My hand to God I didn't mean to

After all, look what we've been through

Men come in different shades

That's how we're made

The little house on Ellis Drive

Is where I felt most alive

The oak tree covered that old Ford

I miss it Lord, I miss it Lord

These blood red eyes

Don't see so good

But what's worse is if they could

Would I change my ways?

Wasted times and broken dreams

Violent colors so obscene

It's all I see these days

These days

The Black Keys - These days

Dirty loyal

Part 1

"Well, she's saying Wallowski's clean. Aren't you, Dr. Foster?

Wait! What are you walking away for, hey? That's not right. Don't do that.

Never mind.

I'm not going anywhere Gill, so let's have it.

What do you see in her, Cal?

I'd have done the same thing for my partner. It's called loyalty.

That's kind of ironic, from where I'm standing.

Well? Is Wallowski lying?

Yes. Absolutely. Farr is not a good dad. She's covering for him. As for the rest of it, she's not lying. She didn't know a thing about Suarez or any of it.

D-Dr. Lightman?

Yeah, she's clean. As a whistle."

They were called down to the station to give their statements. She saw him leaving his office with Detective Wallowski, normally they'd go together. Normally, he would choose her over other women. She felt tears prickle at the corners of her eyes, and she cursed herself under her breath. Pushing aside thoughts about her best friend, who's probably the only person in her life that makes her feel safe, needed and sometimes, when she's over for dinner and they're chatting and laughing with Emily and he wraps his arms around "his girls" he even makes her feel loved. That's not the person who chose that woman over her today. He wouldn't do that. Would he?

"Damn him." she sat still; her gaze fixated on something in her office when she heard a soft knock on her door followed by a presence slowly making its way up to her desk.

This wasn't what he wanted. He knew she hated lying to I.A. but he needed her to do it. And she did, for him.

"I thought you already left," she said her eyes never meeting his. She didn't have to look up to know it was Cal who was standing in front of her.

"I had to drop Wallowski off, you know…I was her ride and all…she wanted to speak to Farr, they'll bring him in after we get there, so…" his tone was somewhat remorseful and it made her lookup.

"And by we, I mean us, you and me, you know." he gestured between them.

"I get it, Cal." she nodded.

"Good. Because I came back to get you...I mean we're partners, right…should go together." she could tell he was struggling, but she inwardly cringed at the mention of them being partners.

"How thoughtful." her voice was monotone and quiet. The look on her face was challenging and it didn't match the sadness he thought he heard in her voice. But then again, she's always been better at analysing voices than him.

"Gill..." he started as he sat down on one of her office chairs.

"Cal, I'm..." she jumped in. Pressing her fingers to her temples putting pressure at her aching head. "We have to go." she stood up and started collecting her stuff.

"Oh, so now you don't want to talk, huh?" he stood up too.

"Do you want to talk, Cal?" her voice got louder suddenly. "I asked you a question earlier and you deflected." he looked like he had no idea what she was talking about, so she decided to repeat it.

"What do you see in her, Cal?"

"Myself," came his genuine answer. Now she was the one who didn't understand.

"Care to elaborate?" he caught a glimpse of mockery in her voice and he frowned. She must have heard that too because her face dropped with regret. He knew she was mad, so he decided to let it go.

"What I don't understand is how did Dr. Foster let that one slip?" Classic deflection, making her blood boil. "Not only that…" he began dragging his quiet words. "I was watching your pretty little face when Torres was questioning her." he paused. "Disgust." his finger making a circular motion pointed at her face.

He tried stopping himself, he knows what he's doing to her but there's a tiny part of him that made him want to rattle her even more.

"And you blame me for that?!" he pushed her over the edge with that. "Yes, I was disgusted but not at her protecting Farr! At you Cal, for teaching her to lie! That's not how we work here, we don't teach our clients to lie!" if she wasn't sure how she felt before, she knows she's absolutely pissed now.

"They would lock her up, Gillian! For protecting her partner and his kid who, by the way, almost killed her." now he was raging too. How could she not understand?

"So?! She's been up to the neck in it just like her partner." words spat out of her mouth, ignoring the part about Suarez almost killing Wallowski. One more secret he's kept from her.

"You take that back!" he yelled invading her personal space, taking a small step back upon seeing her flinch. "You don't know her." he was looking at her with deadened eyes.

He wondered if she ever felt that way about him. He was sure the way she thinks of Wallowski is how other people thought of him. Not worth putting themselves at risk for someone like him. That's why he had to do it or no one else would.

"I don't know her? Meaning, I don't know you? Since you happen to see so much of yourself in her." her tone was cold.

He was slightly taken aback by that.

"If it was me, what would you do Gillian?" he looked straight into her eyes. Her head was spinning. He didn't even realize he had already put her through that decision today.

"I would choose you over anyone, Cal." was her honest reply.

Would he protect her the same way she's always protected him? Probably. She sure hoped so. They never talked about it, felt like they didn't have to. The idea of him pulling her out of a mess as deep as the ones he finds himself in just seemed so unlikely.

"I saw the way you were looking at me when I was talking t-to Jenkins. She made me choose between you and Wallowski and I…I chose you…" he tried cutting her off, but she held her hand up.

"I chose you and you chose her, Cal." her voice was getting quieter as she went on, anger was replaced by hurt.

Saying it out loud only made it seem more real. Taking a breath required more focus and she suddenly felt the need to sit down. He didn't say anything, for a long time they were both just quietly looking at each other as different emotions took over their features.

They turned around as they heard a timid knock on the door. Anna popped her head in "They need you at the station."

Gillian was still focusing on her breathing and Cal nodded an unspoken thanks to Anna. She looked uncomfortable, they both noticed. Great, the entire office must've heard them.

"We're not done," he whispered. And she just shook her head no.

She insisted on taking her own car, she wanted to go straight home after they're done. They weren't finished with this conversation, that was for sure. But there was only so much she could take in one day.

TBC