feelings (that i need to tell you)
written for the quidditch league fanfiction competition, season 8, round 3 (reserve) for puddlemere united
chaser 3 task - wait for it: write about someone holding back from something.
lyric used: i'm willing to wait for it - (changed pronouns & tense to 'he was willing to wait for it')
prompts: 2. (object) book, 7. (quote) "because i knew you, i have been changed for good," and 13. (emotion) relief.
for my lovely wife shay, who was so excited when she found out that i was actually writing a theoblaise that ended happily x
thank you so much to my loves sylvia and june for beta-ing :)
word count without a/n's: 2,665
(fourth year.)
Sitting in the library, Blaise Zabini kept his eyes trained on his book, trying with determination to ignore his surroundings. He had a potions test tomorrow, and he had to focus, after all.
Across from him was the best friend that he'd had ever since before their first year at Hogwarts, Theo Nott, also studying for the same potions test.
These days, for some reason, Blaise felt a little different when he looked at Theo. His face would become more flushed, and he'd become more nervous, which didn't make any sense. He was deemed a generally confident person, so he didn't understand this foreign feeling, especially around his best friend, whom he could tell anything to.
He considered it shameful. How could he...like...his best friend? And even if he did, Theo was most likely straight.
"Earth to Blaise? Earth to Blaise?"
With a jump, Blaise was pulled out of his thoughts. "Are you alright?" asked Theo, furrowing his eyebrows with concern.
"Yeah, mate, I'm fine," assured Blaise, giving him one of his signature easygoing smiles. "What were you going to ask me?"
"Do you remember what the purpose of the Deflating Draught was?" asked Theo, poring over his potions book. "I just can't put my finger on it…"
The shameful feeling returned, and Blaise forcibly pushed it back, before he replied, "I think it's the one that reverses swelling? It has the same effects as the Swelling Solution, I think."
Theo's eyes lit up, as they always do when he masters a new concept. "Oh, yeah, I remember now! Thanks, Blaise, you're a lifesaver."
"No problem," he replied easily, focusing in on his own book.
"Theo? I was wondering if you and I could talk about something for a moment?" a female voice interrupted them, and the pair of best friends looked up to see Tracey Davis standing by their table. "Sorry to interrupt your study session," she said shyly, giving Blaise an apologetic look.
Tracey Davis was a sweet girl, and while she tried to hide it, the crush that she had on Theo was pretty obvious to anyone who was able to read faces. And it gave Blaise a weird, nauseating feeling in the stomach.
"Sure," said Theo. He was so oblivious; Blaise didn't think he even knew about Tracey's crush, much less any feelings that he would harbor. "We'll continue later, mate?"
"Of course," replied Blaise, his usual smile on his face. "Don't wait up for me."
(He watched the two of them leave the library together, ignoring the nausea that was quickly rising up inside of him.)
Music by the Weird Sisters rang throughout Blaise's ears as he looked around at all the people dancing at the Yule Ball. He'd gone with one of his good friends, Daphne Greengrass, but they went together for reputation more than anything else; they had no interest in each other, but they didn't want to be seen going alone.
Theo, meanwhile, went with Tracey. Blaise's eyes were glued to the pair as they waltzed together along the dance floor, and he noticed that they barely looked anywhere else but each other.
Once again, the weird and nauseating feeling came back.
Blaise saw the pair make their way over to himself and Daphne, and for a moment, he closed his eyes so that he wouldn't have to face them.
"Hey, Blaise! Are you guys having fun?" asked Theo brightly.
Blaise nodded. "We are, the food's delicious, and the music's great. You?"
"Oh, we're having a great time," gushed Tracey, answering for Theo. "You two should join us and dance, we'd love company on the floor!"
(The one annoying thing that Blaise found about Tracey Davis was how nice she was. There was no valid reason out there to dislike her.)
"You're right," said Daphne cheerily, answering for Blaise and grabbing his arm. "We should dance!"
Blaise hesitated, but Theo insisted. "C'mon, mate, it'll be fun! Besides...I think one of your favorite songs is starting to play…"
Theo was indeed right; Do the Hippogriff, one of his favorite Weird Sister songs, was indeed playing at the moment.
So the two pairs both went out on the dance floor, laughing and having fun while dancing to the music. He was having fun with Daphne, but the biggest highlight of the song was when Theo looked over at him and gave him a big grin.
Apparently Daphne wasn't as oblivious as Blaise thought — not that Daphne was in any way oblivious. She was one of the most observant people that he knew, but Blaise thought he'd be able to keep this from everyone.
"You like him, don't you?" she asked softly. When Blaise remained silent and avoided her gaze, she said, "Theo, I mean. You like-like him."
