Ana

Seeing the kids yesterday was great but it was also incredibly exhausting and we didn't do any talking therapy afterwards which was frustrating. My catatonia is getting better slowly, apparently. I have little memory of what happens when I am catatonic but apparently I'm not completely mute now and the rigidness is less. I'm hoping that means we are well on the way to me getting better.

Though how I'll get better I don't know. I mean recovering from the catatonia is one thing, but recovering from everything else... well we have a long way to go.

"Morning Ana sweetheart." Grace says coming into my bedroom. "How are we doing today?"

"I'm ok." I say the same line I've been saying every morning.

"Cathy isn't coming this morning so would you like me to do your ointment?" She asks opening the French door drapes to let some more light in.

"I've already done it." I reply, telling her the truth. I was up a little earlier this morning so did my own ointment and as they heal they hurt that much less.

"Good." Grace says doing all she can to hide her surprise.

"I'd like to wear some clothes today." I tell her rolling off the bed. "I'm sick to death of being in my night gown."

Grace smiles softly at me and I manage a small smile back. I know, it's progress. I don't know if they understand that I'm trying. I'm not wanting to be like this. I don't know why my mind chose to shut down like it did but I don't want it to. I want to get better and get on with life.

"The activity coordinator Jamie is here to see you today. She'd like you to get some air." Grace says as she follows me into the closet.

"Go outside?" I ask my mood instantly darkening. I don't want to.

"Just onto the balcony." Grace replies gently, I think she's seen the horrified expression on my face and knows I'm not quite ready to go outside. I mean, I haven't even been downstairs yet, only to the nursery yesterday and that's it.

"Ok." I reply grabbing a summer maxi dress from a hanger.

Grace doesn't leave me while I change. There's not really much point when she's seen it all every day for the last week anyway. I'm not bothered about her being here and if anything having her here and her support means everything to me.

"You have more colour in your cheeks today." She muses when I turn back to face her. I smile, I know she's just being nice to try and perk me up again. I'm only functioning because of the drugs, we both know that.

For some reason my mind has decided to shut itself down to protect itself and right now I'm stuck in a vicious pattern of having the drugs first thing in the morning, followed by fighting the exhaustion for a few hours until I give up then I give in to the sedative effects and by the time I wake up the drugs have lost their effect and I'm back to being catatonic. Though in saying that Tamara is hoping now I'm getting used to the drugs I won't get sleepy quite so soon and like this morning I woke up earlier and she happened to be popping her head around the door and able to give me the meds slightly earlier.

"Grace..." I head into the bedroom and she follows me and I slip into the rocking chair beside the French doors.

"What is it Ana?" She asks taking a seat on the bed.

"I'm really confused about Jack." I say and she immediately pales. "It's what I want to talk about with you Grace."

"I just think Ana you're better talking to Tamara about this than me." She says gently.

"Tamara is making me analyse everything and is wanting to work systematically and I don't think anyone understands that it's the thing with Jack that's the catalyst in all of this. I was managing till Carrick told me what was going on." I reply hoping she'll give me a chance to say what I need to say to her right now.

"You were on your way to this state Ana. John and Tamara recognises that but were hoping to prevent it. Jack was just the cherry on the cake so to speak." She's nervous and I get that, talking about Jack caused the catatonia to go to the extreme it has. It's a symptom of the PTSD or RTS as Tamara tells me and so by treating the PTSD they're treating the catatonia too.

"Do you think he did it?" I ask not wanting a discussion about whether or not I would have been catatonic if Carrick hadn't told me what had happened.

"I don't know Ana. Do you?" She asks gently realising I'm not willing to let this go.

"I don't know what to think Grace." I reply getting to my feet. I take the plunge without Jamie and throw the French doors open and step out onto the balcony. It's so warm out and I breathe in deeply.

"Is that what's bothering you the most?" Grace asks joining me on the balcony.

"I don't know." I shrug. "I mean... I'm scared I'll put an innocent man in prison and I'm also scared I may cause a guilty man to walk free."

