was staring at the captain, appreciative of the fact that she was thoughtful enough to give her a way out. "I'm not looking forward to it, but I can manage. And it's not like Patton is still around, right?" She wanted to joke about it, but even now, it felt out of line and her voice broke a little. She didn't want to think about it too much for now, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to focus on her job.
"Will you let me know if you need anything?" Olivia asked with care. "I mean it, Amanda."
"Thank you Liv."
Here they were, two weeks after! Fin, Amanda, Kat and Olivia agreed to share a car to the airport. The youngest had been designated as their driver, because according to Fin she was the one who needed less sleep. About that, the night before Amanda hadn't been able to close an eye. At some point during her sleepless night, she came pretty close to tell Olivia that they should all go without her. She'd even imagined to play the kids-are-sick-card. But finally, she managed to get her nerves under control. She trusted her team and rationally, she was aware that nothing would happen to her. Over the years, she'd been to many conferences, and she was used to the Atlanta police officers stating at her. This year, they'd go to Atlanta, it wasn't much big of a deal, she tried to convince herself.
"How can you be late even under your own building!?" Fin commented as soon as the woman entered the car.
"Fin is in a good mood!" Amanda rolled her eyes, trying to push her suitcase in the car boot.
"Hey!" Olivia softly welcomed, squeezing herself in the back of the car, so that the blonde woman could come in. "You slept ok?"
"Not really.." Amanda whispered, once she sat next to the captain. "I'm… kind of nervous Liv!" Amanda shared in confidence, with a blank look as if she wasn't really there.
"It's gonna be ok!" Olivia murmured back, squeezing Amanda's knee in comfort. During the two weeks they've had to prepare, the captain had been thinking about what she could do to help Amanda feel protected during the conference. "Just to be clear, no one wanders alone once we're in Atlanta!"
"Agreed." Fin said.
"Yeah" Amanda nodded. The detective she once was would not have welcomed the overbearing reaction of the captain, but she did appreciate Olivia's efforts to make her feel safe. Even though, she hated feeling like she depended on someone, it helped to know her team would be around her at any time and she was trying her hardest to not let her mind bring her down for appearing so vulnerable.
Kat on the other hand, had a hard time following up with what was going on.
"Kat?" Olivia was still waiting for a confirmation.
"Why the short leash?" The youngest detective asked with curiosity.
"Just… because." Olivia answered, hoping Kat would not push any further.
Once in Atlanta, the squad quickly left their baggage at the hotel before the conference would start. For the time being, they just store everything in Olivia's room. Fin didn't miss to comment on how he'd like to be a captain in order to have his own room as well.
They were welcomed into the majestic conference hall by some Atlanta's young policemen. Kat could not believe her eyes and felt privileged to just be able to attend such an important event. Fin and Olivia were standing both sides from Amanda, almost as if she had her own security staff. Soon enough though, Olivia would have to leave them, since she would have to speak at the conference. Every captain had been asked to present a difficult case they'd dealt with during the last year, including which strategies have been used to resolve it. Noticing how pale Amanda had turned since they stepped feet into the building, she was reluctant to let go.
"I've got them both." Fin assured, motioning at Kat who was just exploring the location with enthusiasm. Amanda just decided to hold her emotions in and put on a brave face. She smiled at the irony of the situation. It took her years to understand that bottling everything in was not a solution and yet, it still turned out to be the best thing she could do in order to not fall apart.
"Amanda" Olivia pronounced faintly, when the two women locked eyes.
"I've got this." Amanda assured with a neutral tone, still hoping to convince herself.
As soon as the conference started, Kat turned on her notebook, typing everything that was being said, obviously eager to learn. Fin had a whole different tactic. He'd just listen with detachment, hoping the knowledge would somehow be attracted by him. He was effortless. Pen in hand, Amanda was also trying to focus on the content of the conference. Usually, she'd be like Kat, even after years of being a detective, she'd always want to complete her knowledge. That day though, she couldn't focus. Every once in a while, she'd lift her head and look behind her, as to assure herself that HE wasn't there. It was a reflex behavior but it turned out to be more prejudicial than anything. She couldn't tell if she was imagining things, but she could swear some young Atlanta's officers were pointing and laughing at her. Obviously, her reputation was going far beyond the time she actually spent in Atlanta and the new generations would know all about her. A slut, a traitor, a liar? What was she to them?
At some point, Fin turned around as well, to make sure whatever was bothering her partner was just in her head, but he did see two young inspectors looking right at him. Amanda wasn't imagining things. Fin just stared back, deep into their eyes. He wasn't threatening, just confident, and that's all it took for the young policemen to change their focus.
"Stop looking behind Amanda. You're not going there!" Fin said with assurance.
They were done for the day and they were expected in a restaurant nearby.
