Hello everyone.
I have before written a few oneshots that have been in memory of someone. One for Cory Monteith, one for Luke Perry, one for Cameron Boyce and one for our dog Jippie.
I was searching through IMDB a bit to see where all actors I watched when I was little have ended up. And I found actually that Cathy Godbold passed away from a brain tumor two years ago.
Actually, May is supposed to be "Go grey in May" wearing grey for brain tumor awareness. And she died May the Fourth so I'll try and get this finished so I can put it up then (as I'm writing this it's April the fourteenth and I have about 1 500 words written) So I hope I can make it.
(Written April twenty seventh- I finished last night, as you can see I did it with a week to spare)
This oneshot is set after the two first TV series of the saddle club. Nothing that happens in the books or series three matters.
I was thinking maybe Maxime/ Maxi looks like Aurora from crazy pieces.
Maybe Aurora suits for more than one reason- she does have Epilepsy.
Told from Max's pov.
Written in memory of Catherine Malia Godbold
Now
How could this have happened to us out of all people?
There were billions of people on this earth.
What had happened, and was still happening couldn't have happened to us.
I and Deb were supposed to have a life together, grow old together, have many kids and grandkids after that- together.
Maybe we would even get to live long enough to have great grandkids together. All of it, all our lives- together.
And here I was alone.
I hadn't even turned forty yet. And Deb would never get the chance to.
Next to me was our three-year-old daughter Maxime standing and held tightly onto my hand- so tightly it almost hurt.
But we weren't really here? Could we? This would all disappear and the past year would turn out all to be a dream- a nightmare.
Right?
There was no way we had a casket with her mother's name on it. Was it?
There was no way Maxi had drawn a picture of her mum in heaven and walked forward to lie it and a rose on top of the casket before she took a step back and buried her face in the fabric of my dress suit.
The thing about death wasn't so easy for someone who hadn't even turned four to understand. And I knew that while I just couldn't understand how or why this had happened.
Because after all, this had really happened.
This was my new reality and it wasn't a dream.
"Come here." I leaned down and lifted Maxi up. Her sobs and quick breaths were silented when she pushed her face into my suit. "There there." I rocked her slightly back and forth. "It's okay. It'll be okay."
This wasn't okay- not any little bit of this was okay and it wasn't ever going to be after our daughter lost the one and only who was supposed to have a bigger role than any one else in her life this young…
If we had only taken this more seriously when they had started happening.
If we had only forced the doctors to take more tests the first time Deb went to see one.
Maybe if we hadn't let it go so far before we reacted then we would never have gotten to this point…
Nine months ago
"Can't you see I'm cooking?" I heard Deb yelling from in the kitchen when Maxi ran inside. "Now, what would happen if you came in running like that and grabbed the pot? I can tell you what would have happen. You would have gotten the whole thing over you and I would have had to… I would have had to… I…"
Just as I came into the kitchen Deb silent and laid a palm over her forehead.
I couldn't help but notice that lately she had been so… unlike herself. Moody and stressed out at exactly all times. And then in the middle of a sentence like she had been half- shouting now she'd suddenly forget the words.
"I think…" As I came into the kitchen our three- year- old daughter Maxime, or Maxi as we called her ran up to me and I lifted her up on my hip. "…I think it just startled mummy when you came in like that…" Maxi nodded sadly- there was nothing that made her sadder than knowing I or her mum was upset and a tear rolled down her cheek. "…And she was afraid you could get hurt. You know we don't want you to get hurt."
Anger shining with her every move Deb turned her back at us and kept cooking.
"Hurt? Get hurt?"
She was almost shouting again, and still turned away from us.
"I'm afraid that someone will look at me and say I'm a bad mum because I couldn't keep an eye on my daughter so she got hurt. Do you know how many people out there will be thinking of that?"
I knew it was every parent's worst nightmare (after the one of losing a child) to be named a bad parent. And there would always be someone who ought to think so no matter what you did.
"You're not a bad mum." Maxi said before I'd found the words. "You're the best mum I have."