Grace looks at me, her blue eyes bore into the side of my head and while I feel her gaze I don't turn to meet it, instead I look out over the meadow and the water to the horizon.

"That's not your responsibility Ana. Your job will be to go to court and tell your story. That's it. The jury will decide if they believe he's innocent or guilty and anyway we're a long way from that right now. Jack Hyde would be in jail right now regardless of the fact that he's being accused of being a conspirator in your attack, he shot Morton."

I turn to look at Grace, she's right on one thing we are a long way from needing to go to court. I just hope by the time we get there that I'll know in my heart if Jack Hyde was involved or not.

"Why is it so important for you to know if he is guilty or not?" Grace asks surprising the hell out of me considering she didn't want to have this conversation with me to start with.

"Because for a moment during all of this, he told me things that made me feel so sorry for what he suffered..." I close my eyes slowly as I fight off the tears. "He knew what Morton would do to me..." I sink to my knees and Grace is quick to hold around me as I sob. "The son of a bitch knew but I thought he was doing it all so I could rescue Amaya..."

"Jesus Ana what's wrong?" Tamara sinks to her knees beside Grace and I, I didn't hear her come in.

"Ana's realising that regardless of his intention, Jack Hyde knew what Morton was going to do to her." Grace says as I sob.

"Let's get you to bed sweetheart." Tamara says already helping me to my feet.

The exhaustion comes like a steam train and as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm out like a light.

Tamara

"Didn't I make it crystal clear that any talk of Jack Hyde, Stephen Morton or the kidnap and assault had to be kept for the sessions with me?" I yell as soon as Grace and I enter Christian's empty office which has basically become our base up here.

"Tamara..." Grace starts but I am not in the mood to hear it.

"All the progress we've done these last four days could be undone right now because of this you know that right? Jamie is here to work with Ana, but Ana is now sleeping because she's hit the wall. It is vital that the talking therapy is the last thing we do before she needs to sleep so that it doesn't exhaust her too soon. I explained all of this to all of you so why on earth did you go expressly against my professional advice?" I'm so angry and I'm absolutely letting rip on Grace who looks devastated but I don't care. She could have set Ana all the way back and all the hard work getting her to this point could be undone. My instructions were clear, they had a purpose.

"Because Ana wanted to." Grace replies firmly. "I tried to end the conversation but believe it or not that girl can be stubborn when she wants to be! She bought the topic up and she insisted that she was going to ask me my opinion on it and tell me how she was feeling about it all. What exactly did you expect me to do Tamara?"

I'm surprised by Grace's response in the fact of how firm she's being but not in the fact that Ana bought the topic up.

"I need to know exactly what you talked about. " I say perching myself up on the side of Christian's desk. Bottom line is that's the most important thing because it's obviously important to Ana and on her mind enough that she bought it up with Grace.

"She asked me if I thought Jack was guilty and then told me that she feared being responsible for putting an innocent man in prison or allowing a guilty man to walk free. I told her that wasn't her responsibility and that the jury would decide. All she had to do was tell her story. I reminded her that we were a while away from that anyway." Grace rubs her hand across her forehead and I feel just a little guilty for having a go, I know she means well and she loves Ana dearly. "She then said that he told her things that made her feel sorry for him but she also knows he knew what was going to happen to her in that house."

"She's conflicted." I say and Grace nods in agreement. "She doesn't know what to believe, it's causing a conflict in her already traumatised mind. She doesn't know which way is up." I shake my head, I knew this but knowing Ana is saying these things out loud cements it. "I guess maybe I need to get her talking about Hyde more then Morton." I think out loud. "I need to see John would you be ok keeping an eye on Ana. I'll give Melissa a ring tell her there is no point coming today and I'll let Jamie know that she should come back tomorrow."

Grace just nods and I hurry out, I need John's opinion on focusing on one topic rather than dealing with things systematically. It's a little different to how I usually work with rape victims but usually things are a little more black and white in the eyes of the victim in cases like this. While this case is anything but, Ana can't see what happened with Hyde as either he did it or he didn't. It's fifty shades of grey.