Here's the last chapter of this story. I hope you'll like it!
For another fiction, I'd like to try something new. Would you give me an episode, obviously focused on Amanda and Olivia, and I'll just try to write a story around it? (I'm still not sure if I can be inspired like this, but I'd love to give it a try.)
Thank you so much for the guest who gave me advice about my using of exclamation mark. I think I see what you mean, even though I'm not quite sure. It's challenging to appropriate another language, and punctuation definitely is something I need to practice. I really appreciated your remark and tried to keep it in mind, but feel free to tell me if you have a specific example where exclamation doesn't fit. Hopefully, I'll get better at it. I love English so much, I just want to improve.
A Million dreams: so you know, you don't receive a notification when someone sends you a PM on this site. I did answer you. (No pressure, just letting you know that I have not forgotten you).
I've really loved writing this story.
Bless you!
Amanda curled up into a ball. She closed her eyes and forgot about the outside world. The plan was to just be able to put enough distance between her and the past. She seemed asleep, peaceful. Like in a middle of a power cut, she turned her feelings off and the guilt stopped instantly. The humiliation, the fear, all gone. If you pretend long enough, after a while, it's like nothing did happen. Even though her body was there, her spirit had vanished. She felt neither good, nor bad. She just wasn't there.
Kat was staring at her boss, hoping the captain would know what to do, but Olivia's worried eyes didn't provide much reassurance.
"Honey.."
"Don't call me that." Every time Olivia used a pet name, it warmed up her heart. Tenderness was the last thing Amanda needed.
The rejection saddened her, but it mostly confirmed that something was off key. "I'm sorry. How do you want me to call you?"
Amanda almost answered that they could refer to her as Rollins, but Olivia would have taken up the hint and tried to uproot her from the indifference she so much craved. She stayed quiet instead.
"Do you want to stop?" Olivia thought it would probably be wise to give a break to the mentally and physically exhausted woman.
"Kat is supposed to ask the questions here. Her next one should be: did you say no, or stop?"
Amanda's sarcastic tone towards such a sensitive topic made Olivia shiver. Again, Kat looked up to her captain, her eyes filled with incomprehension.
"We're both really concerned about you right now. Can you tell us how you feel?"
"I don't feel. So, I can keep going." Giving up has always been the only option for cowards like her anyway.
"No. Mm-hmm." Olivia firmly opposed, getting up of the bed and kneeling down in front of Amanda, so that she could meet her eyes.
"Olivia Benson asking a woman not to tell her story. That's a first."
"You're in charge here. Do you hear me? We will not violate your privacy. We will not take advantage of you." Sharing one's story is only empowering if it is a choice.
Amanda let the words sink in. The powerlessness she felt when Patton violently threw her on the bed, denying her dignity, initiated a silent revolt inside her being. And here was Olivia, who's been encouraging her to open up for years and yet, categorically refused to listen, if that's not what she wanted. Amanda has never felt so deeply, so fully respected.
The sobs she refused to acknowledge started a deluge on the inside. Her body started to shake. Her bare legs were fiercely convulsing against the mattress, the hammering sound reminding of the rain drops hitting the concrete in the middle of a storm.
Without losing any time, Olivia freed the cover upon which Amanda was lying, and she enveloped the trembling woman with it. "It's over now." The brunette lay down as well, enveloping Amanda into her arms, offering an additional safety measure. "He'll never touch you again."
Kat, overwhelmed by the excruciating scene unfolding before her eyes, turned her head on the side, allowing her own tears to break free.
"I'm ready now." Amanda sounded tired, but decided.
"Are you sure?"
Amanda straightened up, holding the blanket closely against her body. "Yes Olivia, I'm sure."
"Kat, will you ask me again?"
Olivia, known for her eyes behind the head, had obviously noticed Kat's attempt to hide her own pain. "Hey, you ok?" She asked the officer, making sure everyone was in an adequate state of mind.
"What happened with Patton?" Kat asked for the second time.
The question hurt like a piercing cut. "My sister was trouble, but that's for another story. When she got arrested, Patton called me into his office. It was late, nobody was around. He said we could make this go away." Amanda was recalling her head to head with Fin from a few years ago. That day in the bar, if he'd pushed her a little further, she would have told him the truth. Fin could have broken her, get the truth out of her, but he chose to show some respect, instead. For a minute, she considered calling Fin, she wanted him there, but she soon decided against it, thinking he might actually not be able to handle this.
"I met him in a motel."
Since Amanda didn't continue right away, Kat figured out she was probably waiting for some kind of validation. "Ok." She nodded in agreement.
Amanda was not prepared for the sympathy though. When would someone finally put the blame on her?
"He was your superior officer Amanda. He intimidated you, he abused his power, he's been abusing it for years." Olivia reminded, with nothing but goodness.
Amanda shook her head. "He was drunk, I could tell right away. I'm the chief, I make the rules, he bragged." Amanda massaged the side of her head. Hopefully, it'd be enough to get his haunting voice out of her head. "He locked up the door and leaned against it. He asked me to come closer, but I didn't want to do this anymore."
"Did you tell him?"