"I'M THE ONLY MUM YOU HAVE."
I felt the frown in my forehead going even deeper. I knew Deb could be annoyed about some things but she'd never shout at anyone like that and especially not at Maxi.
New tears started rolling down Maxi's cheeks and I stroke her back as well as I could still holding her.
"I and mummy need to talk for a minute." I told her and let her down to the floor. "You go and change from your stable clohes, okay?" Maxi nodded and then sadly walked down the hallway and I heard her continue up the stairs. "Deb… This isn't like you. And I think you know that. If this continues then you just have to go see a doctor."
"I've been seeing a doctor. He told me I was fine and that the life when you have an infant or toddler is stressful and a lot of mothers- no matter how bad or good they are changed. And it's not like you're helping out a lot around here."
"Of course I do. I bring her with me…"
"And how safe is the stables for a tree year old?"
"Safer than you know because everyone has an eye on her at all times. Deb… Please go see a doctor."
"Or what?"
I really hated what I would have to say next.
"Or you will have to move out of here- to your parents or somewhere and I will take care of Maxi until you can behave fairly again…."
Deb laid the knife she was holding towards the counter with a bang and then span around to finally face me while she was panting.
"So what am I doing that isn't good enough for you?"
I laid my hand towards my forehead. Hadn't we already been through this?
But it was my turn to forget what I was going to say when I couldn't help but worry when I saw her turn around again, grab onto the counter as if she was very dizzy and laid a hand on her head.
"Headache again?"
"How could it not be? We have a toddler Max. And for every minute of the day I constantly think and worry about her. I don't think any man or father could ever understand that stress. And you're only making it worse."
"Deb. This isn't about just stress and I know it. I think you know it too."
Now
If I'd just made Deb take it all seriously already before the fight we had had in the kitchen…
There were so many people on this earth.
These things just couldn't happen to us and maybe already then I had tried and talked myself into that so many of them were parents whom went moody and tired after having a baby and a toddler.
How could it ever have passed my mind that I would be sitting in a church with a three year old girl next to me who I had tried to explain what death and forever meant.
How could I ever wondered about if I failed to listen to the preacher who stood in front of all of us talking about dying before she had the time to do anything or about being a wife, a daughter and a mother.
And I definitely wouldn't have any time understood how I would have to wonder about how I'd make the rest of my life without my other half.
Six months ago
"We have the photos from your MRI back here."
Three months after that "talk" in the kitchen, more confusion and mood swings and more fights and finally two grad mal seizures the doctors had finally taken Deb seriously and I had gone with her to a doctor's visit a few days after some MRI's.
"You…" Understandabley enough Deb seemed more scared than I had ever seen her before. "You wouldn't call for me in another couple of weeks if the MRI hadn't shown anything. Right? So what do they show? They must show something bad…"
"Let's not draw the devil on the wall before he's actually there." The doctor held us the MRI pictures of Deb's brain. I wasn't a doctor but even I could see the thick, strange mass that wasn't supposed to be anywhere near her was in between the brain and the skull bone. "See that?" He pointed to the picture with his pen. "I think we all know that that isn't supposed to be there…"
"Is it cancer?"
"Mr. Regnery…" The doctor hung the pen back in his coat pocket. "I see… a lot of patients and family members here every year, every day actually. Each and every single one are afraid they could have cancer…"
"But… This thing in my brain… my brain. My head- that isn't supposed to be there…"
"You'll have to have surgery as soon as possible to remove it since it's putting pressure onn the brain. But chances are and most likely it's a benign tumor. There'll be side effects from the surgery yes. They could last for the rest of your life, yes. But the whole thing will be taken out and not at any risk of coming back and you haven't got to worry about it for the rest of your life… Now. If we go back to where we started. He took the pen again and pointed to the tumor. "This is the frontallobe. With a mass here it's caused personality changes and mood swings. It caused when you forgot about the words and when you stumbled or fumbled. And then when it put pressure on the brain it caused seizures… Now. Soon it will be long gone and you don't have to worry again."
"But it could still be cancer?"
