I'm so grateful for your comments, thank you all! Next chapter will be the last.
A million dreams: I understand what you mean, but I don't expect anything, really. Do what makes you happy! No pressure!
Bless you!
"Will you hold me, for just a minute?" Amanda brought up her knees against her chest. She spotted her own silhouette in the mirror right in front of her. She looked nothing like herself, with those borrowed clothes on. Recognizing the helplessness in her own eyes made her feel like an alien inside her own skin, unable to function how she usually would.
"Stop that!" Olivia lightly stroke her cheek.
The intimate gesture somehow attracted Amanda back to an acceptable reality; a place where she felt appreciated for who she was, despise where she had been wandering in the past.
The brunette extended her arm behind Amanda's back. "I can hold you for as long as you want me to."
Amanda slowly let her head fall against Liv's body and not long after she allowed herself to relax her features, a few tears found their way from her cheeks to Olivia's shoulder.
"You have us, Amanda. You have me."
"I know that." the blonde said letting out a sigh.
"Somehow, you'll still trying to deal with what's bothering you alone. You don't have to anymore!" Olivia was almost begging her to let her in, to accept the support she desperately wanted to provide.
"What do you expect me to do? Tell you all about what's in my head right now? Tell you how I can't stop feeling him?" Amanda withdrew from the hug, her tears turning into sobs. She placed her hands upon her mouth, to prevent the beastly sounds to escape her lips.
"I wouldn't think less of you if you did!" The brunette carefully reached for Amanda's hands and held them closely inside hers. Amanda was drained enough as it was and a panic attack was the last thing she needed. "It doesn't have to hurt that way forever. Trust me. Lean on me, honey!" Olivia's heart was gracious enough to catch her, if only she'd let herself go.
Amanda shrug, unsure of what to do.
Fin knocked and opened the door, but at the sight of his partner's distress he backed off. "We can come back!" He mumbled before closing back the door.
"No stay!" Amanda motioned them to just come in. "I'm good!", she nodded drying off the remainder of tears against her arm. "I'm sorry!" she blurted out.
"You should be, cuz I'm starving!" Fin agreed. "Seriously though, we got you 'Manda!" he added, squeezing Amanda's shoulder in a protective manner.
Everybody was on her side, they'd been nothing but supportive, and yet, somehow, she kept feeling like a burden.
"We brought you tea!" Kat handed the hot beverage to the blonde detective. "And a salad!"
"Thank you Kat!" Amanda nodded meaningfully.
They keep the conversation light during the meal even though no one seemed to be in a cheerful mood anymore. Olivia asked Kat how she enjoyed the conference, but the officer felt bad for actually appreciating it and remained as vague as possible. Fin was pleasantly surprised with how good the Atlanta pizza tasted like. Both Olivia and Amanda called to check on their children. Noah's videocall actually kept the team entertained during most of their dinner time. Both Amanda's girls were already fast asleep which was one less thing to worry about, she thought. Jesse could be quite painful to deal with when Amanda was not around for bedtime. The team did enjoy the apparent tranquility but the gloomy ambience was still prominent, and everyone decided they should call it a night.
"I'm just gonna use the shower real quick!" Olivia announced when Fin left.
Kat seemed hesitant, though. Obviously, the slumber party was a terrible idea. She got up from the single bed, ready to leave if her presence was considered an intrusion. "I could just sleep in the other room with Fin if.."
"Absolutely not!" Amanda strongly opposed! "Fin snores!" the blonde chuckled.
Kat, obviously ill at ease, picked up her phone to keep her mind busy, but was soon interrupted.
"I'm sorry!" Amanda apologized, once again. "For making those days way harder than they should be for you!"
"I'm the one who's sorry." Kat declared with sincerity.
"What for?"
"I'm not sure."
The room got quiet for a minute. Despise Amanda's reassuring words, Kat couldn't help but feel like an outsider. Obviously, everyone in the squad had history. When they were at work, it didn't matter that much, but in that moment, she felt powerless. Her brown eyes grew wild with astonishment when Amanda broke the silence again.
"The man we saw earlier, Sam Reynolds, was my old captain." Amanda declared, careful to not overwhelm the other woman.