Amanda closed her eyes and breathed just a little of the fear she'd felt that day. "Please, just let me go!" her quivering voice translated some of the terror she must have felt. "Yes, I told him. I begged him to stop shouting." His devil-shaped-eyebrows intensified the darkness in his eyes. "In that moment, he didn't look human to me." Amanda's face contorted at the visualization of his face, but Kat brought her back to the present moment.
"Then, what happened?"
"He said he wouldn't take no for an answer. I tried to escape, but he got rough." Here was his face again, the predatory look of a brute ready to capture his pray, whatever the consequences.
Looking for an anchor, Amanda extended her arm from under the blanket. She turned around to meet Liv, who offered her own hand in return. "You're safe with me."
"Where was I? He got rough, pushed me against the bed, I… hit my head. My vision was blurry, but I could hear his barbarous breath when he climbed on top of me. At this moment, I gave up."
"He raped you?" Kat asked.
She accepted to meet him, she then chose not to fight him. "I let him do whatever." Amanda admitted in defeated.
Olivia's heart skipped a bit. "Sweetheart, you said no." Amanda's pain could never erased, but the guilt was an unnecessary weight on her shoulders.
"I said no." Amanda repeated. "I said no." She started to sob. "I said no." She grabbed at her chest. "I said no, Liv!" she finally cried out of anger, realizing for the first time that that she was not responsible for her assault. Amanda sank into Olivia's embrace, discharging herself from the relentless pain that has been keeping her down for years. The captain strongly held her friend, wishing she were able to transfer some of her own strength through the simple gesture of comfort she was providing. Tears of anguish melted with tears of relief. "I'm ok." She kept repeating yet clinging to Olivia's shoulders for dear life. "I'm ok." It hurt and yet, in the middle of the storm, she finally got to see her light. Amanda didn't deserve to be loved despise where she had wandered, she deserved to be loved, period. "I'm ok." The feeling of a freedom she didn't even know existed was finally palpable. She was reclaiming her power back.
"Here, have a sip of water." Olivia nodded thankfully to Kat handing the beverage, while she guided the glass to Amanda's lips.
After a while, the room got quiet. Amanda crumbled on the bed, and they turned off the light. "I don't want to fall asleep." Yet, her respiration had deepened, her body dangerously reclaiming a regeneration that only rest could provide.
"Just close your eyes then." Olivia suggested, lightly stroking the blonde's curled hair. As expected, it didn't take long for Amanda to succumb.
A few hours later, the sun illuminated the room. Olivia and Kat got ready, Fin has been briefed about the intense night they've spent, while Amanda was still peacefully asleep. "Shouldn't we let her rest?" Kat asked, still affected by the injustice she couldn't help but feel about the whole situation. It was a lot to take in.
Olivia shook her head. "If she wakes up alone in a hotel room, she'll freak out."
"Why don't you go ahead? I'll just stay with her for a while." Fin didn't mind missing part of the conference, au contraire.
Olivia glanced at him, perfectly aware of his ruse to avoid the colloquium, but Amanda indeed needed to regain some energy.
It was almost midday when Fin and Amanda joined the conference. It was a different day, and she felt like a different person. Of course, she'd still dread the shabby looks she would have to ignore. But the power she'd gained by telling her story was already showing benefits.
"Just say the words and I will end the guy." Fin whispered in a joking tone even though he couldn't be more serious. Everyone was hanging in the hall where some cocktails were being served, and Amanda felt a little bit crowded. "I know Fin, that's what I'm worried about. Seriously though, your support means a lot."
"There you are!" Olivia gently stroke Amanda's arm. "Are you doing better?"
"Much better. Thank you Olivia, for everything."
Amanda also wanted to interact with Kat, but the officer was busy scanning the assembly. "There!" Kat exclaimed, even though no one knew what she was talking about. "Come with me, play along!" The young brunette was walking with firm steps while the team was trying to figure out where she was headed. When they noticed she was aiming towards Sam Reynolds, they all rushed around her. Amanda blinked a few times, trying to calm down her racing heart.
At some point, Sam found himself eye to eye with Olivia, unable to deviate his trajectory.
"Captain Olivia Benson!" He greeted. "How are you enjoying Atlanta?"
Olivia made a mental note about still needing to work on Kat's impulsivity, while trying her best to interpret Kat's pleading stare. Sadly though, Liv didn't have a clue about what was crossing Kat's mind and why she so badly wanted to talk with Sam. Hoping it would go for the best, she introduced the newest member of the team.
"Officer Tamin, meet Captain Sam Reynolds!"
"We've met. He's the guy who raped Rollins, right?" Kat spat as loudly as the situation allowed her to. Her spunky remark silenced the people around them right away. Amanda, a little reluctant but mostly amused, could not believe her ears. Fin was ecstatic!
"You have to excuse her, she's new!" Olivia's apparent tone of apology presaged a great repartee. "Sam is the one who didn't do anything about it." The captain rectified, without hiding her satisfaction.
Sam just stood there, demeaned and outraged by the lack of professionalism. All eyes were now on him to Amanda's amusement.
"Silly me!" Kat gestured with irony one more time, before Sam angrily disappeared.
The whole team burst into laughter.
No one wandered alone while in Atlanta, just like Olivia said.