I hated the thought as much as I should, but I couldn't help asking.
"Like I said- lets not draw that devil on the wall until he's actually there. Because once it's there it's hard to get rid of. And it grows bigger and bigger until it takes over your whole selves. And then maybe for nothing you needn't worry about all along. This might look scary now but big chances are it's actuallt nothing to worry about and you've got a whole, healthy life ahead of you."
Now
Some time during the service I felt a new kind of feeling go through me. The feeling of how real this was. The feeling when I could no longer try and pretend this wasn't for real…
This might look scary now but big chances are it's actuallt nothing to worry about and you've got a whole, healthy life ahead of you.
It had barely been six months since Dr. Jones spoke those words. And maybe something in me had known already then that he was wrong and that monster would grow itself just as big as he talked about without us having to help it to.
Maybe something in me had always known that despite what Dr. Jones had said. That devil had been on the wall all along…
Maybe something in me had just known it would be fast- way too fast…
I looked down to my side and Maxime.
The day that Deb had started yelling at Maxi in the kitchen felt like a thousand years ago yet like yesterday. But Maxi's age still gave me perspective of how little time had passed.
That day in the kitchen Maxi had just turned three, now it was still more two months until she'd turn four.
I tried not to remember the last time Deb had been around for Maxi's birthday. She had had such a headache she hadn't made it out of bed for most of the daya. When she came up towards the night she had been furious when Maxi said something about a thing she didn't get.
It wasn't that big of deal, Maxi was just another three-year-old, she was happy and beyond grateful for everything she had gotten…
"I didn't get that soft, stuffed horse I saw at the store…"
"But what about the things you did get?" Deb almost yelled at Maxi. "Why can't you ever be the tiny bit grateful instead of just seeing what you didn't get? After everyone have been doing their best to…"
"HEY." I finally had the time to interrupt. "Stop doing that. You didn't even get to finish Maxi…" Maxi came over to me and hugged my leg. "And you're very good at acting gratefully, whether you get what you want or not."
"Fine." Deb slammed the glass down into the counter so hard it cracked. "Whatever."
Without anything else she stomped through the kitchen and down the hallway.
For every time Deb acted like this it made me more and more sure that her acting wasn't just about stress but about something else…
"I just wanted to say that it didn't matter that I didn't get a stuffed horse because I liked everything I got."…
Six months ago
Deb had gotten to have surgery only a few days after her first visit at the doctor's. We had expected to have to wait after that to hear anything back. So when Dr. Jones came to the ward and sat down by Deb's bed next to me it scared us both- just as well as the expression he had on his face.
"I'm afraid that the the tests didn't show what we had hoped for…"
To say the least…
"I just don't understand what's happening…"
"That would be caused by the tumor…" It sounded like Dr. Jones was almost crying even though he seemed to want to stay positive. "…We got the results back on the tumor that we removed."
None of us had to ask- we could see on the look on his face what he was going to say.
"I have cancer!"
It didn't have to be a question from either of us.
Still Deb was just the only one who dared saying. As if the longer we waited with saying it would make the less chance of it being true.
"Yes." The doctor didn't have to say it but he did anyway. "You have cancer. We will check but we don't know if it has spread to any other part of your body yet. And if it hasn't then…"
"Excuse me. But I just can't trust you… So don't you even continue speaking- I want another doctor do you hear me? Never will I ever again listen to a word you say… You said… you said this wouldn't be cancer and that the surgery would prove…"
"I know what I said." Dr. Jones had turned bright red in the face. "And believe me I wish I hadn't. But you just seeem to be one in… a thousand, a million- I don't even know. And I understand why you don't want to see me again too. But now, listen to me- you're still young. Had you been sixty or older the odds would have looked much, much worse than they are right now…. Do you remember what I said about the devil…"
"Shut up about your stupid devil. He is on the wall whether you- or we want to see it or not. And he's enough as it is right now. But I I still have to do this. I will get sicker than… I could ever know right now... I might not be here to raise my own child."