"You don't owe me an explanation!" Kat shook her head in opposition.
Olivia, now ready for the night, was obviously intrigued.
"That's not what this is! Liv and Fin know because it came up during a case a few years ago. But I've never actually talked about it." Amanda looked for Liv's approbation and the captain nodded in sympathy.
"So don't!" Kat insisted. It felt wrong! Amanda shouldn't feel pressured into talking about something she was comfortable with.
Again, Amanda turned to Liv, unsure of what good it would do to just spill her story. Once she spoke about it, would the pain stop? That's what they advised victims on an everyday basis but she did not need a listening ear.
"Lean on us!" Olivia repeated her previous words. "Can you do this?"
"I think so. But.. what for?" Amanda asked with candor.
"It doesn't hurt to find out!"
Amanda contemplated her options for a minute. "Tomorrow needs to be a different day, and I can't do this alone." she finally declared.
Olivia turned off the light and turned on a bedside lamp instead, more suitable for confidentiality. She then took place right next to Amanda on the king size bed. The blonde detective leaned her back against the headboard and close her eyes. "Is it ok if I talk with you?" she asked Kat.
"Do you mean, if I want to listen?"
"Yeah, that too. But, will you lead?"
Her lack of experience didn't matter to Amanda. Somehow, she felt more comfortable this way, almost like it wasn't for real. If she met Olivia's eyes right now, she would feel too much.
"Of course!" Kat nodded.
"Do you know the first case you worked with us? The trap we set up? That's how I earned my shield, I did a thousand of those." The blonde detective talked with detachment, as if she was telling somebody else's story. "The way they treat us women, was not ok. I could do the job, I could defend myself, but I didn't know back then, what it felt like to be safe. That's only when I met Fin that I understood the meaning of having a partner. Fin is the first man I ever trusted… but don't tell him that or he we wouldn't hear the end of it!" Amanda chuckled and so did her friends. She really hoped she could just keep talking without feeling the weight of the words.
"Patton would always look at me like I was.. a woman. What does that even mean, right? Because I have boobs, I can't do my job just as well?"
"It sounds so backwards!" Kat emphasized.
Olivia listened carefully, but respected Amanda's will to not invest too much emotional baggage. Therefore, she didn't interrupt, even though her stomach was contorting at only imagining what it must have been to work in such hostile conditions.
"I was always the first on the job. Something Olivia would find hard to believe!" Cracking up jokes was a definitely a bad coping mechanism, Amanda thought, but up until then, it has helped.
"I was working twice as hard as men, hoping that someday, I'd be acknowledged." Amanda winced, unsure of the way she phrased her sentence "I wanted to be respected for my job I mean!"
"Yeah, yeah, I got you!" Kat reassured.
"Then, there's been this retirement party we all got invited. The usual boring stuff, but after that night, I could tell most of my colleagues looked at me differently."
"Different how?"
"I upgraded from woman to slut!" Amanda blurted heartlessly. "I swear I didn't.. nothing happened with anyone!" Her tone was defensive, like she was on trial.
"Hey! We believe you!" Olivia soothed.
Amanda couldn't taste her own pain. But the sound of Olivia's voice, the level of care, felt like a knife had been planted to her chest. The woman took a long deep breath and somehow, shook the pain away. "To that day, I still don't know where the rumor started."
"That's awful!" Kat declared.
"Again, I didn't think much about it in the moment. If you only live with a grey sky above your head, you have no idea what the sun looks like. That's only when you finally get to see the sun, that you realize how heavy living under the grey sky was. Does that make sense?"
"It does! I'm sorry you had to go through this Amanda." Kat said with empathy.
A bitter laugh escaped Amanda's mouth. Kat thought that she was done, when she hadn't even started.
"I can't do this. I can't Olivia!" Amanda's past didn't seem as distant now that she set the scene. And she didn't want to play her part anymore. She was done.
"Hey… look at me Amanda. You've got this!" Olivia was still trying to establish eye contact, before Amanda would shut down completely when Kat interrupted.
"What happened with Patton?"
Liv's disapproving look quickly followed and the officer tried to take back what she said. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me!"
"That's a good question, actually."