"You guys go ahead, I'm not hungry!" Amanda commented. She'd been able to hold up until now, but she needed a break.
"Why don't we just go back to the hotel and use the room service?" Olivia proposed, concerned for her subordinate.
"I don't want to spoil everyone's fun!" Amanda exclaimed keeping in mind Kat's excitement. They were all being unfair to the newest member of the team.
Kat couldn't sense what exactly was going on, but she could tell everyone was looking out for Rollins. Plus, she'd never seen her colleague turning down food. "Actually, I don't mind ordering in." She confirmed like a protective little sister, offering an empathetic smile to the blonde detective.
"Liv, that's not good for you." Amanda was perfectly aware of how it was important to socialize at those kind of events. " You know you have to show up!" Amanda's nervousness was impacting everyone's mood, and if at first she decided to just let them help for once, she was getting mad at herself for not being able to just relax and let her team do the same.
"Right now, there are things more important for me than showing up, Rollins!" Olivia ensured and before anyone could intervein again, Fin placed himself behind Amanda and gently pushed her, so she'd start walking. "Let's go then!"
"So, how's the sleeping arrangement?" Kat asked once they were in the hotel.
"I suppose we share a room!" Amanda briefly answered, asking for their key to the reception. "Fin would probably have to share with…"
"I'm not sharing anything!" He affirmed, even though it was out of his hands.
"Do you mind if I use the shower first?" Amanda demanded even before they entered their room.
"Yeah go ahead!"
A little privacy was all Amanda needed to finally let her tears flow. As soon as she entered the bathroom, she turned on the water, and started sobbing. If only water could wash her pain away! If only water could wash everything's she's ever been. A slut, a traitor, a liar. If only soap could clean her skin from the guilt she's still wearing like a second skin! How could she think for one second that she was over it? How could she ever be over it? Was it even possible? The unspeakable fear would forever be within her. It could go to rest for a while, but every now and then, it would always hunt her.
Even though Kat was trying really hard to mind her own business, she could feel something was really wrong. She sat on her bed for a minute, before roaming in the next door's room with a tenacious attitude.
"A slumber party?" Olivia repeated Kat's words.
"I don't know the deal with Rollins, but we can make this better right? We could just watch a movie or something? Your room is big enough! And you said so yourself, no one should wander alone!"
Olivia frowned. Obviously, what she said earlier didn't apply to their sleeping situation. Even though she was aware Amanda was not a kid who would just feel better with a spoonful of ice-cream, it might actually help to know that her whole squad, including the newest member, was determined to look out for her.
Olivia called the reception and asked if they could just add one single bed inside her room. Fin did agree to stay for a while, but he'd take Amanda and Kat's room for the night. He needed his sleep. Kat, triumphant, went back to her own room, to announce Amanda the good news.
"Put on your PJs, we're going to party!" Kat announced while Amanda was drying her hair.
"What?" Amanda asked in confusion.
"We're all sleeping with Liv tonight! Well, not Fin!"
"I… didn't bring any"
"Were you planning to sleep in the nude?" a perplexed Kat had to ask. "Here, you can have this!" Kat threw her a boxing short. "It's clean!" she added noticing Amanda was smelling it. "I'll ask the captain if she has an extra t-shirt!" Kat exited the room without waiting for an answer. Amanda displayed an exasperated smile. She wished she had that level of energy.
Two minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
"'Manda can I come in?" The compassion in Olivia's voice could be felt even from the hall.
"Sure Liv!"
"I just wanted to check on you. Alone." Olivia approached the younger woman
"It's.. harder than I thought." Amanda acknowledged still using the hairdryer, but Liv took gently grabbed it away from her.
"Talk to me." she motioned for the bed and petted the spot beside her, inviting Amanda to come sit with her.
Amanda's blue eyes were like an ocean drowning in its own profundity. She'd been swimming all day, now, she could barely keep her emotions at bay. All it took to start the meltdown was Olivia's delicate hand upon her shoulder.
"Come here!" The captain said before extending her arm so she could hold her friend against her.
"I'm ruining everything." Amanda exclaimed, letting her tears fall like rivers.
"Kat just improvised a slumber party to cheer you up. Fin sends you a t-shirt because apparently you didn't think of packing your own pajama, and I've just asked the reception if they could add a bed in my room so that we can stay together. If you were a burden to us, I think you'd know by now. We're your family honey! Let us care!"
"I didn't plan on sleeping at all, just to be sure I wouldn't have a nightmare." Amanda admitted in defeat. "I've been preparing for this Liv. I anticipated everything. I've been practicing in my head for the past two weeks!"
"Practicing what exactly?"
"Being ok." Amanda rolled her eyes, feeling a little self-conscious. "I wouldn't have come had I known I would be such a wreck".
"Well, I'm glad you're here. And you never know, tomorrow might just be a different day!"