Now
I had just been trying to stay away from the thought that kept me from hoping at all.
I just wanted to hope so badly that devil would stay away.
During the funeral I didn't hear a word of what the preacher was saying and wanted to keep away from thinking about the devil…
It didn't matter. No matter what I tried to think and no matter what words would be used about it it had still happened. I was still at church for the first time in years and I still knew that no matter how I tried to hope it hadn't happened it had.
I couldn't hear a word of what the preacher was saying. Then suddenly we were leaving the church and six men took hold of the casket and carried it through the aisle
Red took one grip, Scooter took one…
Right after them walked Deb's parents and right after them I and Maxi.
How was I supposed to understand that my late wife, their late daughter and Maxi's late mum was among all of us, ahead of all of us as of right now. But was never going to open her eyes and be with us again.
It was one thing for today. But, the days harder than the others- how was I supposed to explain that to Maxi when she wanted her mum?
Everything had just gone so fast. Barely six months had passed since we had first found out about Deb's cancer, and before that only three months since things had gotten out of hand.
As I handed Maxi for my mum to hold her and put her in the toddler car seat I got into the driver's seat and turned the key.
It was a good thing mum already knew how to sort out the straps of Maxi's seat because I wouldn't have been able to…
Hadn't it been that I was only going to follow the hearse and Deb's parents' car we would defenitely have been in a car crash as I'd forgotten what direction we were going in.
It was only a ten minute road to the graveyard. And then half of that back to a community center we had gotten to rent for a memorial service.
And there were pretty much the main road forward at all times.
Still I would have forgotten the directions…
And that really before we could all get to the graveyard and stood around the hole in the ground.
How many times hadn't I driven past here on the road? And seen that a new hole had been dug up and wondered who it was for this time and how their friends and family were doing? What they'd been dying from and if they'd died at old age or died way too soon like my Deb?
If it had been sudden like in an accident. If they had been ill for years and years. If there had been somewhere in the middle and they'd gotten sick…
Maybe they'd tried with everything to believe that things would go well. And from that moment on it had just gotten worse and worse.
Even though they tried with everything to try and keep positive from the start.
Six months ago
"Max?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you for coming with me. I know I've been a pain in the butt lately…"
"I know you can't help it."
I and Deb were at the hospital, we sat in each arm chair. Waiting for a doctor or a nurse to come with an IV bag to come with the poison that would fill up Deb's body to try and save her.
But to what cost?
"Here we go." Doctor Jane came into the room. "As you can see there's a bed, some chairs and a table. Then also a warderobe and of course a bathroom with a bathtub if you so want to use it. Out in the hallway there's also a kitchen and living room where patients and friends and family gather instead of sitting in each room. But of course, you're the boss. And all of these, you're allowed to use any way you want… Now."
Dr. Jane hung the IV bag on the pole and took the needle to push it into Deb's pale- skinned arrm.
"No…" With tears in her eyes Deb pulled her arms closer to her body. "No, I'm not doing this. I'll find another way…"
"Sadly." Dr. Jane said, looking kindly into Deb's eyes. "I don't think there is another way… And I think you know that too."
Deb started shaking with silent sobs, leaned over the arm supports and into my shoulder. I laid my arm around hers and wondered what on earth I was going to do.
"Here…" Dr. Jane pushed a rolling, metal table towards Deb. "Lay your arm up here."
New tears rose in Deb's eyes and she leaned her head towards my shoulder again…
"I'm scared Max…"
Whatever wouldn't I have done to take this for her and make myself ill?
"I know love." I tried to soothe her. "But… I promise you I'll be here. Okay? That's what's most important. You won't be alone…. And remember that expression that Dr. Jones used. I know it doesn't feel like it now. But maybe things won't turn out exactly as bad as we're afraid of…"
"You hear yourself how stupid that sounds." Deb sobbed again. "You too know perfectly well what will happen?"