When he still remained silent, Daphne continued, "I don't judge, you know. People can love whoever they love."
"Daph," sighed Blaise. "Look at him and Tracey. Even if you were right, nothing can come of it."
"I mean...I don't know," said Daphne airily. "Tracey seems to be the one who has more of the crush…"
Blaise knew that nothing good could ever come out of telling Theo how he felt. Then he might not even get the chance to remain best friends with him.
(He was willing to wait for it. He had to hold back.)
(fifth year.)
Once again, Blaise found himself in the library, bent down over his Transfiguration materials, waiting for Theo. The two of them studying in the library was a common occurrence now, as OWLS were approaching rapidly, and they wanted to achieve the best scores possible.
He heard something from outside the library, and he looked to see Theo and Tracey snogging each other. That was also a common occurrence now, as they'd been dating for nearly six months.
Blaise thought that if his best friend was seeing someone, the feelings that he harbored would dissipate, but unfortunately it didn't work that way.
He watched them separate, but then he watched Theo say something. Tracey looked horrified, and he saw Theo holding his hands up in the air in surrender, as if taking it back. They then hugged quickly before Theo walked in the library to join Blaise, a strained look on his face.
"Sorry I'm a couple minutes late," said Theo apologetically.
"You're all good, is everything alright with you and Tracey, mate?" asked Blaise.
"Yeah…" sighed Theo. "Nothing I can't fix, at least."
"Did she do something to you?" asked Blaise, his voice a tad sharper than he meant it to be.
"No, no, of course not…" said Theo quickly, his eyes looking as if they were somewhere else. There was an unreadable emotion on his face, but Blaise couldn't quite catch what it was. "This is definitely on me. Not that I want to be doing anything wrong—"
Then, Blaise realized exactly what the emotion was. It was fear. Pure fear. Without thinking, he leaned over and placed his palm over Theo's. "You know that you can tell me anything, right mate?"
(It was true. The amount of secrets they'd kept for each other over the years was countless. Secrets that ranged from who still cuddled with stuffed animals at night, to who was afraid of the dark, to bigger secrets such as things their parents did, and the fact that Theo was bi.)
Theo nodded. He now had a smile on his face, but it wasn't the same. Something was wrong. Something was off. "Of course, mate. I know that."
With that, Theo tried avoiding the topic, no matter how much Blaise tried to carefully bring it back up, and they immersed themselves in studying and quizzing each other on topics involving Transfiguration, Charms, and Herbology.
Later that evening, Blaise saw Theo and Tracey snogging and laughing again. The incident was gone. Everything was back to normal.
Above all, he wanted Theo to be happy. As much as Daphne wanted him to confess, that'd probably make him more confused, and if Theo was happy with Tracey, then…
(He was willing to wait for it. He had to hold back.)
(sixth year.)
Over the summer and into sixth year, strained smiles and pale looks were no stranger to Theo, and bright smiles and complexions that were full of life that Blaise loved were mostly, if not completely out of the picture.
Something was wrong with his best friend, and Blaise for the life of him couldn't figure out what it was.
They sat together in the common room with their fellow Slytherins, but it was quiet. A quietness that began only this year.
"It sort of makes you miss when Malfoy used to rant for ages about Potter and we'd make bets on when they'd get together, doesn't it?" said Theo quietly to Blaise, who snickered.
Blaise nodded. "Yeah, it does. There's definitely been something off about him this year."
And you, as well, but Blaise wasn't going to say that.
"Can we go somewhere private?" asked Theo after a moment. "I need to tell you something...something I haven't told anyone."
"We can go up to the dorms, I don't think anyone's there. Or we could go into the bathroom and put on a Silencing Charm," suggested Blaise.
Theo nodded, his hands shaking. Blaise put his hand on top of Theo's for comfort, and for a moment, a flash of a moment, he was met with Theo's bright smile.
Once they got to the bathroom, Theo said a sentence Blaise thought that he'd never have to hear from him. "Due to my father...I'm being forced to join the Death Eaters."
Blaise's jaw dropped. He couldn't help it.
"You don't hate me, do you?" asked Theo, and his voice sounded small.
"There is absolutely no way on earth that I can hate you," said Blaise strongly. "I understand why you'd have to do it."
"I tried telling Tracey. I tried to gently tell her, hint towards it without saying it outright. She...well...she didn't understand. And last night, she ended things. Very harshly, I might add," said Theo honestly.
"Theo?"
"Blaise?" he replied.
"You do realize that we've been friends ever since we were five-year-olds, right?" asked Blaise honestly.
Theo nodded, looking at him. "For as long as I can remember...I still vaguely remember the party. You did not want to be there," he laughed. "You sat in a corner reading a book until I approached you."
