Dear Remus,

I needed to send this to somebody, and though you haven't responded to my letters in years, I think of you and him and James and Lily every day.

The first words Sirius Black ever said to me were "Wotcher, Evans 2.0". That always seemed appropriate.

As you know, I started Hogwarts in 1973, which happened to be my big sister's 3rd year, and also, as she would have you believe, the 3rd year of the twin banes of her existence, Sirius Black and James Potter, or as she called them, Jamius Botter.

I was sorted into Gryffindor, of course, and to say Lily was pleased was an understatement.

You always wondered why Sirius hated me at first, didn't you? I assume it was because in his eyes all I was was a mini-Lily and Sirius didn't really like Lily (until 5th year.) That changed when I found a spell that changed his hair into a live turkey that, instead of legs, just had two sticks that melded into his skull.

Do you remember how that spell took almost 3 months to remove, and people called Sirius 'Chicken-Head' for his entire Hogwarts career after that?

Naturally, me and you and the other Marauders became friends.

In the years that followed, Sirius confessed more to me than probably any other person in his life, other than you, of course.

But we'll get to that.

I remember the first time he got a nasty letter from his parents. He got this look on his face that was 3 quarters defiance and 1 quarter hurt, and I dragged him into an empty classroom to talk about it and didn't let him leave until he did.

It became our ritual. Every time he got a nasty letter, we would go to an abandoned classroom and talk about it with each other, and vice versa for when my lovely sister sent letters to me. Later, Lily would join these meetings, when she got more mature and realized James was actually in love with her and not just pulling some really really long and extravagant prank.

I remember how, over the summer, when he was forced to go home, how he sent me owls nearly every day (to the delight of my parents and the absolute horror of my oldest sister) and how when we came back from break he was skinnier, had the darkest circles under his eyes I had ever seen, and how he weakly smiled when he saw me, as if he expected me to yell for the whole train that he had a rough homelife.

I remember how it took us and James about a week and half before he was back in good spirits.

Do you remember that awful moon, the one right before Christmas that year? He sat next to your cot for all of those two weeks, and the way he looked at you..

That was when I knew he loved you, Remus.

Oh god, he loved you so much. I remember him knowing instinctively when you were cold, and how he gave you his jackets without a second thought. Do you remember when he saw you looking at that stupid chocolate bunny that was as big as me? He bought it for you and we STILL hadn't finished the damn thing by the time Hogwarts was over.

I don't think you ever knew how much he loved you, Remus.

I remember when you came out to me, under the stars and crying, waiting for me to reject you and tell you to go fuck yourself.

I don't think i'll ever forget your face when I told you I was there for you forever, no matter what.

'You're my brother, Remus' You still are, you know.

God, your 5th year was awful and wonderful in so many ways.

I don't think I ever told you what happened after I told Sirius that he was in love with you, and that it was so painfully obvious even Lily had noticed it.

He went on a goddam rampage, called me every name in the book, told me to let him out of the dorms, and then broke down crying and told me he was scared.

God, he was so scared.

You were the first to notice, I think. He started not meeting your eyes, stopped carrying your books, stopped doing the classic no-personal-space-ever thing that was as Sirius as a thing could be.

He ran to me, when he kissed you for the first time, you know.

I calmed him down, told him that he needed to go apologize for running away after kissing you, because 'Dear god Sirius you probably gave the poor boy whiplash, one moment you're kissing him and the next you're running away from him'

You two were the cutest couple.

James always was very perceptive, wasn't he? We never gave him credit for that. I wish we had.

His response to you two telling him you were together was and is the most amazing thing I've ever heard in my life.

'Mate, I've known since you fell asleep in his bed in second year. 4 times. In a row.'

We were all so happy for a while there.

Then the two of you were caught together while I was at home dealing with my dad dying and everything fell apart.

I'll never forget how lost he looked when that stupid Wilkes boy shoved him and told him that a faggot like him didn't belong in Hogwarts.

I still don't regret beating him up, even if he was in the hospital wing for 3 months and I got detention every Saturday for the rest of my 3rd year.

Kids can be so mean, can't they? Especially when they're confronted with something they couldn't explain.

I still think that Frank shouldn't have told the bullies to stop picking on you because you were on top and thus 'not really a faggot'

I know what you would say if you were here, but I still think it did more harm than good.

Sixth year was rough for you guys.

Sirius was getting abuse from every angle and he clung to us like a sick child.

What would have happened to him without us, that year, Remus? I think about it a lot.

I always loved the Potters, and I still think that running away was the best thing Sirius could have done. I know you always said that running away with nothing but a broom and his wand was stupid, but I almost admire the balls of Sirius, to fly into a goddam hurricane without a coat, all the way to Godric's Hollow.

Hogwarts surprised me, that year. The Gryffindor's rallied around you and Sirius and tried to protect you.

Do you think about Regulus? I do. He was so young, and his brother hated him, and his family expected him to fill the void of Sirius, and he could never do that. I almost wish I hadn't listened to James and had gone to talk to him, that night in the rain.

Maybe it could have changed the Black boy's fates.

I remember when we got initiated into the Order. The war was too far along for me to really do anything else, other than to drop out and do it with you.

Those days were dark and sad, and we only kept going through the glimpses of light.

Alice and Franks wedding and pregnancy, Lily and James's wedding.

The birth of Harry.

Sirius was so happy, that day, wasn't he? I'd never seen him like that, all glowing and proud.

God, you would love Harry, Remus.

He looks so much like James, except for his eyes. Oh god, he has his mother's eyes.

I've tried to teach him well, Remus. He knows his parents, he knows you, he knows Sirius, he knows Peter.

I wish we could have stopped it, that incredible darkness that almost swallowed all of us, those last few months.

I think he broke. He must have, there's no other explanation. The Black's aren't known for their sanity, are they?

I remember the last time I saw him, after I rushed to the Potter's house after the alarms went off. James's body was in the hallway, I don't think I even looked at it. I just needed to see if Harry was ok.

He was just standing there, staring at Harry with his arms wrapped around himself. He looked so...

I felt like I lost him, finally, then, when I told him that I had to take Harry home before the Auror's and the press got there, we had to handle that slowly. I told him not to do anything stupid, and he looked at me and said 'Darlin', when have I ever done something stupid?' in that stupid-high voice of his that he used when I was being too serious.

Those were the last words he ever spoke to me.

I still can't comprehend it. If his sanity broke, staring at the dead bodies of his best friends, his family, then why didn't he kill me? He could have, I was in no state to fight him. Why was it that his broken brain could kill Peter and a dozen muggles and yet could joke with me like he was ok?

Why did he go and find Peter? He called him a traitor, you know. I found the record of a witness's memory of that day.

I don't think we'll ever know why he did what he did.

I apologize for being so sad today, I just miss having somebody to talk to that doesn't think of him as this monster who never loved anybody.

I know you won't read this anyway, but in case you do, please come see us.

Harry's been asking about you. He's almost 10, he knows who you are and that you're the only other one out of us that's still alive. He wants to meet you.

Please send me an owl. I miss you terribly.

Your sister in everything but blood,

Rose