"Actually." Dr. Jane made part of the conversation. "Dr. Jones is one of the best doctors around… And I know the expressions he keeps using can be very annoying. But… as he says. There's no point woth worrying for something that might never be… And no matter what you think you know…" Dr. Jane held up the IV bag. "It can be very different from one person to the other how you react to this." Deb sobbed again towards my shirt but didn't say anything… "Deborah." Dr. Jane said slowly. "You don't have a choice. It's either this or you're going to get worse and worse until you… pass away… and we don't want that. Do we?"
Now
Still, Deb had gotten worse and worse- quickly until she passed away and all promises had been broken.
Let's not draw the devil on the wall until he's actually there.
That was what the doctor had said.
First the devil on the wall had been if Deb was sick on the wall.
Then if it was a tumor.
Then if it was cancer.
Then wondering how sick Deb would get.
And then…
I couldn't hear a word of what the preacher said in the graveyard. Just like I hadn't heard what he had said in the church. Everything I heard were people sobbing and sniveling, everything I saw was the white, wooden casket being sunken into the hole, and everything I felt was Maxi's little hand in my big one.
The only thing I knew I was doing was when we turned around was I took a few steps until I felt Maxi's small hand tugging my jacket.
"What is it?" I kneeled in front of her but didn't get an answer. "What is it baby girl? Whoa." When Maxi had moved her hand to her mouth I should have understood what was coming before she threw up right on me. "Whoa." First once, and then twice before she was left coughing and wiping her mouth with her sleeve.
"You poor thing." Mum was over in a second before I had any idea of what to do. "Here…" She pulled out a tissue from her pocket and wiped Maxi around her mouth. "Are you alright now?"
"Will I be sick? Will I be sick and die like mummy?"
"No. But when you're really sad and crying and crying and crying then it can upset your stomach." Mum hugged her as good as she could with one arm. "Do you feel nauseas more? Like you're going to throw up again?" Maxi shook her head. "That's good…." She turned towards me. "Did you bring anything else for her to wear."
"No." I put a hand to my forehead. "I should have done that. I should have known something like this would happen."
Mum bit her lip and looked around to see if there was anything.
"It's not exactly the worst that could happen. Somewhere around here there's got to be something else that we can borrow for her to wear."
"You can use my cardigan."
I heard a young girl's voice next to me, to Carole in a dark dress and a dark purple cardigan.
"Are you sure? It's quite cold here so you might get cold."
"I'm sure. That doesn't matter." She unbuttoned it and handed it to my mum. "It won't fit her any good but at least it's something to wear that isn't…. well. You know what I mean."
"But…" Maxi looked down on the mess she'd made and then looked up and to the preacher who had come right by. "…I made a mess…"
"We have janitors here who work around the graveyard with cutting grass and filling up the holes with earth and sort out flower pots. They'll be right over and clean it up. And besides, I think they've been calling for rain. So don't you worry about it… And let's be grateful you didn't throw up right on a grave. Okay?"
Maxi nodded slightly and the kind old man stroke her hair slightly.
"Do you want to borrow a shirt too?"
"Oh." I'd completely forgotten the fact that I had vomit all over the front of my jacket. "No. I'll be fine if I just have the buttonup on…"
"Come on." Mum strictly pushed me towards the car. "Get that off…"
"Did Maxi…"
"Don't worry about it." Mum stroke my cheek. "I'll sort it out."
I sent Carole a grateful look, then for the first time turned my back on Deb's gravestone and walked up towards the cars…
In my head was echoing Maxi's voice when she, after throwing up from an upset stomach suddenly panicked over getting sick.
How dared that devil do all of this to us. To me too and to Deb…
But to Maxime….
How was I going to take worries as she got older and needed her mum?
Three months ago
Three months had passed since the diagnosis, and treatment was taking a toll on Deb's body. Pretty much like we had always known it would.
Many days Deb didn't leave the bed, only lying there, lights turned off and with a cloth over her forehead. Only getting up when she'd get sick again into the bucket that she had learnt to keep by her side.
There were few days when everything seemed almost normal, the days that the last doses of chemo were far over and the nearest were close she got out of bed, played some with Maxi, took a walk, cooked a meal that she'd actually eat… well, sometimes.