"I'm glad I was forced to go," said Blaise. "Because I met you, and we made so many memories together, and...because I knew you, I have been changed for good. You're a good person at heart."
"You really think so?" asked Theo quietly.
"I know so," said Blaise firmly. "And…" he hesitated for a moment, taking a breath, before saying, "...Is there any way that I can tell you a secret of my own?"
"Anything," said Theo, and this time it was him that put a hand on top of Blaise's. "You can tell me anything."
"I—"
Could he?
"I like—"
He could. Now was the time, Blaise told himself, before Theo had to join the Death Eaters.
"I really like—"
He was going to.
"I really like dark chocolate."
...And it backfired. Once again, he held back.
Theo raised his eyebrow, bursting into laughter. "That's what you wanted to tell me, Blaise?"
"Yes," said Blaise, his voice completely serious. "That's exactly what I wanted to tell you."
The two laughed about it, before deciding to take books out to read, their favorite pastime. Blaise still couldn't stop the heavy pang that went through in his heart.
No, Blaise scolded himself sternly. War was approaching. Theo had to think about what the best way was to get out safely.
(He was willing to wait for it. He had to hold back.)
(seventh year.)
It seemed like all hope was lost.
Blaise knew Theo was now marked. The way he wore long sleeves all the time was the most obvious sign, but him now being more withdrawn than ever was the other. He rarely, if ever, talked to Blaise, but then again, he rarely if ever talked to anyone. If he had to sit with someone, though, it would always be Blaise. There were now direct parallels to the way he acted and the way Draco Malfoy acted, both seeming unsure and nervous of everything.
The Carrows made Blaise so uncomfortable. So, so, uncomfortable. He hoped Potter and his lot would just come out and win this thing so that there would be no more danger and that he and Theo could go back to normal.
A normal pair of best friends. A normal pair…
He entered the library on one chilly winter day, passing by Alecto while he gave a small shiver due to it. "Theo," greeted Blaise warmly, sitting next to the brunet boy, who didn't really acknowledge his presence. "Are you okay?"
Theo gave a small nod.
"You know you can tell me how you feel at any moment," said Blaise. It was always something that he put on the table, even if Theo rarely took advantage of that these days.
"I know," was Theo's reply. "I'm sorry for being so...absent...recently. There's just been a lot going on with…" he glanced at his sleeve, "...Everything."
He turned back to his book. Their shared pastime.
Tell him.
Now wasn't the time!
Tell. Him. Now was the time.
No. It. Wasn't.
Yes. It. Was.
Blaise nearly clapped a head to his forehead at the way the voices in his head were arguing with each other. He needed relief, he needed to say something…
No. Look at the state of Theo! Now wasn't the time!
(He was willing to wait for it. He had to hold back.)
Blaise was hiding as sounds of battle surrounded him. Most of his House and his other friends had evacuated, but he'd stayed behind, not to fight, but because he knew that Theo, his Theo, was being forced to fight on the opposing side.
He just wanted to know if Theo was safe. That's it.
Dodging hexes that were being thrown left and right between the light and the dark, Blaise scanned the crowd, looking for a familiar shade of brown hair.
It was definitely the time.
He finally saw Theo, trying to stay as far out of the Battle as possible, standing close by his father. Blaise's eyes widened in fear as he saw some sort of curse heading for a Death Eater, but Theo was in the way, so it was going to hit him instead.
One would've mistaken him for one of those impulsive Gryffindors as he ran straight through the middle of the Battle and landed on top of Theo, pulling him away from the curse.
"Blaise," said Theo breathlessly, his eyes filled to the brim with happiness. "You came—"
"I love you, Theo," said Blaise passionately, interrupting him. "I have since fourth year. And I know you might not feel the same way, and I completely understand, but I had to say it, and -"
Theo interrupted Blaise by putting his arms around him and snogging him, hard. The kiss was as passionate as Blaise had imagined it, and he'd never have believed this to come true. Relief flooded him now that this was off his shoulders.
"Does that answer your question?" asked Theo, raising an eyebrow. "It's always been you, mate...after my failed relationship with Tracey...I realized..."
"I wanted to wait after the war," said Blaise breathlessly. "I love you, Theo."
Theo smiled and kissed him again, despite the fact they were in the middle of an ongoing battle. "I love you, too."
(Blaise lived happily ever after with Theo after the Battle of Hogwarts, and he knew that he was glad that he finally decided to tell him. To no longer wait for it, and to no longer hold back.)
a/n: my apologies for this fic's rustiness. i hope you enjoyed it, love! x
please r&r :)
-ana