Other days were like this one. Deb had ended up just as horse- bitten as I'd always been. And Deb was now one of two (Maxi being the other) who could come into the stables by now that my mum wouldn't find anything to do for…
By then she'd sit in a corner of Patch's stall, and as if he knew what she'd need he'd be lying down next to her, sometimes enjoying the time and seem almost asleep at being petted. And sometimes getting up in Deb's face, tingling her nose and her cheek and made her laugh…
Those were the only times that one could hear Deb laugh for almost a year.
By those times I could stand by and watch them for hours- but of course there was work to be done still…
"Where's Maxi?"
It was during one of those days that I came up only to get Deb and go that Deb was half asleep, still about to ask the most important question.
"She went home with Stevie and the girls." I reassured her. "And… they left these…"
I held up a tupperware box Stevie had left with her famous chocolate- chip muffins. Deb hadn't eaten since yesterday morning so maybe this could do the trick.
Patch sighed at me as if he felt what Deb was feeling right now. Deb leaned her head into his neck and he sighed in well- being again.
"I can't." Deb whimpered. "I'm sorry…"
I didn't answer- I couldn't figure what. Instead I opened the door to the stall, went inside and sat down next to Deb. Patch looked weirdly at me as if he wanted to make sure I wasn't going to hurt her.
Deb hung her head at first, but when I laid my arm around her shoulders she looked up.
I would have kissed her lips, but her lips- and the whole insides of her mouth was covered in red and swollen blisters and wounds. As a side effect from the cemotherapy, seeing them had me wondering if I'd have to take her to the hospital again for an IV if she couldn't eat and not even drink anything…
Deb hated the hospital, I hated hosputals too but she did it ten times worse after a stomach flu when she was five…
Every now and then I heard Dr. Jones' voice inside my head.
Let's not draw the devil on the wall until he's actually there.
With a kiss towards Deb forehead I decided not to force Deb to the hospital tonight. Then if I wouldn't have to tomorrow neither it would be unnecessary to worry about it now.
Before I heard that expression from the doctor I had never heard it. And it was many times since then we had learnt what it meant with the Devil on the wall.
Like a fly on the wall always among us…
"Where's Maxi?"
Sometimes when I gave her an answer it only took Deb a few minutes, even seconds before she'd forgotten the answer.
Or maybe she just wanted to make sure she could rest.
"At Stevie's. She'll be there tonight."
We were quiet for another while, I didn't know what more to say. As a mother the only thing that Deb wanted was for Maxi to be safe and happy…
"She likes it there."
Deb was the first one to say anything at all and I agreed.
"She does. And the girls love her too… I have to say she was quite excited when the girls came to get her in the office."
I could almost hear the way Deb smiled weakly. And obviously Patch did too because he looked at her and seemed to be smiling before he pushed my arm slightly with his mule.
"Fine…" I reached out and started stratching his back while Deb continued scratching his forehead while he had his head lying on her lap. "You are one spoiled horse. You know that right?"
"The thing is…" Deb started. "…With me here, you here and Patch and Maxi's at the girls' and… it's just so… normal… and for a few moments every time I can just forget… you know what!"
Now
"There are some people I need to talk to." On the memorial, as we had eaten Deb's late favorites- pasta salad with salmon and later chocolate cake. "...Do you want to come with me Maxi?"
Maxi shook her head, and I wasn't going to pressure her into anything she didn't want to do.
"Girls." I found the saddle club among all people here. "I... I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am." I hit my hands together and tried to smile at them. "I... We could never have gotten through things if we didn't have anywhere or anyone that could care for Maxime. And that even if they were doing something completely different so... I just wanted to say... Thank you."
"It's been great fun having Maxi on a sleepover. I mean... it doesn't matter that it's fun... I mean..."
"Of course it matters." I held up my hands to silent Stevie. "During all of this one of the few things that made me… us feel good and relieved was to know that at least Maxi was well taken care of. And I never doubted for one moment that she would be with you…"
The girls gave each small smile and I could almost hear what was said in between them.
"You three should be very proud of yourselves."
The three girls looked to each other and I stood up and showed them to come. As I hugged them all three at once there was more than one tear shed before we let go again.
"I know I am…" I said when I took a step back. "…I am very proud of you and I'm so happy that we and you have each other."
Two weeks ago
So this was the end.
Was this really the end?
Six months had passed since the diagnosis- six months- six long months but six months way too short.
What was six months and seven years of marriage compared to a whole lifetime together...
Everything had just gone so quickly.
Maybe we'd known all along this was the way it would be.
I was in a quiet, almost dark hospital room in the part of the hospital for palliative care. The doors were closed in between the room and the hallway...
There were noises, but it was like the only noise that could reach through to my ears into my head. Because the only things I heard was the machine with hoses and chords that went into my Deb and beeped with her every heartbeat, and then her short, shallow breaths.
I jumped when a doctor came in and checked her heartbeats and breathing for the millionth time today, as if that would change anything.
"It's not much left now." The doctor told me. "You can talk to her and touch her all you want... Maybe there's still something in her that can still hear and feel it but I wouldn't make any promises about that."
The doctor left again and I was in loss of what to do just as I had been the last two days until we came here.
At last I reached out and took her hand and wrapped my fingers tightly around hers.
Most part of me wanted to break down crying, yell and scream at her to wake up and come back.
"It's okay..." I stroke her cheek. "...You've been so strong. It's okay to let go."
Her eyes were closed and would never open again.
I couldn't see her heart beating. I just knew that my heart still beat for her and would every second for the rest of my life, no matter how long it would be.
"We'll be okay. I promise."
Maybe somewhere, deep into her mind she still knew what I was saying because something changed with every word I was saying. As I forced my voice heard and fought the tears away.
"I love you."
Now
How did this even happen?
At last I had to stand and wish everyone goodbye, it was me with Maxi right by my side, and Deb's parents on my other side. And loads and loads of shaking hands, hugs lifting Maxi up time and again so she could do wish goodbye to someone who couldn't get down to her height.
"Do you want her to stay with me tonight?" Mum was at last the only one left. "If you want some time on your own."
"Actually." I lifted Maxi up on my hip, I had done so many times today and I was starting to get tired... I would have been tired long ago if there hadn't been so much else to think about that was more important. "...I would rather take her home with me..."
I just had a feeling I didn't want to be alone.
"Okay." I could see in mum's eyes that she understood. "But it's still time to go..." I nodded, then lifted Maxi to her grandma for her to put her in her toddler care seat. "I can drive."
I handed her the car keys and went to say goodbye to Deb's parents. Lord would know if we'd know each other after this...
"What a day." I mumbled to myself. "What a day!"
As I sat in the back seat of my car and held my hand in Maxi's. I wondered how on earth I was going to raise a daughter by myself...
Let's not draw the devil on the wall until he's actually there.
Two weeks ago
People said that when a person died you could see their souls leaving their body...
I hadn't actually believed it before.
But as Deb drew her one, last breath it was clear when her whole person left her body to whatever there was to come next...
And then she was gone.
Now
And then finally, the first night since her mum was gone and buried, Maxi fell asleep on my lap while I sat leaned back on the couch...
...I didn't get a minute of sleep during that night.
And I wondered more than ever how I would deal with the rest of my life...
I tried to tell myself. But it was hard, and right now everything ahead of me looked dark and scary. And there was that devil in the middle of it all that I was more scared of than ever before.
Let's not draw the devil on the wall until he's actually there
What a huge, freaking devil.
I sort of like the way it's written with that switching in between then and now. I hope it wasn't confusing for readers.
Random fact (I always leave these at the end of chapters.)
"Let's not draw the devil on the wall until he's actually there." Is a Swedish expression. And it actually means a bit extra to me and for this story because I learnt it when a friend off mine kept telling me it when it was getting checked up if I had a brain tumor.
I hope you liked this even though it was really sad.
Rest in peace Cathy Godbold. September 23d 1974-May fourth 2018